This past weekend my mommy gave me a ringy-dingy on the telephone. We had the typical conversation…”How are you? How are the boys? How’s the weather? Have you gotten AIDS yet?” Then she mentions that our pastor from our church where we lived in Germany recently moved to Georgetown. Georgetown is about 20 minutes to the north of Austin. I say, “that’s coo.” She goes on to say that he and his wife, whom my family was VERY good friends with when we lived in Germany, were having a housewarming party next month. (I apologize for all the background info, but it’s essential, as you’ll see in a bit.) She mentions that she and the dad are going on a month vacation to the Virginias to see my sister and her family at the beginning of October and won’t be able to make the house-warming party in Georgetown…but that they’re coming down to stay with us for the month of November for mom’s birthday, (F)reddy’s birthday, and lil’ baby Nate’s birthday. She mentions all this to say that the invitation says, “I know y’all probably can’t make it down, but I know (F)reddy lives in Austin and we would love to see him and his finger puppet with their bastard children if they’re available.”
Dad’s been retired for about 315 years now. He’s old. Mom just retired about a year ago. IN FACT, it was exactly a year ago, because it was just short of her birthday LAST year. This is important…
Cuz since ma Kettle has retired, she and pappy have been running around the lower 48 like it has just been opened for the very first time. Seriously, I think the amount of time they’ve spent in their own home in the last year is about as much time as I spent in the bathroom on Saturday. They’ve taken a good half-dozen cruises, they’ve taken road-trips. I’ve even got a picture of my mother PARAGLIDING in PARAGUAY. Seriously. MY 300 pound mamma being towed by a boat in a parachute. WHO KNEW that sail didn’t have a weight limit.
In an effort to save money on gas a few years ago, my dad bought a Ford Focus. It was a big joke between everyone who knew my folks (including the sibs), cuz my folks ain’t tiny. The steering wheel literally cut into pappy’s gut when he drove. He drove this thing around diligently for about 2 years before realizing how silly he looked squeezing himself into it. He bought himself a Mercedes E class. And I thought, “WOW…now there’s a waste of money”. BUT my folks have worked hard for everything they’ve got and if dad wants a mid-life crisis car at 70, then by all means let him get a mid-life crisis car at 70.
So I tell ma to send me the details of the invitation to the housewarming party in Georgetown and if I felt like being baptized or ridiculed/mocked for my sinful lifestyle I would travel up north to God’s country. When I get the email it says, “Oh, by the way, I thought you’d like to see pictures of my new car dad bought me yesterday.”
I’ll be fucked to tears if it wasn’t a 2009 Mercedes GL450 (SUV). What the fuck? What does my mother, who is retired, who does nothing but travel with my dad 360 days a year need with a FIFTY-EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLAR SUV? It’s not like they’re not BOTH IN THE SAME FUCKING CAR when they go somewhere. I mean, for real. WHAT DID THEY NEED THIS CAR FOR? I excused the first indulgence, this one just made me see my inheritance flushed down the toilet.
So I reply to her email. “Nice car. I guess we shouldn’t count on that new bathroom for Christmas, huh?!?” and she replies…
AND I’M ABSOLUTELY NOT MAKING THIS UP…THIS IS 100% CUT AND PASTED FROM HER EMAIL…
“Boy, you don't miss a thing, do you? No, we are not going. BTW - - I'm typing this on my new phone. It only took me 20 minutes - - fingers are too big.
I wouldn't start working working
on the bathroom.
Sent from my iPhone”
MY MOTHER HAS AN IPHONE???
WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK?
MY ALMOST 70 YEAR OLD MOTHER HAS A FUCKING IPHONE? What the hell is going on? New Mercedes, NEW IPHONE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So I send her back this response…
“YOU GOT AN IPHONE? WHY ON EARTH DO YOU NEED AN IPHONE??? I DON’T EVEN HAVE AN IPHONE!!!”
To which she replies…
“Oh, is that what this thing is called? Isn’t that a cute little name”.
Seriously, kill me now.