On the tenth day of Fredmas my true love gave to me

OLD HOUSES TRULY DO SUCK BALLS

I’ve always had a pet peeve relating to businesses who take fabulous old houses near the centers of downtowns and turn them into businesses.  In hindsight, it may have been a little bit of jealousy that I couldn’t afford one and wished I could be working in one?  Now that I’m working in one, I can tell you, they truly do suck balls.  And not in a good way.

 

My second day on the job, and I’m having issue with the location.  Not enough of an issue that it’s going to be a deal killer for me, but an issue nonetheless.  So my new office is in an old two bedroom one bathroom house smack dab in the middle of downtown.  The former living room is now the reception area; the former dining room is now a conference room/office space for the junior associate; one of the bedrooms is one of the “adult” lawyer’s office; the other bedroom is the other adult lawyer’s office.  My office is located off the back of the ORIGINAL kitchen of the house, what I imagine, at one time, was the laundry room.  The washer and dryer have been removed.  My issue is with THE BATHROOM.  The firm has the original 1940’s bathroom, it’s been upgraded with new tile and fresh paint over the years.  It still has its original (working) tub.  It’s clean.  It doesn’t look as shitty as MY 1940’s bathroom. 

 

While I have an enormous bladder stem, I have a microscopic bladder.  And I’ve had to rethink my coffee intake.  My first day on the job I peed no fewer than 20 times in a two hour period.  I’m sure I made quite the first impression.  And every time I have to go to the bathroom, I have to clomp through the old house, on the hard wood floors, with my big heavy steel-toed boots…basically announcing to EVERYONE in the office, “Hey, Frederick’s going to the can…again.”  Heaven help me the day I ever have to pooh. 

 

For those who don’t know, the first year I knew Jed I made him go outside of my house whenever I had to pooh.  I have issues.  There were days that he said, “But we’re under a tornado watch…” and I just shrugged my shoulders and told him I didn’t care.  I had to pooh and couldn’t have anyone in the house while I did it.  I’ve lightened up, a bit, since having kids…but I’m trying to think of a polite way to ask my new co-workers if they’d mind stepping outside of the office in the event I have an emergency. 

 

Next time you find yourself bitter about those old houses, count your blessings.