By the Grace of Dog

I survived 4th Grade, again.  The homework was harder. The math with something I've never seen before. I have to do it one more time next year with Nathan, but I have never been happier for a school year to be over. This year almost killed me.

Shady ' s Back

I just realized this morning that it's been nearly three years since I've posted anything. I suppose I haven't really had much to say, but I'm starting to find my voice again. Looking forward to getting back into it.

Today is the last day of the third grade and fourth grade school year for the kids. There are changes in my own personal life, and I look forward to sharing that journey with you.

Juicetastic (Day 2)

So the first full day of juicing is under my belt.  It wasn’t horrible.  It wasn’t fantastic.  It was, eh.  If I’m being 100% honest, I was super grouchy when I got home.  I don’t know what that was about, but things that shouldn’t have bothered me bothered me WAY more than they should.  Issues that have come up since Wednesday:

·         I could not stop peeing yesterday.  Seriously, I peed at least 100 times.  I peed 9 times in 15 minutes before leaving work.  Then I peed three times on the way home from work.  (Note to self, retire white ceramic mug in back of Jeep.)

·         Time management is going to be an issue.  I had to make the juices for today in two batches.  I started last night, while I was grumpy, and only managed to get two of the juices needed for today made before we had guests over for Project Runway and Game of Thrones.  So I had to clean everything up and wake up early today to make the rest.  The prep work takes the longest…washing everything.  Once that’s all done, it’s a breeze.  Adding to the time management is washing all of the jars (18/day) is a huge time suck.  I’m spending 2.5 hours on my feet in front of the sink washing dishes and fruit. 

·         This plan is hella expensive.  For the two (three, cuz I’m making it for my co-worker, CO, too) of us, it’s about $30/day for all the fruits and veggies I need every day.  And, I’m going through some items at an alarming rate.  For example, I went through 12 apples last night for today’s juices. 

·         I already miss the social aspect of eating.  I LOVE sitting with my kids and eating dinner every night.  Talking about their day and yelling at them to eat their food.  Last night I made them bacon cheeseburgers for dinner.  The food smelled so good.  But as soon as everything was made I put it on the table for them and then had to go lay down because I couldn’t stand the thought of sitting there and smelling sweet, delicious, bacon and lightly charred beef.  The Aussie didn’t address this issue in his movie.  He sort of touched on it, but…

Despite all this, I lost 5.7 pounds from Wednesday.  So I can’t complain.  I’m sure I’ll be able to work out these issues.  Some of the juices I’ve made have been spectacular. 

Watermelon, Pineapple, Ginger Juice – The Bomb.

Apple, Carrot, Ginger Juice – The Bomb.

The Juice is Loose (Day 1)

The prep work this week has included saying good-bye to my favorite things.  Not so much “good-bye”, as “see ya later, yo!”  I’ve also been easing (nay, pushing full steam ahead) on changing some eating habits.  For example.  Over the weekend Yesterday, at lunch, I gave up my beloved Lone Star (will be looking for a tattoo removal place soon).  I also, horror of horrors, gave up coffee had my last cup of coffee yesterday afternoon.  In a weird way, giving up coffee was a breeze.  I didn’t have a choice, really.  I forgot to take coffee with us when we went camping, so I didn’t have any the whole weekend.  Monday morning I just figured since I had already started I may as well carry on.  I got a headache in the afternoon, but nothing a little BC Powder couldn’t help.  Tuesday I was draggin’ ass all day, but the headaches stayed away.  Wednesday LATE AFTERNOON, I just decided to have one cup just for the hell of it. 

I’ve also eating a lot of fruit and veg this week and replacing some meals with straight juice.  I had fruit for Monday morning breakfast, juice for lunch, and dinner for dinner.  Tuesday I flipped it and juice for breakfast and juice for lunch and dinner for dinner.  Wednesday I’m having gruel for breakfast, lunch for lunch, and dinner for dinner.  Tomorrow, I *think* I’ll be prepared to go all juice all the time. 

Speaking of dinner, I’ve been saying ciao to things I know I’m going to miss.  Cheeseburger Sunday, Pho Monday, Enchiladas on Tuesday.  Oh, how I’ll miss thee tortillas and popcorn. 

I did the official weigh in last night and was pleased to see the tiny changes I’ve made in the last week had already started paying off.  Last week I was 241, last night I was 237.75.  YAAAAY juice.  Today the official program has started.  I’ve identified a couple of problems, in addition to the fridge space, that I hadn’t thought about.  I’ll see if I can work through them.  Mainly, doing the prep work for three of us.  I spent about 45 minutes last night making juices and did manage to make a bunch…but it wasn’t enough to get THREE people through the entire first day.  It was enough to get the three of us through the WORK day, but I’ll have to make more tonight for dinner.  I worry about my lovely CO though, cuz I don’t think she has her own juicer. 

For a little entertainment, I’ve thrown in a video of the official weigh in.  It took much longer than expected because I hit the wrong button, but at least you get to see me in my skimpy drawers for a minute and 42 seconds...if that's your thang.  I look a little bit like Kung Fu Panda, eh?

Mmmm, mmmm, good (Day -8 through Day -3)

Holy shit buckets!  What a difference fresh juice makes from that pre-bottled shit at the supermarket, yo!  Suri hadn’t even had the blood washed off her and had her umbilical cord untied before I ran to the supermarket to pick up some fixin’s for a “blood builder” juice that Nn turned me on to.  It was the bomb-digity-bomb bomb. 

I’ve discovered a logistical complication to this upcoming juice diet.  I don’t think I have the fridge space necessary to accommodate all of the fruits and vegetable I’m going to need to buy.  Jed will have to move out so I can put another fridge in his comic book closet.  It’s a lot of mass, for sure.  I also feel like this means I’m going to have to go to the grocery store EVERY day to keep my produce fresh.  If anyone has any thoughts on that, do let me know. 

The recipe I made quickly filled up my output jug.  I had to emergently find a pitcher to empty and continue.  The recipe below made 5 – 12oz. glasses of juice. 

Blood Builder (Iron-Enriched) Juice

2 bunches of grapes. 
2 granny smith apples
6 oranges
4 lemons
Ginger

I’ve been making several other blends over the last few days.  Some good, some not so good.  None have been terrible.  We watched the movie again with our friend, Heather.  I made her some yummy juice to enjoy while she watched it.  The movie had her “hooked until they mentioned ‘exercise’”! 

Do Bears on a Juice Diet Shit in the Woods?

A couple of side items to take care of.  We had recently been talking about relocating the family to Galveston.  We had both been interviewing down there, and one of us were offered a job down there.  And while it was a great job, and would have been a good move for the family, we decided to pass on the opportunity and stay In Austin for the time being. 

One of the things we talked about in the decision making process is the lack of things in Central Texas that we completely neglect to participate in anymore, such as camping, hiking, swimming, etc.  We agreed we were going to start doing more of those things, again…like we used to.  So this weekend, at the urging of Nn, we decided to take an impromptu camping trip.  It was something that I wanted to do soon, but also something that I didn’t want to do while I was drinking meals.  I didn’t want to be forced to answer the age old question about bears in the woods. 

The biggest benefit to camping in the woods this past weekend was the sudden cessation of coffee!  I woke up this morning in a slight cloud, but the headaches are gone and I’m ready to move forward. 

Preparation (Day -9)

The plans are in place, the supplies have been ordered.  My new juicer has arrived.  I’ve decided to name her Suri.  I’m certain she’ll be a Scientologist.  Speaking of juicer, I’d rather not refer to this as “juicing”, because that just sounds diiirty. 

I’ve gotten my support network on tap.  I’ve even managed to get a few folks willing to try this with me with varying levels of commitment.  For example, Fat Walt’s husbear, Diminutive Ken, has committed to a minimum of three hours.  Jed has committed to 7 – 10 days.  My co-workers Nn and CO have also committed.  I’m a little concerned about Nn and CO doing this with me, because we only have one bathroom at the office and I’m worried it’s going to be occupied a LOT.

Additional preparations include starting little things now so the entire experience isn’t so overwhelming when it begins.  For example, last night the family of fattys went on a walk together.  Granted, it was less than a mile (0.91 miles), but that was all the chihuerrier and children with attention spans of a gnat could manage before beating my last nerve.  Still, it burned 206 calories, which is more than I burned watching the second half of the Real Housewives of Orange County Reunion show.  Baby steps, baby.  Baby steps.

I also finished off the 12-pack of Lone Star in the fridge.  I didn’t want it taunting me when I started this thing.  Tonight I’ll start throwing stuff in the fridge away to make room for all the juices and fruits and veggies.  Tomorrow, I plan to cut my coffee intake by half for two days, then in half again for two days, and then eliminate it completely.  I don’t want to have to give up my beloved Lone Star, coffee, and FOOD all on the same day.  That rage wouldn’t be good for ANYone. 

Last night also marked the return to the Wii Fit.  Not for exercise, mind you.  The batteries in our scale were dead, so we had to get on the balance board to weigh ourselves.  It was, in a word, SHOCKING. 

Tonight and through Saturday I will be doing some tester juice recipes.  Sunday I will be making carne guisada…because I’m already struggling with saying good-bye to delicious tortillas.   

Fat, white, sick, and ready to die (Day -10)

Last night we watched a documentary by some fat white dude in Australia who had enough of being my size and decided to do something about it.  By the end of the movie he was hot, so he inspired me to try it to. 

The name of the documentary was Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead.  It chronicled the man’s one year journey to rid himself of a chronic illness and scores of medication by changing his diet from one of macronutrients (highly processed foods) to micronutrients (food that starts in one form or another in dirt).  He started by initiating a 60-day juice only diet, but not like Cranapple Raisin juice by Snapple…no, he bought all kinds of fruits and vegetables and shit and made his own juice.  No preservatives, yo.  Just all natural juice. 

After 30 days on the diet, he lost something like 47 pounds.  He didn’t specify in the documentary whether or not he was getting any physical exercise during this period, though I suspect he did.  After 30-days of “juicing” in New York City, he took his dog and pony show on the road across America to talk about the benefits of having to constantly running to the bathroom after drinking 12 pounds of fresh vegetables for another 30 days.   Along the way, he met another fat ass that he convinced to try the diet too.  I forget the total numbers, but fatty 1 lost half his body weight and fatty 2 lost 227 pounds.  He, basically, lost me.

The documentary, as much as I’m making light of it, was truly inspiring.  I related to many aspects of it.  In many ways it was true, I don’t REALLY need two cheeseburgers for $5 just because it’s cheaper that way.  But that’s how my brain is wired.  Convenience and cost.  I hate huffing and puffing from the car to the front door.  I hate that I have busted two Ikea platform beds while having, umm, relations.  I hate that I’m getting these fucking old man skin tags in the folds of my neck flesh.  I hate that I can’t see my balls unless I’m looking in a mirror.  So I’m going to try this dudes method and see what happens. 

So today marks day -10 of a 70 day journey.  I plan to chronicle as much of this shit as possible so my faithful followers (both of you) can see some live-time results.  I’ll post narrative details of the juices we’re trying and my “feelings”, photo details, and video updates on a regular basis over the next 70-days in an effort to keep myself honest, on track, and humble. 

This morning I bought the juicer we’ll be using along the way.  It just so happens to be the same brand the fella from the land down under used for his experiment.  I didn’t buy it so I could be hot like him, but it had the highest rating on Amazon.  Plus, it’s shiny and cute.  I’ve printed a shit ton of juice recipes so I won’t get bored on the same old juices.  I’m going to come up with some “light” exercise routines for me, the other whale, and the kids to aid in our weight loss.  I need to do some research into some better toilet paper, cuz I hear one of the side-effects of this “reboot” is you shit yourself like a 3 month old, constantly, quickly, and liquidy. 

Feel free to offer your thoughts, snide comments, jokes about vegetarians with diarrhea being called “salad shooters”, and more.  I look forward to sharing this with you.