Entertain our children, but for God’s sake, don’t parent them

I read a post by Dad Files last week about the current crop of children’s television available out there.  I wrote this post a little over a year ago, but seeing as how there’s a whole knew crop of lurkers out there, I thought I’d repost it so you didn’t have to go diggin’ for it. 

I suppose everyone by now has figured out two facts about me. 1) I'm a 'mo. And 2) I'm a 'mo with children. Clutch the pearls Sally Kern, it's true. In the future, I'll post a blog about the process of how a homo gets a child, but in the meantime, this post is about a far more dangerous element than homosexuals parenting children. I'm fully aware that a large portion of our close minded society feel like children are better off in a household with one father and one mother. However, it's these same self-righteous hypocrites that subject their children to these people:

Thanks to Pat Roberts and the good folks of Florida, we have just about cast these perverts from our society. Thank God. I mean seriously. How creepy can a group of midgets in costume be? I don't know who has seen the Teletubbies and how hasn't, so I'll run through a typical TT episode for you. Every show starts with a hazy effect of a half dressed child in the top of the screen, presumably sunshine. This baby giggles as it watches the Teletubbies roll up and down a fake hill with real rabbits watching them frolic and have a good time. Then all the Tubbies gather around each other to watch a video segment off of the chest of one of the other characters. Usually this video they watch involves a parent with their child performing some fabulous activity like hunting rabbits or flying kites. Then one of the Tubbies says, "play it again", and the video replays itself. Two of the episodes that I've seen, the father in this video was wearing some way too high and tight shorts and was actually creepier than the Tubbies. HOW DARE the religious right peg all the gay on Tinkie Winkie.

I said many times before my first child that there were two things that I would never subject my children to. Elmo is one of them (the second is coming up). Who is the creep behind this child drug? As an adult, everyone knows what tickling leads to. Sex. So you basically encourage a child to tickle this red thing until it starts shaking and laughing. I've also screened many episodes of Sesame Street before letting my child watch this stuff and Elmos World is little more than Kiddie Porn. I've seen Elmo try to seduce Alicia Keys. I've watched as he coerced Eddi Falco into kissing his knee. Starting with asking her to kiss his eyebrow, kiss his cheek, kiss his knee. Come on Elmo. NO MEANS NO. Unfortunately my children LOVE Elmo and I have fallen victim to the selective marketing at Dollar stores around town. We own everything from laughing Elmos to Elmo shoes. Elmo is like heroin, and I am my baby’s supplier.

I may as well jump in to the second thing I refused to subject my child to. Barney. Fortunately the Barney phenomenon is pretty much extinct. Sure, my sisters gave me some of their Barney video tapes they used 17 years ago. I lied and told them I only had a DVD player these days. Truth be known, I immediately dropped the tapes off at Goodwill. I may have lost the battle with Elmo, but I will not fall victim to Barney.

Take creepy and multiply it times 20 and you’ve got The Wiggles. We're not positive, but Jed and I have a theory that the two guys in the Red and Purple shirts are dating as are the guys in the Blue and Yellow shirts. Though if you'll notice, the green couple (think about it, yellow and blue...) wear wedding rings, so we're fairly certain they've had a civil ceremony. The boys of The Wiggles are always doing this creepy finger dance, and sing the goofiest songs. If you raise your children with respect, like we do, you’ll teach them to call them Mr. Wiggle. As adults, we realize that Mr. Wiggle is a code name for a cock. Gay, gay, gay. My last criticism of The Wiggle gang is that the gaysian in the show is really useless. He doesn't really contribute much to the gang.

The latest greatest creep factor out there for your kids is The Doodlebops. These are the gayest men on the planet. I was trying to figure out which one is the gayest person, but it's so hard to tell. Rooney Doodle (the gentleman in the blue) may have possibly bottomed for Richard Simmons. Mo Doodle, well the name says it all. There's a fourth character that isn't pictured above, the Bus Driver, who is the butchest person on the show...but that's not saying too much. The format behind The DB shows stays the same too. Without going through the entire show, there is a point where they show the audience in one of the live shows and it's filled with lots of glowing faces of adorable children screaming with glee, having a good old time with their parents. These parents should be shot for subjecting their children to this show. I should be shot. After just a few episodes, I know ever word to every song and burst into singing at a moments notice. I wish, sometimes, I was dead.

The fact of the matter is all of the Teletubbies, The Wiggles, the Doodlebops, Elmo, and Barney are all gay, and children love them. Why wouldn't they? They're entertaining, catchy, and easy to follow. Why are there so many homos in children’s television? Because we're colorful, entertaining, talented, creative, and funny. How many straight people do you see in theater? Exactly. And that's why were entertaining your children.

My $133 day

To respond to my critics, no.  I’m not at a loss of material.  I have a four year-old, my life is nothing but material.  I just like to spin it out a bit, sometimes, and not make my blogs all about me.  Now that I got that melesscentric post out of the way, we can get back to talking about me, if that’s what you really, really want.

My boo switched it up a bit this weekend and mentioned last night, when going to bed, that he’d get up with the boys this morning.  It meant that I got to sleep in this morning.  And boy, did I need it.  I started moving around about the time that I smelled the coffee brewing.  I came out of to a surprisingly quiet house.  Quiet because there weren’t nobody here!  This NEVER happens.  Where, oh where, could my boo and the kids have gone?  Was it planned?  Was this premeditated?  My quiet would be short lived.

The boo and the twin bulls came bursting in the door with BREAKFAST ($11.20), from McDonald’s!  It was a banner day, indeed.  Adrian announced, “DADDY!  I GOT A MAGIC WATCH!”…and I knew it was going to be a fantastic day.  A magic watch!  WITH BREAKFAST. 

We piddled around the house a while.  Adrian cleaned his room a couple of times while Nathan kept messing it up.  After watching more America’s Next Top Model than I could stand I begged the Kat to get us out of the house.  I convinced him to take another stab at one of our road-trip restaurants/cafes.  There’s one out of Austin, just a hair, that we were told about several weeks ago.  It’s a little town called “Manor”, and, while technically not Austin, it may as well be. 

 

290 Cafe is, obviously, on 290 about 15 minutes outside of Austin.  They’re well known for their chicken fried steak, and for good reason.  While I really was in the mood for a breakfastie type item, I went for lunch instead.

I was hard pressed to find something that didn’t sound good on the menu.  Granted, 70 percent of the items were fried, I’m not passing judgment, yet.  ALL other items were standard “comfort food” items: Roast beef & veggies, fried shrimps, etc.  After I heard the boo order his “chicken fried chicken”, I realized he was doing me a favor and opening the door for me to order the chicken fried steak.  We started off requesting an appeteaser of their onion rings and, for some stupid reason, proceeded to order the rest of our lunch as well.  Chicken strips for Nate, Steak strips for Adrian.  Chicken fried chicken with fries and okra for poppa, chicken fried steak with mashed taters and okra for me.  I was a little disappointed when everything came out together, but…

It was quite tasty:

And yes, quite fried.  Now, I did have one problem with it.  The batter was the same batter for everything, except for the okra.  The okra had a different type of batter.  But the onion rings tasted like the French fries tasted like the chicken fried steak tasted like the chicken fried chicken.  That’s coo.  I realize there’s only so many batters to pick  from.  It was tasty nonetheless. 

Now, clearly this picture was taken BEFORE Nathan started eating.  There’s no ketchup/gravy/grease anywhere on the shirt, that’s the dead give-a-way.  But the smile on his face PRE food was as big as his smile post food.  The grand total for all this deliciousness?  $51.64.  I personally felt like it was a bit expensive, particularly for lunch in a small town cafe.  I have to give the 290 Cafe a whopping 4.5 stars. 

After lunch we headed back to the house for mandatory nap time.  I’m a bit sadsies that Adrian “don’t want” or “don’t need” naps any more.  Really, it’s one of the things I counted on for the first 2 years of his life.  Fortunately Nate still digs his sleepy time.  I have NO idea what I’m going to do when he’s too big for naps. 

Adrian had been begging for a movie all day.  I decided to take him and the brother to see “Dog Hotel” at the theater.  JEZUS CHRIST the movies are expensive anymore.  $20.50 for the tickets (just for 3…we still have Nathan play “two-year-old” since he’s not talking yet!) and $17.50 for the popcorn and 2 drinks.  Adrian also wanted CANDY, and knowing this in advance, I stopped at Sun Harvest on the way to the theater and picked up a pounder of gummi-worms ($1.20), cuz there was no way I was paying $7/.25 pound at the theater.  I really dug  the show.  It was funny (for kids), emotional (for parents who have adopted children), and cute.  Sure it won’t win any awards, but it was still cute.  I mean, come on.  It had DOGS for goodness sakes.

Before we left the house for the cafe, I had put a crock pot of beef stew on. 

***COMPLETELY RANDOM THOUGHT:  I HATE that newer crock pots these days have plastic lids instead of the regular heavy glass lids.  I really feel like they don’t get weighted down enough to keep the heat in properly.

Dinner was waiting for us when we got home, the house smelled delish.  Not that we needed anything to eat after 2 gallons of popcorn and 6 (combined) liters of soda. 

I forgot to mention, while at the 290, I was a bit of an “A-Hole”.  To make up for it, I went to buy Jed a bottle of booze ($14.06) to make him some tasty frozen drinks and fill up his car with gas ($17.81) to make up for it.  Yeah, apologizing is easier, but…

So that’s how I ended up spending $133.91 today.  I can’t believe I spent so much money, but spending the time with the family…so much fun.

The Facts of Life

Stay with me a second. 

I wrote a blog a long, long time ago, when people still used MyFace to interact with each other socially.  It was a post about television shows I dug in my youth.  I’m not going to REPOST the entire blog, however I am going to tweak it a bit, blow it apart, expound upon it, and hopefully make it better.  Rather than just put down a list of shows I dug, I wanted to do a sort of “where are they now” in relation to the show.  Hopefully make it a little more interesting AND informative.  My plan is to break down each of the shows from the original post, showing what I wrote in the original post…as well as some updates.  If you like it, marry me.  If you don’t, just leave your money on the nightstand like everyone else and get the hell out.

Obviously, based on the title of this post, we’re going to start with The Facts of Life.

When I was a wee lad growing up in Europe, we had no television. My sisters and I had to play outside for our entertainment and make up our own stories. The whole concept of serialized television or Sitcoms was completely foreign to me when my family moved stateside when I was 11. I have no regrets of growing up without the idiot box, in fact, I wish I had never been turned on to television. I quickly became absorbed with the colorful moving/talking pictures. Most of the stuff on television these days is crap. I'm sure folks from the generation before mine would argue "they sure don’t make shows like they used to," and I have the same argument. In no particular order, these were some of my more memorable shows.

This show had it right. You take the good, you take the bad, you take all of your stereotypes, and then you have...Token colored girl, token fat ugly "funny" girl, token lesbian girl, token blonde girl, token older woman with funny accent, and throw in a dose of Molly Ringwald, and you've got yourself an instant hit. I bought into the whole segregated girls school thing and always dreamed about going to an all boys school and bunkin' with some hotties, and not-so-hotties. In my dreams, we would stay up late at night fixing each others hair, plot ways to sneak out, pick on the above average good looking one. When we grew up we would all open a cookie shop that would eventually burn down and we would convert it into a Spencer’s-esque gift shop that specialized in "adult" toys. We would eventually all move off to college and get an apartment together, and then we would all get married and have the world's largest house built and all live together for the rest of our lives. Perhaps we would even take a trip to Australia together and get mixed up in some intrigue???

So let me point out, real quick here, the italicized paragraph above was from the original post…

Now, back to our regularly scheduled program.

Charlotte Rae played Enda Garret for all but the last 2 seasons of F.O.L.  She was replaced by that successful sitcom killer, Cloris Leachman.  There were MANY reasons I loved Charlotte Rae.  For starters, she came from my folks’ home town of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  That automatically makes her good people.  Her accent was awesome (though, not technically a native Milwaukee speaker!).  You could walk all over her, burn down her house, her business, her lover, and she’d turn it into one of life’s little lessons rather than getting upset with you.  She was amazing.  I was COMPLETEL relieved to learn, while researching this post, that she’s not dead.  She was most recently in a movie called You Don’t Mess With The Zohan, in which she plays Adam Sandler’s love interest.  That kind of icks me out a bit, because she deserves WAY better than Adam Sandler.  Charlotte was smart enough to know when the show had run it’s course and bailed 2 years before the rest of the cast.  I guess age does bring experience.  Unfortunately she was NOT smart enough to stay away from the two subsequent made for t.v. movies the show spun out, Fact of Life go to Australia, and Facts of Life C.S.I.: Who put the battery acid in Blaire’s masengill? 

From here I’m having an internal struggle about where I go next.  Because how do you identify the next major player?  Do you pick them alphabetically?  In order of star power?  How about in order of people who still have careers?  How about in order of popularity?  It’s my blog, so I’m going to do it in order of race.

 Kim Field’s was the very first African American girl to be shown on television…with braces.  She’s also the only member of the cast who was able to continue a somewhat successful television career after jumping the shark in Australia with that second shitty made for t.v. movie.  (Incidentally, it was not Tootie who burned Blair’s cooter with battery acid.)  Kim Fields was able to show America that black girls could go to school without getting pregnant and dropping out.  She also gave everyone a sense of how awkward it was being the very obvious black elephant in the room.  She opened a lot of doors for white men everywhere…I mean, other women of color.  Following (actually, DURING) the run of F.O.L., there were other “All Girl School” sitcoms that featured an all black cast with a lone whitie.  Only Kim Fields can be thanked for that.  Kim is still acting on the small screen, and can be found, most recently, on your local NBC affiliate in Lie to Me (or whatever network it is that’s cancelling that show after 3 episodes). 

Alright, since there were no other racial minorities on the show, let’s go with the lesbian: 

Come on.  Was there a teenager alive who didn’t feel sorry for Mindy Cohn at the time?  Bad complexion.  Bad hair.  OBVIOUS food issues.  Destined to be a lesbian because there wasn’t a single male character on the show that had a scene with her where she wasn’t looking at his back.  I mean, seriously she was the most relatable character on the show.  We were all…what was her name on the show?  See, invisible.  Mindy Cohn is still active in the acting world today.  As I mentioned above, she currently a lesbian…or, I should clarify so I don’t get sued, she’s currently GAY FOR PAY, “playing the PART of a lesbian” in Sex and Death 101.  She’s also doing voice-overs for Scooby Doo (still has the voice for radio, eh?).  And I’m sure she’s just “gay for pay”…with that haircut, Cindy?  Really?  Come on out, the water’s warm.

I believe I owe my life to Nancy McKeon.  It was while watching season two of F.O.L. that I realized there were other homosexuals, other than myself.  (I didn’t realize Natalie, THAT WAS HER NAME!!!  NATALIE! was gay until much later in the series).  “Jo” came onto the scene with her sassy little undid tie, her motorcycle, her grease stained face, her pleather jacket.  She was the every dyke.  I honestly think the producers got in some serious shit by introducing this OBVIOUSLY pussy starved character into an all-girls school and the AFA demanded they make her elope with someone.  ANYONE.  As long as he wasn’t black, it would be fine by them.  Where was I?  Oh, yes.  Jo.  Part of my obsession with Nancy McKeon at the time was that she was sister to Philip McKeon, whom I had a GINORMOUS gay crush on at 11 years old.  I used to have fantasies about “dating” her just to get to him.  But that’s for my blog I’m going to do about “Alice”, and this is about THE FACTS OF LIFE!  Nancy McKeon has managed to solidify her star power on the Lifetime Channel and can be seen in any show ranging in hot topic issues as “My son was ass raped by a gang of priests and I’m out for blood revenge” to “I’m having private lady surgery” to “I drink my lunch and then drive”.  She’s a staple actress over there, but, I’ll be honest, I haven’t seen her in anything since F.O.L., cuz I just don’t watch Lifetime.

Does anyone remember the three episodes starring:

Yeah, neither does George Clooney, I bet.  I bet he’s trying as hard to forget that stint as his publicist is trying to forget this picture of him.  George CLEARLY went on to be the biggest star following    F.O.L.  He’s been in everything, including the smash hit, BATMAN.  (Folks, seriously, you should try to learn when I’m being SARCASTIC.)  He WAS the original Dr. McHottie, and he has had his string of successful “Oceans” movies…Oh, and don’t forget his run on Rosanne too.  I forgot all about Rosanne (cuz I had given up on sitcoms by that point!).  Something very interesting, as you’ll see with my next cast member too, George’s name on the show was, wait for it, wait for it, “George”.  Guess they didn’t want him to flub his lines.  You know, he’s pretty, but…I doubt HE had a 4.0.

 

Or what about:

Yes, the little mini-dyke with the page boy hair-cut is none other than MOLLY RINGWALD.  Molly played “Molly” on the show (I guess the creators were having a hard time coming up with original names?).  She was destined for things FAR greater than F.O.L. though.  She quickly disappeared and reemerged as John Hughes’ most celebrated stock actresses in hit movies like Pretty in Pink, The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, etc.  Somewhere along the way she got upity and moved overseas and had a fairly successful run as a French actress before realizing the food in France tasted like foreskin and moved back to the U.S. to try to revive her career.  She had a couple of television series fail upon her return.  And while she’s still acting these days, her biggest role now is mom.  Incidentally, that picture (top, right) isn’t REALLY what she looks like today.  That’s just what I think of her for FUCKING FLEAING TO FRANCE.  Whore.

I think that’s it folks.  I’d write about Cloris Leachman, but I fear she’d kill my blog like she’s killed every television series she’s been connected with since the dawn of motion pictures.  That’s everyone from the series…oh, wait.  Except for:

How could I forget this fucking douche-nozzle?  I mean, seriously, for being “the hot one”, how many episodes did we have to endure with seeing her gravy covered grease chin?  How did Lisa Whelchel’s, “Blair” get all the guys?  Look at that hair?  I mean, seriously, her rat’s nest would be competing against pubic hair for a totally awesome blow-job.  That’s like 9-10 inches of clearance she’s got going on in her bangs.  Yet guys found that attractive?  REALLY?  Thank god I was thinking about boning Philip McKeon.  At least his lips would be able to make contact.  Anyway, Lisa isn’t doing so much in the entertainment world these days.  Despite the fact that she should have gone directly into porn or drugs after the F.O.L. run based on her acting ability (and HAIR), she didn’t.  She’s like some super conservative (even more than Kirk Cameron) Christian mom  who talks to girls about saving their virginity for Christ, or some shit like that.  Good on her for busting stereotypes and doing something.  “Blair”, while America’s sweetheart, CLEARLY wasn’t my favorite.  I hate her as a character.  I hated her “acting” ability.  I gave two shits who put the battery acid in her douche.  Frankly, the world would have been a better place without Blair.  (NOTE: There is a CLEAR distinction between my feelings for THE CHARACTER, and the person who played her)

As they say in television, folks, STAY TUNED!  There’s LOTS more to come…(And I’m not referring to Philip McKeon!)

How do I love thee?

I mentioned the other day how I had signed up for Dad Blogs DOT COM? This isn’t a test folks. I was just refreshing your memory. Anywho. They’re having a little contest over there, and it don’t involve rulers. It’s a Valentine’s contest where you can post a blog about how super fantastic your wife is…the prizes, FIVE $70 gift certificates to ProFlowers.com. I ass u me that that’s one gift certificate for five individual weiners…but maybe there’s one blog that’ll be more incredible than all the rest and steal all five??? I dunno.

So Joeprah, one of the sites co-founders, posts a contest update yesterday about recent entrants, rule clarification, and such. And I posted a very brief comment, “If I only had a wife…”.

***NON-ESSETIAL TANGENTIAL PARAGRAPH: I should note, before I go any further, I fucking adore the name “Joeprah”!

Okay. So. A little while later in the day, Joe sends me an email explaining that he didn’t want me to feel like I was excluded from the contest because my “wife” had a mangina and that they weren’t a discriminatory kind of site and yadda yadda yadda. He basically said that if I wanted to write a post about my finger puppet, mother, jailed sister, pregnant cousin, or anyone else I worshiped on Valentine’s Day that I could and all entries would be accepted. I assured Joe that I wasn’t sensitive to the love-fest going on over there with the guys and their wives, and all was good.

So while I’m not technically writing this post in an effort to win any sort of prizes, I thought, what the hell. Let me tell my Boo story.

My sweet kitten is the most amazing guy ever. He sticks with me regardless of my many whims. Over the years he’s navigated, successfully, through my:

• bowling ball obsession when I bought them every other day off of Ebay.
• “Under $2k and 200k miles, gotta have it car/cycle obsession". (Seriously, at one point there were six cars in my driveway).
• duct-tape phase, where I made wallets, purses, shopping bags, car-seat “upholstery”, and swimming trunks out of duct tape.
• Pet phase (where I came home with a new mammal every weekend).
• Camping phase (I still like to do this, but now I do it with the kids).
• Cell phone/Laptop addiction. Either I have a “problem” or manufacturers need to start making these products more durable.

He tolerates my:

• Shoddy weekend bathing schedule.
• Mother
• Smelly feet (that doesn’t have anything to do with my lack of bathing Friday through Sunday).
• Father.
• Bi-Polar personality/ADHD.
• Sister.
• Weekend nap schedule.
• Road rage.

But most importantly:

• He let’s me be me. I know many of you probably think or assume that “(F)reddy” is a performance piece, or an act. But I assure you…what you read is what I really am in person!).
• He agreed to adopt these rug rats and then let me abandon him to be a single parent for 32 years while I go back to school in the evenings.
• He always tells me how fabulous I am (and, it’s true, I am…but it’s nice to hear it)…AND tells others how amazing I am.
• His capacity to stay mad at me is about 21 seconds, and that’s if I REALLY piss him off.
• He has no sense of smell, so I can be as gassy as I want around him and not feel self-conscious about it.
• He’s an amazing poppa to the kids, and they worship him as “the ‘nice’ one”.

Now, that’s not to say my boo kat is perfect. No. In fact, he has many faults. He:

• Can’t cook to save his life. Boiling water is verboten for him in our house, because he can even fuck that up.
• Isn’t exactly sure where the recycling bin has been stored for the last 10 years. (Though he’s getting amazingly better since I’m not home in the evenings anymore to take his shit out).
• Thinks our house is green, but it’s not.
• Drives worse than my grand-mother did the day she drove home from the hospital the day after her hip surgery better.
• Has an unnatural obsession for comic books that is either going to defeat us or rescue us in these tough economic times ahead.
• Did I mention his cooking is terrible? Seriously. Ask him about his “Chicken Scaryaki”.
• Can navigate his way through any comic book and/or porn site, but can’t find another single thing on the internet. I’m not even sure if he knows what Google is.

He’s a pretty amazing guy. I’m sure many of you would argue he’s more amazing than pretty, but I’d disagree. I tell him all the time how lucky we are we found each other, cuz nobody else would tolerate either one of us. I enjoy being stuck to him. And I’m glad he enjoys being stuck to me.

Like I said, I didn’t write this to win any contest. I’ve already been told that I’m the absolute least romantic guy ever. I’ve been told I “ain’t marriage material”. The best Valentine’s day I ever gave my boo was when I took him to Bath Spa, UK for a week, and I even fucked that up by bringing his mother along. I try though, I really do.

The whatcha-hoosey-whatzit?

I feel like I may be watching my 4.0 GPA run past me down the hall. For reals, y’all. I think I’m too stoopid for “math”. Either that, or I just don’t understand THE POINT of this “math”. I mean, I can factor poly and trinomials until the cows come home. Seriously, I can do it in my sleep, and I’m durn good at it. I’m just not sure what the hell it is I’m supposed to be book learnin’ right now.

Now, granted, I started the class a week late. I get that. My bad for being so smart n’ purdy that I tested out of my intermediate algebra class and was able to sign up for a new one. But you’d think with me BEING so smart n’ purdy that I’d be able to catch on? Not so fast.

Week one was about “The mathematics of voting” (as taken directly from the T.O.C. in the front of the book). We’s learnt about preference ballots and preference schedules; the plurality method; the borda count method; the I don’t even know what the fuck that means method; etc. I had to stop and think to myself, all of these various methods of counting and determining voting outcomes would sure come in handy IF I EVER DECIDED TO BECOME A VOTING JUDGE. WTF? Really? Where’s my “guzzindas”? Where’s my y=mx+b?

I decided to make the best out of a confusing situation and go ahead and learn it. I figure someday it’ll come in handy when our family of 4 is having pizza night and there are a choice of 6 toppings ranked in order from 1 to 6 on each of our ballots. I can spend ten minutes tallying the votes using the plurality with elimination method and make whatever pizza “wins” the election. I can then use the expanded plurality with elimination method to tell Nathan which “place” his pizza preference came in. See what I mean? Useful, N-E-V-E-R.

This week we got out of the “Mathematics of Voting” and jumped head first into WEIGHTED VOTING SYSTEMS. Seriously. DID I sign up for an effing civics class instead of math? The first day of the chapter we learnt about the Banzhaf Power Index, or, as Professor NOT Larry Klye says, “the Banzhaf Power Index”? Confused? YEAH, SO AM I. Because he begins every class with:

(Pushing the center of his glasses to get them properly seated on his obscenely large nose): “Uhhh, claaaaas. Today we’re going to discuss the Banzhaf Power Index. At least I say “Banzhaf” because that’s my understanding of the pronunciation of the word. I’m not here to claim that this is the correct pronunciation, but only my understanding of it. So if any of you have any additional literature …(PRO-NUN-SSSSSSED… LIT-ER-CHERRRR) as to a different pronunciation, please feel free to bring it to the class’ attention”. Okay, dude, seriously. A) We ain’t in jolly ole England, so drop the formality with the PRO-NUN-SEE-AAAA-SHUN. You’re in Texas homie, PRO-NOUN-SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS it. And B) If you don’t know how the fuck TO PRO-NOUN-SSSSSSSSSS it, DON’T FUCKING SAY IT.

So he' drones on and on about the Banzhof Power Index, explains it, gives us an example. Yadda, yadda, yadda, we get it. Today we me on to the Shapley-Shubik Power Conclusion in weighted voting systems. And so as to save you and me time, read the italicized paragraph above over and substitute “Shapley-Shubik” for “Banzhaf Power Index”. Again, dude, for real, …never mind. Someone else in class today decided to raise her hand and ask what I had

been wondering myself, “What’s the fucking point in all this, dude? I mean, I thought I signed up for a math class”. And Professor NOT Larry Klye says, “Well, it’s useful (READY???) if, for example, YOU’RE THE CEO OF A COMPANY or trying to find ways to influence a vote in a board meeting or something similar”.

DO-YOU-SERIOUSLY-THINK a CEO is going to be sitting in a COLLEGE MATHEMATICS CLASS in a FUCKING COMMUNITY COLLEGE? Huh? Do you? Yeah, I guess this class IS going to be helpful, for when I become the CEO of my…uh, HOUSEHOLD. Oh, wait. I already am!

I can’t take this guy seriously. For reals. I can’t. I’m dying. And so, I fear, will that awesome, amazing 4.0. Did I mention I had a 4.0? I can’t remember if I did or not.

Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day…

Ahhhhhhhhhh, such a gorgeous day outside.  Makes my brain spin and spin and … well, you know.  You also know that when the wheels are spinning you get LOTS of randomocity!!!  HOOORAY for randomness!

INTRODUCTIONS:

So one of my most favorite blogger posts this week was from my buddy, Breen Lantern.  His rendition of Beyonce’s “All the single ladies” is one of the most hysterically funny videos I’ve seen since my cake eating video.  (Sorry Sean, I just can’t help make everything about me.  I’m a whore like that!)  What makes this post my favorite of the week, as you’ll see, he did the video JUST for me!  And I heart him hard for that.  Now I realize that blogs tend to get a little incestuous with the same circle of people reading the same circle of people…but if you’ve not checked Sean out, you should…(UNLESS it’s Monday and you have an aversion to seeing dudes in their silky things!)

SEAN’S VIDEO

(F)REDDY’S VIDEO

INTRODUCTIONS, CONTINUED:

I’ve stumbled across some new (to me) blogs recently, some by accident, and some by referral.  I’ve enjoyed reading Blond Boy Baking, but I can only read his blogs during certain times of the day.  As he’s always talking about food, I never walk away from there without wanting to lick my keyboard.  Since we all know how disgusting my keyboard is (and if you don’t, trust me), that’s not a good thing.  Staying in the vein of food, I’m still totally diggin’ on Mommy’s Kitchen. I made another one of her recipes the other day, the beef tips n’ mushrooms.  HEAVENLY.  I seriously cried when all the leftovers were gone.  Following a listen of Tom, the Ramble Redhead’s interwebs radio show I WILDLY AND SERIOUSLY MISTAKENLY ASS U MED a new website I’ve signed up with, Dad Blogs, was a blog site for gay dads.  It was a somewhat reasonable assumption.  His guest on the program was Brian from Green Dads, another gay dude who had adopted kids with his partner.  I just, naturally, assumed that a gay dude talking about a website was referring to a gay oriented website.  BOY HOWDY, I couldn’t be more wrong.  I think Brian and I may actually be the only TWO gay dads on the site…the only two OUT gay dads, anyway.  Nonetheless…since I signed up for the site, I have been contributing.  And I’ve been reading some of the other dad’s blogs.  In part, because, while we may not have a lot of things in common in one regard, our lives are very much the same in others.  I started reading “Al Bundy’s” blog and Mr. Big Dubya’s blogs and found that as far as parenting goes…we really do have a commonality.  Though I’m not (and doubt I ever will be) a blog they follow, I do enjoy theirs. 

MY PIMP SAYS, 20 DOLLA TO MAKE YOU HOLLA

So I mentioned Blond Boy Baking above, and Breen Lantern.  Sean (a/k/a Breen Lantern) pimps me out quite regularly (I think because he thinks doing so is going to get me to send him a picture of me in my undies for his Monday Undies posts!), but I was quite surprised, when checking out the blogs of people who had been leaving me comments, that I had been pimped in Blond Boy’s blog as well.  ADDITIONALLY, while craving muffins today and wanting to take my fatty with me before she dropped the kid out of her vajayjay, I looked on the Taste No Evil Muffin Company’s website this morning to find out Karisa’s hours and about fell out of my chair when I saw that SHE had pimped me on her company’s blog!  Y’all, I am so humbled that you like (or cringe about) what you read that you’d tell other peoples about me.  It’s such an honor and brings tears to…well, it’s an honor folks.  That’s alls I can say.  Other than, THANK YOU.

AND SINCE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT MUFFINS!

If I don’t watch it, I’m going to have a muffin top by March.  Oh, hell.  Who am I kidding. I already got one!  That’s right, you’re not seeing double below.  OH NO MAMM!  I picked up TWO blueberry bliss muffins this morning.  I feel like a total jackass too, because I had told myself last time that I was most definitely, without a doubt, going to have one of their STUFFED CREAM CHEESE COFFEE CAKE muffins the next time I went…and I started salavating thinking about the blueberry muffins when I walked up and completely forgot!  I guess another trip this week may be in order!

If I’m being completely honest, I think I may have a little fan-girlie crush on Karisa.  There, I said it.

So.  About this weather.  Did I mention it was FABULOUS?

Okay, I know I’ve given you a lot to watch, read, check out, etc.  Get to gettin’ folks, and remember.  Be kind to each other.  (Except for Sean.  You can be mean to him, he likes it.)

I got soul, but ain’t a soldier

Following my colossal failure of “forgetting our anniversary” last year, I had to make up for it…big.  Fortunately the Boo’s birthday immediately follows the anniverserarium and, also fortunately, tickets for The Killers went on sale the same day, as did their newest album.  I think my forgetfulness paid off?  The Boo was happy.

Last night was the concerto.  It was late for A) me, B) a school night, and C) me on a school night.  There was a time I could stay up until midnight on a…well, any night of the week.  But…

Nonetheless, we had a great time at the show last night.  The evening started with M83.  They were a throwback to the 80’s techno synth pop bands.  Which I mostly enjoyed back then.  But I had one big problem with M83.  There were two synth-keyboardist in the band, a chick and a dude.  Presumably the dude was the lead singer?  I have no idea, because he had a hoodie on the entire performance (in TEXAS, yeah) AND, most insultingly, the keyboards were facing each other …and not even facing the audience…for THE ENTIRE PERFORMANCE.  At first I threw it up there to “schtick”…awwwww, how cute.  They’re singing to each other.  But after the third performance of the two of them facing each other, and not the audience, I got annoyed and wondered if the two of them even realized there was an audience.  It’s a shame too, cuz, apparently, the lead singer is a hottie.  Not that anyone in the audience would know, cuz he looked like The Hunchback up on stage with his hoodie and our side-view perspective. 

Next up came The Killers…and they just put on a heck of a stage show.  Brandon Flowers was quite the crowd worker.  I don’t get the whole feathered shoulder pads though.  I really felt that Brandon’s performance was 1000% better than the douche-nozzle behind me who was VERY ENTHUSIASTICALLY yelling along to EVERY song.  He even got most of the lyrics right.  I was worried I wouldn’t know much from their discography (cuz, honestly, The Killers is Jed’s bag, not my own!), but surprisingly I knew well over 3/4 of the set(s).  I guess I can hear a lot better than I thought I could.  A great evening, for sure, but the morning came a few hours too early for me.  I know I’m going to pay for it today.