Red Robin

Over the weekend we met our friends, Joey & Eddie, for lunch at Red Robin. I've never been to a Red Robin, but having heard the kids of We're Mean Because You're Stupid talking about their "bottomless fries" last summer, I've been a little more than intrigued. I haven't exactly busted any speed records to get over there, cuz it goes against my whole "chain" thing, but I haven't crossed it off my list of possibilities.

I had ass u med that Red Robin was on the same level as a What-A-Burger…a burger chain type place. It's more along the lines of a Chili's or a T.G.I. Fridays. Chili's and T.G.I. Fridays, by the way…my LEAST favorite types of chains! The one nice thing I can say about them is that regardless if I'm in Austin or Kalamazoo, I can order my "favorite thing" and it'll taste exactly the same in both places.

Since Red Robin didn't have "counter service", it was an HONEST TO GOD restaurant, I had to get some help from the ladies. I got on le' cell phone and sent an urgent 411 to Twitter asking what I should order. My lovely Walt responded that the Royal Red Robin burger often brought him "tears of joy". In an effort to make him cry, without punching him in the throat, I closed my menu and ordered just that when the waiter came back to the table.

As a group we started off with the tower of onion rings.

These things were tasty, but they weren't any better than the rings you get at Hut's, and I CERTAINLY didn't think they were worth the NINE DOLLAR price tag. At thirteen rings, that's about 69 cents a ring. For real? You can buy a whole onion and some beer batter for a helluva lot cheaper than that.

So the waiter brought our food to the table. Walt, SOLID suggestion. The burger was delicious.

I didn't even worry about the slim quantity of fries on my plate. Honestly, I was so full after everything I didn't care if they were bottomless or not. AND, I was pleasantly surprised with the bill:

Until I found out that their "kids eat free" promotion ends at the end of the month. You'd expect to add another $10 to this total for the kids meals/drinks…which, at that point, it becomes a little more expensive than I care to spend on LUNCH.

The ONLY complaint I had about this particular Red Robin was the bathroom was the most disgusting bathroom I had ever been in in my entire life…okay, that’s a stretch. But, seriously, there was a busted water something or other somewhere in the bathroom and I was literally splashing at the urinal…NOT something I want to be doing, splashing in someone else's urine (that I DON'T know!). I brought it to the waiter's attention, just in case they didn't know their bathroom was flooded. I said, "I'm not sure if y'all are aware of it or not, but the floor in the restroom is flooded". Do you know what the twink asked me? For real? "Uhhhhhh, the womens or the mens restroom?" You just can't buy stupid like that.

But I realize this isn't a reflection of the quality of the FOOD at Red Robin.

I've decided to start ranking my restaurant reviews on a 5-Star system. That said, Red Robin gets:

2.5 Stars

December Challenge Day 20

There is a phenomenon sweeping this great country that needs to be addressed. It also needs to be stopped. I fully realize I am about to alienate at least two of my readers, and one of my favorite. I'll let y'all fight it out amongst yourselves on who my fav is…that, in and of itself is it's own blog.

I'm talking about yard art. Basically, if it hasn't shot out of mother earth's own vagina, it has no business being in your yard. I honestly think a garden gnome here and there is cute. Perhaps a faux stone wagon strategically placed amid your bed of pansies might even be cute. An angel here and there? Knock yourself out. These types of adornments don't really bother me that much. In fact, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I don't have one or five of them.

I am, however, talking about this pervasive usage of these hideous holiday monstrosities that are hand sewn nylon creations (hand sewn by 4 10 year olds in a Thailand sweat shop) with the motorized blowers assembled by some equally inept 8 year old in Taiwan. If your yard decoration has a blower as part of the display, get rid of it. It's not cute, it's not festive, the neighbors are not "going to love it".

Jed's mom was here a couple of weeks ago. She found one such yard display at a local Hell-Mart. She told Jed she was going to buy it. I wasn't there, but the exchange went something like this:

DIVA: OH JED! Look at that! Isn't it adorable? I want to get it for the boys.

JED: Uh, mom. I'm not really sure we're inflatable yard art people.

DIVA: But the boys will LOVE it.

JED: I'm not so sure Freddy will.

Jed was ABSOLUTELY right. There is no way in hell that I would allow an 8-foot tall (and equal diameter) blow up carousel with real spinning horses be blown up in my front yard. Forget the tackiness in my own yard. My neighbors, Hot Tommy and his wife, Hot Sarah, would kill me. RIDICULOUS. So they return from the local town killer and Diva says, "Jed's a joy killer. He wouldn't let me buy a blow up carousel for the boys. He said 'Y'all weren't YARD ART people' and I told him phewy." I told Diva that Jed, apparently, knew me better than I gave him credit for and that I was, in fact, not "yard art people." Good save Jed! I owe you one.

So I'm driving around the neighborhood and I would like to give you some visualizations of exactly what it is that FREDDY thinks is tack-y. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present to you exhibit 1:

This here happens to be the EXACT same carousel that Diva wanted to purchase for me. You tell me, readers. Was I being unreasonable?



Now I'm not sure I even like little snow globes in my house. They fall. They break. They're messy. Children cut their fingers on shards of broken glass. Why would I want this in my front yard?



After, what? 15 years on television, isn't it time you had him blown up in your front yard? And look how festive he is all dressed up in a Santa suit.



In case your children don't get enough of "It's a white Christmas Charlie Brown" on television, you can always send them out to your front yard to recreate it.



Why decorate ONE tree INSIDE your house when you can put 15 artificial trees OUTSIDE your house and import some metal deer to give it an added "country" feel to your city house.



Cute, tastefully done authentic candy cane archway to frame your walkway to your house with an inflatable chimney on top of your house with a Santa popping up and down. Now why didn't I think of that?



Don't have time to decorate a tree inside your house? Just blow one up outside.



This photo is a little blurry, but I wanted you to see the 6 foot tall bear "with gifts"…and it may actually clue you lazier readers into where I'm about to go next…



Don't want to go to Church or the theater this year to see the story of Jesus' birth? Not a problem. We've got you covered.





But the most amazing thing of all folks, in case you haven't figured it out yet…the common thing all these lovely inflatable pieces of art have is their location. Yes, you may have figured it out. They're all at the same house.



And I shit you not. This particular family must shop every post holiday sale throughout the year at every store in town looking for nothing but other inflatables. Because this is the scene in their front yard YEAR ROUND for every frickin' holiday. In fact, catch me in February for the 14 foot tall inflatable cupid and heart.

That's all I got. And frankly, it's enough.

December Challenge Day 7

Most restaurants would flip out if they had a rodent infestation. Today Adrian and I went to a place that not only embraces rodents, they have them on payroll!

On Friday, the day Adrian had a melt down at school, I found, stuffed in the bottom of his back pack, an invitation to a classmate’s birthday party. The party was today at Chuck E. Cheeses, and I have to admit I had a lot more fun than I anticipated. Don’t get me wrong. We’re not getting a family fun pass or anything, but yeah. It was a’ight. And the diarrhea hasn’t started yet, so bonus.

Anthony’s mothers started the kids out with a coloring activity. If the kids finished a picture, they were given an additional 12 tokens (3 dollars) to play the games and ride the rides.



We were positioned right next to the animatronic stages, so it made the coloring seem boring. “The Kids” (Adrian and Anthony…and later Lilianna) were more interested in dancing with the robots.



Following subpar pizza and sodas, the kids were cut loose to play for a bit. Anthony and Adrian chased each other around the indoor playscape, and then I was able to coax Adrian onto a few theme rides.



The picture above was a roller coaster adventure. There is a screen in front of the cart and the cart, in theory, is supposed to mimic the actions of the ride. HOWEVER, I was watching from behind and the ride was out of sync with the video. Adrian didn’t seem to notice and had a great time.

I had posted a twitpic when I got there of the delicious candy apples Anthony’s mom had made. I was jealous. I so totally wanted one.



But at least I was able to have some of this cake. Folks, when I tell you this cake was the bomb, it was the bomb-digityest-bomb-bomb of cakes I’ve had in a long time. I wasn’t a huge fan of the icing, but the cake itself was a white cake with a strawberry cream cheese filling and sliced strawberries on top of the cream cheese. I almost nutted in Chuck E. Cheeses. How embarrassing is that?



The absolute best part of the occasion though, was I got to get this very sweet picture of my sweet little boy. I love that kid, and am glad that he’s got friends that will invite him to Chucky’s.



Completely random thought, I just felt a crown fall off in my mouth. JESUS! Seriously? THREE WEEKS BEFORE CHRISTMAS? Why can’t they fall off in March when the IRS pays me back???

God does, in fact, work in mysterious ways

"Dearly beloved, We are gathered here today2 get through this thing called life

Electric word life, It means forever and that's a mighty long time

But I'm here 2 tell u, There's something else, The afterworld

A world of never ending happiness, U can always see the sun, day or night

So when u call up that shrink in Beverly Hills, U know the one - Dr Everything'll Be Alright. Instead of asking him how much of your time is left. Ask him how much of your mind, baby." -PRINCE

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here today to testify and to tell the world that through the power of prayer my lifelong struggles with weight control are completely over. Can I get an AMEN? You see, today I went to Taco Bell for lunch. Since I was on my scooter, I opted not to get my "usual" because I wouldn't be able to get the ginormous platter of nachos back to work with me. Instead, I opted for a whole new meal. Taco Bell has a new product right now called the Nacho Crunch Burrito. I decided, by ordering one of these delicious sounding delights, I would be killing two birds with one stone. I'd get my burrito AND my nachos. So I got one of these, two bean burritos, and two tacos...which would have been standard for me along with any nacho order!

As I was waiting for my food, I couldnt' help but overhearing the loud television in the dining area of Taco Bell. Normally they have it tuned to News 8 Austin, so I can catch my weather on the 8's, and the news about Austin's latest serial raper. But today, folks, they had it tuned to The 700 Club. Today's "message" was all about the healing power of prayer and touch. Rather than praying that someone touch me, I just listened, praying that my order would hurry up. I'll be damned if preacher man didn't start telling a story about "Chris" (I'm sure, a made up name).

Chris was suffering from a horrible affliction of "painful, pus filled, blisters, that oozed constantly" when she "accidentally tuned into their program". Through the power of prayer in touch, The 700 Club is happy to announce that not only are Chris' blisters GONE, but there's no scar tissue anywhere to be seen. Praise Jesus. Thank God for that.

So next I take a bite out of my Chicken Nacho Crunch burrito. You would be surprised how the mind plays tricks on someone when they bite into a nacho cheese and sour cream stuffed burrito with refried beans. Yes ladies and gentlemen, my burrito tasted just like this:

Thank you 700 Club. Thank you Taco Bell. From now on, I am a full-on anorexiant. I hope you're happy. Praise Jesus.