Warren Chisum is a douche nozzle

douche [doosh] noun, verb, douched, douch⋅ing. –noun 1. a jet or current of water, sometimes with a dissolved medicating or cleansing agent, applied to a body part, organ, or cavity for medicinal or hygienic purposes. 2.the application of such a jet. noz⋅zle [noz-uhl]noun 1. a projecting spout, terminal discharging pipe, or the like, as of a hose or bellows.

(Douche Nozzle) (Warren Chisum)

April 10, 2005 was a fantastic day for my family. It was the day that my oldest son came to live with my family. It’s one of my top 5 days of my entire life, a day I will never forget. April 16, 2005 was also another day I’ll never forget. It was the day that Rep. Warren Chisum (R), Pampa, Texas introduced a bill to the Texas legislature to place a ban on the adoption of children by homosexuals. I had a huge anxiety attack that day. I had waited so long for my perfect family, and no sooner had my child been placed there was someone trying to stop it from happening. See, Adrian’s adoption wouldn’t be finalized for 7 more months after he came to live with us. The bill, of course, failed. But it still chaps my ass every time I think about this douche nozzle.

Two years later Texas decided to take up CPS reform. At the last second, Warren Chisum, again, tacked on an amendment to the CPS reform bill to ban same-sex couples from adopting children. There was an uproar in the legislature and his amendment was stricken from the bill and it passed without incident.

Our state legislature is again back in session and they’re busy “improving” our state. And Warren Chisum is in the news again. He hasn’t attacked MY rights again, yet. But he has been busy with yours. Earlier this week he introduced a bill that would require married couples (YAAAAY, FINALLY doesn’t affect me!) seeking a divorce to undergo 10 hours of counseling before a divorce would be granted. This would be at a cost of $50-100/pp./hr. to the happy couple seeking a divorce.

So, let’s summarize: California (and many, many other states), gays can’t marry. And in Texas, straights can’t divorce. Ain’t that a kick in the rubber parts? And while I not hoping any of my straighties get a divorce, I don’t think it’s governments business to tell them they can’t. It’s a matter of personal choice and it’s not a GOVERNMENTS choice. Warren Chisum must be one hell of a tortured soul if he’s constantly thinking about what his constituents are doing behind closed doors. That’s kind of sick, if you think about it.

The right to privacy is a presumable right, according to that little ol’ Bill o’ Rights of ours. It’s not explicit, but is implied. Many court cases have backed this up. Griswold v Connecticut was a case about contraception, and the Supreme Court upheld that it wasn’t the government’s business what two consenting adults did behind closed doors. Roe v Wade, regardless of how you feel about it personally, is fundamentally about a person’s right to privacy. Lawrence v Texas, again a right to privacy and finally decriminalizes one of things that the Boo and I enjoy. So when a couple decides to get a divorce, there’s an implied RIGHT TO PRIVACY ON THEIR PRIVATE MATTERS.

I’m curious where this arbitrary “10-hours of couples counseling” came from in Ms. Chisum’s mind. I mean, there are dinners that I prepare that take more than 10 hours to “fix”.

Let’s say, for example, you get home from work one day and you see a sweaty Ron Jeremy going at your wife’s starfish from behind and a line of six naked guys behind him waiting for their turn to take a stab at her. That’s going to take a little bit more than 10-hours of counseling to recover from, don’t you think? I mean, there’s a really strong possibility that you may be scarred for life if you see something like that, right? And before you hit me with the, “Well, (F)reddy, that’s a bit of an extreme example…”, PUH-LEEZE. I’ve seen Xtube…I KNOW what kind of sick, twisted, perverted stuff y’all are capable of.

Let’s say your wife goes all Lorena Bobbit on your junk, exactly how many hours do you think you’re going to need before you recover from that?

How’s about America’s favorite “heterosexual with issues”? Do you honestly think Ted Haggard’s wife is going to be able to work out these issues? THEY’VE BEEN IN THERAPY since that entire fiasco began, and NOW there’s more menz coming forward talking about their relationships with Teddy Bear…AND HE’S NOT DENYING THEM. Not ten hours, folks, YEARS OF THERAPY.

Now, if your wife is torturing you by making pickled beets every night for dinner, yeah, sure, perhaps a neutral third party can slap some sense into her for you and you can work your issues out. However, regardless if you can or not, IT’S A PERSONAL MATTER AND GOVERNMENT HAS NO BUSINESS IN YOUR PERSONAL MATTERS. So I’m fully aware that the vast majority of Americans are deeply dead set against MY personal matters. That’s coo. I’m able to turn the cheek, for the most part. I just want to go on record to say that when the government start tweeking YOUR issues, (F)reddy’s got your back. Even when you don’t have mine.

Leap of faith...or more like dumb blonde luck.

Yesterday at the office I noticed my dear sweet Kevin in Danbury on the gchat and noticed he had a cutesy little icon next to his name…a webcam icon. I hadn’t realized gchat HAD audio/video chat now and thought it would be cool to video chat with Kevin, since I hadn’t seen him since our last trip to NYC.

I downloaded the program for the gchat chat chat and installed it. When it started up and did the configuration I was bummed to notice the little blue light on my webcam hadn’t come on. No worries. You typically have to restart your computra after an install, right? I closed everything up and clicky clickied on the start button and restarted my baby. But…then…something…dreadful…happened! My computra didn’t restart. It never shut down. It kept spinning and spinning like Pete Burns (PRE-sex change). I ended up having to do a hard close on my machine to get it to shut down. No worries.

When the computer started whirling again, it went through the standard, “you were an idiot and didn’t shut down properly…I’m going to take 20 minutes to scan your drives to be sure nothing is fucked up”. It never finished. It shut itself down, midway, and restarted again…the second time, it DID finish the disc scan. I IMMEDIATELY went to my add/remove programs button to undo what I had just did. Unistalled the WHOLE enchilada, beans, AND rice. I restarted my computer again, and even though it shut down properly, when it booted back up again it went through the whole disc scan again. I thought it was odd, but honestly didn’t think much of it.

After everything was set right in the world again I opened up my cybercam program to verify my camera was working again. No blue light. Nothing…except a message saying “no camera detected, plug that thing in and let me look again”. (My computer is even sassier than me sometimes!) I went through my entire device manager thing and noticed that the “video devices” were no longer an option for me. I knew I had JUST used the camera, because I had used it to post that totally awesome picture of my new wallet on January 7th. So I did what any rational thinking queer would do.

I did a system restore to the last restore point right before the 7th. I KNEW my camera worked on the 7th (MUST do more video conferencing!!!), therefore restoring my system to right before that point would solve everything. The restore took about 6 minutes and the computer shut itself down to reboot.

When it came back on…IT WENT THROUGH THE DISC SCAN AGAIN! Jesus H. Christ. I went back to the device manager, still no video devices. Went back to the cybercam program JUST TO VERIFY what I already knew, no blue light and same message about no camera found…yadda yadda yadda, plug it in, I’ll give it a tug, we can video conference” message. I tried to do an “add hardware” command, “no new hardware found”. I felt a little defeated.

I knew I had to get my camera fixed pronto. If not for my legions of adoring fans who love pictures of my super hot, humble, self, then so I can have video conference with Jed for the next 9 weeks while I’m back in school so he doesn’t forget what I look like.

I logged on to the HP Help Desk “instachat” thingymabob. After a GRUELING hour and 40 minutes text chat with my technician, he informed me, “Mr. (F)reddy, your computer sir, is, how we say, FUBAR. You know FUBAR? It mean FUCKT UP BEYOND REPAIRS we can do on the intrawebs”. He went on to say, “HOWEVER, I have good news for you Mr. (F)reddy. I have looked at your purchase history and your computer we are try to fix today sir is covered under HP’s warranty sir. And what I am going to do is send you a box and a FedEx label. You, sir, will send us your computer and we will have it fixed and back to you within three days”.

PHENOMENAL.

EXCEPT.

WHY COULDN’T THIS HAVE HAPPENED IN THE LAST SEVEN WEEKS?

WHY did it have to happen THE NIGHT BEFORE I GO BACK TO SCHOOL?

WHAT THE HELL am I supposed to use for school until…

Oh wait! It should be back before Monday, right?!?

Today I spent the better part of the day doing a back up of my files and programs. I’m trusting I did it correctly. Cuz I got about 40 gb of videos from using a bulb syringe to pull bloody mucous plugs from Nathan’s nose and other awesome events from my children’s first 4 years. I’ve got about 37 gb of pictures that I will die if I never get to see again. I have 83 gb of music. I’ve got EVERY SINGLE document I’ve ever created since my umbilical cord dropped off saved in my documents. (Not quite sure how much space that takes up).

I’m mostly bummed because I have programs that I purchased and use frequently that won’t come with a factory reimaged machine. I’m worried about my contacts. I’m worried about my OCD calendars. (Seriously people, you have NO idea how bad my calendar addiction is. I have menus and grocery lists already made out through 2017.) I’m worried about the programs that I bought online that I didn’t save passwords for “unlocking”. Mostly, though, I’m worried about my memories. I ain’t shit without my computer. I can’t even remember my sweet precious boyfriend, Robert’s, name without my computer.

I suppose CHECKING the “backup” would be the most obvious thing to do to VERIFY everything copied over. And I did look…but all the files in the back up are zipped, or otherwise compressed. It’s not like I can just click on the “My Pictures” link and see all of my photos (arranged alphabetically by persons in the picture, location taken, year taken, approximate time of day taken, and what I was thinking when I took the picture). Same thing with the music. I’m basically taking a leap of faith that technology is saving the $32 MILLION dollars I’ve spent on music over the last three decades (I itemize for the IRS, that’s how I’m able to give you exact figures).

I’ll be sending my life-line to the world to some anonymous stranger in Malaysia to blow the pubic hair out from under the key board and fix my stupid, STUPID camera (and other system failures). If you don’t hear from me ever again it’s because I didn’t save my contacts, favorites, or RSS feeds correctly…I haven’t died, nor have you angered me.

MOSTLY, however, I want to say, KEVIN YOU’RE A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG FOR HAVING GOOGLE AUDIO/VISUAL ON YOUR COMPUTER AND MAKING ME WANT TO TALK TO YOU YESTERDAY. YOU’RE DEAD IN MY EYES. YOU HEAR ME? DEAD.

Hope you’re well...AND enjoying your new president. Oh, and in case you missed it! CLASSES started back up tonight…so there’s a chance, if you don’t hear from me for a while, THAT has something to do with it too!

Why stop with the Mormons?

I read an article on Towleroad this morning about a petition being circulated to strip the tax-exempt status from the Mormon Church for the role they played in the passage of Proposition 8 in California. If you’re inclined to check out the details, you may do so here. I’m all for “sticking it” to the people who had a hand in this, but folks, the Mormon’s didn’t do this to us alone. There were MANY other groups that helped them raise millions of dollars for the passage of Proposition 8. Why aren’t the folks who have set their sights on the Mormon church up in arms about the Knights of Columbus? They were the second largest contributor to “the cause”. They should have their tax-exempt status stripped as well. What about all the other churches that raised funds and put their names on the list of support? EVERY group that participated in this atrocity should be equally accountable. I guess, though, this is a start. Eh?

Are you there God? It's me, Freddy.

A few months ago Jed and I started discussing taking the boys to church so they could start learning the basic Bible stories and start developing a foundation of a belief system without being influenced one way or the other by the daddy and their poppa. As you may imagine, religion is a touchy subject with us. Not me 'n Jed, but us. While we want the boys to learn the parables, the stories where good prevails evil; right outsmarts wrong; the underdog forges ahead, we both agree that we need to pull the boys out of church before they learn the ugly truth about all religions. I have this thought in my head that plays out like this:

Adrian: Daddy, do you believe in God?

Daddy: No sweet boy, I don't.

Adrian: Why?

Daddy: Well, you see son. Many of today's conflicts have started based on God and religion. There are many different types of religions Adrian, each having their own Gods, yet none of them really agreeing on what their own God wants, believes or teaches. Basically son, all religions hide behind their flags and preach against one another. The Jews hate the Christians. The Christians hate the Muslims. The Muslims hate everyone. At one time, believe it or not, the Greeks had their own Gods. Everyone has since dismissed them as Mythical characters, and this is sort of how daddy feels about the modern day God. Does that make sense to you son?

Adrian: Not really daddy. Everyone I know tells me:

Lets be honest. Eventually the boys are going to hear it and then I'm going to have to explain it. And since I've gone ahead and opened the can of worms, I'll go ahead and expound a little further.

Yes, at one time the Greeks did have their own deity system. At what point did a revolution begin and someone say, hey, Greek Guy. You can't have 2 dozen Gods to explain every event. There is only one God. My God. You must believe in my God, or you will burn in the fiery pits of hell.

I stand firm on my statement that Christians can't come to a consensus on the truth about God. Does God, in fact, really hate...anyone? Not just fags, but Jews? Polygamist? Hows about goat fuckers? I got one Christian church telling me that soldiers in Iraq are dying because of me, because I'm gay. I've got another Christian church telling me that that church is crazy. The soldiers aren't dying because I'm gay, however I will be burning in the pits of hell because I'm gay. And yet another church is saying, "You're gay? GREAT! God doesn't care what you are and neither do we as long as you tithe 10 percent of your income. Welcome brother." If God really hates anything, is that something I want to expose my children to? I don't mind if they hate sprouts or mustard, but do I want them hating people?

The way I see it, the problem with Christianity is nobody can get on the same page. In that regard, if you read yesterday's blog, Christians are very much like gay men. They can't even agree to disagree, they just fight with each other and talk about each other on Fox News. I don't understand how an entire group of people who all identify themselves as Christians can have so many different interpretations of a single book? Yet they drone on under the same banner of Christianity trying desperately to make the rest of the world think like them, and act like them.

Puhleez don't get me wrong. I am so not bagging on Christians. I know LOTS of Christians who are great people. There are many people who volunteer for the homeless. Even your very own Freddy diligently serves the elderly every single Monday at 11 am. He finds himself delivering food to the home- bound old folks on Austin's forgotten East Side. Does it make me any less of a person because I don't consider myself a Christian? The fact of the matter is I DON'T KNOW if there is a God. I've been taught that the Romans were wrong, the Greeks were wrong. And isn't it convenient, or is it a coincidence, that The Bible tells us they were wrong because of that whole idol worship thing??? Who am I to tell you that your God doesn't exist? Or the Muslims? Or the Buddhist? Better yet, who are you to tell me that I'm less of a person for the simple fact that I don't have a God.

If I've offended you, apologies. Go ahead and do the Christian thing. Forgive me.