December Challenge Day 31

DEAR BESSIE I’m glad this month is OVER!

So I sorta made the challenge, eh? I missed only a day or two? Not bad.

The boys and I had a great day. We started off the morning returning all of our duplicate Christmas gifts. The only frustration was at Best Buy trying to exchange season 4 of Oz for Season 6. They only wanted to credit me the “lowest advertised price” for the set and have me pay the difference DESPITE the fact that both sets were the same price. They said that since I didn’t have the receipt they had to assume that it was bought at the sales price. I said, “With that logic I have to assume that season 6 was on sale the same time season 4 was on sale and purchased therefore I shouldn’t have to pay the difference”. They didn’t see it that way, so I still have two sets of season 4 of hot prison love.

We made our “magic wands” later in the morning. Honestly the boys had more fun throwing confetti around the dining room than they did actually helping me out with the project. I have it all on video and I’ll be posting that in a bit…more on that later.

We took lunch up to Poppa at work and had lunch with him. At this point the boys were beginning their morning melt-down, so I rushed home and the three of us took a nap.

We made pizza for dinner and then the four of us hoped on the #5 to head downtown for “First Night” festivities. It’s Austin’s NYE celebration. I noticed earlier in the week they had built this huge, gorgeous 3-story wooden clock down on Auditorium shores. I heard on the news that it was a “resolution clock” that was basically an effigy to resolutions that was set to be set ablaze at 8 this evening. I was partly disappointed they were going to torch it, cuz it was that nice, but I was also excited for the boys to see it. We ass u med the bus would be a better, safer, option for us to get downtown…and we wouldn’t have to fight for parking. As it turns out, the buses were on “parade route”, therefore they dropped us off at 12^th and Congress and we had to hoof it the 13 blocks to auditorium shores. We made the most of it.

After having family fun down at First Night, I decided I’d rather catch a pedicab to get back to 12^th rather than carry the 35 lb. boys all the way back up there. I don’t know how or why, but Jed and I always manage to find the ONE pedicab driver that can’t support our weight. Seriously, we could have gotten back to the Capital faster on foot, but it was nice not having to carry the kids. AND it didn’t hurt the cabbie was on the cuter side (and I use that term loosely, cuz none of them were all that!). He got us back just in time for us to see our bus drive right past us. So we had to sit and wait 30 minutes for the next one. We ended up not getting home until 1030…WAY past the boys bedtime and, honestly, after mine.

I FINALLY figured out a way to get around with the problem I’ve been having with editing my videos lately. I’m bummed I haven’t been able to post or send our Christmas day video to my folks (or my interwebs stalkers) yet…but I’ve been having problems with my program. I was having the same frustrating problems editing the videos I took today and ended up downloading a different (older) version of the software and it seems to be working now. HOWEVER, as it’s 1137 in the pm, I’m too tired to work on it tonight…so I’ll get it out when I can.

It’s been a real pleasure getting to know some of you better throughout this past year. Looking forward to writing more for you and reading more of you. Hope you and yours have a safe and happy new year.

And with that, the challenge is O-V-E-R!!! YAAAAAY ME!

December Challenge: Day 1

THE CHALLENGE:
Spurred on by my dearest Walt, I am taking the month long challenge of posting a blog a day. Okay, okay. So Walt didn’t exactly challenge me, but he did it for the month of November and I thought I’d follow suit by doing the challenge for December. Because I am a sheep and I like to follow the herd. I also like to push myself when I am completely stressed and add more to my plate to make me bend even further.

TRAUMATIZING THE TODDLER:
Today was Bug’s first day of “school”. I wish I could have posted pictures of this magnanimous occasion, but you’ll see why I don’t have any here in a second. For those who don’t know, our sweet little Bug doesn’t talk. Yes, he’s three, but he doesn’t talk. Many people have said it’s because his brother says everything for him and he doesn’t need to talk. It’s true. Adrian talks enough for an army. But it concerned me for so long that we had him evaluated by speech therapists and the like to find out what’s going on. I didn’t want my little boy to be trapped in his head, I wanted the best of everything for him. While he’s been nattering on a little more and more every day lately, he’s still not where he needs to be. OFFICIALLY, he’s 18 months delayed with his speech. UNOFFICIALLY, he’s “just a three year old and will talk when he’s ready”.

For the last five months he’s been getting speech therapy once a month for 45 minutes and occupational therapy for 45 minutes twice a month. His occupational therapist tells me he wants to be a rodeo clown when he grows up, and this is fine by me. Cuz I love a good rodeo.
His speech therapy benefits through Easter Seals expired on his 3rd birthday on the 22nd of this month. From there, AISD (Austin Independent School District) picked up where Easter Seals left off. They also increased his speech therapy to 3 hours a day/ 5-days a week. So far I’ve not been completely thrilled with the communication with the school district.

For example: When we enrolled him I told them he wouldn’t be able to start until December 1st, because he was going to be out of town for the entire week after his birthday. Imagine my surprise as I was walking around the house in my lacy panties on the 24th of November when I heard the school bus outside. I ran out there (AFTER I threw some pants on, of course) and told the bus driver that he wasn’t supposed to start for another week. She left, angry I’m sure. I made a mental note of the time so I’d know when to have Bug ready for the bus. 0654. This morning I got up and made the kids waffles for breakfast. I wanted his first day to be special. I opened the blinds on the front of the house so I could see the bus when it pulled up; hopped in the shower; got mostly dressed; went into the kitchen to start making Bear’s lunch when I SAW THE BUS PULL UP IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE…AT 0640. Bug was still in his pajamas. I got the kid dressed faster than you’ve ever seen a kid get dressed in his life. What made me sad was I had this whole plan in my head that I’d get him dressed and tell him about his new school and the fun bus ride he was going to get to take. None of this happened. I basically hurried up and got him dressed, picked him up and ran outside and threw him on a bus with a bunch of strangers, strapped him in his seat and ran out the door while I heard him screaming, “DAAAADEEEEEEEEE”. I know he’s traumatized this morning. I feel horrible. I realize he’ll “bounce back”, but this is not how I wanted his first day of school to be. NOW I know that I have to have him ready “between 0630 and 0700” for the bus to pick him up. Thanks for that stellar communication.

DAAADEEEEEEEE School:
The last day of classes for me I think are on the 9th? I have an Algebra class tonight, my final English paper due tomorrow (which I haven’t started yet), an Algebra test on Wednesday, a History test on Thursday, my Algebra final next Monday, and my History final next Thursday. Needless to say, I’m ready for this semester to be over. I’ll get a good 4-weeks off before gearing up for the next semester (which I was SUPPOSED to register for 2 weeks ago). During which time I can do all my Christmas shopping, have a holiday or two, and reconnect with my family that I haven’t gotten to spend any time with for the last 3 months. PERHAPS, even, I can soothe Bug’s feather’s from his new schedule AND register for the next semester before it’s too late.

MADAGASCAR 2 v. BOLT
I took the boys to see both movies this weekend. Bolt was the clear winner. I enjoyed the original Madagascar and have been looking forward to the sequel since I saw the trailer this summer. I realize this next part is going to sound absolutely ridiculous, so I welcome the ridicule. Madagascar 2 just lacked any believability. Like, seriously, I understand its animation and it has talking animals and such. But there is a certain amount of believability with animated movies. Things just work. But there was so much in Madagascar 2 that was just so outside the realm of possibility that it just came off as a hurried sequel. BOLT, on the other hand, was completely believable AND AWESOME! It was so amazingly awesome that I will most definitely be taking the boys to see it again on Saturday.

AND FOR YOU COMIC BOOK NERDS:
You know who you are. My dear sweet boo kat (is going to kill me for this) is participating in his OWN December Challenge. I don’t know if any of you follow CBR (Comic Book Resources DOT COM!), but he is participating in the December D-List challenge where he and 3 other comic book nerds will be profiling their favorite D-List characters (one a day for the month of December). So if you’re “reality challenged” and are interested in seeing how Jed spends his waking hours, check out the CBR December D-List Challenge. Boo Kat writes under the name Jack Flash. I noticed quite a few nerds already checked in on the thread!

Even I'm not gay enough to ride this cycle.

Drivers Ed, (F)reddy Style

When I was a wee lad we had this class available to us in school. It was, of course, an elective class, not a requirement. But most of us took it as a way to kill our summer months between the 9th and 10th grades. It was called “Driver’s Ed”, “Ed” being short for EDUCATION for those of you who haven’t had your afternoon Starbuck’s yet.

In this class we learned an amazing skill. It was called DRIVING. And we didn’t have to do it driving around the cars with the pizza deliveryesque billboards on the top of them announcing to everyone (as if nobody could tell) “WARNING: DRIVING STUDENTS ON BOARD!!!” No shit. That person going 15 in a 65 is a DRIVING STUDENT? I just though he was EIGHTY. Not that I’m saying all older drivers are shitty drivers…no, that must JUST be my dad.

Even if people ARE, in fact, still taking driving classes some 20+ years after I did, it appears that today’s instructors are leaving out some of the basics. Mainly, traffic courtesy and RIGHT OF WAY. It was always my understanding that yielding the right-of-way was not only, let’s say THE LAW, but it was also a common driver courtesy that you would extend to your fellow drivers. Let’s say you’re both on your Sunday afternoon drive to your house of worship with your 2.4 children in the back seat and you approach an intersection at the same time someone on your right approaches. What should you do? Well back in the day you would have wave your WHOLE hand at the person next to you, NOT just a single digit, and you would play, “you go ahead…no, you go ahead…” for about 3 minutes. Not anymore. Apparently there’s a sense of entitlement that every driver shares that is, “It’s my RIGHT, it’s my WAY.” Oh, and here’s your single digit wave.

I hate you all.

As I was riding in the passenger seat on the way home from Sonic the other night with my grandmother driving (a/k/a Jed), he approached a four-way stop sign at the same time another driver approached his left. The older gentleman to our left started playing the old familiar game I mentioned above, you know, the “you go ahead…no you go ahead…” with Granny Jed. Jed, of course (since he digs older dudes) plays back. I finally said, “FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST MARMIE! WOULD YOU FUCKING GO ALREADY.” Then I turned around and explained to the boys that these were a “daddy word” before resuming my “conversation” with Jed. He said that he was just being polite, and I told him that he was just being annoying. That it was, in fact, HIS TURN to go through the intersection because he had been on his future tricks RIGHT HAND SIDE. I said, “WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT ‘RIGHT-OF-WAY’?” And he said, as he always does when he hates that I’m right, “Oh!” Apparently this WASN’T something they taught in driver’s ed in Texas. And before all you asshats start leaving kudos and words of encouragement for Jed being all “saintly” and all for putting up with my shit, we both already know how lucky I am that he sticks with me, so just stick to the point.

So for those of you who don’t understand the simple principles of driving, I give you…driving lessons.

First, the basics:

• When you hear the sirens of an emergency vehicle, you pull over to the side of the fucking road. You don’t keep going, and you certainly don’t immediately switch lanes because the other lane miraculously cleared out for you. And you also are not an extension of that emergency vehicle. Therefore when it passes you, you don’t TAILGATE it trying to bypass all the lights yourself. If you do, you deserve to be INSIDE the ambulance, not behind it.
• When somebody does you a solid, ACKNOWLEDGE IT. Even the slightest of movements from your wrist to your fingertips (ALL OF YOUR FINGER TIPS) will be appreciated by there person who let you in to that last second spot so you could make your immediate turn.
• Rain DOES NOT equal ICE! If it starts sprinkling, it’s no cause for alarm, and no need to drop your speed to 20 miles below the speed limit, especially if the speed limit is only 30 to begin with.
• Stop signs and stop lights apply to you too.
• There is a huge difference between a Stop Sign and a Yield Sign. Not only do they LOOK different, they also mean different things. “Yield”, for example, means YIELD THE RIGHT-OF-WAY.
• SIGNAL YOUR INTENTIONS. If you want in my lane, please let me know by using that stick on your steering wheel that magically makes one of your taillights flash. Likewise, if you’re going to make a turn (suddenly or planned) use the same blinking mechanism.
• FIGURE OUT WHERE YOU NEED TO BE/GO BEFORE YOU START YOUR CAR.
• If turns make you nervous, take the fucking bus.
• If you see a hot shirtless man on the side of the road changing a tire, ALWAYS stop to offer assistance. Even if he’s not “that hot”, you should maybe stop anyway…he may be on his way to extend his gym membership.

Now please forgive my rudimentary diagrams. I’m not as proficient with “Paint” as I am with “Explorer”:



Now in Figure A we have 2 cars traveling towards each other and approaching a four-way stop. If both cars were going to continue in their same direction of travel (IE: Continue going gaily forward), they would both come to a complete stop, and then continue through the intersection. IF, however, car B was going to SIGNAL his intention of turning right; after coming to a complete stop, car B would wait until car A cleared his way through the intersection before proceeding with his turn. I know folks. It’s confusing. But you can do it, I PROMISE.



In figure B I’ve pictured a scenario that I mentioned above…flashback to Jed driving? Okay. Cars A & B approach the same four-way stop intersection at the same time. Car A is continuing forward, as is Car B. However, since Car B is on Car A’s immediate right, Car B gets to get about his day first. Then Car A can rush to happy hour. Doesn’t matter if Car A is trying to turn into Car B’s line of traffic or not, Car B STILL gets to go first. Don’t forget that friendly 5 fingered wave.

Figure C got eaten by my dog. Curses dog.

Figure D introduces the Yield Sign. Isn’t it pretty? It sort of reminds me of the pink triangle. This is what I see every day that I leave my house. On the end of my street there is a Yield Sign. The cross traffic does not stop. It doesn’t have to. It doesn’t have a stop sign. Nor does it have a stop light. People seem to have the mistaken impression that Yield means you don’t have to stop at all. It’s like a “free pass”. They approach the sign and the turn at 30 mph with no regard or care to the people in the cross traffic. Let me tell you. It’s a fun little intersection. A Yield Sign, if you must know, means slow down and proceed when the traffic is clear. It doesn’t mean barrel out in front of a car that is going 35 right towards your door. It also doesn’t mean you HAVE to come to a complete stop, but it’s okay if you do.



Figure E was hard for me to do. I intended the squiggly line to go back and forth several times, however I had no such luck. Not all areas of the country have this anyway. For those that do, know that it’s not a sobriety checkpoint. No. It’s a signal that you’re entering a School Zone. If you’re going 40, kindly drop your speed down to 20 and proceed with caution. Especially if you’re in MY neighborhood, because in a few years it’ll be my bratty children walking to school while Adrian is screaming at Nathan, “Would you cross the fucking street already?”

If you don’t drive, thank you. If you do drive, practice the rules. If you live by the rules, you rock harder than Amadeus.

The wheels on the bus STILL go round and round

So some almost four months have now gone by and the boys and I are still using public transportation. I can’t say that it’s been a horrible experience. The biggest positive I can share with you is that I have spent exactly $28 on gas since January 15th. Boo-yah! There haven’t been too many negatives. There has been the occasional child melt-down on the way home. But these events have been few and far between and are easily resolved with a pack of crackers and/or a movie on the Ipod. That said, I need a new Ipod, because Adrian has claimed mine as his own.

Other than that, things have gone relatively smoothly on the bus. We have the same bus driver every day and Adrian has started, recently, telling her as he gets off, “I love you.” She laughs and tells him she loves him too. I don’t really understand their relationship, but hey, it works. Periodically she will bring him little snack bags of M&M’s, which, now that I mention it, was a bit problematic in the beginning and I had to tell Adrian that it was rude to ask her every day if she brought him any. Perhaps this is why he tells her he loves her…a little passive aggressive ploy to ensure a daily supply of M&M’s? I dunno.

I DO have some pet-peeves regarding public transportation now that I didn’t have before, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to share some of these with you…

• If you happen to want to avoid conversation with others by wearing your headphones and listening to music, please make sure that the music is either turned down low enough that you can still enjoy it without having to subject the rest of us to your crappy tunes, or put a little more Miley Cirus on your player so we can enjoy it too.
• If you are over 40% of your ideal body weight and you decide to take the aisle seat that happens to have someone sitting by the window (or even if you’re your ideal body weight…or under your ideal body weight) and your bus stop is coming up, PLEASE just ask the person sitting by the “stop-cord” to pull it for you rather than stretching out your fat hairy unshowered arm in front of my, er, uh, the window seat’s occupant, face. Seriously. I won’t kill you if you ask me to pull the cord for you, but I may if I have to smell your B.O. one more time.
• Speaking of B.O., shower…regularly. Now I know those of you who know me well, or have been reading for any length of time, know that I don’t shower on the weekend(s). However, I don’t ride the bus on the weekend either.
• PLEASE DON’T TOUCH MY CHILD. EVER. I don’t cut your throat, you don’t touch my child. Deal? Don’t wiggle his foot. Don’t jab your index finger in his belly. Don’t rub his hair. DON’T TOUCH MY FUCKING CHILD. I don’t know where your hands have been, nor do I know when you last washed them. Also, IT’S JUST PLAIN CREEPY TOUCHING CHILDREN YOU DON’T KNOW. Please, don’t EVER, touch my child. Understand?
• I realize you may see me on the same bus at the same time on most every day of the week for about 30 minutes. I don’t really feel like this makes us “friends”. Don’t ask me the intimate details of my life. It’s none of your business whether my wife appreciates me picking up our children every day; if I get the best father’s day gifts because of my dedication to my children; if I’ve lost my driver’s license because of a DUI; if I’ve got plans for dinner. Here’s the deal. I don’t care about you, so you shouldn’t care about me.
• Are you fucking blind you dumb cunty shit sucking whore? Do you seriously have to use every “colorful” word in your vocabulary right in front of my children (who love to parrot EVERYTHING)??? Is that really necessary? Here’s some tips. Instead of saying, “Dat chicken was fucking delish”, why don’t you try, “that was some of the most tasty chicken I’ve ever had.” Instead of saying, “He pulled his fat cock out of my twat and shot his hot creamy load right into my eye,” why don’t you read the paragraph above this one. So, to sum it up, shut your fucking mouth in front of my children and I won’t cut your fucking illiterate throat? Mmmmkay?
• I love that you’re trying to save the environment by riding the bus, really I do. I love it even more that you split the trip up between your bicycle and the bus that I’m riding. These bus racks on the front of all Cap Metro buses are not rocket science, sweetie. Seriously. If you could maybe have your shit ready, BEFORE the bus pulls up (instead of waiting for it to pull up) IE: Have your helmet off; have your saddle bags off; have your bike locks off; etc.. My bus ride is 30 minutes and I don’t appreciate you adding another 10 to that by taking your sweet time. This is not YOUR bus, it’s ALL of ours.
• There are trash cans located at each and every bus stop. Could you please take your empty food wrappers, cups, used condoms, and anything else you brought onto the bus with you off the bus so my children don’t pick it up and say, “Daddy, can I have a snack?” How old are you anyway.
• If the bus is relatively full and people get on, move your leg off the seat next to you, and stop pretending to “sleep”. There’s plenty of space for everyone if you aren’t taking up three spots.
• I KNOW JESUS SAVES. I also know you’re not really deaf. So please keep your post cards, I’m not interested.

These are just a few things that will make EVERYONE’S ride much more enjoyable. Thank you for listening, and have a nice day.