Since we’ve had a very good week at home and school this week, I decided to treat the kid to a trip to my favorite neighborhood coffee shop this morning for some joe for me and some candy for him. Don’t judge me for given the kid candy for breakfast. In the car on the way to Genuine Joe’s, Adrian initiated a completely unsolicited conversation.
“Daddy. One day, when I get big, I going to go to Hook ‘em horns college.”
“Really”, I say, “that’s fantastic.”
“Yeah. And I going to not live in our house anymore. I going to live at college.”
“Oh Adrian. I hope not. That would make daddy very sad if you left me.”
“Daddy, don’t worry. Even if I go to school at Hook ‘em horns, I’m still going to be your baby.”
I swear to god I couldn’t turn to look at him at that moment. He completely reduced me to a sobbing fool with one simple sentence.
He then asked me, “Is that okay if I’m still your baby?”
Yes, Adrian. You’ll ALWAYS be my little boy.
I write this now so that I’ll be able to look back at it when he’s fifteen and has stolen my Jeep and goes all Thelma and Louise on me with the guy or girl he chooses to love at that moment. I want to remember then how sweet he is today. THESE conversations, y’all, are the ones that make being a parent worth every single second of losing your life completely.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Why stop with the Mormons?
I read an article on Towleroad this morning about a petition being circulated to strip the tax-exempt status from the Mormon Church for the role they played in the passage of Proposition 8 in California. If you’re inclined to check out the details, you may do so here. I’m all for “sticking it” to the people who had a hand in this, but folks, the Mormon’s didn’t do this to us alone. There were MANY other groups that helped them raise millions of dollars for the passage of Proposition 8. Why aren’t the folks who have set their sights on the Mormon church up in arms about the Knights of Columbus? They were the second largest contributor to “the cause”. They should have their tax-exempt status stripped as well. What about all the other churches that raised funds and put their names on the list of support? EVERY group that participated in this atrocity should be equally accountable. I guess, though, this is a start. Eh?
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Typhoid Fairy
Folks, we got an epidemic sweeping through our house. All four of us have been through various stages of ick for the last month and I’m getting sick of being sick. I’ve even gone a little militant, Rambo if you will, on the family. I’m now refusing to kiss anyone on my way out the door, and y’ain’t allowed in my bed unless you’ve showered, washed, wiped, brushed, and swallowed (not necessarily in that order!).
Fans of the Foul Monkeys may recall they started their “Diarrhea” skits about a month ago. That very day, as I sat in my office listening to Ricky laughing about “slidin’ into third…”, I sharted. There. I said it. I was sitting in my chair, at the office, and I shit my pants. For real. I ain’t proud. But I figure I’m not the first person that’s happened to either. (F)REDDY SHIT HIS PANTS AT WORK. There.
I sent an instant message to the ex-wife (and current co-worker) and told her what had happened and that I was going to run home if anyone was looking for me. Once more that evening I thought I was going to fart and I shat down my leg. I was terrified for the rest of the night of the slightest pressure on my gut.
The squirts lasted for a good two and a half days. While it was nice to have a little mindcation from the office, sitting on the toilet for 72 hours wasn’t what I had in mind. But I got some quality me time, even if it was limited to a 60 square foot bathroom space. As soon as I started feeling better below the waist, I started getting a throbbing pressure in my head. I’ve had a LIFETIME history of ear problems. I’ve had a tympanoplasty on my left ear, twice. (Basically, they cut behind your ear, pull your ear down to your nipple line, take a piece of pig skin and graft it to your eardrum to seal any holes, then they replace your ear.) I’ve had so many ear infections in my left ear that I don’t even feel the build of up pressure in that ear anymore. In fact, I can barely even hear out of that ear. So when it happens to my right ear, it’s a very big deal. I immediately called my ENT (cuz I don’t wanna be deaf just yet) and get into his office. He starts me on my usual regiment of cleaning with peroxide/water solution and ear drops. I have to do this four times a day for 7 days. About day number 4 the kids start asking me what the hell I’m doing and I explain to them that I’m putting medicine in my ears cuz they’re sick. To which Adrian replies, “Daddy, you teasing me. Medicine don’t go in your ears, it go in your belly.” About day number 6 Nate is walking around the house tugging on HIS ears saying, “OWWWIE”. His daycare ladies start telling me that he’s been “telling” them for a few days that his ears hurt.
Now, my understanding was that ear infections ain’t contagious. It’s not like herpes or anything. BUT I take ear infections very seriously because of my history. So Jed takes the kid to the doctor and the doctor looks in his ears and says that everything in there in normal, healthy, pink, and the way it’s supposed to be. The little bastard was just mocking me…and I’ll deal with him later.
The NEXT day Jed and I BOTH get the squirts/nausea. Let me tell you. When you have the upward pressure of stuff coming up from your stomach the LAST THING you want when you’re on your knees in the bathroom is a downward pressure from the opposite direction. Those were the worst two days of my life. (Not to mention, Foul Monkeys CONTINUED to laugh about diarrhea on their show!)
As soon as that was over ADRIAN starts the coughing and the night-sweats. WTF? So for the last two days I’ve been listening to him cough through his sleeping. The weird thing about it is when he wants to go outside and I tell him he can’t cuz he’s sick he says, “Daddy, I ain’t sick” and the coughing stops! But then he wants “medicine” (cuz he loves the taste of it)…but he has no appetite…but he wants candy cuz “it make me feel better”. I can’t tell if he’s playing with me or if he’s really sick. So yesterday NATHAN starts coughing. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I picked him up from daycare this morning and ran him to the doctor’s office. I told them the daycare had reported that he was “listless” yesterday and coughed all day and that he coughed through the night as well. I also mentioned that he felt “warm” to me, but that I didn’t have a thermometer (had to throw it away after the diarrhea incident) to know for sure if he had a temperature. The very first thing they do is take his temperature. Nothing. Nadda. He’s a vampire. Not only does he not have a fever, he doesn’t have a temperature. Next they have me get him undressed so the doctor can look at him. THE VERY SECOND I take his clothes off and set him up on the table the kid bursts into song, starts laughing, playing, having a great time…and there isn’t a single fucking “cough”. The doctor comes in and I explain to him why we’re there, again, after just seeing him FIVE DAYS AGO. He starts looking him over. Puts the stethoscope on his tits and asks him to cough. Nothing. No coughing. Clear chest. Nadda. Doc says he can’t find anything wrong with him and asks me if I’m “crazy”. Well, duh. So I start getting Nate dressed and as the doctor is walking out of the room and shutting the door…”cough, cough, cough”. THANK DOG the doc hadn’t shut the door yet and actually heard it. He came back in and asked me to take Nate’s shirt off again. He gets his stethoscope out again and listens to his chest again and…NOTHING. I get Nate dressed one more time and the doc doesn’t understand what’s going on. Nate lets out a couple more coughs and the doc just writes me a script for some antibiotics. He says, “I don’t know if he needs this or not, but I sure as hell don’t want to see y’all here again in five days!”
We’re house full of sickos. I don’t know if it’s the weather change(s), the on-ing and off-ing of the A/C and heaters, or what. But I’m tired of oozing from every orifice. What’s more, I’M TIRED OF CLEANING UP OOZING ORIFY!
Hope y’all are feeling well. Drink lots of juice.
Fans of the Foul Monkeys may recall they started their “Diarrhea” skits about a month ago. That very day, as I sat in my office listening to Ricky laughing about “slidin’ into third…”, I sharted. There. I said it. I was sitting in my chair, at the office, and I shit my pants. For real. I ain’t proud. But I figure I’m not the first person that’s happened to either. (F)REDDY SHIT HIS PANTS AT WORK. There.
I sent an instant message to the ex-wife (and current co-worker) and told her what had happened and that I was going to run home if anyone was looking for me. Once more that evening I thought I was going to fart and I shat down my leg. I was terrified for the rest of the night of the slightest pressure on my gut.
The squirts lasted for a good two and a half days. While it was nice to have a little mindcation from the office, sitting on the toilet for 72 hours wasn’t what I had in mind. But I got some quality me time, even if it was limited to a 60 square foot bathroom space. As soon as I started feeling better below the waist, I started getting a throbbing pressure in my head. I’ve had a LIFETIME history of ear problems. I’ve had a tympanoplasty on my left ear, twice. (Basically, they cut behind your ear, pull your ear down to your nipple line, take a piece of pig skin and graft it to your eardrum to seal any holes, then they replace your ear.) I’ve had so many ear infections in my left ear that I don’t even feel the build of up pressure in that ear anymore. In fact, I can barely even hear out of that ear. So when it happens to my right ear, it’s a very big deal. I immediately called my ENT (cuz I don’t wanna be deaf just yet) and get into his office. He starts me on my usual regiment of cleaning with peroxide/water solution and ear drops. I have to do this four times a day for 7 days. About day number 4 the kids start asking me what the hell I’m doing and I explain to them that I’m putting medicine in my ears cuz they’re sick. To which Adrian replies, “Daddy, you teasing me. Medicine don’t go in your ears, it go in your belly.” About day number 6 Nate is walking around the house tugging on HIS ears saying, “OWWWIE”. His daycare ladies start telling me that he’s been “telling” them for a few days that his ears hurt.
Now, my understanding was that ear infections ain’t contagious. It’s not like herpes or anything. BUT I take ear infections very seriously because of my history. So Jed takes the kid to the doctor and the doctor looks in his ears and says that everything in there in normal, healthy, pink, and the way it’s supposed to be. The little bastard was just mocking me…and I’ll deal with him later.
The NEXT day Jed and I BOTH get the squirts/nausea. Let me tell you. When you have the upward pressure of stuff coming up from your stomach the LAST THING you want when you’re on your knees in the bathroom is a downward pressure from the opposite direction. Those were the worst two days of my life. (Not to mention, Foul Monkeys CONTINUED to laugh about diarrhea on their show!)
As soon as that was over ADRIAN starts the coughing and the night-sweats. WTF? So for the last two days I’ve been listening to him cough through his sleeping. The weird thing about it is when he wants to go outside and I tell him he can’t cuz he’s sick he says, “Daddy, I ain’t sick” and the coughing stops! But then he wants “medicine” (cuz he loves the taste of it)…but he has no appetite…but he wants candy cuz “it make me feel better”. I can’t tell if he’s playing with me or if he’s really sick. So yesterday NATHAN starts coughing. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I picked him up from daycare this morning and ran him to the doctor’s office. I told them the daycare had reported that he was “listless” yesterday and coughed all day and that he coughed through the night as well. I also mentioned that he felt “warm” to me, but that I didn’t have a thermometer (had to throw it away after the diarrhea incident) to know for sure if he had a temperature. The very first thing they do is take his temperature. Nothing. Nadda. He’s a vampire. Not only does he not have a fever, he doesn’t have a temperature. Next they have me get him undressed so the doctor can look at him. THE VERY SECOND I take his clothes off and set him up on the table the kid bursts into song, starts laughing, playing, having a great time…and there isn’t a single fucking “cough”. The doctor comes in and I explain to him why we’re there, again, after just seeing him FIVE DAYS AGO. He starts looking him over. Puts the stethoscope on his tits and asks him to cough. Nothing. No coughing. Clear chest. Nadda. Doc says he can’t find anything wrong with him and asks me if I’m “crazy”. Well, duh. So I start getting Nate dressed and as the doctor is walking out of the room and shutting the door…”cough, cough, cough”. THANK DOG the doc hadn’t shut the door yet and actually heard it. He came back in and asked me to take Nate’s shirt off again. He gets his stethoscope out again and listens to his chest again and…NOTHING. I get Nate dressed one more time and the doc doesn’t understand what’s going on. Nate lets out a couple more coughs and the doc just writes me a script for some antibiotics. He says, “I don’t know if he needs this or not, but I sure as hell don’t want to see y’all here again in five days!”
We’re house full of sickos. I don’t know if it’s the weather change(s), the on-ing and off-ing of the A/C and heaters, or what. But I’m tired of oozing from every orifice. What’s more, I’M TIRED OF CLEANING UP OOZING ORIFY!
Hope y’all are feeling well. Drink lots of juice.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Debbie Downer
I feel like something is wrong with me this morning. Why am I not as elated as the rest of my Twitter friends/MySpace friends/Podcasting Community friends/IRL friends? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not disappointed that Barrack Obama won the election last night. I’m thrilled. But everyone is saying “YES WE DID”…when, in fact, we didn’t. All we did yesterday was elect a great man to the highest office in the land. But everyone, ESPECIALLY you queer ones, seem to have lost sight of the bigger picture.
As of this morning there are now TWENTY NINE states with constitutional amendments “defining marriage”. And most likely, by the end of the day there will be thirty. What’s more, in Arkansas, the people have spoken and have said that straight people make better parents than gay parents. Do you think that’s something to celebrate?
Perhaps in another 221 years there will be another momentous occasion worth celebrating. But for now, all of us faggots are still second class citizens. And nothing more.
As of this morning there are now TWENTY NINE states with constitutional amendments “defining marriage”. And most likely, by the end of the day there will be thirty. What’s more, in Arkansas, the people have spoken and have said that straight people make better parents than gay parents. Do you think that’s something to celebrate?
Perhaps in another 221 years there will be another momentous occasion worth celebrating. But for now, all of us faggots are still second class citizens. And nothing more.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Once you go Barack, you'll never go back!
Look. My folks are republicans. It’s my shameful truth. Do I hate them for it? Nah. Not really. They do if for the “fiscal conservatism” part of it, not the social conservatism. The fact that Republicans have spewed so much vitriolic hate towards gays and their families actually repulses my parents. We’ve had many conversations about “their role” in the hate by voting for the people who support that hate, but it just isn’t worth the arguments. Mom said to me, during the last Texas election wherein they tried to ban same-sex parent adoptions, “Why can’t those fuckers just stay out of everyone’s business”. Clueless to the fact that, had she lived in Texas, she would have put those fuckers in office with her vote.
Nonetheless, I love to rib my parents about their politics every chance I get. I sent mammy an email this morning. The “re:” line was (the title of this blog) “Once you go Barack, you’ll never go back”. It’s my private dig with my folks.
I called my mom this weekend and left her a voicemail. When she called me back I said, “Seriously Babs, you need to change your voicemail message.” She asked why. I said, “It sounds like your puppy just died. ‘Hellllloooooo. This is Babs. (Sigh) I can’t get to yer call right now, cuz pappy’s in the back 40 diggin’ a hole for Spot. (Sigh) If you leave me a message (sniff, sigh) I’ll call you back when muh therapy is over.” I was like, JESUS. Who wants to leave a message for Debbie Downer?
She called me back a few minutes later, all atwitter. She asked me to call her back and listen to her new message. It said, “Hiya. Do ya mind if I call you Joe-six pack? I can’t answer yer call right now, doncha know. Leave me a message and I’ll call ya back when I’m done shootin’ animals from my helicopter.” It was very cute. My message was, “Even though your referenced that dumb cunt in your voicemail, (F)reddy still approves the message.”
I’m glad I have folks that I can talk to (like a sailor) about things that matter and that even though our opinions/politics differ (on SO many levels) we can still get along.
Have a great election day folks. Get out there and vote, regardless of your politics. Do something that matters.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
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