Saturday, October 29, 2011

Last night was awful

I don't know if I've told you, but I've not been feeling well this week, since Tuesday. Tummy issues. I know I told you yesterday about my super amazing deuce in the morning. I was hoping that was the end of it.

So after having dinner with Heather last night and being served by a hot dwarf (seriously, Adrian was taller than him), we got back home and my stomach started hurting again. Then my head started throbbing, then I started getting dizzy. I told everyone goodnight (at 830) and went to bed.

I'm not sure when it all started, but at some point Jed came to bed. When he opened the door, Jack bounced like a jackalope right onto my stomach and the on my head. I sent him airborne, but he bounced right back and did it again. He started licking all over me (Jack, not Jed), and I sent him airborne again. He came back and laid down and was as still as a fucking chihuahua can be for more than 45 seconds at a time.

Soon after, I sharted. At first I thought I was safe, but it was like a thick lava flow. It started sliding very slowly, but once it rounded my ass cheek it picked up momentum and I could feel it really feel it starting to move. I got up and ran to the bathroom and let out a horrendous tsunami of liquishit that took almost an entire roll of paper to clean up. I went back to bed thinking I was in the clear, but the second I laid down I felt the cold wetness in my drawers. Apparently that lava flow was faster than I thought. I took off my shit stained undies and tossed them to the floor. Too tired to do anything else, I fell back asleep for a whopping hour...before I sharted AGAIN.

The second time I hopped up immediately and ran to the bathroom to take care of business. I finished off the roll of paper and went back to bed. Keeping in mind I had already chucked my undies to the floor, I laid back down and was just getting ready to fall back asleep when Jack started licking my ass. I threw him to the floor again, thoroughly disgusted.

For the rest of the night there were two more gassy explosions, but I wasn't taking any more chances. Each time I felt the need to fart I got up and went to the bathroom. Honestly, I don't know how there is anything left in me. I have shat twice my body weight in the last 22 hours and still don't feel any better.

Of course, I'm still proud of the fact that I look and feel as bad as I do and I still managed to get hit on by a little person.