Friday, July 27, 2012

Juicetastic (Day 2)

So the first full day of juicing is under my belt.  It wasn’t horrible.  It wasn’t fantastic.  It was, eh.  If I’m being 100% honest, I was super grouchy when I got home.  I don’t know what that was about, but things that shouldn’t have bothered me bothered me WAY more than they should.  Issues that have come up since Wednesday:

·         I could not stop peeing yesterday.  Seriously, I peed at least 100 times.  I peed 9 times in 15 minutes before leaving work.  Then I peed three times on the way home from work.  (Note to self, retire white ceramic mug in back of Jeep.)

·         Time management is going to be an issue.  I had to make the juices for today in two batches.  I started last night, while I was grumpy, and only managed to get two of the juices needed for today made before we had guests over for Project Runway and Game of Thrones.  So I had to clean everything up and wake up early today to make the rest.  The prep work takes the longest…washing everything.  Once that’s all done, it’s a breeze.  Adding to the time management is washing all of the jars (18/day) is a huge time suck.  I’m spending 2.5 hours on my feet in front of the sink washing dishes and fruit. 

·         This plan is hella expensive.  For the two (three, cuz I’m making it for my co-worker, CO, too) of us, it’s about $30/day for all the fruits and veggies I need every day.  And, I’m going through some items at an alarming rate.  For example, I went through 12 apples last night for today’s juices. 

·         I already miss the social aspect of eating.  I LOVE sitting with my kids and eating dinner every night.  Talking about their day and yelling at them to eat their food.  Last night I made them bacon cheeseburgers for dinner.  The food smelled so good.  But as soon as everything was made I put it on the table for them and then had to go lay down because I couldn’t stand the thought of sitting there and smelling sweet, delicious, bacon and lightly charred beef.  The Aussie didn’t address this issue in his movie.  He sort of touched on it, but…
Despite all this, I lost 5.7 pounds from Wednesday.  So I can’t complain.  I’m sure I’ll be able to work out these issues.  Some of the juices I’ve made have been spectacular. 

Watermelon, Pineapple, Ginger Juice – The Bomb.
Apple, Carrot, Ginger Juice – The Bomb.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

The Juice is Loose (Day 1)

The prep work this week has included saying good-bye to my favorite things.  Not so much “good-bye”, as “see ya later, yo!”  I’ve also been easing (nay, pushing full steam ahead) on changing some eating habits.  For example.  Over the weekend Yesterday, at lunch, I gave up my beloved Lone Star (will be looking for a tattoo removal place soon).  I also, horror of horrors, gave up coffee had my last cup of coffee yesterday afternoon.  In a weird way, giving up coffee was a breeze.  I didn’t have a choice, really.  I forgot to take coffee with us when we went camping, so I didn’t have any the whole weekend.  Monday morning I just figured since I had already started I may as well carry on.  I got a headache in the afternoon, but nothing a little BC Powder couldn’t help.  Tuesday I was draggin’ ass all day, but the headaches stayed away.  Wednesday LATE AFTERNOON, I just decided to have one cup just for the hell of it. 

I’ve also eating a lot of fruit and veg this week and replacing some meals with straight juice.  I had fruit for Monday morning breakfast, juice for lunch, and dinner for dinner.  Tuesday I flipped it and juice for breakfast and juice for lunch and dinner for dinner.  Wednesday I’m having gruel for breakfast, lunch for lunch, and dinner for dinner.  Tomorrow, I *think* I’ll be prepared to go all juice all the time. 
Speaking of dinner, I’ve been saying ciao to things I know I’m going to miss.  Cheeseburger Sunday, Pho Monday, Enchiladas on Tuesday.  Oh, how I’ll miss thee tortillas and popcorn. 

I did the official weigh in last night and was pleased to see the tiny changes I’ve made in the last week had already started paying off.  Last week I was 241, last night I was 237.75.  YAAAAY juice.  Today the official program has started.  I’ve identified a couple of problems, in addition to the fridge space, that I hadn’t thought about.  I’ll see if I can work through them.  Mainly, doing the prep work for three of us.  I spent about 45 minutes last night making juices and did manage to make a bunch…but it wasn’t enough to get THREE people through the entire first day.  It was enough to get the three of us through the WORK day, but I’ll have to make more tonight for dinner.  I worry about my lovely CO though, cuz I don’t think she has her own juicer. 
For a little entertainment, I’ve thrown in a video of the official weigh in.  It took much longer than expected because I hit the wrong button, but at least you get to see me in my skimpy drawers for a minute and 42 seconds...if that's your thang.  I look a little bit like Kung Fu Panda, eh?


Monday, July 23, 2012

Mmmm, mmmm, good (Day -8 through Day -3)

Holy shit buckets!  What a difference fresh juice makes from that pre-bottled shit at the supermarket, yo!  Suri hadn’t even had the blood washed off her and had her umbilical cord untied before I ran to the supermarket to pick up some fixin’s for a “blood builder” juice that Nn turned me on to.  It was the bomb-digity-bomb bomb. 

I’ve discovered a logistical complication to this upcoming juice diet.  I don’t think I have the fridge space necessary to accommodate all of the fruits and vegetable I’m going to need to buy.  Jed will have to move out so I can put another fridge in his comic book closet.  It’s a lot of mass, for sure.  I also feel like this means I’m going to have to go to the grocery store EVERY day to keep my produce fresh.  If anyone has any thoughts on that, do let me know. 
The recipe I made quickly filled up my output jug.  I had to emergently find a pitcher to empty and continue.  The recipe below made 5 – 12oz. glasses of juice. 

Blood Builder (Iron-Enriched) Juice
2 bunches of grapes. 
2 granny smith apples
6 oranges
4 lemons

I’ve been making several other blends over the last few days.  Some good, some not so good.  None have been terrible.  We watched the movie again with our friend, Heather.  I made her some yummy juice to enjoy while she watched it.  The movie had her “hooked until they mentioned ‘exercise’”! 

Do Bears on a Juice Diet Shit in the Woods?

A couple of side items to take care of.  We had recently been talking about relocating the family to Galveston.  We had both been interviewing down there, and one of us were offered a job down there.  And while it was a great job, and would have been a good move for the family, we decided to pass on the opportunity and stay In Austin for the time being. 

One of the things we talked about in the decision making process is the lack of things in Central Texas that we completely neglect to participate in anymore, such as camping, hiking, swimming, etc.  We agreed we were going to start doing more of those things, again…like we used to.  So this weekend, at the urging of Nn, we decided to take an impromptu camping trip.  It was something that I wanted to do soon, but also something that I didn’t want to do while I was drinking meals.  I didn’t want to be forced to answer the age old question about bears in the woods. 

The biggest benefit to camping in the woods this past weekend was the sudden cessation of coffee!  I woke up this morning in a slight cloud, but the headaches are gone and I’m ready to move forward. 

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Preparation (Day -9)

The plans are in place, the supplies have been ordered.  My new juicer has arrived.  I’ve decided to name her Suri.  I’m certain she’ll be a Scientologist.  Speaking of juicer, I’d rather not refer to this as “juicing”, because that just sounds diiirty. 

I’ve gotten my support network on tap.  I’ve even managed to get a few folks willing to try this with me with varying levels of commitment.  For example, Fat Walt’s husbear, Diminutive Ken, has committed to a minimum of three hours.  Jed has committed to 7 – 10 days.  My co-workers Nn and CO have also committed.  I’m a little concerned about Nn and CO doing this with me, because we only have one bathroom at the office and I’m worried it’s going to be occupied a LOT.
Additional preparations include starting little things now so the entire experience isn’t so overwhelming when it begins.  For example, last night the family of fattys went on a walk together.  Granted, it was less than a mile (0.91 miles), but that was all the chihuerrier and children with attention spans of a gnat could manage before beating my last nerve.  Still, it burned 206 calories, which is more than I burned watching the second half of the Real Housewives of Orange County Reunion show.  Baby steps, baby.  Baby steps.

I also finished off the 12-pack of Lone Star in the fridge.  I didn’t want it taunting me when I started this thing.  Tonight I’ll start throwing stuff in the fridge away to make room for all the juices and fruits and veggies.  Tomorrow, I plan to cut my coffee intake by half for two days, then in half again for two days, and then eliminate it completely.  I don’t want to have to give up my beloved Lone Star, coffee, and FOOD all on the same day.  That rage wouldn’t be good for ANYone. 
Last night also marked the return to the Wii Fit.  Not for exercise, mind you.  The batteries in our scale were dead, so we had to get on the balance board to weigh ourselves.  It was, in a word, SHOCKING. 

Tonight and through Saturday I will be doing some tester juice recipes.  Sunday I will be making carne guisada…because I’m already struggling with saying good-bye to delicious tortillas.   

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Fat, white, sick, and ready to die (Day -10)

Last night we watched a documentary by some fat white dude in Australia who had enough of being my size and decided to do something about it.  By the end of the movie he was hot, so he inspired me to try it to. 

The name of the documentary was Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead.  It chronicled the man’s one year journey to rid himself of a chronic illness and scores of medication by changing his diet from one of macronutrients (highly processed foods) to micronutrients (food that starts in one form or another in dirt).  He started by initiating a 60-day juice only diet, but not like Cranapple Raisin juice by Snapple…no, he bought all kinds of fruits and vegetables and shit and made his own juice.  No preservatives, yo.  Just all natural juice. 

After 30 days on the diet, he lost something like 47 pounds.  He didn’t specify in the documentary whether or not he was getting any physical exercise during this period, though I suspect he did.  After 30-days of “juicing” in New York City, he took his dog and pony show on the road across America to talk about the benefits of having to constantly running to the bathroom after drinking 12 pounds of fresh vegetables for another 30 days.   Along the way, he met another fat ass that he convinced to try the diet too.  I forget the total numbers, but fatty 1 lost half his body weight and fatty 2 lost 227 pounds.  He, basically, lost me.

The documentary, as much as I’m making light of it, was truly inspiring.  I related to many aspects of it.  In many ways it was true, I don’t REALLY need two cheeseburgers for $5 just because it’s cheaper that way.  But that’s how my brain is wired.  Convenience and cost.  I hate huffing and puffing from the car to the front door.  I hate that I have busted two Ikea platform beds while having, umm, relations.  I hate that I’m getting these fucking old man skin tags in the folds of my neck flesh.  I hate that I can’t see my balls unless I’m looking in a mirror.  So I’m going to try this dudes method and see what happens. 

So today marks day -10 of a 70 day journey.  I plan to chronicle as much of this shit as possible so my faithful followers (both of you) can see some live-time results.  I’ll post narrative details of the juices we’re trying and my “feelings”, photo details, and video updates on a regular basis over the next 70-days in an effort to keep myself honest, on track, and humble. 

This morning I bought the juicer we’ll be using along the way.  It just so happens to be the same brand the fella from the land down under used for his experiment.  I didn’t buy it so I could be hot like him, but it had the highest rating on Amazon.  Plus, it’s shiny and cute.  I’ve printed a shit ton of juice recipes so I won’t get bored on the same old juices.  I’m going to come up with some “light” exercise routines for me, the other whale, and the kids to aid in our weight loss.  I need to do some research into some better toilet paper, cuz I hear one of the side-effects of this “reboot” is you shit yourself like a 3 month old, constantly, quickly, and liquidy. 

Feel free to offer your thoughts, snide comments, jokes about vegetarians with diarrhea being called “salad shooters”, and more.  I look forward to sharing this with you. 

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Last night was awful

I don't know if I've told you, but I've not been feeling well this week, since Tuesday. Tummy issues. I know I told you yesterday about my super amazing deuce in the morning. I was hoping that was the end of it.

So after having dinner with Heather last night and being served by a hot dwarf (seriously, Adrian was taller than him), we got back home and my stomach started hurting again. Then my head started throbbing, then I started getting dizzy. I told everyone goodnight (at 830) and went to bed.

I'm not sure when it all started, but at some point Jed came to bed. When he opened the door, Jack bounced like a jackalope right onto my stomach and the on my head. I sent him airborne, but he bounced right back and did it again. He started licking all over me (Jack, not Jed), and I sent him airborne again. He came back and laid down and was as still as a fucking chihuahua can be for more than 45 seconds at a time.

Soon after, I sharted. At first I thought I was safe, but it was like a thick lava flow. It started sliding very slowly, but once it rounded my ass cheek it picked up momentum and I could feel it really feel it starting to move. I got up and ran to the bathroom and let out a horrendous tsunami of liquishit that took almost an entire roll of paper to clean up. I went back to bed thinking I was in the clear, but the second I laid down I felt the cold wetness in my drawers. Apparently that lava flow was faster than I thought. I took off my shit stained undies and tossed them to the floor. Too tired to do anything else, I fell back asleep for a whopping hour...before I sharted AGAIN.

The second time I hopped up immediately and ran to the bathroom to take care of business. I finished off the roll of paper and went back to bed. Keeping in mind I had already chucked my undies to the floor, I laid back down and was just getting ready to fall back asleep when Jack started licking my ass. I threw him to the floor again, thoroughly disgusted.

For the rest of the night there were two more gassy explosions, but I wasn't taking any more chances. Each time I felt the need to fart I got up and went to the bathroom. Honestly, I don't know how there is anything left in me. I have shat twice my body weight in the last 22 hours and still don't feel any better.

Of course, I'm still proud of the fact that I look and feel as bad as I do and I still managed to get hit on by a little person.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

We are family

Tonight I had the great pleasure of reuniting with the most influential people in my young adult life.

Back in 1990, when I moved here to the Austin, Texas, I got job working as a nurse for a little operation called NurseFinders. During my orientation I met a woman named Karen who thought I looked amazing in my Daisey Dukes and tank-top. She, admittedly, had a gigantic crush on me...until she heard me speak. We became fast and quick friends. Soon, we both started working for a hospital here in town, St. David's Medical Center, on the spinal cord injury/head injury rehab unit.

Here on the unit I met the people who I would consider my family for close to 9 years.

There was Big Daddy David, who functioned as, not only the charge nurse, but everybody's big daddy. He was the brain of the unit. He advised us all professionally and personally at some point during our time spent there. He really was my dad-away-from-dad. One of my first exposures to David was on Halloween, when he and Anne (Anna-banana) dressed up as Wayne & Garth from Wayne's World.

Anne was another one of the nurses in charge on the unit. She was smart, no nonsense (unless she was dressed as Garth), and one of the most serious go-getter nurses I ever met. If I ever had a question about anything related to nursing, she was glad to help out. She also taught me how to balance my checkbook (as she pointed out tonight!). Apparently she didn't like my method of journaling my checks written in whole dollar amounts regardless of the actual amount written!

I mentioned Karen above. She was like a hybrid cross between my mother and my older sister. She's typical Austin...laid back, cool, carefree, bra-free. She and I made each other laugh (and cry) like no other people I knew.

Jan came around a couple of years after I had started. She started when Anne went on one of her 15 or 17 maternity leaves (I swear, Anne was ALWAYS having babies). She quickly became part of our family and became my mother-away-from-mom. I can't begin to tell you how amazing of a woman Jan was back then. She battled non-hodkins lymphoma while working full time and never once lost her smile or her cool. I always wanted her and her husband, Jeff, to adopt me so I could be part of their family forever.

David Abel was our unit clerk and my older gay sister. We had a love-hate-love relationship and the two of us often brought lots of drama (and laughter) to the unit.

Leah started many years after I had been there. When she originally started, she worked the evening shifts. It wasn't long before she transferred to the day shift and wedged her way in to our family and hearts. She quickly became my older, much prettier sister. (A few years after I left the hospital I talked her into joining me at the law firm I worked for. She came...for three days...before she decided she just wasn't cut-throat enough for the legal field!)

Yoli was a contract nurse that worked with us almost every single day. I have no idea why, as often as she worked, she never joined us full time. She was my heart, my soul, and my travel companion. She made me laugh with everything she said (and I did the same for her). And while she truly enjoyed my craziness, she, more than anyone, encouraged me to cool my shit and become a more "normal" person. She never once let me get away with an injustice and would make me apologize to people that she knew I owed an apology to. My most favorite memory of Yoli is the week we spent together in Galveston in a house on the beach.

Colleen was the unit's therapist. I knew her during my time at SDMC, but we've become closer since I've left. In fact, she's even babysat the boys for us!

I loved these people for all of my 20's. All of them, really, molded me into the person I am today. I owe each of them a debt of gratitude. I left the hospital in the late 90's. While I'm positive I wasn't the catalyst for change, almost all of them left to pursue other opportunities soon after I did.

Colleen ran into Anne at the grocery store a few weeks ago and said, "We should all get together." She called Karen, who ran to town with it and made it all happen. It was so amazing to see all these people tonight. It was almost like it was just yesterday. I love you, my SDMC family.