Waiting for milk, man

It’s a strange thing I do for the many people I love.  Earlier in the week, my hot Cousin Larry sent me a tweet telling me he’d love me for ever if I’d take the fam to the Dairy Queen that Parker Posey worked at in “Waiting for Guffman” and take pictures of us eating a blizzard.

I suppose it’s a logical assumption that as a Texas I should be a huge fan of Dairy Queen?  I mean, after all, the Dairy Queen sign pictured above is “the official stop sign of Texas”.  But, like being a bad gay, I’m also a horrible Texan.  For example, I don’t support “Death Penalty Thursdays”, and as of today I’ve only eaten at Dairy Queen twice in my life. 

It’s not that I don’t like Dairy Queen.  I suppose it’s tasty enough.  But their menu is harder to figure out than your federal income taxes and there are MUCH better places to get “ice cream” than Dairly Queen.  And yes, “ice cream” fully deserves to be in quotes there.  Cuz I don’t know what that shit they serve is, but it surely ain’t ice cream.  Apparently it comes in a colostomy bag that is pre-mixed and frozen on the spot???  That ain’t ice cream folks.  I’ve made ice cream, and I know that ain’t how it’s done.  So how do I know so much about the DQ having only been twice in my life???

As I was ordering our lunch-by-number from the apathetic angry person behind the counter, I started, as I always do, with the kids. 

“I’ll take a number 8 (three tacos) with a milk”.

“We don’t have milk”.

I laughed, because surely this cow behind the counter was yanking my chain.  “You don’t have milk”?

“No.  I di’uhnt stutter.  We ain’t got milk”.

I asked, “Well how do you make MILKSHAKES”? 

She said, “Like everyone else.  I lift the lever up”.

Whore.

So, I’m guessing the milkshakes you get at Dairy Queen aren’t, uh, authentic? 

Since I had “ordered a combo” she pulled down a 3 liter Styrofoam cup for me to get the kid some soda from the teeth rotter.  I told her it wasn’t necessary, that if THEY DIDN’T HAVE MILK, the kids WOULDN’T BE DRINKING ANYTHING…and CERTAINLY NOT 3-liters of soda…each.

So I ordered the second meal, the #6 (“The Dude”) with a diet soda for Jed.  I think Jed was hoping I’d actually say, “Give me the dude” instead of “I’ll take a #6”.  Sorry to disappoint again.  Then I went on to get Nate’s.  I said, “I’ll take the number 9 (chicken strips)" and as I gave a long pregnant pause to order something for myself, I noticed Ms. Mensa 2008 pull another 3-liter soda cup down.

Now, I sort of see the confusion.  I had just ordered Jed’s meal WITH a soda, but I didn’t ask for one for the chicken strips.  I went on to add to my order, “and a number 2” (the “belt buster”) with a coke.  When she pulled down another cup I said, “I only need two cups.  I asked for a coke and a diet coke”.  And  she said, “But you keep ordering by number and the combos come with a soda”.  Uhhhh, NO MENSA, THEY DON’T.  Perhaps it would benefit you if you looked at your own menu once in your career at the Queen.  ALL of the combos CLEARLY have the option of the meal by it’s self AND, priced separately, the same combos “WITH A SODA”.

In an effort to not have Mensa wipe my bun on her crack for pissing her off, I just dropped it and told her I was done with my order.  Four meals, two sodas, and a smile.  BUT, having gotten my lunch.  I have a question.  If you’re going to label a DOUBLE PATTY BURGER a “belt buster” WHY NOT GO AHEAD AND THROW A SLICE OR THREE OF CHEESE ON IT?  For real?  Can it really be THAT difficult to … never mind.

So, for the pics…

And JUST for my hot Cousin Larry…

Can I go ahead and make this one of my official restaurant reviews???

5 stars for eating where Parker Posey filmed, 1 star for the rest.  For reals.

 

P.S. For any of you regulars who are in touch with DQ Rick (the Dairy Fairy), make sure he sees this.  He’s got some splaining to do!  :-)

Blue Bonnet Cafe

We decided to put another check mark in our Texas Landmark Cafes book this weekend. Saturday evening for dinner we headed out about an hour and fifteen minutes southwest of Austin to a little place called Marble Falls to eat at The Bluebonnet Café.



The Bluebonnet has been in business since the 1930's and they offer up some really tasty southern home-cooking treats. And the pies! DID I MENTION THE PIES???



Jed and I really MUST drop the "you can't order that, I'M ordering that" crazy rule we have. Cuz what I REALLY wanted was the chicken fried steak! But that's what Jed wanted. I ASS U MED that since he ordered the 8 oz. (over the 4 oz.!) chicken fried steak that he intended to share. But, once again, I just made an ass out of myself!



Instead, I settled on Mom's Famous Pot Roast with buttered carrots, mashed potatoes, and fried okra.



Now, OBVIOUSLY I didn't hate my dinner:



However, I did have some things I didn't like. FOR STARTERS, when our waitress brought out our dinner, she brought mine and Jed's. Apparently the boys cheeseburger they were going to split wasn't ready yet. And it wasn't ready for a good ten minutes after she brought our food. Listen, when there are toddlers at the table, it's a good idea to maybe bring their food FIRST! Secondly, as good as everything else was, I was really shocked at how shitty their dinner rolls were. For reals, I've had better dinner rolls out of a can. BUT, fortunately, all the rest of the food made up for the shitty dinner rolls. Even Nate forgave the waitress by REALLY getting into his burger!



He's such a well-mannered kid…sometimes!



Bluebonnet Café, my love, I give you:

4-stars.

See no evil, hear no evil, TASTE NO EVIL

I’m developing a fondness for “restaurants” that aren’t traditional brick n’ mortar type places. Some of my most favorite places to eat lately have had axels and tires, and I’m actually okay with it, cuz the food is turning out to be pretty damn tasty. I think I may have written a post about Flip Happy Crepes last summer, but I couldn’t find it to link to this post. Perhaps I didn’t have my camera or phone with me when we went and it just wasn’t a photoblog? I KNOW I recently turned y’all on to Hat Creek Burgers. I used to love Torchy’s Tacos, but one of the dangers of loving a restaurant on wheels is they tend to move. Fuck you Torchy’s for hooking me on your crack filled breakfast tacos and then moving away from my office.

This morning I had to run down south to finish part 2 of what’s turning out to be a 3 part root canal. “My (F)reddy…what big teeth you have…”. On my way back to the office I was going to run into Maria’s Taco Express (as featured on the HIT television show DINERS, DRIVE-INS, and DIVES!!!) which, coincidentally, BEGAN as a restaurant on wheels. As I pulled into the parking lot I noticed a little painted up trolley car. My very first thought was it was homage to the original Maria’s (cuz (F)reddy never went there before today…despite being very popular!)…but then I noticed it was all lit up. And a very cute little woman leaned her head out the window and yelled at me “WE GOT MUFFINS”!



I’ll be honest. I first stopped and did the awkward “Uh, sorry if I parked in your lot…but I’m just running in and will be out in a second” dance move. But then I started feeling a bit Catholic for parking in this business woman’s parking lot with no intention of buying her goods. But then I started thinking, “Hmmmm, a muffin sure would make a good afternoon snack with a hot cup of coffee”. So I started walking closer to check out her menu to see what Taste No Evil Muffin Company had to offer. And, frankly, it didn’t even matter after I saw THIS:



I said, “Hon. You had me at ‘gay friendly’”. She said, “Yaaaaay…but, it should really say ‘constitution friendly’”.

So without even browsing too long at her choices, I just ordered my favorite type of muffin knowing that any muffin company worth its salt would have it.

And how was my BLUEBERRY MUFFIN? Let’s just say, the boy who doesn’t go south of the river except for root canals will be heading back south very soon for some more muffins.



Thanks Karisa…for leaning your head out the trolly and guilting me in to buying your merch. That’s just, well, evil.

The Bug

Our sweet little bug is cursed with one of those shitty birthdays. Not nearly as bad as Christmas day, but pretty darned close. Last year his birthday fell ON Thanksgiving day. There were exactly three people here for his second birthday party…me, Jed, and Adrian. We felt like awesome parents that year. Fortunately he wasn’t old enough to realize how bad his party sucked. Jed and I decided we’d start celebrating his birthday on my birthday to be sure folks would be around to help him celebrate. After all, lerd knows I’ve had plenty of times to celebrate over the years, now it’s time to pass the torch.

Today we celebrated our birthdays together. I got to spend my birthday morning sleeping in and was greeted by a fantastic, albeit out of tune, version of “Happy Birthday Daddy” by the boys. THEN, I got my annual supply of socks n’ undies that I ask for ALONG with a pair of super swell Superman pajama bottoms, cuz I rock like that. Then I went to my lil’ neighborhood coffee shop to get my morning Joe. Shortly afterwards Jed’s mom and Aunt Jan came to play with us for the day. We started with a yummy lunch at Amaya’s Taco Village with some hot delicious chicken enchiladas. Then while Yia Yia, Jed and Adrian went shopping for party supplies, Jan and I stayed home while Nathan napped and we watched the UT game.

Late in the afternoon we had a house FULL of friends and extended family come by to celebrate Naterbug’s birthday with pizza and juice (and beer!).



Everyone took turns taking swings at the requisite piñata





Followed by a version of “pin the tail on the donkey” called “stick the nose on the lion”.



Then we ate birthday cake. Our friend Beth made the Elmo cake and I made the strawberry layered chocolate cake with chocolate icing and strawberries on top.





We wrapped the evening up with opening more presents than any 1 three year old would ever need in his life.



I can’t speak for Nathan, but this has been a really fantastic birthday.