Thursday, June 25, 2009

I'm adequately prepared for hell

Folks, it's hotter than shit outside. Or, as my friend David said the other day, "It's hotter than a pygmy goats pussy in a pepper patch". I can't verify that, cuz I've never had a pygmy goat's pussy, but IT'S FUCKING HOT.
I did some screen caps on my idiot box the other night. This first cap is a monthly calendar of the temps, so far, for June. The temps in red indicate "record breaking heat". Keep in mind, these are "actual" temps, not "perceived" temps. Apparently the "perceived" temp, or the "feels like" temp is a good 10 degrees hotter than the actual temps. 105 isn't a temperature. 105 is Fairy Princess Holly's weight!

It's so hot outside that while I was walking home from the park yesterday morning with Adrian, at 1030 am, my flip-flop melted and stuck to the sidewalk. I'm not making that up. IT WAS 102 DEGREES at 1030 AM yesterday. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It was so hot yesterday that when I got home from school at 10 pm it was STILL 97 degrees. BUT THE HEAT WAVE ISN'T OVER! They projected the temps today to be even higher.

Naturally I've been doing everything possible to keep cool. I've been taking the kids to the park at 3 in the morning so they don't over-heat. We've been in (and out of) the pool by 10 in the morning. We've been taking naps during the hottest part of the day (basically 9am to 11 pm). I've been going through ice so fast that the ice maker in my fridge can't keep up. I've been having to supplement with bags of ice from the market. While I know it's passe to have ceiling fans in your house, I have them in every bedroom and they are all on high blast. In addition to them, I've got "Vornado" fans (2 of them) in my 40 square foot living room blowing the air around. And, seriously, as long as you're sitting or laying in the path of the breeze, it helps.

My clothes have been completely saturated for a week now. I fear I'll be getting a fungal infection from my damp balls, because I just can't seem to stop sweating. BUT...there's a light at the end of this very hot tunnel.

When I opened last month's electric bill I noticed I had started using a bit more electricity from running my a/c a little more. I immediately walked over to my handy dandy programmable thermostat and reset all the "wake, leave, return, sleep" times and temps. I set the morning "leave" temp at 80 degrees and the "sleep" temps at 80 degrees. The wake and return temps were set to 75. I noticed today that I was actually chilly in the house and had to put some long pants on. Yes. When it's 106 (actual) degrees (at 2 pm)...111 (perceived degrees), 80 degrees is actually COLD! That's the good news! I'VE ACCLIMATED TO HELL!!!

GOD how I'm looking forward to the cold front next Wednesday!


3 comments:

kim beaver said...

Hi (F)redy - thanks for the good words and the encouragement :) The Beaver will not go away.Let them shut me down and I will move to another lodge - easily :)
You are a great guy and I admire what all you accomplish. Very impressive and I adore your wonderful family. Against all odds you make it - very cool :)

Love & hugs from the Lodge xo kb

Walt said...

Pussy.

Bella Daddy said...

Blah Blah Blah, try coming to Arizona...105? Das Normal...unlike ME, or you HA!...loved it man, so frikkin glad to have you back!!!