Friday, March 13, 2009

What makes a DILF a DILF?

Joprah, over at posted a blog about what made a MILF a MILF. I HAD to reciprocate, cuz they dig some participation over there, yo! What ARE DILFy qualities? I've been told before by LEGIONS (legions)of folks here in the community that I'm a DILF and I never really understood why people thought so. I mean, don't get me wrong. I AM hot. But am I DILFy hot? Let's begin, shall we?


Fellas, for one, keep up with your physical appearance. Just because you "bought the cow" and are getting all that milk for free now doesn't mean you get to go all John Goodman on us. I'm not saying that yours truly is the ripped muscle stud he was back in the day. I've put on a few pounds, sure. But I can still buy off the rack. Having kids helps in this regard if you teach them hobbies other than Sponge Bob. Get out to the park with them, don't drive, ride your bike or walk if you can. Run around with them at the park and play with the little monsters instead of sitting on the bench talking to other pandas about how much your life sucks now that you have to get up before dawn on Sunday.


Dads who look like Brad Pitt don't need to act like they ARE Brad Pitt. The bottom line is all of our bottom lines stink a little. I'm sure you think you're all that AND the bag of chips, but fellas, come on. We all know what "average" is. You can't bullshit a bullshitter.


Just because you're a dad doesn't mean you need to start wearing one piece sanz-a-belt pin-striped jumpers. There is this phenomenon that happens with men when they become dads that is frightening, and MOST ALL MEN DO IT! (Even in the House of (F)reddy ONE of the dads does it...I ain't pointing fingers!) DO.NOT.WEAR.BLACK.SOCKS.WITH.SHORTS.OR.DENIM. For the love of CHRIST, Taffy. Let me take you to Los Angeles, circa 1984. MY lovely father took us on one last family vacation so we could all see the ocean and go to Disneyland. IMAGINE my horror as I was frolicking in my Speedo and skipping through the waves (Yeah, I'm gay, so what!) as I turned to see MY FATHER walking towards me in...wait for it...wait for it...FULL LENGTH BLUE SWEATPANTS, WHITE V-NECK T-SHIRT, and BLACK SOCKS to come swim with me in the ocean. Everyone pounced his ass when I yelled, "MOLESTER, GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEPY OLD GUY". Nobody wants to see that walking up to a 14 year old in a Speedo. NOBODY. And it's not like my dad was 70 at the time. He was 44. He was FOUR YEARS OLDER THAN I AM RIGHT NOW. The point of this, if you dress like a freak, I will take your picture with my phone and post it on the internet for the world to see. DON'T dare me.


Just because you CAN look like Wolfman Jack, doesn't mean you should. TRIM.THAT.SHIT.UP. Trim it off your ears. Trim it off your nose. Trim it from your eyebrows. IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU GAY to have the bridge of hair over your nose waxed so that you have TWO functioning eyebrows. Your chest hair should ABSOLUTELY not be longer than a half-inch long. Put on a #2 guard once a week and trim it down. It should also, under NO CIRCUMSTANCE, extend above the neck line of your t-shirt. If it does, remove the guard and clip it back. Those two racing stripes where your haircut know what I'm talking about??? IT SHOULD NOT EXTEND DOWN THE BACK OF YOR NECK AND DISAPPEAR INTO YOUR SHIRT. Regular grooming is essential. It's what separates men from apes. I won't even go below the belt, except to need to trim that too. Nobody likes Wookiebush, except for other Wookies.


Again, product doesn't make you gay. Don't be afraid of smelling a little spicey, or having your hair held in place with a little product.


And I'm not talking about that. We want you to be fit n' trim, but we don't want you spending all your time at the gym trying to look like Mr. Universe. You lose IQ points in equal proportion to the diameter of your bicep. It's okay if you can't bench press a VW.


Take care of your drawers fellas. If they've got snail trail, trash ‘em. If they've got holes where you can scratch the fellas directly, trash them. If the elastic in the band is wavy because they've been stretched to capacity for the last 3 years, TRASH THEM. It's a good idea to replace your cotton more than once every three years. Think about what you do in them. You fart in them. Occassionally you're in a rush to get out of the bathroom and don't shake the dew off your lily well enough to put ‘em in there dry. You sweat in them. Your underwear are DISGUSTING.


With your kids. There is nothing sexier on a dad than his hand holding onto his kids. Cut your spouse some slack and get the kids away from him/her once in a while for a peaceful afternoon and go out there and be a dad. Take the kids shopping. Take them to a movie. Trust me, chicks (and some dudes) DIG seeing a dad out by himself with the kids being an actively participating dad.

This certainly isn't an all inclusive list. There's plenty more that makes you DILFable, but we like to hold our cards close to our chest and keep y'all guessing what you're thinking.


Kevin in Danbury said...

way too funny...and all too true.

jaysinwantsu03 said...

U have this way of taking real life Shit and making it into something commical.. I Hope you are feeling better and have a great weekend..

(F)redddy said...

Kevmo, Jayz. Thanks boys. We all gotta do our part to keep men looking hot around us now that Carson's dead.

jaysinwantsu03 said...

La La la la la warm it up My DILFSHAKE bring's all the boi's to the yard... Where do you come up with this stuff..I can't get that out of my head now.. Me and my man actually listened to that song on our first date so it bring's back memories

(F)redddy said...

These songs just get stuck in my head Jay. For the longest time I had "The teaches of Peaches" stuck in my head and was walking around the house singing, "Sucking on my titties cuz you wanted me, calling me..." and realized I had to stop when Adrian started singing along with me.

jaysinwantsu03 said...

So are you ever on Skype??? I'm J-Booty on there..tedesc

Anonymous said...

I've got my own little DILF.


Walt said...

Thank you.

Bella Daddy said...

The HILF's Are Alive with the sound of Broadway!

HILF, get it? Homo well, nevermind, wasnt as funny writing it as it was thinking it

As always, you hit the nail on the head, so to speak.

ciara said...

i still say trim those freakin' nails and don't forget your feet. feet are nasty as it is. re: nails-getting scratched up is no fun.

RambleRedhead said...

This was great and the pictures add so much to the story especially the guy with his hairy back!

Another great laugh out loud piece - damn it - you should have a book of this stuff published and making millions already! (Remember your friends when you do! hheheheheh)

Melanie said...

Can't...look away...from picture...of Chris Meloni...on sheepskin...melting into puddle here...

And hellz yeah, DILFs are faboo as long as they remember to manscape.

CK Lunchbox said...

I'm dying here. This was spectacular! I was doing the man-scape thing the other day and jerked while trimming my eyebrows... put it to you this way, I had to go to a job fair later that day and when I walked up to one of the recruiters they greeted me with a Vulcan salute. two words: eye liner

tabaqui said...

Dude, awesome. I love that you included same-sex couples here. And yes! Groom, guys. Very fun, very true. :)

tabaqui said...

Oh wait! I'm a dork. I was just linked this and didn't really read anything but the post itself!

Either way - spiffy post.

Anonymous said...

wow, you must be really a faggot you stereotypical queer