Saturday, February 28, 2009

An hour of my life I'll never get back

For those of you who don’t know, the finger puppet doesn’t drink. Ever. Except for those rare occasions he wants a drink. And before I tell you what he drinks, I’d like you take a moment to empty your hands of any liquids that might spill onto your computer and/or small children who could be harmed when you start laughing. When he drinks, the boo loves…Zima. In case you missed that, I said, ZIMA. What can I say, he’s a lady.

So tonight was one of those rare nights that he wanted to get his drink on. I should have known something was up when he was rubbing his ass up against me like a cat on a tree. He said, very sweetly, “Boo Boo Kitty Fuck, would you like to go on a quest for me”? HELL.YEAH! A quest! I’m ALL about a quest. I says, “Sure Kit Kat Patty Whack, whatchoo need”? And he says the one word that sends me into a fetal position…”A Zima”. What.the.ever.loving.fuck? I meet the one self-proclaimed bear with a tiara.

Since I love him so much and will humiliate myself any way possible for him I slip my Crocs on over my socks and head out into the blustery cold night in search of my KKPW’s Zima. Not before, though, checking on the interwebs to verify that the shit is even still being made. Sadly, it is.

STOP 1: Gaysian liquor store near my house: Quick scan of the refrigerated section reveals no Zima. No problem. As I’m about to make my quick ninja like escape the man behind the counter asks, “Can I help you find something”? I whisper “Zima”, cuz there’s a ton of drunk rednecks standing at the cash register. “Excuse me”, he asks? I say, “Zima”, again. “FOR YOU”, he chortles? “NO! NOT FOR ME”. He tells me he hasn’t carried it in years since “the gay stop shopping here”. The ONE GAY in Austin stopped shopping there and now my BBKF can’t have a god damn Zima.

STOP 2: Triangle Liquor Store: SURELY the Triangle Liquor Store will have Zima. They’ve got my people’s fucking symbol in their name for god’s sake. Quick-though-somewhat-lingering scan of the cooler, no Zima. I ask the very sweet woman who works there (who I believe MAY be from India or Pakistan) who is DESPERATELY trying to communicate in English, “Can I help find you something”? I tell her I’m looking for Zima. She asks what it is. I explain to her it’s similar to the Bacardi coolers. She asks me if I can spell it, and it’s at this point that I realize if I have to spell it for her then it’s probably not going to be in her store. So I leave.

STOP 3: Twin Liquors in my HEB Parking lot. I walk in, there’s a very large, loud talking man arguing with the cashier. As I’m approaching the cooler I A) don’t see it immediately, but B) the arguing is getting louder and I have visions of a shoot out resulting with my dead body being found underneath a million shattered, shot out bottles of rum and vodka clutching a six-pack of Zima to my chest. So I don’t bother finishing my search. I walk across the parking lot to my HEB.

STOP 4: I knew the grocery store wasn’t going to have it. I don’t even know why I bothered to check. Nine-times-out-of-ten that fucking grocery store is out of Diet Dr. Pepper and ONIONS! What made me thing TONIGHT of all nights they’d have ZIMA!

STOP 5: I stop by the Texaco (Shell, whatever, sue me) by our house. They used to carry this stuff all the time. About 18 months ago, the last time BBKF scratched his ass up and down my leg, they were out, so I wasn’t too hopeful tonight. They were still out. Probably permanently.

STOP 6: Lastly, I ran to Spec’s. If Spec’s didn’t have it, NOBODY in Central Texas would carry it. Spec’s has EVERYTHING. And I mean…E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. I walked down the quarter mile of refrigerated section looking at every case. NO.FUCKING.ZIMA. A Spec’s employee walks by and he asks if he can help me find anything. I tell him I’ve been sent on a quest to find some Zima. He says, “No problem. I’m zertain we have zome Zima”. I love a clown with a sense of humor. So he walks up and the aisle and we’re not finding it. He walks over to the front counter and LOUDLY announces, “THIS GUY BACK HERE IS LOOKING FOR ZIMA. I THOUGHT ZERTAIN WE HAD ZOME”. The manager assures him they carried it and “zuggested” some places for him to look. He looks in all his suggested places and finally says, “Man, I’m really, really sorry. I can’t believe we’re out. Nobody drinks that ztuff anymore. We should have zome. Iz there something else she would like”? I laugh and say no. I thank him for his time and excuse him before he can make any other clever words by replacing the “s” with a “z”.

I’m crushed. In part because I’ve let my BBKF down, and in part because now I know this means I’m not going to get sprayed by the feral cat tonight. So I call him up and tell him my tale of woe. How hard I’ve tried to make his night of magic happen. I ask him if he would like anything else. He says, “Yeah. Sure. Surprise me”. Fool me once, shame on … well, however the hell that goes. Rather than “surprise him” (because I’m seriously NO GOOD at that game) I start reading off a bunch of different options. “Do you want beer? IPA? Something malt liquorish”? He stops me at malt liquor and says, “Yeah, just get me something girlie”. I start reading off the titles of the Bartles & Jaymes flavors: Mojito, no. Sangia, no. I get to, “Fuzzy Navel” and BBKF shoots back, “I said girlie, I didn’t say I wanted a vagina”! With that I couldn’t contain my laughter. I told him I’d surprise him and got off the phone. I picked out a six-pack of Mike’s Cranberry Hard Lemonade. The Spec’s zemployee zaw me walking up to the counter and zaid, “Good call. I think she’ll really like that”. And I said, “Yes, I think she zwill”.

submit to reddit


Daddy Files said...

Wow. Zima. It's just so...well, it's Super gay. I know Boo Boo Kitty Fuck (love the Jay and Silent Bob reference by the way) is a delicate miss priss, but even he has to man up in the alcohol department! ;-)

In fact, now that I think about it I seem to recall Zima's official slogan.

"Zima. The official drink of 14-year-old girls everywhere who first experiment with alcohol."

Great story. But for your sake I hope he takes to the Mike's because you could get yourself killed trying to snag Zima out in public like that!

Jed said...

Haha, this is all true.

Haterz ztep off!


Bjorn said...

Zima? Really? are we dropping jolly ranchers in it to? This story made my morning.

I feel bad for BBKF and Phreddy.

Go with the bottled schmirnofs and mike's drink. girly buy not vagina-ey.

Lovez for The Big D

Corcor55 said...

You need to write a might be the funniest thing I have ever read.

Breenlantern said...

I suppose he'll want a gift certificate to Chess King next and maybe tickets to see Liberace!?!?!? FYI: I loved me some Zima. Now I love me some Jed. I'm shaving my leg as I type this for a smooth rub.

Walt said...

I know it was 2009 when I went to bed last night. Did I wake up in 1992? :-)

Bella Daddy said...

GAWD I love reading your blog...KUDOS!

(F)redddy said...

Yes, everyone that commented, Zima. I'm sorry if I've let you down! Thanks for all the comments, they really cracked me up as much as the experience itself did.

jaysinwantsu03 said...

My man Chad Love's him sum bacardi cooler thing's .. They are just so nasty.. He get's buzzed off of 3 of them.. But now Zima wow that is a word that I didn't think I'd hear again ever.. Man it was 1995 I think since the last time I had one of those on my 18th B-Day party...

karisa said...

Since I've been out of town and with limited access to the internet, I've really been missin me some Phreddy ... this story was the perfect welcome back. PS YOU GO JED! xo

john said...

This is too funny!!

husband land said...

I must be getting old. It's been years since I even heard the word Zima.
Does he like "pop rocks" candy too?
Great post, as always. Thanks for starting my day off with a laugh.


RambleRedhead said...

Loved Loved this story and could picture you in the store whispering Zima and expecting to get shot!

This just shows us once again what a sweetie you can be to your man!

Maelstrom said...

Holy shit man, that was funny.

“the gay stop shopping here” luls

Mike said...

Hey Freddy, I've got bad news for your man. According to its Wikipedia entry, they stopped making Zima and only had enough inventory to last through last Decemeber (according to their estimates). Of course, this is from a Wikipedia entry, so perhaps they actually are mass-producing it for a huge re-introduction to the market! :-)

By the way, they test marketed Zima in Syracuse in the early 1990s when I was an undergrad at Syracuse University. We found it made a great mixer for flavored Schnapps. :-)

ShankRabbit said...

The things we won't do for a little "ass on leg" action.

The way you wrote this post made me want to take a big sip of beer and purposely spew it all over my keyboard.

I believe hilarious works deserve such a salute!

Kay said...

Next time you can go all out and buy him some Boone's Farm. Jeddy can be all swank, drinking wine.

TwinKim said...

I loved Zima, too, but haven't had it in years. Here's a drink I promise Jed will loooooove!

Mango Martini
(With nearly no mango and only pretend Martini)

1 oz Captain Morgan Mango Rum
1/2 oz peach schnapps
1/2 oz triple sec
1 oz pineapple juice
1 oz cranberry juice

Shake over ice (the martini part!), strain and serve. Drink too many, get lazy and quadruple the recipe to serve over the ice...