I've found myself struggling to find my voice recently in this new blogging community. I started blogging a half-a decade ago over at another site in an effort to keep up with my friends and family more regularly. Separated by miles and time-zones, I'm really crappy when it comes to keeping in touch. So I started writing my drivel in an effort to keep my family up-to-date with what was going on in my life. And then a bizarre thing started happening. STRANGERS started reading what I was writing AND INTERACTING with me. Over the last 5 years those people have gotten used to my "style". They either love it or hate it, but they keep coming back. Things changed dramatically for me over the last 5 years and everyone who followed me had a front row seat into our lives. And our lives were celebrated. And it was fun. It IS fun. So a few weeks ago I signed up for this new forum, and it was like going from being one of the popular kids in high school to being the nerdy freshman drum major at a third tier college. It
was is really hard for me to edit myself for folks that may not be used to a person who speaks off the cuff. Nonetheless, I thought it would be worth the effort to try and figure out how to make the transition. So here I is.
I recently signed up for the email alerts from the American Family Association. One of the podcasts I listen to on a regular basis was talking about how Christ-centered Americans should be boycotting Campbell's Soup products because of their position on the recognition of diversity amongst their employees and families. I think it's funny and ironic that an Christ-centered organization with the word "family" in their very name would be put out by any family.
You may be wondering why I chose to sign up for these frequent email "agenda" alerts. In the alerts that go out, frequently, you'll find email links to CEOs, CFOs, HR directors, etc. where you can send your emails of disdain and your plans to boycott their many products. I actually would like to thank the AFA for helping me out by providing me the email addresses so that I can email my support, instead. It also keeps me on my toes, letting me know what they think of me and what I do.
I've read a lot about "the homosexual agenda". It makes me sad, really. I guess the day I got in line the person handing out the agendas ran out? It certainly would have made the last 27 years easier if I had gotten an agenda. For 27 years now I've lived with anxiety that I'm going to be late for something. Some of the things that the AFA puts out there to their registered members is actually quite funny...if it weren't so sad. I'd like to take a few minutes of your time to clear up some common misconceptions about my people. I'll try to keep it as clean as I can, but you must understand: By the very nature of me being a homo, I'm predestined to be filthy. So consider yourself warned. And, at the very end of this post, at the risk of being expelled from my gay community for violating "the code", I'm going to give each of you the homosexual agenda (I actually was able to find a copy folded up in my FP's underwear drawer).
- FACT: The gays want to undermine and destroy the institution of marriage. This MIGHT be true for a certain portion of the gays. Particularly in the Californias? I mean, they desperately want to be fully included in this whole civil rights thing. Which means they want the same rights to have over 50% of their relationships to end in divorce. I find it hysterical that 70% of Americans find divorce morally acceptable, but want to PROTECT MARRIAGE by preventing the gays from doing it. For the record, the FP and I don't want to get married. Actually, that's not true. After 11 years of cohabitating, I've been told I'm not marriage material. Apparently I'm parenting material, and mortgage material...just not marriage. This leads to a little confusion when coming up with a name for each other upon introductions. I can't call him my "husband", cuz we ain't married. I refuse to call him my "partner", cuz we ain't in business together. I ABSOLUTELY refuse to call him my "lover" because that's just gay. I won't call him my boyfriend, cuz I'm pushing 40's doorbell and he ain't that far behind me. Neither of us have been "boys" for quite some time. So I call him my finger puppet, or my FP for short. Because when most people get ugghed out by homos, the reason they get ugghed out is they start thinking about what I'm doing in my bedroom. If calling my boo my "Finger puppet" grosses you out, good. Maybe you'll stop thinking about what WE'RE doing...because I sure as hell ain't thinking about the disgusting things y'all are doing. (Except for maybe you...)
- FACT: The gays have 24/7 non-stop drug induced amazing monster sex. This one is true. I mean, for reals. We're TWO guys, after all. Not just one. ***SEE BELOW
- FACT: The gays have FABULOUTH (say it with a lithp people, come on) homes that are FLAWLETHLY decorated and EMACULATE yards and can cook anything Emeril can, but better. This is complete and total horse-pooh. I started a simple remodeling project on our one and only bathroom 4 years ago. It's still a work in process and will still be in process 4 years from now. We BARELY have a functional shower, and that's just cuz I'm the
kingqueen of improvising. While it's true I am an amazingly fantastique cook, the FP (ugggh) can't boil water with out messing it up. Since having kids I have nothing of value in my house. My glassware has been replaced with plastic, my "art" has been replaced with shitty crayola drawings...which I love.
- FACT: The gays like to have anonymous sex with any male in a variety of public places: Uhmmmm, look. Just cuz you have a knock-knock, don't mean I'm interested in seeing it. While I do have a "type", most likely you ain't it. MOST of us aren't into dudes that look like John Goodman (or John Candy...when he was alive, not like he looks now, cuz that's just disgusting); MOST of us ain't into married dudes; MOST of us ain't into IT guys. And, the odds are, if you're reading blogs, you fit into one of these three categories. Did I just make a gross assumption about a stereotype? Ummm, yeah. I did. So unless you look like Christopher Meloni did in the hit series, Oz, AND you're sharing a prison cell/shower with me...you've probably got nothing to worry about.
- ***SIDE NOTE: I actually had someone in one of my classes recently STATE THIS FACT IN CLASS. FACT: The children need to be protected from the homosexuals because of the increased risk of AIDS and other STDs: Bitch, please. Do you know how STDs are spread? Are you having sex with your children? NEITHER ARE WE! In fact, you might be surprised that many of us WITH children had to go through EXTRAORDINARY METHODS to get them. (You didn't think we popped ‘em out our manginas, did you?) As part of that process, many of us were monitored by various agencies. Through that monitoring, these agencies weren't able to witness any of us having sex with our children. And I don't think it was because we were on our best behavior while the people were in our homes. Cuz, in case you didn't know, FOUR YEAR OLDS ARE INCAPABLE OF KEEPING A SECRET...so I'm sure it would "slip out" if that's what we were doing with da kids.
- FACT: They're trying to infiltrate our schools to indoctrinate our children at an earlier age. Since Ted Haggard beat us to the churches, we had no other choice but to head to the schools. I'm really sorry about that. Kidding aside, I realize there's been a plethora of news stories in the past few years about teachers being arrested for having sex with their students. These teachers all had one thing in common. A vagina. Now, I'm certainly not saying that all predator teachers are women preying on the rock hard bodies of a seven year old...but, apparently that's what the AFA would have you believe...about us.
- Fact: Homosexual parents will teach their children how to be gay. Ahhhh, some of my fondest childhood memories are when I’d go down to the chain drive with my dad and help him wiggle into his harness and ball gag so I could sit and watch him get fisted by Bruce. If I was a particularly good boy that day, hhe’d let me hold the poppers. Good times. Ummmm, yeah. I think that pretty much sums THAT up. Don’t be stupid, stupid. I didn’t learn it from my folks.
I can't believe I'm going to do this. As promised, here's the homosexual agenda:
0600: Get up, drink the coffee my FP (ugggh) lovingly makes for me every morning (yeah, it's okay to be jealous). Finish getting the kids dressed/fed before the school bus picks up littlest monster at 640 am. Work on any school work/projects the biggest monster has due that day/do what I can to keep him from screaming at me. His mornings are iffy at best. M-W-Th-F I also chop veg, brown meats, and prepare sauces to throw dinner in the crock pot before I leave.
0730: Leave the house to get big monster to school before the 0735 bell. Usually get "the eye" from his teacher, cuz she hates me.
0740: Hop in the Jeep (or on the motorbike if it's Tuesday/Thursday) and head downtown to the job. Try hard to get there by 8 so I don't get shit-canned.
0800-1615: Work at a thankless job in an office (which fortunately has a door...but sadly, no windows) in an uncomfortable chair behind a computer that (seriously) still operates off of Windows 98. I work for a thankless bunch of attorneys who talk down to me all day and rarely have ever said "thank you" for anything over the past 12 years.
1620: M-W-F I pick up the littlest monster from daycare and take him to the big monster's school to pick him up. We run home and meet poppa to do the "YAAAAY Family" thing around the dinner table and catch up on the days events.
1620: T-Th I head straight over to school and put my brain in learning mode.
1800: M-W Hop on the motorcycle and head back down town for I REALLY, REALLY enjoy being the oldest dude in college. It's so awesome to constantly being told, "WOW! Your seriously don't look that old. Didn't they have colleges when you graduated from high school"?
2200: M-T-W-Th hop on my motorcycle and fly up Lamar as fast as I can hoping that everyone remembers to check their mirrors and their windows before they make a lane change. Get home at 2215 and click on the news to catch tomorrow's weather. Say "Goodnight" to the FP...but not before asking him how the boy's night was.
2230: Start working on homework and answering email from my legions of adoring fans.
0030: Get in bed, trying not to wake up the FP. If he happens to stir and says, "Can you do me like a wild dog?", I explain to him that I'm REALL tired and will try to shower him with...affection tomorrow night if I'm not too tired.
RINSE, REUSE, REPEAT. Oh, I guess I should mention, I lied above about the 24/7 nonstop orgies MY PEOPLE HAVE. It's a myth, man. A MYTH. It's probably the biggest lie of our people. So while you're busy thinking about me doing the boo like a wild dog, hopefully your mind is a blank. In other words, our lives are very much like your own.
So no need to fear my, brother. I'm not askerd of you, you shouldn't be askerd of me. As my last two pieces of evidence into how we are SO not indoctrinating THE CHILDREN, I give you:
Adrian in a wife beater. For real, people. If we're supposed to be all about fashion, do you think I'd let him leave the house looking like this?
Look at this hair, fool.
My family couldn't possibly be more normal, more boring than yours. Now you know what we're up to. Skerry, ain't it.