Sunday, February 8, 2009

Entertain our children, but for God’s sake, don’t parent them

I read a post by Dad Files last week about the current crop of children’s television available out there.  I wrote this post a little over a year ago, but seeing as how there’s a whole knew crop of lurkers out there, I thought I’d repost it so you didn’t have to go diggin’ for it. 

I suppose everyone by now has figured out two facts about me. 1) I'm a 'mo. And 2) I'm a 'mo with children. Clutch the pearls Sally Kern, it's true. In the future, I'll post a blog about the process of how a homo gets a child, but in the meantime, this post is about a far more dangerous element than homosexuals parenting children. I'm fully aware that a large portion of our close minded society feel like children are better off in a household with one father and one mother. However, it's these same self-righteous hypocrites that subject their children to these people:teletubbies

Thanks to Pat Roberts and the good folks of Florida, we have just about cast these perverts from our society. Thank God. I mean seriously. How creepy can a group of midgets in costume be? I don't know who has seen the Teletubbies and how hasn't, so I'll run through a typical TT episode for you. Every show starts with a hazy effect of a half dressed child in the top of the screen, presumably sunshine. This baby giggles as it watches the Teletubbies roll up and down a fake hill with real rabbits watching them frolic and have a good time. Then all the Tubbies gather around each other to watch a video segment off of the chest of one of the other characters. Usually this video they watch involves a parent with their child performing some fabulous activity like hunting rabbits or flying kites. Then one of the Tubbies says, "play it again", and the video replays itself. Two of the episodes that I've seen, the father in this video was wearing some way too high and tight shorts and was actually creepier than the Tubbies. HOW DARE the religious right peg all the gay on Tinkie Winkie.


I said many times before my first child that there were two things that I would never subject my children to. Elmo is one of them (the second is coming up). Who is the creep behind this child drug? As an adult, everyone knows what tickling leads to. Sex. So you basically encourage a child to tickle this red thing until it starts shaking and laughing. I've also screened many episodes of Sesame Street before letting my child watch this stuff and Elmos World is little more than Kiddie Porn. I've seen Elmo try to seduce Alicia Keys. I've watched as he coerced Eddi Falco into kissing his knee. Starting with asking her to kiss his eyebrow, kiss his cheek, kiss his knee. Come on Elmo. NO MEANS NO. Unfortunately my children LOVE Elmo and I have fallen victim to the selective marketing at Dollar stores around town. We own everything from laughing Elmos to Elmo shoes. Elmo is like heroin, and I am my baby’s supplier.


I may as well jump in to the second thing I refused to subject my child to. Barney. Fortunately the Barney phenomenon is pretty much extinct. Sure, my sisters gave me some of their Barney video tapes they used 17 years ago. I lied and told them I only had a DVD player these days. Truth be known, I immediately dropped the tapes off at Goodwill. I may have lost the battle with Elmo, but I will not fall victim to Barney.


Take creepy and multiply it times 20 and you’ve got The Wiggles. We're not positive, but Jed and I have a theory that the two guys in the Red and Purple shirts are dating as are the guys in the Blue and Yellow shirts. Though if you'll notice, the green couple (think about it, yellow and blue...) wear wedding rings, so we're fairly certain they've had a civil ceremony. The boys of The Wiggles are always doing this creepy finger dance, and sing the goofiest songs. If you raise your children with respect, like we do, you’ll teach them to call them Mr. Wiggle. As adults, we realize that Mr. Wiggle is a code name for a cock. Gay, gay, gay. My last criticism of The Wiggle gang is that the gaysian in the show is really useless. He doesn't really contribute much to the gang.

doodlebopsThe latest greatest creep factor out there for your kids is The Doodlebops. These are the gayest men on the planet. I was trying to figure out which one is the gayest person, but it's so hard to tell. Rooney Doodle (the gentleman in the blue) may have possibly bottomed for Richard Simmons. Mo Doodle, well the name says it all. There's a fourth character that isn't pictured above, the Bus Driver, who is the butchest person on the show...but that's not saying too much. The format behind The DB shows stays the same too. Without going through the entire show, there is a point where they show the audience in one of the live shows and it's filled with lots of glowing faces of adorable children screaming with glee, having a good old time with their parents. These parents should be shot for subjecting their children to this show. I should be shot. After just a few episodes, I know ever word to every song and burst into singing at a moments notice. I wish, sometimes, I was dead.

The fact of the matter is all of the Teletubbies, The Wiggles, the Doodlebops, Elmo, and Barney are all gay, and children love them. Why wouldn't they? They're entertaining, catchy, and easy to follow. Why are there so many homos in children’s television? Because we're colorful, entertaining, talented, creative, and funny. How many straight people do you see in theater? Exactly. And that's why were entertaining your children.


johnmichael said...

You crack me up!!

Kevin in Danbury said...

Elmo can suck a bag a bag of dicks. Literally!

Maelstrom said...

Thankfully the kids outgrow these shows and characters pretty quickly. Teletubbies was the worst though, those creatures didn't even speak. They just did stupid shit and then laughed at it.

Kay said...

Tinkie Winkie got a bad rap...he's not nearly as gay as any of The DB's!