Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Fat, white, sick, and ready to die (Day -10)

Last night we watched a documentary by some fat white dude in Australia who had enough of being my size and decided to do something about it.  By the end of the movie he was hot, so he inspired me to try it to. 

The name of the documentary was Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead.  It chronicled the man’s one year journey to rid himself of a chronic illness and scores of medication by changing his diet from one of macronutrients (highly processed foods) to micronutrients (food that starts in one form or another in dirt).  He started by initiating a 60-day juice only diet, but not like Cranapple Raisin juice by Snapple…no, he bought all kinds of fruits and vegetables and shit and made his own juice.  No preservatives, yo.  Just all natural juice. 

After 30 days on the diet, he lost something like 47 pounds.  He didn’t specify in the documentary whether or not he was getting any physical exercise during this period, though I suspect he did.  After 30-days of “juicing” in New York City, he took his dog and pony show on the road across America to talk about the benefits of having to constantly running to the bathroom after drinking 12 pounds of fresh vegetables for another 30 days.   Along the way, he met another fat ass that he convinced to try the diet too.  I forget the total numbers, but fatty 1 lost half his body weight and fatty 2 lost 227 pounds.  He, basically, lost me.

The documentary, as much as I’m making light of it, was truly inspiring.  I related to many aspects of it.  In many ways it was true, I don’t REALLY need two cheeseburgers for $5 just because it’s cheaper that way.  But that’s how my brain is wired.  Convenience and cost.  I hate huffing and puffing from the car to the front door.  I hate that I have busted two Ikea platform beds while having, umm, relations.  I hate that I’m getting these fucking old man skin tags in the folds of my neck flesh.  I hate that I can’t see my balls unless I’m looking in a mirror.  So I’m going to try this dudes method and see what happens. 

So today marks day -10 of a 70 day journey.  I plan to chronicle as much of this shit as possible so my faithful followers (both of you) can see some live-time results.  I’ll post narrative details of the juices we’re trying and my “feelings”, photo details, and video updates on a regular basis over the next 70-days in an effort to keep myself honest, on track, and humble. 

This morning I bought the juicer we’ll be using along the way.  It just so happens to be the same brand the fella from the land down under used for his experiment.  I didn’t buy it so I could be hot like him, but it had the highest rating on Amazon.  Plus, it’s shiny and cute.  I’ve printed a shit ton of juice recipes so I won’t get bored on the same old juices.  I’m going to come up with some “light” exercise routines for me, the other whale, and the kids to aid in our weight loss.  I need to do some research into some better toilet paper, cuz I hear one of the side-effects of this “reboot” is you shit yourself like a 3 month old, constantly, quickly, and liquidy. 

Feel free to offer your thoughts, snide comments, jokes about vegetarians with diarrhea being called “salad shooters”, and more.  I look forward to sharing this with you. 


RalphMariedeLargo said...

REPENT from your grave sin of Homoeroticism. Jesus Christ shall condemn you to the fires of ever-lasting HELL if you remain stiff-necked and cocky.

Unrepentant you shall for all eternity, gnash your teeth, scream in inhuman divine pain, your body and your soul aflame but never consumed by God's punishing fire. Like so much cinder flying randomly in God's inferno, you shall fall and rise with fellow damned souls and all the daemons.

Homoeroticism is a grave sin and an emotional/intellectual disorder. Seek treatment. The Holy Spirit can cure you.

Just sayin.'

Anonymous said...

you are qiet sick and need help.

Anonymous said...

Homoeroticism and ever lasting hell??? You are very messed up and confused. Get help before you hurt someone.