And I don’t mean magazines. And this isn’t a snarky post. This is just (F)reddy being exhausted. But I wanted to touch base with my devoted fans, cuz I’ve gotten emails from my cousin, Larry, and my other cousin, Hot Eric, checking in to make sure Jed ain’t killed me this week. And I want to put all y’alls mind at ease. I’m still alive.
So. U.S. History betwixt 1692 and 1862 is kicking my historically challenged ass. OH MY GOD. This shit is boring. As mentioned, professor Geri was one of the original authors of the Independence of Declarations. She’s OLD. And for real, she forgets statements in the middle of making them. She literally reads chapters out of the book during each class (usually 3 chapters a class) at a speed that even dogs can’t hear or recognize. It’s not unusual for me to burn through two or three highlighters every Thursday night as I desperately try to keep up with the things she deems “important”.
So the last test I took I have never been more confused with anything in my life. You would think I was looking at a map of a vagina, rather than looking at questions on a history test. Taken directly from the test, “Which constructions was considered the most enlightened?” What the fuck does that even mean? JUST LIKE LABIA? What the fuck are THOSE for? Oh yeah…to keep sperm in. It’s all come back to me now.
I fully expected a D or less on that test. I almost nutted on the neck of the hot guy that sits in front of me when I got my test back. I somehow pinched a B out of my ass. I don’t know how, honestly. I vowed to do better on the next test.
So I came up with a plan. After writing out all my notes and transcribing my highlights from my books, I sat down with my handy dandy little computra and microphone and started reading and recording my notes. My plan was to put them on my iPod and listen to them on an endless loop for four entire days (test tonight) and absorb the shit. At this point, I now know more about the Monroe, Adams, Jefferson, and Jackson’s presidencies than Sarah Palin. Shit. For that matter, I know more about labia than Sarah Palin.
BUT there’s a downside. I have decided I AB SO LUTELY HATE my voice. Holy shit. I thought most of y’all were my friends. Why hasn’t one single one of you mother fuckers ever tell me I sound like Helen Keller? At one point (for about 20 minutes of the 60 minutes) during the recording I start sounding like Bradley fucking Trainor reading “Big Gay News”. This answers the question several people have asked…”(F)reddy, when will you be starting your own podcast?” NEVER.
Okay, so I got into work this morning and I had my skull cap on; my heavy grey hoodie sweatshirt; some stylish gloves; and something else on…oh PANTS. This woman on the elevator with me says, “Geez! ARE YOU A LITTLE COLD?” Fuck yeah I’m cold. I RIDE A FUCKING MOTORCYCLE TO WORK AND IT’S FORTY FUCKING DEGREES OUTSIDE YOU DUMB CUNT. Forty degrees outside isn’t, on its surface, horrible. Hurling down the street on a motorized bicycle at 45 miles an hour when it’s 40 degrees outside is a completely different matter. MY TESTICLES HAVE FROSTBITE. Do you think I NORMALLY look like fucking Rudolph? Give me a fucking break.
That’s all I got peeps. I’m alive. I’m alive. How the hell are you?