Wait. MY MOM DRANK FROM THE KOOL-AID?

This past weekend my mommy gave me a ringy-dingy on the telephone.  We had the typical conversation…”How are you?  How are the boys?  How’s the weather?  Have you gotten AIDS yet?”  Then she mentions that our pastor from our church where we lived in Germany recently moved to Georgetown.  Georgetown is about 20 minutes to the north of Austin.  I say, “that’s coo.”  She goes on to say that he and his wife, whom my family was VERY good friends with when we lived in Germany, were having a housewarming party next month.  (I apologize for all the background info, but it’s essential, as you’ll see in a bit.)  She mentions that she and the dad are going on a month vacation to the Virginias to see my sister and her family at the beginning of October and won’t be able to make the house-warming party in Georgetown…but that they’re coming down to stay with us for the month of November for mom’s birthday, (F)reddy’s birthday, and lil’ baby Nate’s birthday.  She mentions all this to say that the invitation says, “I know y’all probably can’t make it down, but I know (F)reddy lives in Austin and we would love to see him and his finger puppet with their bastard children if they’re available.” 

 

Dad’s been retired for about 315 years now.  He’s old.  Mom just retired about a year ago.  IN FACT, it was exactly a year ago, because it was just short of her birthday LAST year.  This is important…

 

Cuz since ma Kettle has retired, she and pappy have been running around the lower 48 like it has just been opened for the very first time.  Seriously, I think the amount of time they’ve spent in their own home in the last year is about as much time as I spent in the bathroom on Saturday.  They’ve taken a good half-dozen cruises, they’ve taken road-trips.  I’ve even got a picture of my mother PARAGLIDING in PARAGUAY.  Seriously.  MY 300 pound mamma being towed by a boat in a parachute.  WHO KNEW that sail didn’t have a weight limit.

 

In an effort to save money on gas a few years ago, my dad bought a Ford Focus.  It was a big joke between everyone who knew my folks (including the sibs), cuz my folks ain’t tiny.  The steering wheel literally cut into pappy’s gut when he drove.  He drove this thing around diligently for about 2 years before realizing how silly he looked squeezing himself into it.  He bought himself a Mercedes E class.  And I thought, “WOW…now there’s a waste of money”.  BUT my folks have worked hard for everything they’ve got and if dad wants a mid-life crisis car at 70, then by all means let him get a mid-life crisis car at 70.

 

So I tell ma to send me the details of the invitation to the housewarming party in Georgetown and if I felt like being baptized or ridiculed/mocked for my sinful lifestyle I would travel up north to God’s country.  When I get the email it says, “Oh, by the way, I thought you’d like to see pictures of my new car dad bought me yesterday.” 

 

I’ll be fucked to tears if it wasn’t a 2009 Mercedes GL450 (SUV).  What the fuck?  What does my mother, who is retired, who does nothing but travel with my dad 360 days a year need with a FIFTY-EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLAR SUV?  It’s not like they’re not BOTH IN THE SAME FUCKING CAR when they go somewhere.  I mean, for real.  WHAT DID THEY NEED THIS CAR FOR?  I excused the first indulgence, this one just made me see my inheritance flushed down the toilet.

 

So I reply to her email.  “Nice car.  I guess we shouldn’t count on that new bathroom for Christmas, huh?!?”  and she replies…

 

AND I’M ABSOLUTELY NOT MAKING THIS UP…THIS IS 100% CUT AND PASTED FROM HER EMAIL…

 

“Boy, you don't miss a thing, do you?  No, we are not going.  BTW - - I'm typing this on my new phone.  It only took me 20 minutes - - fingers are too big.  

 

I wouldn't start working working    

on the bathroom.

Sent from my iPhone”

 

MY MOTHER HAS AN IPHONE???

 

WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK?

 

MY ALMOST 70 YEAR OLD MOTHER HAS A FUCKING IPHONE?  What the hell is going on?  New Mercedes, NEW IPHONE?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  

 

So I send her back this response…

 

“YOU GOT AN IPHONE?  WHY ON EARTH DO YOU NEED AN IPHONE???  I DON’T EVEN HAVE AN IPHONE!!!”

 

To which she replies…

 

“Oh, is that what this thing is called?  Isn’t that a cute little name”.

 

Seriously, kill me now.

 

Texas v. Rice: 52-10

Fall is my favorite time of year in Austin. The temperatures plummet to the low to mid 80’s, and the boys start running around ALL over town with their shirts off. It’s a beautiful site. OH, and it also begins FOOTBALL season!!! Now, I’m not a fanatic. I don’t have 20 different channels of ESPN. I don’t have stats memorized. In fact, as shallow as it sounds, if you mention a football team that is outside the boundaries of the Texas border, I may greet you with a blank stare. But I do love my Texas Longhorns. It would be a little more than difficult to live in a college town and not love your football team.




This picture is supposed to include ALL of Earl Campbell’s statue, but such is the luck when you ask a stranger to take a picture.

Saturday was a rare night for us. Due to the hurricane, Jed’s uncle was unable to come to town to see the game. So he sent us his 6 tickets and parking passes and told us to make it a family night. Jed and his mom spent Friday afternoon shopping for new Fan-gear for the boys (I guess I didn’t rate). Saturday afternoon, after a very long nap, we all got ready in our best burnt orange and headed to the Darrell K. Royale memorial football stadium. We got princess parking in the parking garage directly across the street from the stadium. Finding our seats was a bit tricky. The stadium had JUST completed a massive expansion project, and it literally took us 45 minutes to find our seats. Now, due to Jimbo’s generosity, we were given four stadium tickets and two box seat tickets. The stadium tickets were in the north end-zone, in the new section, and all together. The box seat tickets were on the west side of the stadium at the 45 north yard line. It featured free drinks and a buffet. While I really would have dug sitting in an air-conditioned box with food and drink with a bunch of strangers, we decided to bunch up cozy style and have a big fun family night in the end-zone.

We found our seats just in time for the University of Texas Longhorn Band to come marching in.


I love my State Flag. I think it’s real purdy. I especially love the school’s flag. When it’s complete unfurled and spread out, it covers and entire half of the football field.


This really pumped up the crowd. (NOTE: This is ¼ of the stadium!)


Adrian really loved the game. The only part he didn’t like was the cannon that exploded with every point scored. His most favorite part of the game was watching the real life BEVO grazing on the field during the game. He thought it was totally cool that there was a “cow” there watching the game. Bevo was a bit far away from us for me to take a picture, but at ½ time they put him on the JUMBOTRON!


Half-time entertainment featured the Longhorn band performing Zepplin’s “Stairway to Heaven” (I could NOT make that up!) and also featured the Alumni band. The UT Longhorn Alumni band in the largest in the nation with 1500 participating members and 4500 non-participating members. While the alumni band was performing, they had band members all the way from the 1940’s to 2007 out there performing. It was amazing to watch those old people blowing their horns.


After the alumni band performed, the current band rejoined for the final rendition of “The Eyes of Texas”


The game wasn’t really all that exciting. In fact, it was a cake walk. After about 4 minutes, we pulled out our first string and gave our third string the rest of the game to get some actual practice time in! It was a fantastic evening out with the family though, I couldn’t think of a better time to spend a briskly chilly fall night than watching football with my boys.

Hook ‘em y’all.

Sleepy time.

Y'all, I feel so bad...

As many of you may know, my precious baby boy started “big boy school” a couple of weeks ago. The first week went off without a hitch. Adrian LOVED LOVED LOVED big boy school. The second week…something changed.

Last Monday, while dropping him off at school, I got him out of the Jeep. He threw himself down on the sidewalk and started sobbing. “I DON’T WANNA GO TO SCHOOL.” I just thought he was playing with me and being a little “precarious”. So I pulled him up by his hair and dragged him into the school. He sass-talked me all the way to his class and said things like, “I hate this fucking place”, and “I wanna go to work with you”. When we got to his class room I followed procedure and put all his stuff in the appropriate file folders/cubes and escorted him to his seat. I asked him if he wanted to pick out a book and he just started crying. I said, “Well if you’re going to cry like that, I’m just going to leave.” He sobbed and sobbed and said he didn’t want me to leave. It was heartbreaking. I said my goodbyes and headed out the door. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him shoot past the teacher and run down the hallway screaming at the top of his lungs, “DAAAAADEEEEE, PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME HERE.” I picked him up and carried him back in and told him he needed to stay and that I would be back to pick him up later. He cried and cried and cried. And, honestly, I was getting a little choked up myself. I headed out the door again and he chased after me a second time. The teacher caught him at the door this time and I kept walking. When I got to the front door of the school I could still hear him sobbing and screaming some ¼ mile away. It was brutal.

Tuesday: Rinse, reuse, repeat. My morning with him went EXACTLY as it has on Monday. When I picked him up from school I told him that his behavior in the morning was disturbing and I asked him why he didn’t want to go to school. He said, “I don’t want to go to school”. I explained to him why he had to. He said, “But I don’t want to”. I said, “Adrian, Daddy does things EVERY DAY he doesn’t WANT TO, but because he HAS TO. Going to school is non-negotiable. You HAVE to go to school.” He replied, “But I want it to be gotiable.” And I told him, again, it wasn’t. When we got home that evening I went through practice drills with him as if I were dropping him off for class again.

Wednesday morning, to my surprise, he barely even said good-bye to me as I was dropping him off. I was proud of him. HOWEVER, when I picked him up that afternoon, I received the following two page, hand-written, letter from his teacher:

I was, understandably, horrified. I don’t know where he gets this behavior. I certainly have NEVER said…okay, MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE I’ve said a FEW of these things. BUT who knew he was paying such close attention? I discussed his behavior with him AGAIN that night telling him it was “inappropriate” and yadda yadda yadda. He said he would do better.

Thursday I didn’t get any letters from the teacher, however on his daily “mood calendar” that comes home he received another “stern face”. Just a little side note here: Every day the kids come home with a calendar. There is a symbol on the day for how the child behaves. If the child gets a “STAR”, they needed little redirection that day; if they get a “happy face”, they needed minimal supervision; if they get a “stern face” they needed lots of redirection; and if they get a “sad face” they made the teacher cry.

Friday, yet another stern face, no notes. No eye contact from the teacher. I swear she was trying to hide a bruise in her orbit (EYE SOCKET FOR YOU NON-MEDICAL PEOPLE!), but I couldn’t be certain. And I certainly wasn’t going to speculate whether or not the bruised eye came from MY sweet child.

So over the weekend I brainstormed what we were going to do. AT THE VERY SAME MOMMENT, Jed’s aunt emailed and said she was coming up this weekend from Galveston (PRE-IKE!) and wanted to know if she could take Adrian to Schlitterbahn on Saturday. For those not in-the-know, Schlitterbahn is a waterpark on crack. It’s made the number 1 spot on the Travel Channel’s Top Ten Waterparks for the last 17 years. It’s an amazing place. Better than Disneyland, for reals. I told her that would be FANTASTIC.

I used this as bait. I told Adrian that if he got FIVE SMILEY FACES this week he could go to Schlitterbahn on Saturday. He said, “Thanks pops. You’re the raddest fucking pop on the planet.” And it’s true, I am.

Monday morning while escorting the kid to his class I stopped in and apologized again to the teacher. I made sure she heard me say to Adrian, “Don’t forget. You need FIVE SMILEY FACES this week.” And she said, “Are you working towards something?” I said, “Yes. If he doesn’t call you a cunt or spit in your face this week, we’re going to SCHLITTERBAHN!!!” She said, “OH MY. That’s a good goal to have!”. And, indeed, it is.

Monday: Smiley face.

Tuesday: Smiley face…all eyes turn to the gulf.

Wednesday: Smiley face…mandatory evacuation of coastal communities. Anticipated landfall to include much of Central Texas with sustained winds of 70-110 miles per hour and 5-7 inches of rain. Tornadoes likely.

Thursday: Haven’t picked him up yet, but Austin under a state of emergency, and people are being warned if they leave their homes this weekend they’ll be shot.

How am I going to tell this sweet little boy that even though he’s made his goal of getting FIVE SMILEY FACES this week that he won’t be able to go to Schlitterbahn? To make matters worse, I THINK this is the last weekend Schlitterbahn is open for the summer. Do you THINK he’s going to work towards this five smiley face goal again if I go back on my word? What’s a dad to do.

***NOTE: The attached letter is not real. It is entirely fictitious, entirely made up for dramatic effect. While Adrian DID receive a two page hand-written note about his poor behavior on Wednesday last week, it wasn’t nearly as funny as the one I have written.

Eat me!

I wonder how this was pitched in the business plan. Who thinks, "huh I'll open a restaurant named after a blood sucking villain." Anyone want to take bets on if they serve Bloody Mary's?

He's hot, but...

So I have a dilemma. Not really a dilemma, just something to talk about. When Jed and I toured the elementary school that Adrian now attends I noticed something about the staff. The largest majority of them were young and hot. One, in particular, concerned me. I was sure he couldn’t have been over 14. And while blondes typically don’t do anything for me, this one did. Perhaps it was due to his lack of undergarments in his sport shorts??? Frankly, I didn’t even notice he wasn’t wearing underwear, but Jed pointed it out to me. My first impression was the kid was just there hanging out with his mother, but…

On Friday I went to pick up Adrian from Extend-a-care and was greeted at the door by Bobby, the young hot underwearless blonde boy that was there the day we toured the school. He introduced himself as the “director of the Extend-a-care” program for the school. I think he said something about how Adrian had a good afternoon, yadda, yadda, yadda. Frankly, I was distracted trying out my x-ray vision to see if he was, in fact, wearing underwear or not. I still don’t know. What I do know is when a hot 22-year old (as it turns out) runs up to a middle-aged gay man, it does something to that middle-aged gay man. No, no, no…dear readers, I didn’t pop wood. I did feel a little chest palpation though.

When I got home from picking Adrian up I immediately iStalked Bobby to see if he had a GuySpace page. And, in fact, he did. I was a tad bit disappointed to learn that Bobby was straight. I don’t know why this disappoints me, but it does. I took a few hours to peruse his photos and was delighted to see some rather, er, uh, revealing photos. Revealing insomuch as they reveal a little of his personality, and not so much that they show his junk. While that would be nice, I just don’t know if my old heart could take seeing junk pictures of hot 22-year old blonde Bobby.

In one photo, Bobby is shown doing a keg stand with, presumably, another hot 22-year old boy hoisting dear Bobby’s legs up in the air while a bimbo assists with the nozzle from the keg. Another photo of Bobby shows him lighting a cigarette with a butane torch…dangerously close to his precious face. And yet another photo of Bobby shows him surrounded by throngs of adoring bimbos while his shirt is hoisted above his nipples and his pants being pulled down to JUST ABOVE his bush-line with his chest covered in lipstick prints of these disgusting female admirers.

Ya know, I don’t have a problem with this kid watching Adrian after school. I do think other parents would have a problem with it. I sort of feel it’s my civic duty to help this kid keep his job by suggesting to him that he change the privacy settings on his GuySpace account so that just anyone can’t see his pictures. But then I feel like if I mention it to him I just reveal to him that I AM the stalker? And perhaps I should just leave well enough alone and check out these pictures frequently to assure myself that there’s nothing nefarious going on in dear sweet Bobby’s life?

What would YOU do?

LATE ENTRY: As a side-note, I did check today to see if Jed’s assertion of the lack of drawers was truth or wishful thinking. While I can’t confirm nor deny the absence or presence of underpants, I can confirm the boy fills out a pair of gym short quite nicely.

French Kiss

I don't enjoy getting up early in the mornings anymore, at all. But when I do, I love making breakfast with the kids. This is one of my favorites to make for them, because it's easy and they can help with it...and they love it. I found it on the Pillsbury website a couple of years ago and have adjusted it a bit to suit the needs of MY family (IE: RASINS AND PECANS!!!) But you can do with it what you want. My family calls it "French Kissed Toast", but you can call it whatever you want...even DELICIOUS!

1/4 cup butter

2 cans Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls with icing

6 eggs

1/2 cup heavy whipping cream

2 tsp cinnamon2 tsp vanilla

1 cup chopped pecans

1 cup maple syrup

1 cup raisins

FRESH Strawberries

• Heat oven to 375. Pour melted butter into ungreased baking dish. Separate dough, cut each roll into 8 pieces. Place pieces over butter in dish.
• In medium bowl, beat eggs, beat in cream, cinnamon, and vanilla until well blended; gently pour over roll pieces. Sprinkle with pecans and raisins; drizzle with 1 cup of syrup.
• Bake at 375 for 20-28 minutes or until golden brown. Cool 15 minutes. Meanwhile, remove covers from icing microwave on medium for 10 to 15 seconds.
• Drizzle icing over top; sprinkle with powdered sugar or drizzle with more syrup.