Rachel Ray is the spawn of Santa

One of the things I hate about Rachel Ray, besides everything, is the amount of dishes her recipes take to make. I’ve blogged in the past about what a crock of pooh her “30-minute recipes” are. While they might be tasty, they certainly take more than 30 minutes to make…unless you happen to have a staff of sous chefs waiting at your beckon call with all your chopped up veggies and meats and stuff.

Jed’s mom bought me Rachel’s “Big Orange Book” for Christmas and I’ve made a couple of the recipes this weekend. Tasty, yes. But the clean-up has taken a better part of the weekend for each meal. I didn’t get a photo of the first dinner, but I did catch the aftermath.

Saturday night’s dinner was Shepherd’s pie with a grilled shrimp tomato salad with a horseradish yogurt dressing. The dinner was delicious. The dishes were a pain in the ass.

Tonight I made a Philly Cheesesteak macaroni and cheese with a Romaine/pepper/artichoke salad drizzled with a balsamic vinegarette dressing. Again, the food was the bomb digity bomb bomb, but seriously, can’t Rachel cook anything without using every pot/dish/utensil in my house?

Was it worth it?

You betcha.

Another thing I’ve noticed is her book is full of errors. Both recipes I’ve made from her book had errors. For example, in the Shepherd’s pie I was supposed to start by crisping 5 pieces of bacon and then set aside. Done. But nowhere in the rest of the recipe did it say where it was supposed to be added back in. I ended up crumbling it up and sticking it in the meat mixture…but in hindsight, I wish I would have crumbled it up and mixed it in with the bleu cheese mashed potatoes before putting it all up under the broiler. Next time, the bacon is going in the mashed potatoes. Tonight’s dinner called for 2 cups of shredded Provolone cheese. In the Bechamel it called to mix 1 ½ cups of the shredded cheese with the sauce. Then for the grand finale it called to “spread the remaining 1 ½ cups of shredded provolone” over the top of the mac before putting it under the broiler. My 4.0 tells me that 1 ½ and 1 ½ equals THREE cups, not two. You’d think the devil would have better editors.

December Challenge Day 31

DEAR BESSIE I’m glad this month is OVER!

So I sorta made the challenge, eh? I missed only a day or two? Not bad.

The boys and I had a great day. We started off the morning returning all of our duplicate Christmas gifts. The only frustration was at Best Buy trying to exchange season 4 of Oz for Season 6. They only wanted to credit me the “lowest advertised price” for the set and have me pay the difference DESPITE the fact that both sets were the same price. They said that since I didn’t have the receipt they had to assume that it was bought at the sales price. I said, “With that logic I have to assume that season 6 was on sale the same time season 4 was on sale and purchased therefore I shouldn’t have to pay the difference”. They didn’t see it that way, so I still have two sets of season 4 of hot prison love.

We made our “magic wands” later in the morning. Honestly the boys had more fun throwing confetti around the dining room than they did actually helping me out with the project. I have it all on video and I’ll be posting that in a bit…more on that later.

We took lunch up to Poppa at work and had lunch with him. At this point the boys were beginning their morning melt-down, so I rushed home and the three of us took a nap.

We made pizza for dinner and then the four of us hoped on the #5 to head downtown for “First Night” festivities. It’s Austin’s NYE celebration. I noticed earlier in the week they had built this huge, gorgeous 3-story wooden clock down on Auditorium shores. I heard on the news that it was a “resolution clock” that was basically an effigy to resolutions that was set to be set ablaze at 8 this evening. I was partly disappointed they were going to torch it, cuz it was that nice, but I was also excited for the boys to see it. We ass u med the bus would be a better, safer, option for us to get downtown…and we wouldn’t have to fight for parking. As it turns out, the buses were on “parade route”, therefore they dropped us off at 12^th and Congress and we had to hoof it the 13 blocks to auditorium shores. We made the most of it.

After having family fun down at First Night, I decided I’d rather catch a pedicab to get back to 12^th rather than carry the 35 lb. boys all the way back up there. I don’t know how or why, but Jed and I always manage to find the ONE pedicab driver that can’t support our weight. Seriously, we could have gotten back to the Capital faster on foot, but it was nice not having to carry the kids. AND it didn’t hurt the cabbie was on the cuter side (and I use that term loosely, cuz none of them were all that!). He got us back just in time for us to see our bus drive right past us. So we had to sit and wait 30 minutes for the next one. We ended up not getting home until 1030…WAY past the boys bedtime and, honestly, after mine.

I FINALLY figured out a way to get around with the problem I’ve been having with editing my videos lately. I’m bummed I haven’t been able to post or send our Christmas day video to my folks (or my interwebs stalkers) yet…but I’ve been having problems with my program. I was having the same frustrating problems editing the videos I took today and ended up downloading a different (older) version of the software and it seems to be working now. HOWEVER, as it’s 1137 in the pm, I’m too tired to work on it tonight…so I’ll get it out when I can.

It’s been a real pleasure getting to know some of you better throughout this past year. Looking forward to writing more for you and reading more of you. Hope you and yours have a safe and happy new year.

And with that, the challenge is O-V-E-R!!! YAAAAAY ME!

December Challenge Day 29

So I’m a failure. I failed the challenge. I hang my head in shame. Perhaps picking a busy holiday month was not the brightest idea I ever had.

We had a very busy weekend. As I mentioned we made a trip to Ikea on Saturday and bought a new table and some chairs. LOVE it. The problem with me and Ikea is that Ikea becomes a drug for me and I can’t get enough of it. So we went back on Sunday…and bought even more furniture and stuff. I’ve officially spent a fortune. AND spent even more hours putting everything together yesterday.

Yia Yia decided to go back home to Galveston early yesterday. Apparently I was an asshole on Saturday and got into a disagreement with Jed (in front of her). And apparently conflict is uncomfortable. In MY family we often get into disagreements, heated at times, with each other in front of each other. The tide rises and then falls, immediately and life moves on. THIS is NOT how it works in Jed’s family. So I’m an asshole and I made it uncomfortable in my house. Apologies.

The weekend wasn’t a total loss. With YY here, Jed and I were able to go out for a date night on Saturday (EVEN AFTER THE ASSHOLERY). We went to the movies and got to see our first non-animated film in a year. We saw “Milk”, and I enjoyed it. I had heard the story of Harvey before and even seen “The Life of Harvey Milk”. But what I didn’t know was what happened to the ancillary players after the fact. (IOW: What ever happened to Dan White?) Glad to know he took care of himself.

Today was a semi-return to normalcy. I over-slept this morning so I was late getting Adrian and Nathan back to “school”. School is technically out until 1/5, but Adrian is enrolled in an Extend-A-Care program for the rest of the holiday week and Nathan is in daycare during the day until both of them start back in real school. I found out when I dropped Nathan off at daycare that they’re closed Wednesday through Friday this week. WHO THE HELL HAS THAT MUCH TIME OFF? I guess me.

One thing I’m a bit bummed out about with Jed’s mom going home is I had bought a 15 pound ham for NYE dinner…and now there’s just the four of us to eat it. I’m thrilled I’ll have enough ham left over for ham and eggs, scalloped potatoes, etc…but the prospect of eating 15 pounds of ham leaves me feeling a bit gassy and unclean.

Sorry this rambled. That’s kind of how I’m feeling today…a bit scrambled.

December Challenge Day 21

Folks, I gotta make this quick! I can't believe I almost missed it today. Curses, where has my day gone...

(tick tick tick tick)

I got to sleep in a bit this morning. Jed and I split the weekends so each of us get to sleep in late at least one day a week. And by late, I mean I didn't have to get up at 530 this morning, I got to sleep until 615. The very first thing I did when I woke up this morning was run to Target for my 113th time this week. You know it's bad when the person who checks you out (er, uh, rings you up) A) says, "HI (F)REDDY" when you walk up to the register and B) is the same cashier that rang you up at 1030 the night before. BUT since today WAS Sunday AND the start of a new sales circular week I felt it was necessary to run up there to find anything I may be missing. NOT TO MENTION I still hadn't found the gifties for Cousin Ash's husband, Derwood. WHAT TO YOU BUY AN ACCTUARY? Every place I've been is out of hand stitched leather pocket protectors...so I was a little lost. I FINALLY got a text message from Ash about som Wii games he wanted, so I ran up there to see if I could find them. NO SUCH LUCK. I DID happen to notice, however, that the Dual Screen DVD players that I found on Black Friday for $88 that immediately went up to $164 the hour following Black Friday were back on sale for $83. I went ahead and bought it as a back up gift just in case I couldn't find the Wii games anywhere. The thing is, ASH is the one who wanted the DVD player for the car, NOT Derek.

I went home and loaded up the family and we drove to Columbus to drop Adrian off with grandma. Relax bitches. Columbus, Texas, not Columbus, Crazy. We had a delightful lunch at Schoebles (pronounced "Shy-bulls" for you Yankee folks), seriously, it was FANTASTIC. We couldn't get Adrian and his crap out of the car fast enough before we got back on the road to come back to Austin.

We stopped at the South Austin Wally World, the ONLY place I could find on-line inventory listings that had the Wii Game Donald wants for Christmas. AS A BONUS, the game was on sale in the store for cheaper than it was on the web. Daniel better be DAMN happy with this game for as much as I did to get him something HE wanted!Got home and napped with the bug while Jed visited with our dear sweet Heath-O (Pronounced "Heath-O" for you Yankee folk).

When I woke up I ran some errands in this order:

Furniture in the Raw: We've been looking for a new dining room set. We found one we really liked there in November for about $180 (for the table) and $80/ea. for the chairs. There was a commercial on T.V. last night that the entire store was 50% off...so I went. I, jokingly, said to Jed on the way to Columbus (TEXAS) this morning that I'd be willing to bet my third testicle that the store marked their prices up 85% to give 50% off. AND I WASN'T TOO FAR OFF. The table that we liked A MONTH AGO was marked up to $999 with a 50% off sale price of $499. STILL $210 MORE than it was originally a month ago. OH, and those chairs. Today's price $274/ea. marked 50% off. FUCK YOU furniture in the raw, fuck you very much.

HEB: Jed asked for Chicken Pot Pie for dinner tonight. After I pulled the car out of the ditch I drove into when he said it I said, "OKAY", without giving him a chance to change his mind. Cuz TRUST me when I say my boo ain't a chicken pot pie kind of guy. Perhaps it had something to do with the bitter cold weather this morning???

Target: AGAIN. For real. I've been to Target 3 times today and I think "Ryan" the cashier thinks I'm stalking him. But I had to return the DVD player and buy Jed some fru-fru peppermint flavored mocha frappasumthing.

Crestview IGA: I was outta beer and there was a little girl in there selling fresh hot tamales that I bought...

Dinner was just getting out of the oven when I got home and Heath-O joined us for a family dinner. Out of habit we grabbed the "guest chair" for her place at the table and then we all realized Adrian wasn't there. BOO HOO. So quiet in our house tonight.

I wrapped 513 Christmas presents tonight while we listened to Christmas music and Jed asked me how much a GPS unit costs these days. It was while looking on-line that I realized I hadn't entertained you people yet today...and so here I am.

What a super fantastic weekend. Hope y'alls was swell too. Gearing up for an UN-believably busy holiday week. But you know what? I'm blessed with a super fantastic family and a great group of friends (both IRL and IIL)...so it's all worth every second that I don't have to myself.

December Challenge Day 16

I’ve had a really weird day. I woke up in a surprisingly fantastic mood following a night of restless sleep. I’m not sure why I didn’t sleep well. The boys and I had a great morning. There were few spills at breakfast. No tears while getting dressed and getting off to school.

I should back up about 13 hours before I woke up…

Everyone knows we’ve been having behavioral issues with Adrian at school. These past two weeks have been horrible. We had worked out an “improvement plan” with his teacher, wherein she was supposed to fill out a daily calendar and send it home every night so we could see exactly where it was he was falling down on his behavior. Jed had ANOTHER parent/teacher conference with her this past Friday, and I guess since she had met with him she decided it wasn’t worth sending a daily report home. According to Adrian he had a “good day” on Friday. When I dropped him off at school yesterday she said he, in fact, hadn’t had a good Friday. When I picked him up yesterday he again, was missing his daily report. His after school peeps reported he had a fantastic afternoon and was very well behaved. Since his folder wasn’t in his backpack I asked him how his day was. He said it was “good” and that he “listened to his teacher”. I took him at his word, and we had a great evening. We went to the store and bought a gingerbread men(s) kit to take to his class for a fun project and ordered a tray of sammiches for his holiday party tomorrow afternoon. We had a great night.

So back to this morning…

As I said, I was in a surprisingly good mood when I woke up this morning. I took him to school and went in with the gingerbread kit. When I got to the classroom I handed it to her and mentioned how I saw it and thought it’d be fun for the class. I also mentioned how I had ordered the sammiches for the party and she said, “Oh thank you so much. Not many parents signed up for stuff and I was worried. I really appreciate it…” and in the same breath, without skipping a beat, she dropped her chin to her chest and her eyes to the ground and said, “Did Jed get my message about yesterday”? And I was clueless, but knew that I was fixing to get the wind full on blasted out of my sails. I told her I didn’t think so because he hadn’t said anything to me about a phone call from her. And then she went into a tirade about what a complete and total shit Adrian was yesterday. I swear to god I went from 70 to 0 in 1.7 seconds. She also told me that she had to send him to the principal, who then sent him to the counselor, who decided it would be best for both of us to come in again to talk to the teacher, the principal, AND the counselor. I looked at Adrian and said, “You told me you had a good day yesterday”. And he just looked like he was going to cry. And so I told him to not worry about it, we’d discuss it later. I told him to have a good day and to try as hard as he could to be a good boy today.

So I was ten-shades of pissed for getting bamboozled while in my good mood. While I take responsibility for my son’s behavior, I was mostly angry that if she was having issues with my child that she needed to follow through with HER responsibilities and commitments. Why the fuck didn’t she send a note home with her “issues”? I steamed for a better part of the day. I can’t tell you what being told what a horrible child your son is EVERY SINGLE DAY does to you. I get filled with anxiety EVERY SINGLE DAY that I have to take him to and pick him up from school. I can’t stand to walk in that building any more. I can’t stand forcing him to go into a place I know he CLEARLY isn’t enjoying.

So I picked him up this afternoon, hole in my stomach, filled with anxiety. I got him from extend-a-care and Mr. Hottie Bobby came up and said that Adrian had a FANTASTIC afternoon; he was really well behaved; and he was just a joy to be around today. I grabbed Adrian’s backpack and I’ll be fucked to ever loving tears if his mother fucking notebook wasn’t in there again today. So I asked Bobby if he knew how his morning was and Bobby said his teacher didn’t mention anything about it. She, of course, leaves at fucking 2 o’clock every day, so there’s no fucking chance for me to talk to her about whether or not he behaved today. I asked Adrian how his day was and he, as always, says it was “good” and that he listened to his teacher. And, as usual, I have to take him at his word.

To say I was livid when I got home is an understatement. I am so angry with his teacher right now. One would think that in this time when WE are supposed to be getting HIS behavior in check that SHE would take the fucking ONE MINUTE A DAY to fill out his fucking calendar with a SYMBOL representative of how his hours went. It’s not rocket science the routine we’ve come up with. It’s a fucking calendar with ONE HOUR TIME BLOCKS through a regular day and she either puts a “STAR” for “excellent behavior”; a “SMILEY” for “pretty good behavior, minimal redirection needed”; a “STERN FACE” for “not to good, but not horrible. Needed lots of redirection”; or a “FROWN FACE” for “I wanted to kill him”. IT’S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE. WHY IS IT SO FUCKING DIFFICULT TO MAKE SURE IT COMES HOME EACH DAY?

The negative side to this frustration is it (I KNOW THIS IS WHERE I FAIL AS A PARENT AND A PARTNER) makes me take it out on MY FAMILY. When Jed got home I was angry, and loud talking about my frustration. And while it isn’t directed AT HIM, it comes off as me attacking him. And regardless of what the boys do I find myself being hypersensitive to their behavior and overreacting for the most ridiculous of tiny offenses. PERFECT EXAMPLE: I asked Adrian to sit in a chair and watch Suess’s “Grinch” when we got home. After the third time of him getting up and walking around I flew off the proverbial handle and put him in his pajamas and told him to go to bed…AT FIVE FORTY FIVE IN THE EVENING. I KNOW my reaction wasn’t rational. But I don’t know how else to get him to “listen” to his teacher…or me.

The thing is, I don’t have a problem with Adrian and his behavior. BOBBY doesn’t have a problem with Adrian and his behavior. NOBODY has a problem with Adrian and his behavior EXCEPT FOR HIS TEACHER. She’s THE ONLY person who can’t connect with him and get him to “perform” for her. And I don’t know where the disconnect is. This whole school experience has turned me into a monster and I don’t know what to do about it. So Adrian is in his room in his pajamas in his bed crying…and I’m in the kitchen feeling like a shitty parent.

I don’t want to “out kid” the kids. I WANT them to enjoy the best parts of their lives…their childhood. I don’t want my child to respect me because he fears me, I want my child to respect me because I’VE EARNED HIS RESPECT. I failed my son as a parent today. Today I don’t feel like I’ve earned anything except for a hot steamy pile of shit in my mouth.

Eventually I had Jed play “good cop” and go get Adrian out of his bed. We had a wonderful family dinner. And I tried to refocus and end the day on a positive note. After dinner, Adrian and I…

Made a Gingerbread House…and reconnected…and made the best out an incredibly shitty day.

Enjoy.

December Challenge Day 13

I’ve had my tits slung over the stove ALL friggin’ day. Well, except for that hour I had to go hang with the straighties this morning followed by the hour at the grocery market followed by the hour and a half nap with the kids. With the exception of THOSE few precious hours, I’ve been in the kitchen ALL EFFIN’ day. Did we rewind to Thanksgiving? It sure feels like it.

So I wanted to put some drivel out for you, the ones who are expecting me to fail miserably in the challenge. I figure if I get this put out by midnight on the west coast, I’ve complied with the rules of the challenge.

TOP CHEF:

Cuz I’m a…

Anyway, so I spent the day in the kitchen finalizing 2/3 of the treats that I’m making for the holidays for friends, teachers, Jed’s co-workers, etc. The kids helped me out a bunch, and had a lot of fun. We made about 12 pounds of spicy pretzels; chocolate covered pretzels (they didn’t turn out too pretty, but, as Adrian said, “Drizzlin’ chocolate is the shit, pops”; chocolate covered Oreos (again, drizzle baby, drizzle); and 18 pounds of caramel corn. I’ve still got a little bit left to do tomorrow, but…hopefully it won’t take me the entire again. I’ve gone through a minimum of 180 Ziplock baggies; 28 sticks of butter; 8 pounds of brown sugar; 6 pounds of chocolate; and a gallon of corn syrup. I’ve literally used more butter today than I have all of last year.

Cinderfella, Cinderfella, all he hears is Cinderfella:

The boys played hurricane Ike in their room today, minus the water. The room looked like a bomb had gone off. Jed cleaned it three times. On the third time, he decided to start pulling toys out, leaving each boy with 5 toys. There’s a little anger in the house tonight. The boys are angry cuz they only have 5 toys each. Jed’s angry cuz he had to be the Grinch who stole the gifts of Christmas past.

Toilet madness:

I don’t know how often the rest of the planet goes through toilet seats, but I seem to be cursed with the shittest toilet seats in America. I have, no kidding, replaced my toilet seat a minimum of 4 times in the last year. For some reason the rim keeps cracking and breaking. NOW, in case anyone is interested, I did NOT change the toilet seat today while I was doing all my cooking…but it IS on my list of shit to do tomorrow.

Satan Clause:

The shopping is officially done folks! After we had dinner last night, Jed sent me to Toys R Crap for the “Sale of the CENTURY”. He was off all day on Friday and said several times throughout the day they were advertising on the television Toys R Us’s biggest sale of the year. Jed said, “The whole store is 40-75% off”. While he was shopping throughout the day, looking for gifts for the boys, I had given him a $40 each/boy limit on the gifts. Honestly folks, we’re about to get SO MUCH STUFF over the next two weeks from all the family/friends that the thought of where to put it all has already overwhelmed me. That said, I didn’t see the need to go and buy a bunch of stuff of our own, because by the time all the gifts are opened, the boys are going to be so distracted they’re not going to care who got them what. I did buy two special gifts from Santa…

I have to say, sending ME to Toy’s R Us by myself isn’t a good idea, at all. The place is a grown up kid’s wet dream. I found so much stuff that I couldn’t live without. I ended up getting Nate some dinosaurs. The kid is REALLY into dinosaurs lately. I got Adrian a really cool kids keyboard that plugs into a regular computer and it’s got a drawing pad on the side with an electronic pen. It’s supposed to help him learn how to write and read. I have a feeling what it’s REALLY going to do is eat up some of my precious computra time. I had a lot more stuff in my basket, but I ended up putting a lot back cuz I didn’t want to go crazy.

I’m really so tired that’s all I can think of at the moment. This will have to do for day number 13, I’ll try to do better tomorrow.

December Challenge Day 10

WARNING: THIS MAY BE THE MOST DISGUSTING THING YOU’VE EVER SEEN WRITTEN BY ME. IF YOU HAVE A WEAK CONSTITUTION OR ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF EATING ANYTHING YOU MAY WANT TO JUST CLOSE YOUR BROWSER AND NOT CONTINUE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

So those of you following me on the Twitters are aware that one of my crowns fell off on Sunday evening. I was lucky enough to catch it and washed it off good and scrubbed my stub of a tooth left in my mouth and popped it back on. I had planned on calling the dentist on Monday to have it recemented in place.

Monday was busy. I never got around to making the call. Between studying for my brutal math test and filling out the 380-some odd Christmas cards I had to send out, I just didn’t have the time. I planned to call on Tuesday.

Tuesday was equally busy. As I was mid-dial, I got a pop up notification on my phone reminding me of an appointment I had with Nate’s speech therapist. So I had to do that instead. While back in my office eating my Church’s fried chicken for lunch, my crown popped off again. I went to the bathroom, brushed it off, rinsed my mouth, and plopped the crown back in place. I said in my head that I would call on Wednesday.

I got home from work and made dinner for the fam. We were having one of my personal favorites, Sloppy (F)reddy’s with steak fries. Dinner done, sat down and did “Yaaaay family” with the kids. I took a bite of my sammich, washed it down with some fries. I stuck another bite in and noticed something didn’t feel right. I’ll be go to hell if I didn’t swallow my fucking crown. It was gone. Nowhere to be found in my mouth.

Jed looked at me and asked what was wrong. I told him I had just swallowed my crown. He asked if I was okay. I said that I was. But then I had dollar signs running through my head. I didn’t want to have to pay $2000 for another crown. Not this close to the holidays. And so I weighed my options.

Jed asked if it would come out with my poop. And I said that it would. But I asked, “Do I really want to stick a crown back in my mouth that came out my ass”? And he said, “You could boil it in hot water first”. And I thought, “Huh. He’s right”.

But that was just a little too much for me. I’m cheap, and I hate going to the dentist with all my heart and soul, but my cheapness only goes so far. AND, sometimes I get lucky and I get “the cute” dentist at my local dental barn.

I decided the best course of action would be to get it back immediately rather than waiting for it come out my bunghole. I went in the bathroom and grabbed a bucket. I certainly didn’t want to throw my crown up in the toilet and then have to flush it out of there. Coming out my asshole would have been cleaner. So down on the floor I started shoving my fingers down my throat trying to induce vomiting. After a few heavy heaves, I only amassed a few blobs of spittle. More drastic measures were needed.

I ran up to my local Walgreen’s and picked me up a jar of ipecac syrup. That shit’s tasty, yo. For real. Back in the bathroom I took a good tablespoon and a half. It was slightly more than required by label, but I had 40 minutes to get to school. After taking the dose, I re-read the label and it said, “If vomiting doesn’t occur within 30 minutes, call physician”. SHIT! I DIDN’T HAVE 30 MINUTES. I had to be to school in 40.

So I grabbed my bucket again and went in the bedroom, locked the door, and got horizontal on the bed on my stomach with my head hanging over the bed. And I proceeded to induce vomiting the Karen Carpenter way, by shoving my balled up fist down my throat.

I learned some things last night:
· I’m so cheap that I would rather vomit a crown to have re-cemented in my mouth than pay $2000 for a new one.
· I’m fear dentist…but it didn’t take the experience to realize that.
· I could never be a bulimic.
· My gag reflex isn’t nearly as shallow as I thought.
· Syrup of ipecac is actually quite tasty going down.
· “Last down” doesn’t mean “first up”.
· Church’s chicken remains in your stomach longer than 6 hours.
· I REALLY need to chew up my food better instead of swallowing large pieces.
· The spicy coating on Church’s chicken burns the fuck out of your sinus cavity when it is projected upwards at a high velocity.
· LONG after you vomit everything in your stomach, your crown STILL may not have come back up.
· If you ARE going to be bulimic, it’s a good idea to have a towel at your side, because when your fingers get coated with vomit and become slippery, it’s harder to hit that gag reflex when you’re fingers are sliding around.
· Dentist’s offices aren’t open after 5.
· Dogs will it ANYTHING.

So I never got the crown back. Not that I could see anyway. Now I’m waiting for Jed to make my morning coffee so I can run to the toilet and see what comes out that end. And then I’m going to work and calling my dental barn to see if I can get in this morning to spend the boy’s Christmas gift money on my mouth.

Brush your teeth, folks. And don’t forget to floss.

Side note: For those who don’t already know, I netted my first A of the semester in my English Comp II class. The boy is pretty AND smart…and kind write, too. Final tonight in Algebra…I won’t need much luck on it, cuz I’m the smartest geezer in the class…and I’m not just saying that because of my large ego. Professor hottie actually TOLD me so.

December Challenge Day 6

We were on our way out to dinner last night when we picked up Adrian at school. Not only did he have the shittiest day ever in class (teacher wants ANOTHER parent/teacher conference to discuss his behavior issues), but he also apparently died at the bowling alley in Extend-A-Care for acting like an asshole and the entire group of kids on the field-trip were forced to end their “fun time” early and go back to the school. The three adults were in tears when we got to the school to pick him up because they say he hit the ground face first with such force that they thought he may have fractured a vertebrae or something. I was so angry about his behavior in school that we cancelled our dinner plans and went home instead. I felt like a dick for punishing him after he had a “nearly life-ending experience”, but I sent him to bed…at 6pm…without any dinner…and a stern lecture. Our fun family night out, therefore, ended up being a sack of burgers from What-a-Burger and watching Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer with Nathan while Adrian cried himself to sleep.

This morning Adrian and I were in much better frames of mind. We had a discussion about his shitty behavior through the week, as well as whether or not he was actually hurt from his near death experience. He said that it didn’t even really hurt when he fell. Oh well.

We went to our regularly scheduled Campfire meetings. It had been our first in a few weeks with all the Thanksgiving/Oklahoma travel. (It’s only once a week, IT’S ONLY ONCE A WEEK)

Afterwards I sent Jed to the theater with Nathan to see Bolt again while I kept Adrian home with me. Perhaps I’m punishing him too much? But I don’t know what else to do to get through to him other than putting a remote control shock collar on him and giving the remote to his teacher for Christmas. I’m not really sure what the deal is. I know how he is when I drop him off at school…my sweet little loveable Adrian. But something happens to him between 730 am and 1030 am and his body, mind, and mouth are taken over by Satan.

So after campfire Adrian and I went and did our weekly grocery shopping AND we bought all the supplies to make our Christmas gifts for various teachers/teacher aides/co-workers, etc. I bought TEN bags of pretzels y’all. For real. I loves pretzels. BUT, these ain’t for me, sadly. I’m doing my oft requested asshole burning spicy pretzels (I keep telling folks to eat them first before sticking them up their assholes, but they just don’t learn) and I’m going to make some white/brown chocolate drizzled pretzels as well. A “naughty/nice” pretzel blend, if you will. I also bought stuff to make some slap your momma good caramel corn and cashew brittle and candy cane brittle.

Then we ran to gay-Wal-Mart (Target) to buy some more stuff. We got a last second birthday invitation to one of Adrian’s classmates yesterday (thanks for that advanced warning) at Chuck-e-fucking-Cheese’s of all places. Two of Jed’s knocked up co-workers will be soaking their panties soon, so I got a couple of baby gifts. I got a ton of other shit too that added up to 140 bones, but I can’t honestly remember what it all was. I DO know at one point the cashier was feverishly looking for something and I noticed the screen said “scan gift card now” and she then handed me a $5 giftcard. I asked what it was for, assuming I had been her 100th blow job for the day or something. She said it was because they had merchandise throughout the store that if you bought certain quantities of such you automatically got a giftcard. Apparently the 4 Glade candles I bought netted me a $5 gift card.

So here’s my thought about the current state of financial affairs.

Rather than giving me 5 fucking dollars back for spending $10 on candles, WHY NOT JUST LOWER THE PRICE OF YOUR FUCKING CANDELS BY $1.25? Instead of giving me back $5000 for buying your $32,000 car, WHY NOT JUST PRICE YOUR MERCHANDISE APPROPRTIATELY TO BEGIN WITH? Why bother with 25, 50, or even 75% off sales? Merchants, hear this. WE realize you’re not LOSING money by selling items at 75% off. YOU WOULDN’T BE SELLING IT AT 75% OFF IF IT WERE GOING TO NET YOU A LOSS. Merchants, if you would mark your shit at a reasonable cost to begin with you wouldn’t be having problems getting people through your doors now. Last week I bought two things at Target. I bought a game called “Break the Ice” for Adrian to give to Jed for his birthday. I paid $4 for the game. Today I bought the same game for the party we’re going to tomorrow. I paid $5 for it today. AT BOTH prices Target is still making a profit. AT TWO DOLLARS, Target would probably still make a profit. It infuriates me, ESPECIALLY since I KNOW how much I paid for the fucking game last week the way stores fuck with their prices. MOST INFURIATING…last week I bought a dual screen DVD player for the car (at Target). I paid $88. Jed’s cousin mentioned she wanted one for Christmas. Since I drew her husband’s name for the family gift exchange this year I thought I would get him one. Today, same Target, SAME DVD PLAYER, $164. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Ford, GM, Chrysler, and any of you other greedy business owners out there (Target dude) can go fuck yourselves. Sorry you’re failing, but quit taking advantage of your customer base. Perhaps that’s why you’re failing. Consumers are tired of your shit.

I think I’ve spread enough cheer here. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Oh what a great holiday weekend…so far. You’re most especially welcome for the break from my blog postings since Wednesday. You’ll have to forgive me, I’m not sure what came over me that particular day. I know it wasn’t Jed.

I spent my Wednesday having fun with the kid, who was out of school that day. We ran a bunch of errands during the morning (shopping for poppa’s birthday pressie, which I can tell you, cuz my kitten don’t read my ramblings, was a “Don’t Break The Ice” game that Adrian “just knows poppa is gonna love it”.) I got him a few other things too…a pair of invisible underpants, and a bottle of lube, but I’m sure “Don’t Break The Ice” will be his favorite. For lunch we met Leslie and Jed up at Chipotle for a little burrito action. Side note for you Yankees, there’s no such thing as a “burrito” in Mexico OR Texico. “Burrito” translates into “little ass”, if you will. And not the kind that you make love to, the kind you beat with a riding crop to get him moving with your cart of vegetables you just picked up from the market. So if you think reciting the menu from Taco Bell makes you bilingual, all you’re doing when you order a “burrito” is calling the employee a little ass.

After lunch Adrian and I started working on preparations for the side dishes for Thanksgiving dinner. It was fun for him for about 3 minutes before he washed his hands and went to watch something on the idiot box and left me alone in the kitchen to cook and clean…much like his poppa does now that I mention it. The folks were on their way down from OKC and got caught up in multiple traffic jams. The usual 6 hour trip ended up taking them a little over 10 hours. Needless to say, they weren’t NEARLY as happy to see us when they finally arrived as Nathan was. The squealing of “DAAAAADDDEEEEEE” when he got out of the car made me want to send him to the grandparents EVERY week just to hear him scream my name when he returned. I don’t think the folks even turned the car off. Just dropped the kid off and headed to their hotel.

Thursday morning I woke up at 6 and didn’t leave the kitchen until about 9 that evening. That’s not entirely true…I was allowed out for 20 minutes to eat with everyone before getting back in there and finishing up deserts and loading the dishwasher. It was so nice having the folks on my turf again. Our very good folks, the Fenders, joined us as well. It was good food and great conversation. After lunch dad took a nap with Nathan while Adrian entertained himself and the rest of us played a rousing game of Phase 10. Some interesting conversation came up during the game:

Leslie: Babs, do you know what tattoos your son has?

Babs: Well I know he has a _____ on his arm and a ____ on his _____.

Leslie: Yeah, but what and where’s his third one?

Babs: Uhhhh, I didn’t know he had a third one, but it doesn’t surprise me.

Leslie: Well Jed tried to draw it one night while we were all eating out together and I know what he drew was the tattoo, but it looked like a sea dragon or something and they were both laughing so hard we couldn’t get it out of either one of them what it was.

Babs: A sea dragon, huh?

Leslie: Yeah. Just so you know Babs, when your son dies, I’m most definitely going to be pantsing him at the funeral. I just don’t want you to be alarmed when I’m pulling his pants off him. I’m not a pervert or anything, but I have to know what that tattoo is before he’s put in the ground.

And then, my most favorite conversation.

Babs: (F)reddy, can you show me how to create a MySpace page? I think I want to start a blog.

(F)reddy: (Spewing his beer across the table) WHAT? WHAT ON EARTH WOULD YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT FOR:

Babs: Because I find them entertaining. In fact, I’ve recently found yours and I’ve been quite entertained by your stories. In fact, you know which one of your blogs was my favorite?

Folks. I nearly died. FOR REALS.

Babs: The one where you took pictures of my house and made fun of me on your blog was my favorite!

OH MY GOD.

It took us all a good 20 minutes to stop laughing.

After the Fender’s left mom and I spent a couple of hours on the internet trying to find things she wanted to buy for all the grandkids for Christmas. Having found most of the stuff on Amazon, she was delighted how easy the whole thing was…but then we noticed that Wal-Shart had one of the Madden NFL games on sale for Black Friday morning at about ½ of what it was on line. She asked if I’d take her up there in the morning. I told her I wouldn’t do the “door-buster” thing, but that I’d run her up there so she could get them. So…

Friday morning I woke up at 430, ran to pick her up at the hotel and ran her to do her shopping. Things were not nearly as hectic here as they were in other areas of the country. We got in, got her stuff, and got out. We celebrated with “breakfast” back at the hotel afterwards. I ran home to grab a shower and the family and then met back up with the folks to drive to New Braunfels to hook up with Jed’s family (aunt, uncle, cousins, cousin’s spouses, cousin’s kid, grandmother, and red-headed step-child). From there ALL SIXTEEN OF US caravanned from New Braunfels to Fredericksburg, Texas to do some Hill-Country shopping and eat some German food. We had a lovely time co-mingling the families and choking down some beer and schnitzel. I’m so glad pappy drove on the way home, cuz (F)reddy was a little more than sleepy. When we walked in the house I collapsed in my La-Z-Boy just as my mommy says, “Hey, why don’t you put your tree up”? Huh? What? NOW?

Folks, my house is tiny. It’s 1100 square feet if you’ve got the windows open. Jed and I are big boys. We have two very active toddlers, and two very needy dogs. Add 2 parents who are a little more than twice our sizes, and it’s a very crowded house. So of course I…

Went to the garage and dug out all of our Christmas stuff. Granny wanted to see the boys’ faces as we put up the tree. Moreover, she wanted to take pictures of them “helping me” put the tree up. And, I’ll have to admit, as exhausted as I was, the boys really did have a great time setting up the tree and pulling off the ornaments as I put them on.

Saturday morning we got up early again and met the folks at Waterloo Icehouse of breakie. I had my standard Chicken Fried Steak and eggs with hashbrowns, toast, and copious amounts of coffee. After breakfast was over, we did our kiss n’ cry in the parking lot and said farewell to the folks. Jed and I ran the boys to the theater to see Madagascar 2. It wasn’t as good as the first one, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. After the movie we ran home and I got to take a much needed nap with the boys. After the nap, Jed CHALLENGED me to take Nathan to get his haircut. Never one to back down from a challenge, I accepted.

You should know, Nathan HATES getting his haircut. He considers any hairdressers to be his arch-nemesis. I once saw him (when he was two) snatch the scissors out of a woman’s hand and stab her in the eye with it. Another time, I watched in horror as he grabbed the clippers out of a guy’s hand and shave his balls with them. The hairdresser’s, not Nathan’s (cuz Nate’s only 3 and don’t got no hair on his balls yet.) To say he doesn’t like getting his haircut is an understatement. You would think Nathan is Superman and haircuts are his kryptonite. OR, you could simply believe that Nathan is Sampson. We just don’t take him that often because it is THAT horrible of an experience. The woman today certainly did a fantastic job AND deserved EVERY CENT of her 120% tip. I REALLY hope her hair grows back quickly, and I’m VERY sorry for handing him the lighter AND the hairspray at the same time.



Tonight I made some Turkey Tetrazini for dinner with some of the left over turkey. It was delicious. But now I’m tired. I’m sure not half as tired as you are reading this, but tired nonetheless. I have one more day tomorrow to “relax”…but it’ll be spent studying for my last week of school. That’s good for you, cuz it gives you a week to read all this crap.

(F)at (F)reddy's Thanksgiving Holiday Menu

Folks, it ain’t easy maintaining this panda bear shape. It takes a lot of planning, a lot of shopping, and a lot of cooking.

I have so much to be thankful for every day of my life. I’m not going to go balls to the wall crazy like Blair and list all 25 things I’m thankful for. I bet you folks who reads this are thankful for that, eh? (F)reddy sparing you another “list”? I think it’s quite obvious what I’m thankful for, just by the shit that I write. In case you’re wondering, I’m quite thankful for each of you taking the time to read this crap too. So instead of a list today, I give you my menu of what’s for dinner today…and I hope each of you have a fantastic day with your loved ones…or by yourselves if that’s what you have chosen to do.

APPETEASER(S):

Stuffing stuffed mushrooms

Pre-fab French onion dip with Fritos y Ruffles for dippers (cuz I’m lazy like that).

DUH!

Turkey

Dinner Rolls

SIDES:

Slap Yo Mama Good Sweet Potato Casserole (From my BFF, Kay…she may have stolen my title, but the recipe is ALL hers!)

Broccoli Rice casserole

Green Bean casserole (BFF, Leslie, is bringing it…so wish us luck!)

Mashed Taters (skins on, cuz if you eat taters in my house you’ll eat them with skins on or you’ll get the fuck out).

Stuffing (both stuffed in the birds ass AND a casserole…just to be sure there’s plenny)

DESERT:

Standard pumpkin pies (x2)

Luscious Four-Layer Pumpkin Cake

Apple Pie (Again, Leslie is bringing, but she says it’s from Marie Callender’s, so we probably won’t die)

Happy Holidays y’all. Yo, for reals.

The Bug

Our sweet little bug is cursed with one of those shitty birthdays. Not nearly as bad as Christmas day, but pretty darned close. Last year his birthday fell ON Thanksgiving day. There were exactly three people here for his second birthday party…me, Jed, and Adrian. We felt like awesome parents that year. Fortunately he wasn’t old enough to realize how bad his party sucked. Jed and I decided we’d start celebrating his birthday on my birthday to be sure folks would be around to help him celebrate. After all, lerd knows I’ve had plenty of times to celebrate over the years, now it’s time to pass the torch.

Today we celebrated our birthdays together. I got to spend my birthday morning sleeping in and was greeted by a fantastic, albeit out of tune, version of “Happy Birthday Daddy” by the boys. THEN, I got my annual supply of socks n’ undies that I ask for ALONG with a pair of super swell Superman pajama bottoms, cuz I rock like that. Then I went to my lil’ neighborhood coffee shop to get my morning Joe. Shortly afterwards Jed’s mom and Aunt Jan came to play with us for the day. We started with a yummy lunch at Amaya’s Taco Village with some hot delicious chicken enchiladas. Then while Yia Yia, Jed and Adrian went shopping for party supplies, Jan and I stayed home while Nathan napped and we watched the UT game.

Late in the afternoon we had a house FULL of friends and extended family come by to celebrate Naterbug’s birthday with pizza and juice (and beer!).



Everyone took turns taking swings at the requisite piñata





Followed by a version of “pin the tail on the donkey” called “stick the nose on the lion”.



Then we ate birthday cake. Our friend Beth made the Elmo cake and I made the strawberry layered chocolate cake with chocolate icing and strawberries on top.





We wrapped the evening up with opening more presents than any 1 three year old would ever need in his life.



I can’t speak for Nathan, but this has been a really fantastic birthday.

Feeding a family for $20/day?

I recently read on MSNBC that some governor somewhere was trying an experiment where she was trying to prove the failures of the state’s food stamp program that only paid out $20/day for families. She was talking about how impossible it was to feed a family of 4 on $20/day. I’m curious what planet she’s from. My calculations put that at $608.33/month for a family of four, and for my family we’d be able to eat like kings for $608/month. MY family food budget (FOR A FAMILY OF FOUR…PLUS 2 dogs AND BEER FOR DADDY!) is a mere FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH. Sure, we don’t eat a lot of steaks…but if you’ve ever seen pictures of us, we ain’t starving either. Perhaps a better idea, rather than whining about how “impossible” it is to feed a family of four for $20/day, this governor needs to be educated on HOW to feed a family of four for $13.15/day. It CAN be done. It CAN be fun.

This MIGHT be the story I'm thinking about...

Batter Splatter

Normally when I think of blasting my batter I think of Christopher Meloni making sweet prison love in Oz:



I was a little tickled this past weekend when walking through the dairy aisle of my local HEB when I came across a new product. I had to buy it, cuz I didn’t have my phone handy to just take a picture:



It’s an “organic” Batter Blaster, read: Pancake/Waffle batter in a can, much like a cheese whiz can, or a can of whipping cream. Is this product really necessary? What’s wrong with making your pancakes the old fashioned way?



Or better yet, the REAL way? I’m sure many folks don’t realize this, but before heavily processed foods, people actually used to make their own pancake mixes. (I’ll share mine with you at the end of this).

So I woke up early with the kids on Saturday and Adrian wanted some waffles. I was just getting ready to get the box out of the freezer when I remembered Christopher Meloni splattering his pancake batter on my chin. I dug out our waffle iron and dusted it off, and grabbed the Batter Blaster out of the fridge. 5 minutes to heat up the iron and then I pressed the nozzle:



It was simple…effortless. A few minutes in the iron and:



It was so simple that each kid got two and I even got one. (The can CLAIMS “30 silver-dollar sized pancakes”…or in the case of my family, 6 waffles). They were a’ight. In fact, Adrian loved them:



But I’m still not convinced this product was necessary. My dad, “Pappy (F)”, is the world’s greatest pancake/waffle chef. I don’t know if it’s because he makes them with lurve in his heart, or the ¼ cup of butter that goes on top of each waffle/pancake he produces. Maybe it’s a combination of the two? I thought he would take his world famous pancake recipe to the grave with him and I was always afraid to ask. My balls dropped last summer and I finally asked him for it. ALL these years I thought my pappy was a genius (and he may very well still be).

2 ½ Cups of flour
1 Tablespoon sugar
4 Teaspoons baking powder
¼ Teaspoon salt
2½ Cups milk
½ Cup oil
2 eggs
1 Tablespoon vanilla
And, of course, butter and syrup.

Wha? You don’t just add water? Dear Bessie. But wait a minute…MANY (if not all) of these ingredients are common household ingredients. You mean YOU can have hot delicious waffles for PENNIES rather than buying a can of Christopher Meloni love? Oh…just in case some of you are going to try pappy’s recipe, and are sticklers for rules, I feel I should point out that you actually have to COOK the batter referenced above. Don’t just mix it up and eat it…you’ll be disappointed.

French Kiss

I don't enjoy getting up early in the mornings anymore, at all. But when I do, I love making breakfast with the kids. This is one of my favorites to make for them, because it's easy and they can help with it...and they love it. I found it on the Pillsbury website a couple of years ago and have adjusted it a bit to suit the needs of MY family (IE: RASINS AND PECANS!!!) But you can do with it what you want. My family calls it "French Kissed Toast", but you can call it whatever you want...even DELICIOUS!

1/4 cup butter

2 cans Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls with icing

6 eggs

1/2 cup heavy whipping cream

2 tsp cinnamon2 tsp vanilla

1 cup chopped pecans

1 cup maple syrup

1 cup raisins

FRESH Strawberries

• Heat oven to 375. Pour melted butter into ungreased baking dish. Separate dough, cut each roll into 8 pieces. Place pieces over butter in dish.
• In medium bowl, beat eggs, beat in cream, cinnamon, and vanilla until well blended; gently pour over roll pieces. Sprinkle with pecans and raisins; drizzle with 1 cup of syrup.
• Bake at 375 for 20-28 minutes or until golden brown. Cool 15 minutes. Meanwhile, remove covers from icing microwave on medium for 10 to 15 seconds.
• Drizzle icing over top; sprinkle with powdered sugar or drizzle with more syrup.

Teasing and combing my white trash roots

When I was a wee lad, we were PWT. There’s no doubt about it. My dad was a military dad; got a very little paycheck in exchange for serving his country. While it wasn’t enough to cover “rent”, our housing was paid for by Uncle Sam. So the pennies that he received month after month paid for groceries, electricity, car, and little else. I don’t ever recall “suffering” as a child. I distinctly recall vacations. In fact, living in Europe for so long was sort of LIKE a vacation. I distinctly remember getting my G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip and the Steve Austin a/k/a Six Million Dollar Man (with the roll-up sleeve of “skin” on his arm so you could see his bionics) for the holidays or birthdays. I had a bike. None of the three of us (me n’ my sibs) “suffered” without. The one area where we did suffer, however, was eating. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t attain this distinct panda-bear shape by starving my whole life. We ate. But what the hell was that shit?

B.J. (or “Before Jed”) I dated a boy named Kerry. Kerry also grew up PWT on a cotton farm in Lubbock, Texas. To entertain ourselves we decided once a month that one of us would make one of the most awfulest dinners from our childhoods that we could remember and called it “White trash dinner night”. It was fun times. I couldn’t play this same game with Jed, because Jed grew up on Galveston Island, and everyone knows that if it’s an “Island”, it can be trashy. Right? Wrong. In fact, Jed and I do experience some of the more favorite culinary disasters from his childhood too. Yes boo kat. You’re not escaping my blog!

I’ll begin the humiliation with myself. While growing up, my mother could make 3 things, and only 3 things. It’s no secret that the cooking duties were left to my father. Some people just weren’t meant to cook, and Barb was one of those people. One of her specialties was “Spam Salad”. Why they called it a “salad”, I’ll never know. There wasn’t one redeeming healthy quality about this “salad”. It had everyone’s favorite canned meat product; a hefty helping of mayonnaise and egg yolks; noodles, peas, and oh yes, did I mention a full-cup of mayonnaise? Her other dish was “Tuna Salad”. Again with this “salad”. Who did she think she was kidding? THERE WAS NO LETTUCE. Her tuna salad was just like her spam salad. Except whereas the spam salad would be placed back in the refrigerator to chill after it was prepared, the tuna salad would be placed in the oven to heat up before it was served. Now that I think about it, the tuna salad MIGHT have had a can of cream of mushroom soup added to everything else to make it extra special. If Barb was going to be REALLY decadent, she would crumble is couple of fists fulls of Ruffles potato chips on top of the tuna salad before baking it. It was, as I recall, delicious.



Kerry, as I mentioned, grew up on a farm. His first (and last) attempt at recreating meals from his childhood failed miserably. In fact, that son-of-a-bitch is lucky I didn’t call the police for attempted murder after his dinner. His favorite childhood meal was “pan-fried steak”. He prepared this meal with all the giddiness of a school girl receiving her first “pin”. What he sat down in front of me wasn’t fit for a dog. Imagine my shock, pain, and horror as I cut into this meat and it disintegrated into a cloud of dust. “Kerry, sweetie,” I said to him, “WE HAVE REFRIGERATION HERE IN THE CITY. YOU DON’T HAVE TO COOK YOUR MEAT SO IT CAN BE CARBON DATED HERE.” Yes, apparently in the back woods of Lubbock it was customary to hang your meat up on a hook outside the back door and then cut off the pieces you needed to cook. This lack of refrigeration required that you cook the shit (and moisture) out of your food so that you didn’t die from bacterial poisoning.



Jed grew up thinking all food came from a box or a can. When we first started dating, I made him one of his now favorite dishes, “Freddy Surprise”. It’s basically pork chops with a tomato pepper sauce and garlic mashed potatoes. Jed was shock and surprised to learn that mashed potatoes didn’t really come from a box as his mother had led him to believe. You can honestly get mashed potatoes FROM a potato.



One night I had asked Jed what he wanted for dinner. He said, “Macaroni & Cheese”. So I headed down to my local grocery store and purchased some noodles, heavy cream, cheddar cheese, some bread crumbs, and butter and went home to throw together a master piece of fresh, home-made macaroni & cheese. After an hour or so, Jed started getting antsy. Wondering what on earth could possibly be taking so long. Pacing back and forth through the kitchen. I finally called him to the table to eat and he looked at my beautiful creation as if I had just shat on his plate. “What’s this?” he asked. “It’s macaroni and cheese. Isn’t that what you wanted?” “It’s not orange.” Was his reply. Apparently I had no idea that Mac N’ Cheese was only acceptable to Jed if made with “orange powder”. TO THIS DAY, he prefers Orange powdery mac n’ cheese over the real thing. Go figure.



One of my favorite things to make in my house is some good ole Frito Chili Pie. YUMMY. White trash? YOU BETCHA. Delicious? I ain’t gonna lie. It’s the bomb-digity-bomb-bomb. The first time I made it for Jed he asked, “where’ the rice?” WHA? RICE? IN FRITO CHILI PIE? “We always put rice in our Frito Chili Pie when I was growing up,” says Jed. So I don’t want my boo kat to suffer. I say, “HOLD UP, WAIT A MINUTE.” I go in the kitchen to put on a pot of rice. This won’t take any time at all my love. After 5 or so minutes, Jed (again) starts getting antsy with me.

“Where’s my dinner?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you wanted rice?”

“Are you making rice?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s taking so long?”

“Jed, rice take exactly 25 minutes to make.”

“No it doesn’t, it only takes a minute. It says so on the box.”



OH HELL NO! Minute rice? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? To this day Jed STILL refuses to learn how to make rice properly. I have told him ad nauseam how to properly make rice. I have showed him. I have made him read the directions. He can’t do it. What’s worse, he can’t tell the difference between “real rice” and “re-hydrated rice product”. In fact, he insists on calling Minute Rice “real rice”.

So there you have it folks. Some good eats to think about for this weekend. Do let me know your favorite childhood food traumas and whether or not you’ve tried to replicate them as an adult. And, as always, have a fantastic weekend.