Warren Chisum is a douche nozzle

douche [doosh] noun, verb, douched, douch⋅ing. –noun 1. a jet or current of water, sometimes with a dissolved medicating or cleansing agent, applied to a body part, organ, or cavity for medicinal or hygienic purposes. 2.the application of such a jet. noz⋅zle [noz-uhl]noun 1. a projecting spout, terminal discharging pipe, or the like, as of a hose or bellows.

(Douche Nozzle) (Warren Chisum)

April 10, 2005 was a fantastic day for my family. It was the day that my oldest son came to live with my family. It’s one of my top 5 days of my entire life, a day I will never forget. April 16, 2005 was also another day I’ll never forget. It was the day that Rep. Warren Chisum (R), Pampa, Texas introduced a bill to the Texas legislature to place a ban on the adoption of children by homosexuals. I had a huge anxiety attack that day. I had waited so long for my perfect family, and no sooner had my child been placed there was someone trying to stop it from happening. See, Adrian’s adoption wouldn’t be finalized for 7 more months after he came to live with us. The bill, of course, failed. But it still chaps my ass every time I think about this douche nozzle.

Two years later Texas decided to take up CPS reform. At the last second, Warren Chisum, again, tacked on an amendment to the CPS reform bill to ban same-sex couples from adopting children. There was an uproar in the legislature and his amendment was stricken from the bill and it passed without incident.

Our state legislature is again back in session and they’re busy “improving” our state. And Warren Chisum is in the news again. He hasn’t attacked MY rights again, yet. But he has been busy with yours. Earlier this week he introduced a bill that would require married couples (YAAAAY, FINALLY doesn’t affect me!) seeking a divorce to undergo 10 hours of counseling before a divorce would be granted. This would be at a cost of $50-100/pp./hr. to the happy couple seeking a divorce.

So, let’s summarize: California (and many, many other states), gays can’t marry. And in Texas, straights can’t divorce. Ain’t that a kick in the rubber parts? And while I not hoping any of my straighties get a divorce, I don’t think it’s governments business to tell them they can’t. It’s a matter of personal choice and it’s not a GOVERNMENTS choice. Warren Chisum must be one hell of a tortured soul if he’s constantly thinking about what his constituents are doing behind closed doors. That’s kind of sick, if you think about it.

The right to privacy is a presumable right, according to that little ol’ Bill o’ Rights of ours. It’s not explicit, but is implied. Many court cases have backed this up. Griswold v Connecticut was a case about contraception, and the Supreme Court upheld that it wasn’t the government’s business what two consenting adults did behind closed doors. Roe v Wade, regardless of how you feel about it personally, is fundamentally about a person’s right to privacy. Lawrence v Texas, again a right to privacy and finally decriminalizes one of things that the Boo and I enjoy. So when a couple decides to get a divorce, there’s an implied RIGHT TO PRIVACY ON THEIR PRIVATE MATTERS.

I’m curious where this arbitrary “10-hours of couples counseling” came from in Ms. Chisum’s mind. I mean, there are dinners that I prepare that take more than 10 hours to “fix”.

Let’s say, for example, you get home from work one day and you see a sweaty Ron Jeremy going at your wife’s starfish from behind and a line of six naked guys behind him waiting for their turn to take a stab at her. That’s going to take a little bit more than 10-hours of counseling to recover from, don’t you think? I mean, there’s a really strong possibility that you may be scarred for life if you see something like that, right? And before you hit me with the, “Well, (F)reddy, that’s a bit of an extreme example…”, PUH-LEEZE. I’ve seen Xtube…I KNOW what kind of sick, twisted, perverted stuff y’all are capable of.

Let’s say your wife goes all Lorena Bobbit on your junk, exactly how many hours do you think you’re going to need before you recover from that?

How’s about America’s favorite “heterosexual with issues”? Do you honestly think Ted Haggard’s wife is going to be able to work out these issues? THEY’VE BEEN IN THERAPY since that entire fiasco began, and NOW there’s more menz coming forward talking about their relationships with Teddy Bear…AND HE’S NOT DENYING THEM. Not ten hours, folks, YEARS OF THERAPY.

Now, if your wife is torturing you by making pickled beets every night for dinner, yeah, sure, perhaps a neutral third party can slap some sense into her for you and you can work your issues out. However, regardless if you can or not, IT’S A PERSONAL MATTER AND GOVERNMENT HAS NO BUSINESS IN YOUR PERSONAL MATTERS. So I’m fully aware that the vast majority of Americans are deeply dead set against MY personal matters. That’s coo. I’m able to turn the cheek, for the most part. I just want to go on record to say that when the government start tweeking YOUR issues, (F)reddy’s got your back. Even when you don’t have mine.

Monument(al)

I’m a sucker for old timey nostalgia. I enjoy getting off the major arteries in town and getting out a bit into the country and seeing things in the country. To that end, I had a couple of items on my Amazon wish list to help me find some points of interest along the way in Texas. Two years ago Jed’s mom bought me “Texas Landmark Cafes”.



Over the last two years I’ve kept it near me, either in the car or in my backpack, so that if we happened to be out and about I could see if there were any places in the book we could scratch of the list. We have actually been to quite a few over the last couple of years.

This past year Jed’s mom got me Volume 7 of the Texas “Off the beaten path” series. It not only lists restaurants to try in out of the way places, but offers suggestions of places to stay, shop, play, and see. When I woke up this Sunday morning I had a hankering to get out of life for a few hours and asked Jed if he wanted to take a stab at finding a place in either of the books and going for lunch. We had a limited amount of time, as we had a birthday party to attend at 3 Sunday afternoon. So I limited my choices to the section(s) of the book centered around the Texas Hill-country. Generally speaking, these would include areas we could get to within an hour-to-two hour time frame.

In the Texas Landmark Café book, I noticed several places that made my mouth water. I flipped through the OTBP book to see if there was anything else that sounded good and noticed they had a place that I had just flipped through in my TLC book. (It wasn’t until this morning I noticed both books were written by the same author!) I asked Jed if he wanted to try the Monument Café in Georgetown, a mere 20 miles from our house. Not quite as “off” the path as I would have hoped, but off enough! He said, “Isn’t that the place that Kevin & Leslie keep raving about and asking us to go with them”? I sent Les a text message asking her if it was and asking if her husband wanted to join Jed, the boys, and I for lunch. She replied that it was the place and to eat some fried pies for her…but Kevie had other plans (that didn’t include hanging out with homos that worship him).

Jed and I loaded up the boys, programmed in the address in the GPS and headed up the road to Georgetown, Texas. When we got to the location identified in the book I was disappointed in seeing an empty parking lot and, what appeared to be, a vacant building. I thought, surely, the GPS was wrong…so I circled around some blocks and tried to find it. We were navigated back to the vacant building. I pulled into the parking lot and there was a tiny little handwritten note on the front door that said they had moved to their new location. YAAAAY…not a wasted trip. Having reprogrammed the GPS, we headed a bit further north to the brand new location.



There were some really, really good things about this place, and some things that were really, really bad. Let’s start with the bad???

#1: For starters, there were 350,000 people waiting to get in. Is that good, or bad? Depends on how you look at it. 350,000 people trying to get into a place means the food either is good, or is covered in crack. It also means a wait. Though, seriously, I don’t think we had to wait more than 10 minutes…and so I guess, now that I’ve added this to the bad column, it really wasn’t all that bad. BUT…#2: We arrived at 1115 am on a Sunday. They cut their breakfast service off at 11. Who the fuck cuts their breakfast off at 11 on a WEEKEND? ESPECIALLY on a Sunday? Don’t they know this is prime breakfast eating time? This is when, as evidenced by the 349,996 other people wearing their Sunday suits waiting to get in, PEOPLE ARE HUNGRY FOR BREAKFAST. Now that I’ve mentioned #3: the 349,996 people in their Sunday suits, I suppose it’s time to mention another uncomfortable fact. It was clear that Sunday, January 11, 2009 was the first time 349,996 people in Georgetown, Texas ever saw two gay men with children in their lives. Talk about awkward stares. JESUS H. MARY-CHRIST. Adrian asked, at one point, “Daddy, what’s everyone looking at”? #4: They had a menu board FULL of delicious “vegetables”. Seriously savory, mouth-watering vegetables…like Mac n’ Cheese, fried zucchini, fried squash, French fries, cabbage…with fried bacon. They had ONE healthy vegetable, steamed broccoli, on the menu. We ordered our dinner(s). Adrian got the fried chicken strips with macaroni. Nathan got the fried steak fingers with macaroni. I got the chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes, mac n’ cheese, and fried zucchini. Jed got the chicken fried chicken with the STEAMED BROCCOLI, onion rings and French fries. The waitress came back ten minutes later and said, “Sir, I’m sorry, but we DON’T have broccoli today”. He ended up getting fried zucchini instead. YES, everything on Jed’s plate was fried! #5: The bill, JESUS CHRIST, was it expensive for a lunch. $62 for the four of us.



So now the good. HOLY SHIT THAT FOOD WAS GOOD! Was it worth $62? HELL NO. Was it worth writing a blog about? Hell yeah. Is it worth going back? Maybe. The chicken fried steak was done right. It wasn’t a leathery, gristly piece of meat. It was prepared the right way…prepared in such a way that it could be cut with a plastic spork. It DID need some seasoning (IE: salt), but otherwise, was great. The mashed potatoes were REAL potatoes…though, curiously, they didn’t have gravy on them. Weird. The mac n’ cheese was HEAVENLY. OH-MY-GOD, was the mac n’ cheese good. And the fried zucchini was both interesting and delicious. It was the first time I’d ever had fried zucchini that was sliced the length of the zucchini, rather than “medallions” of zucchini. They were properly coated and brilliantly fried…not limp and disgusting. Jed’s onion rings were delicious…and the fried chicken (strips) were tasty too. All of the food we had was delicious. When the waitress came and asked us if we wanted desert the Presbyterians were starting to replace the seats vacated by the Lutherans...and the stares were starting up again. We told her no thanks (besides, there wasn’t any room in our bellies!).

If you’re in the area and looking to try some delicious southern comfort food, DO check out the Monument Café in Georgetown. Though, it’s not at 1953 South Austin, you’ll find it just up the road a spell at 500 S. Austin!

December Challenge Day 31

DEAR BESSIE I’m glad this month is OVER!

So I sorta made the challenge, eh? I missed only a day or two? Not bad.

The boys and I had a great day. We started off the morning returning all of our duplicate Christmas gifts. The only frustration was at Best Buy trying to exchange season 4 of Oz for Season 6. They only wanted to credit me the “lowest advertised price” for the set and have me pay the difference DESPITE the fact that both sets were the same price. They said that since I didn’t have the receipt they had to assume that it was bought at the sales price. I said, “With that logic I have to assume that season 6 was on sale the same time season 4 was on sale and purchased therefore I shouldn’t have to pay the difference”. They didn’t see it that way, so I still have two sets of season 4 of hot prison love.

We made our “magic wands” later in the morning. Honestly the boys had more fun throwing confetti around the dining room than they did actually helping me out with the project. I have it all on video and I’ll be posting that in a bit…more on that later.

We took lunch up to Poppa at work and had lunch with him. At this point the boys were beginning their morning melt-down, so I rushed home and the three of us took a nap.

We made pizza for dinner and then the four of us hoped on the #5 to head downtown for “First Night” festivities. It’s Austin’s NYE celebration. I noticed earlier in the week they had built this huge, gorgeous 3-story wooden clock down on Auditorium shores. I heard on the news that it was a “resolution clock” that was basically an effigy to resolutions that was set to be set ablaze at 8 this evening. I was partly disappointed they were going to torch it, cuz it was that nice, but I was also excited for the boys to see it. We ass u med the bus would be a better, safer, option for us to get downtown…and we wouldn’t have to fight for parking. As it turns out, the buses were on “parade route”, therefore they dropped us off at 12^th and Congress and we had to hoof it the 13 blocks to auditorium shores. We made the most of it.

After having family fun down at First Night, I decided I’d rather catch a pedicab to get back to 12^th rather than carry the 35 lb. boys all the way back up there. I don’t know how or why, but Jed and I always manage to find the ONE pedicab driver that can’t support our weight. Seriously, we could have gotten back to the Capital faster on foot, but it was nice not having to carry the kids. AND it didn’t hurt the cabbie was on the cuter side (and I use that term loosely, cuz none of them were all that!). He got us back just in time for us to see our bus drive right past us. So we had to sit and wait 30 minutes for the next one. We ended up not getting home until 1030…WAY past the boys bedtime and, honestly, after mine.

I FINALLY figured out a way to get around with the problem I’ve been having with editing my videos lately. I’m bummed I haven’t been able to post or send our Christmas day video to my folks (or my interwebs stalkers) yet…but I’ve been having problems with my program. I was having the same frustrating problems editing the videos I took today and ended up downloading a different (older) version of the software and it seems to be working now. HOWEVER, as it’s 1137 in the pm, I’m too tired to work on it tonight…so I’ll get it out when I can.

It’s been a real pleasure getting to know some of you better throughout this past year. Looking forward to writing more for you and reading more of you. Hope you and yours have a safe and happy new year.

And with that, the challenge is O-V-E-R!!! YAAAAAY ME!

December Challenge Day 29

So I’m a failure. I failed the challenge. I hang my head in shame. Perhaps picking a busy holiday month was not the brightest idea I ever had.

We had a very busy weekend. As I mentioned we made a trip to Ikea on Saturday and bought a new table and some chairs. LOVE it. The problem with me and Ikea is that Ikea becomes a drug for me and I can’t get enough of it. So we went back on Sunday…and bought even more furniture and stuff. I’ve officially spent a fortune. AND spent even more hours putting everything together yesterday.

Yia Yia decided to go back home to Galveston early yesterday. Apparently I was an asshole on Saturday and got into a disagreement with Jed (in front of her). And apparently conflict is uncomfortable. In MY family we often get into disagreements, heated at times, with each other in front of each other. The tide rises and then falls, immediately and life moves on. THIS is NOT how it works in Jed’s family. So I’m an asshole and I made it uncomfortable in my house. Apologies.

The weekend wasn’t a total loss. With YY here, Jed and I were able to go out for a date night on Saturday (EVEN AFTER THE ASSHOLERY). We went to the movies and got to see our first non-animated film in a year. We saw “Milk”, and I enjoyed it. I had heard the story of Harvey before and even seen “The Life of Harvey Milk”. But what I didn’t know was what happened to the ancillary players after the fact. (IOW: What ever happened to Dan White?) Glad to know he took care of himself.

Today was a semi-return to normalcy. I over-slept this morning so I was late getting Adrian and Nathan back to “school”. School is technically out until 1/5, but Adrian is enrolled in an Extend-A-Care program for the rest of the holiday week and Nathan is in daycare during the day until both of them start back in real school. I found out when I dropped Nathan off at daycare that they’re closed Wednesday through Friday this week. WHO THE HELL HAS THAT MUCH TIME OFF? I guess me.

One thing I’m a bit bummed out about with Jed’s mom going home is I had bought a 15 pound ham for NYE dinner…and now there’s just the four of us to eat it. I’m thrilled I’ll have enough ham left over for ham and eggs, scalloped potatoes, etc…but the prospect of eating 15 pounds of ham leaves me feeling a bit gassy and unclean.

Sorry this rambled. That’s kind of how I’m feeling today…a bit scrambled.

December Challenge Day 21

Folks, I gotta make this quick! I can't believe I almost missed it today. Curses, where has my day gone...

(tick tick tick tick)

I got to sleep in a bit this morning. Jed and I split the weekends so each of us get to sleep in late at least one day a week. And by late, I mean I didn't have to get up at 530 this morning, I got to sleep until 615. The very first thing I did when I woke up this morning was run to Target for my 113th time this week. You know it's bad when the person who checks you out (er, uh, rings you up) A) says, "HI (F)REDDY" when you walk up to the register and B) is the same cashier that rang you up at 1030 the night before. BUT since today WAS Sunday AND the start of a new sales circular week I felt it was necessary to run up there to find anything I may be missing. NOT TO MENTION I still hadn't found the gifties for Cousin Ash's husband, Derwood. WHAT TO YOU BUY AN ACCTUARY? Every place I've been is out of hand stitched leather pocket protectors...so I was a little lost. I FINALLY got a text message from Ash about som Wii games he wanted, so I ran up there to see if I could find them. NO SUCH LUCK. I DID happen to notice, however, that the Dual Screen DVD players that I found on Black Friday for $88 that immediately went up to $164 the hour following Black Friday were back on sale for $83. I went ahead and bought it as a back up gift just in case I couldn't find the Wii games anywhere. The thing is, ASH is the one who wanted the DVD player for the car, NOT Derek.

I went home and loaded up the family and we drove to Columbus to drop Adrian off with grandma. Relax bitches. Columbus, Texas, not Columbus, Crazy. We had a delightful lunch at Schoebles (pronounced "Shy-bulls" for you Yankee folks), seriously, it was FANTASTIC. We couldn't get Adrian and his crap out of the car fast enough before we got back on the road to come back to Austin.

We stopped at the South Austin Wally World, the ONLY place I could find on-line inventory listings that had the Wii Game Donald wants for Christmas. AS A BONUS, the game was on sale in the store for cheaper than it was on the web. Daniel better be DAMN happy with this game for as much as I did to get him something HE wanted!Got home and napped with the bug while Jed visited with our dear sweet Heath-O (Pronounced "Heath-O" for you Yankee folk).

When I woke up I ran some errands in this order:

Furniture in the Raw: We've been looking for a new dining room set. We found one we really liked there in November for about $180 (for the table) and $80/ea. for the chairs. There was a commercial on T.V. last night that the entire store was 50% off...so I went. I, jokingly, said to Jed on the way to Columbus (TEXAS) this morning that I'd be willing to bet my third testicle that the store marked their prices up 85% to give 50% off. AND I WASN'T TOO FAR OFF. The table that we liked A MONTH AGO was marked up to $999 with a 50% off sale price of $499. STILL $210 MORE than it was originally a month ago. OH, and those chairs. Today's price $274/ea. marked 50% off. FUCK YOU furniture in the raw, fuck you very much.

HEB: Jed asked for Chicken Pot Pie for dinner tonight. After I pulled the car out of the ditch I drove into when he said it I said, "OKAY", without giving him a chance to change his mind. Cuz TRUST me when I say my boo ain't a chicken pot pie kind of guy. Perhaps it had something to do with the bitter cold weather this morning???

Target: AGAIN. For real. I've been to Target 3 times today and I think "Ryan" the cashier thinks I'm stalking him. But I had to return the DVD player and buy Jed some fru-fru peppermint flavored mocha frappasumthing.

Crestview IGA: I was outta beer and there was a little girl in there selling fresh hot tamales that I bought...

Dinner was just getting out of the oven when I got home and Heath-O joined us for a family dinner. Out of habit we grabbed the "guest chair" for her place at the table and then we all realized Adrian wasn't there. BOO HOO. So quiet in our house tonight.

I wrapped 513 Christmas presents tonight while we listened to Christmas music and Jed asked me how much a GPS unit costs these days. It was while looking on-line that I realized I hadn't entertained you people yet today...and so here I am.

What a super fantastic weekend. Hope y'alls was swell too. Gearing up for an UN-believably busy holiday week. But you know what? I'm blessed with a super fantastic family and a great group of friends (both IRL and IIL)...so it's all worth every second that I don't have to myself.

December Challenge Day 20

There is a phenomenon sweeping this great country that needs to be addressed. It also needs to be stopped. I fully realize I am about to alienate at least two of my readers, and one of my favorite. I'll let y'all fight it out amongst yourselves on who my fav is…that, in and of itself is it's own blog.

I'm talking about yard art. Basically, if it hasn't shot out of mother earth's own vagina, it has no business being in your yard. I honestly think a garden gnome here and there is cute. Perhaps a faux stone wagon strategically placed amid your bed of pansies might even be cute. An angel here and there? Knock yourself out. These types of adornments don't really bother me that much. In fact, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I don't have one or five of them.

I am, however, talking about this pervasive usage of these hideous holiday monstrosities that are hand sewn nylon creations (hand sewn by 4 10 year olds in a Thailand sweat shop) with the motorized blowers assembled by some equally inept 8 year old in Taiwan. If your yard decoration has a blower as part of the display, get rid of it. It's not cute, it's not festive, the neighbors are not "going to love it".

Jed's mom was here a couple of weeks ago. She found one such yard display at a local Hell-Mart. She told Jed she was going to buy it. I wasn't there, but the exchange went something like this:

DIVA: OH JED! Look at that! Isn't it adorable? I want to get it for the boys.

JED: Uh, mom. I'm not really sure we're inflatable yard art people.

DIVA: But the boys will LOVE it.

JED: I'm not so sure Freddy will.

Jed was ABSOLUTELY right. There is no way in hell that I would allow an 8-foot tall (and equal diameter) blow up carousel with real spinning horses be blown up in my front yard. Forget the tackiness in my own yard. My neighbors, Hot Tommy and his wife, Hot Sarah, would kill me. RIDICULOUS. So they return from the local town killer and Diva says, "Jed's a joy killer. He wouldn't let me buy a blow up carousel for the boys. He said 'Y'all weren't YARD ART people' and I told him phewy." I told Diva that Jed, apparently, knew me better than I gave him credit for and that I was, in fact, not "yard art people." Good save Jed! I owe you one.

So I'm driving around the neighborhood and I would like to give you some visualizations of exactly what it is that FREDDY thinks is tack-y. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present to you exhibit 1:

This here happens to be the EXACT same carousel that Diva wanted to purchase for me. You tell me, readers. Was I being unreasonable?



Now I'm not sure I even like little snow globes in my house. They fall. They break. They're messy. Children cut their fingers on shards of broken glass. Why would I want this in my front yard?



After, what? 15 years on television, isn't it time you had him blown up in your front yard? And look how festive he is all dressed up in a Santa suit.



In case your children don't get enough of "It's a white Christmas Charlie Brown" on television, you can always send them out to your front yard to recreate it.



Why decorate ONE tree INSIDE your house when you can put 15 artificial trees OUTSIDE your house and import some metal deer to give it an added "country" feel to your city house.



Cute, tastefully done authentic candy cane archway to frame your walkway to your house with an inflatable chimney on top of your house with a Santa popping up and down. Now why didn't I think of that?



Don't have time to decorate a tree inside your house? Just blow one up outside.



This photo is a little blurry, but I wanted you to see the 6 foot tall bear "with gifts"…and it may actually clue you lazier readers into where I'm about to go next…



Don't want to go to Church or the theater this year to see the story of Jesus' birth? Not a problem. We've got you covered.





But the most amazing thing of all folks, in case you haven't figured it out yet…the common thing all these lovely inflatable pieces of art have is their location. Yes, you may have figured it out. They're all at the same house.



And I shit you not. This particular family must shop every post holiday sale throughout the year at every store in town looking for nothing but other inflatables. Because this is the scene in their front yard YEAR ROUND for every frickin' holiday. In fact, catch me in February for the 14 foot tall inflatable cupid and heart.

That's all I got. And frankly, it's enough.

$164 yesterday. $88 two weeks ago.

December Challenge Day 6

We were on our way out to dinner last night when we picked up Adrian at school. Not only did he have the shittiest day ever in class (teacher wants ANOTHER parent/teacher conference to discuss his behavior issues), but he also apparently died at the bowling alley in Extend-A-Care for acting like an asshole and the entire group of kids on the field-trip were forced to end their “fun time” early and go back to the school. The three adults were in tears when we got to the school to pick him up because they say he hit the ground face first with such force that they thought he may have fractured a vertebrae or something. I was so angry about his behavior in school that we cancelled our dinner plans and went home instead. I felt like a dick for punishing him after he had a “nearly life-ending experience”, but I sent him to bed…at 6pm…without any dinner…and a stern lecture. Our fun family night out, therefore, ended up being a sack of burgers from What-a-Burger and watching Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer with Nathan while Adrian cried himself to sleep.

This morning Adrian and I were in much better frames of mind. We had a discussion about his shitty behavior through the week, as well as whether or not he was actually hurt from his near death experience. He said that it didn’t even really hurt when he fell. Oh well.

We went to our regularly scheduled Campfire meetings. It had been our first in a few weeks with all the Thanksgiving/Oklahoma travel. (It’s only once a week, IT’S ONLY ONCE A WEEK)

Afterwards I sent Jed to the theater with Nathan to see Bolt again while I kept Adrian home with me. Perhaps I’m punishing him too much? But I don’t know what else to do to get through to him other than putting a remote control shock collar on him and giving the remote to his teacher for Christmas. I’m not really sure what the deal is. I know how he is when I drop him off at school…my sweet little loveable Adrian. But something happens to him between 730 am and 1030 am and his body, mind, and mouth are taken over by Satan.

So after campfire Adrian and I went and did our weekly grocery shopping AND we bought all the supplies to make our Christmas gifts for various teachers/teacher aides/co-workers, etc. I bought TEN bags of pretzels y’all. For real. I loves pretzels. BUT, these ain’t for me, sadly. I’m doing my oft requested asshole burning spicy pretzels (I keep telling folks to eat them first before sticking them up their assholes, but they just don’t learn) and I’m going to make some white/brown chocolate drizzled pretzels as well. A “naughty/nice” pretzel blend, if you will. I also bought stuff to make some slap your momma good caramel corn and cashew brittle and candy cane brittle.

Then we ran to gay-Wal-Mart (Target) to buy some more stuff. We got a last second birthday invitation to one of Adrian’s classmates yesterday (thanks for that advanced warning) at Chuck-e-fucking-Cheese’s of all places. Two of Jed’s knocked up co-workers will be soaking their panties soon, so I got a couple of baby gifts. I got a ton of other shit too that added up to 140 bones, but I can’t honestly remember what it all was. I DO know at one point the cashier was feverishly looking for something and I noticed the screen said “scan gift card now” and she then handed me a $5 giftcard. I asked what it was for, assuming I had been her 100th blow job for the day or something. She said it was because they had merchandise throughout the store that if you bought certain quantities of such you automatically got a giftcard. Apparently the 4 Glade candles I bought netted me a $5 gift card.

So here’s my thought about the current state of financial affairs.

Rather than giving me 5 fucking dollars back for spending $10 on candles, WHY NOT JUST LOWER THE PRICE OF YOUR FUCKING CANDELS BY $1.25? Instead of giving me back $5000 for buying your $32,000 car, WHY NOT JUST PRICE YOUR MERCHANDISE APPROPRTIATELY TO BEGIN WITH? Why bother with 25, 50, or even 75% off sales? Merchants, hear this. WE realize you’re not LOSING money by selling items at 75% off. YOU WOULDN’T BE SELLING IT AT 75% OFF IF IT WERE GOING TO NET YOU A LOSS. Merchants, if you would mark your shit at a reasonable cost to begin with you wouldn’t be having problems getting people through your doors now. Last week I bought two things at Target. I bought a game called “Break the Ice” for Adrian to give to Jed for his birthday. I paid $4 for the game. Today I bought the same game for the party we’re going to tomorrow. I paid $5 for it today. AT BOTH prices Target is still making a profit. AT TWO DOLLARS, Target would probably still make a profit. It infuriates me, ESPECIALLY since I KNOW how much I paid for the fucking game last week the way stores fuck with their prices. MOST INFURIATING…last week I bought a dual screen DVD player for the car (at Target). I paid $88. Jed’s cousin mentioned she wanted one for Christmas. Since I drew her husband’s name for the family gift exchange this year I thought I would get him one. Today, same Target, SAME DVD PLAYER, $164. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Ford, GM, Chrysler, and any of you other greedy business owners out there (Target dude) can go fuck yourselves. Sorry you’re failing, but quit taking advantage of your customer base. Perhaps that’s why you’re failing. Consumers are tired of your shit.

I think I’ve spread enough cheer here. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

December Challenge Day 4

NEW POLL!!!
Not for you folks reading this on MySpace, but since I’ve been cross-posting over on Blogspot, this applies to y’all. The rest of you can skip ahead.



Regarding Teddy. 4 of you would like to see me shot. This hurts. . 5 of you think he’s hot enough to nut on. YAAAY us!!! 8 of you are into horse-sex. That’s disgusting. You know you can die from that shit, right??? And 3 of you need to get off the interwebs and watch some news every once in a while.

I’ve posted a new poll (again, over at blogspot) for you to participate in. You only have 5-days, so snap-snap.

B, as in…



This saddens me a little bit.

Tuesday evening I ran by the school to drop off my “A-paper” and to see if my B-paper had been accepted. Class starts at 705. When I walked in the door I was SHOCKED, I tell you, SHOCKED, to see the professor sitting at the desk in the front of the room with ONE other person sitting in the class. And the other boy in the room wasn’t even from MY class, he was from a DIFFERENT class making up time. There were, at the beginning of the semester, 27 people in my class. As I was digging through the pile of manila folders looking for mine I said, “Did all the others just stop coming”? And he said they had. He said the majority of the class was fine with the C’s they had gotten and didn’t care to pursue a B or even an A. I found my folder and was happy to see “B paper accepted 12/02/08” written on the outside. What this means is NOW the minimum I’ll get for the class is a B. IF my A paper is accepted, then I’ll end up with the A. But what this also means is that kids today are fine with being “average”. WHY? WHY WOULD YOU STOP AT A C WHEN YOU HAVE FOUR WEEKS OF CLASS LEFT? Is it laziness? Or do they just not care? A “C” for me is unacceptable.

ANCIENT history:
I have a history test tonight. Have I mentioned how much I hate history? I wonder how miserably I’ll fail it tonight. With any luck I’ll get a C…and I’ll be happy with that! (Pot/Kettle)

Amazon.com ROCKS SOCKS:
I’m done with ALL of my Christmas shopping. I did it all in about 20 minutes on Amazon.com and was able to get free shipping AND “the best prices”. Now all I have to do is sit back and wait for the packages to arrive so I can wraps my pressies…and study for my test.

Mmmmmmm, gurl, you twisted:
I’m ALMOST ashamed to say this out loud. One of my stalkers posted a tweet the other day about the Twisted Sister Christmas album. I thought he was joking. He said it was “actually good”. I KNEW he was joking. BUT then I found it in my GuyTunes store…and I clicked on the sample links. AND I’LL BE GO TO HELL it WAS good. So I bought the Twisted Sister Christmas Album and it’s my new favorite album of 2008. Merry Christmas yo, for reals.

December Challenge: Day 2

TWIT(TER):
For those who follow me on the Twitters, just skip to the next section. But I have to write about the redneck racist in my class (the woman with the “colored friends”) for the benefit of the people not cool enough to be on Twitter. Last night’s Algebra class was a bit brutal. I can’t believe it’s getting HARDER with just a few days left. Anywhoodle. The heavily tattooed girl that sits in front of me asked professor hottie what she should do if she didn’t have a calculator. Apparently she doesn’t realize you can buy them at your neighborhood Shell station these days. Racist woman turns around and says, “You need a calcalator? You can ‘borrie’ mine if’n you need one. I got an extrie calcalator yer welcome to borrie”. SERIOUSLY? BORRIE? Spell the word out you dumb cunt. B-O-R-R-O-W. There’s no “e” at the end, no “ie”, not even a sometimes “y”. Borrie? FOR REAL?

BUG UPDATE:
I wasn’t expecting much yesterday when I picked the bug up from daycare. I ACTUALLY expected to be snubbed on the playground, given how our morning went. I was so pleasantly surprised when I walked into his class room and he threw his books across the room (in a VERY happy, not angry, manner) and squealed, “DAAAAADEEEEEEE” while running up to me to hug my leg and give me “kith kith” on the forehead. He even said, “I of ewe daaaadeeee”.

RANDOM THOUGHT OF THE DAY:
I was thinking about my favorite Christmas carol last night. I think its “O Holy Night”. But I haven’t heard the Gaiken Christmas album everyone is talking about, so that may change.

“C” as in …

This English class I’m taking this semester is similar to the one I took over the summer semester. Basically, you write 7 papers and they are either “accepted” or “rejected” and you have to keep submitting them until 7 are “accepted”. There’s no feedback or grading scale on any of the papers, just “accepted” or “rejected”. After the 7 papers are accepted you have to take a test in class, which is basically another paper. If it is accepted, you’re guaranteed a “C” in the class. After you’ve passed the test, you have two more papers due between the test and the end of the semester. Both papers have to be accepted on first draft. The first paper accepted guarantees you a “B”, the second guarantees you an “A”.

We had the test in class last week. We were given a short story to read and then had to draft an analysis of the story based on the 6 elements of story writing. IMHO, reading sucks balls, and not in a good way. I DO NOT “pleasure read”. I don’t enjoy “pleasure reading”. There was a time when I did, when I didn’t have other obligations, but now I just don’t have the time. My idea of “pleasure reading” is reading manuals of anything. If you want to learn everythinasg you need to know about how to operate, say, a new phone, send me the manual. I LOVE TECHNICAL MANUALS. I HATE BOOKS. (Ironically, I LOVES reading blogs too!!!)

As I was saying. Last week we took the test in class. I can, without much thought, spew a bunch or nonsensical words onto a page and have it make (mostly) sense. So I looked around at the distressed faces in my class; guys tugging on their hair; girls half-crying, as I wrote…and wrote…and wrote. At the end of class I got up and told the prof that I had emailed him MY DRAFT of my paper. I didn’t write it out by hand because: A) I only had two sheets of paper; B) My hand cramps if I write more than my name. I went in last night to review my draft and submit my final copy. I grabbed my folder and made my way to my seat when I noticed written on the paper, “C-test accepted 11/18”. I must say I was quite pleased. I looked over my paper, however, and there were so many elementary errors in the paper that made ME cringe. I honestly don’t know how the paper was accepted, other than, perhaps, he was basing it on my PAST performance? There was a sentence in the paper that read, “The overall theme of the story serves as a warning to out-of-touch suburban parents who think they’re kids…” IDA totally not accepted “they’re” in place of “their”. Another sentence I forgot to use the pluralized “parent’s” instead of “still lived in his parent house”. ELEMETARY MISTAKES. On MY evaluation, the page was peppered with them, but he accepted it nonetheless. For that I am grateful. Just two more papers to write now between yesterday and December 9th!!!

Last week we had our third Algebra test as well. I didn’t think it was that hard. Granted I didn’t blow through it like I had the previous two, but I felt confident when I walked out of the class. As professor hottie britches was handing the papers back last Wednesday he made the comment that he didn’t realize this test he had written was difficult and that people shouldn’t worry about the grades posted at the top of them because he was going to try to find some way to curve the grades, but wasn’t sure how yet. He said that he didn’t want to give folks too much of a credit curve because if they didn’t “get it” then they obviously were going to need some extra help. So I was QUITE SURPRISED when he handed me my test and I had gotten a “95”!!! Apparently the next highest grade was a 72. Monday night someone asked him if he had decided how he was going to curve it yet and he said he hadn’t. He added that “obviously people who scored lower on the test would get more additional points than people who scored higher on the test.” WTF? I don’t understand that. If (F)REDDY SET the curve, shouldn’t I be entitled to the same number of “extra points” as the fucktard(s) who didn’t bother to STUDY? How is that fair to me to give the dumb racist cunt an extra 20 points to get her into the SEVENTY RANGE and not give me the same consideration? I just don’t understand.

In related news, I still hate history and can’t wait for that fucking class to be over. With any luck I’ll EARN a “B”, but I won’t be crying for a curve in it…BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I FUCKING EARNED.

NOW…

TIGHTEN UP YOUR BRITCHES AND GET READY FOR THE MOST PRECIOUS THING YOU’LL READ TODAY!!!

This morning at the coffee shop Adrian asked for some money so he could get some candy from the gumball machine. I told him I didn’t have any, so he did what any other 4 year old would have done in the same situation. He turned to the owner/barista and said, “Can I have a job”!!! NO KIDDING! I don’t know where that came from, but the kid is too much!

Why stop with the Mormons?

I read an article on Towleroad this morning about a petition being circulated to strip the tax-exempt status from the Mormon Church for the role they played in the passage of Proposition 8 in California. If you’re inclined to check out the details, you may do so here. I’m all for “sticking it” to the people who had a hand in this, but folks, the Mormon’s didn’t do this to us alone. There were MANY other groups that helped them raise millions of dollars for the passage of Proposition 8. Why aren’t the folks who have set their sights on the Mormon church up in arms about the Knights of Columbus? They were the second largest contributor to “the cause”. They should have their tax-exempt status stripped as well. What about all the other churches that raised funds and put their names on the list of support? EVERY group that participated in this atrocity should be equally accountable. I guess, though, this is a start. Eh?

Feeding a family for $20/day?

I recently read on MSNBC that some governor somewhere was trying an experiment where she was trying to prove the failures of the state’s food stamp program that only paid out $20/day for families. She was talking about how impossible it was to feed a family of 4 on $20/day. I’m curious what planet she’s from. My calculations put that at $608.33/month for a family of four, and for my family we’d be able to eat like kings for $608/month. MY family food budget (FOR A FAMILY OF FOUR…PLUS 2 dogs AND BEER FOR DADDY!) is a mere FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH. Sure, we don’t eat a lot of steaks…but if you’ve ever seen pictures of us, we ain’t starving either. Perhaps a better idea, rather than whining about how “impossible” it is to feed a family of four for $20/day, this governor needs to be educated on HOW to feed a family of four for $13.15/day. It CAN be done. It CAN be fun.

This MIGHT be the story I'm thinking about...

Grant or Hefner?

Drivers Ed, (F)reddy Style

When I was a wee lad we had this class available to us in school. It was, of course, an elective class, not a requirement. But most of us took it as a way to kill our summer months between the 9th and 10th grades. It was called “Driver’s Ed”, “Ed” being short for EDUCATION for those of you who haven’t had your afternoon Starbuck’s yet.

In this class we learned an amazing skill. It was called DRIVING. And we didn’t have to do it driving around the cars with the pizza deliveryesque billboards on the top of them announcing to everyone (as if nobody could tell) “WARNING: DRIVING STUDENTS ON BOARD!!!” No shit. That person going 15 in a 65 is a DRIVING STUDENT? I just though he was EIGHTY. Not that I’m saying all older drivers are shitty drivers…no, that must JUST be my dad.

Even if people ARE, in fact, still taking driving classes some 20+ years after I did, it appears that today’s instructors are leaving out some of the basics. Mainly, traffic courtesy and RIGHT OF WAY. It was always my understanding that yielding the right-of-way was not only, let’s say THE LAW, but it was also a common driver courtesy that you would extend to your fellow drivers. Let’s say you’re both on your Sunday afternoon drive to your house of worship with your 2.4 children in the back seat and you approach an intersection at the same time someone on your right approaches. What should you do? Well back in the day you would have wave your WHOLE hand at the person next to you, NOT just a single digit, and you would play, “you go ahead…no, you go ahead…” for about 3 minutes. Not anymore. Apparently there’s a sense of entitlement that every driver shares that is, “It’s my RIGHT, it’s my WAY.” Oh, and here’s your single digit wave.

I hate you all.

As I was riding in the passenger seat on the way home from Sonic the other night with my grandmother driving (a/k/a Jed), he approached a four-way stop sign at the same time another driver approached his left. The older gentleman to our left started playing the old familiar game I mentioned above, you know, the “you go ahead…no you go ahead…” with Granny Jed. Jed, of course (since he digs older dudes) plays back. I finally said, “FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST MARMIE! WOULD YOU FUCKING GO ALREADY.” Then I turned around and explained to the boys that these were a “daddy word” before resuming my “conversation” with Jed. He said that he was just being polite, and I told him that he was just being annoying. That it was, in fact, HIS TURN to go through the intersection because he had been on his future tricks RIGHT HAND SIDE. I said, “WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT ‘RIGHT-OF-WAY’?” And he said, as he always does when he hates that I’m right, “Oh!” Apparently this WASN’T something they taught in driver’s ed in Texas. And before all you asshats start leaving kudos and words of encouragement for Jed being all “saintly” and all for putting up with my shit, we both already know how lucky I am that he sticks with me, so just stick to the point.

So for those of you who don’t understand the simple principles of driving, I give you…driving lessons.

First, the basics:

• When you hear the sirens of an emergency vehicle, you pull over to the side of the fucking road. You don’t keep going, and you certainly don’t immediately switch lanes because the other lane miraculously cleared out for you. And you also are not an extension of that emergency vehicle. Therefore when it passes you, you don’t TAILGATE it trying to bypass all the lights yourself. If you do, you deserve to be INSIDE the ambulance, not behind it.
• When somebody does you a solid, ACKNOWLEDGE IT. Even the slightest of movements from your wrist to your fingertips (ALL OF YOUR FINGER TIPS) will be appreciated by there person who let you in to that last second spot so you could make your immediate turn.
• Rain DOES NOT equal ICE! If it starts sprinkling, it’s no cause for alarm, and no need to drop your speed to 20 miles below the speed limit, especially if the speed limit is only 30 to begin with.
• Stop signs and stop lights apply to you too.
• There is a huge difference between a Stop Sign and a Yield Sign. Not only do they LOOK different, they also mean different things. “Yield”, for example, means YIELD THE RIGHT-OF-WAY.
• SIGNAL YOUR INTENTIONS. If you want in my lane, please let me know by using that stick on your steering wheel that magically makes one of your taillights flash. Likewise, if you’re going to make a turn (suddenly or planned) use the same blinking mechanism.
• FIGURE OUT WHERE YOU NEED TO BE/GO BEFORE YOU START YOUR CAR.
• If turns make you nervous, take the fucking bus.
• If you see a hot shirtless man on the side of the road changing a tire, ALWAYS stop to offer assistance. Even if he’s not “that hot”, you should maybe stop anyway…he may be on his way to extend his gym membership.

Now please forgive my rudimentary diagrams. I’m not as proficient with “Paint” as I am with “Explorer”:



Now in Figure A we have 2 cars traveling towards each other and approaching a four-way stop. If both cars were going to continue in their same direction of travel (IE: Continue going gaily forward), they would both come to a complete stop, and then continue through the intersection. IF, however, car B was going to SIGNAL his intention of turning right; after coming to a complete stop, car B would wait until car A cleared his way through the intersection before proceeding with his turn. I know folks. It’s confusing. But you can do it, I PROMISE.



In figure B I’ve pictured a scenario that I mentioned above…flashback to Jed driving? Okay. Cars A & B approach the same four-way stop intersection at the same time. Car A is continuing forward, as is Car B. However, since Car B is on Car A’s immediate right, Car B gets to get about his day first. Then Car A can rush to happy hour. Doesn’t matter if Car A is trying to turn into Car B’s line of traffic or not, Car B STILL gets to go first. Don’t forget that friendly 5 fingered wave.

Figure C got eaten by my dog. Curses dog.

Figure D introduces the Yield Sign. Isn’t it pretty? It sort of reminds me of the pink triangle. This is what I see every day that I leave my house. On the end of my street there is a Yield Sign. The cross traffic does not stop. It doesn’t have to. It doesn’t have a stop sign. Nor does it have a stop light. People seem to have the mistaken impression that Yield means you don’t have to stop at all. It’s like a “free pass”. They approach the sign and the turn at 30 mph with no regard or care to the people in the cross traffic. Let me tell you. It’s a fun little intersection. A Yield Sign, if you must know, means slow down and proceed when the traffic is clear. It doesn’t mean barrel out in front of a car that is going 35 right towards your door. It also doesn’t mean you HAVE to come to a complete stop, but it’s okay if you do.



Figure E was hard for me to do. I intended the squiggly line to go back and forth several times, however I had no such luck. Not all areas of the country have this anyway. For those that do, know that it’s not a sobriety checkpoint. No. It’s a signal that you’re entering a School Zone. If you’re going 40, kindly drop your speed down to 20 and proceed with caution. Especially if you’re in MY neighborhood, because in a few years it’ll be my bratty children walking to school while Adrian is screaming at Nathan, “Would you cross the fucking street already?”

If you don’t drive, thank you. If you do drive, practice the rules. If you live by the rules, you rock harder than Amadeus.

Matthew McConaughey is...

A nutsack. No. Wait. That's insulting to all of the nutsacks that I have personally gotten to know over the years. Matthew is, quite simply, a tool. I don't know what it is about this guy. I hate him about as much as most people hate Oprah. It's unnatural. The difference is I've actually been in Matthew's presence and have legitimate reason to hate him.

During one of the season in which I held my tickets for Longhorn football, Matthew occupied the seats behind me. He was a loud drunken ass for the entire season, and had the "Don't-you-know-who-I-am" attitude that makes most normal people hate celebrities. From that moment on, he has been everywhere I've been ruining every single moment of my life. Why can't he be a normal celebrity that shuns the spotlight/cameras instead of trying to seek the attention out? Is his career really suffering that badly? Don't get me wrong, he was fabulous in Hope Floats…but does he really need to keep himself in the public consciousness? Here lately he's been shot around town hangin' with Jake Gyllenhaal and Lance Armstrong (another nutsack). Every time I turn on the television it's like watching the three Musketeers.

• I'm watching the UT v. OSU game and they show Matthew and Jake hanging out the window of their skybox. What a lovely couple they made.
• Later in the game they show Matthew sans Jake on the sidelines doing some sort of bizarre calisthenics routine.
• I go to ACL and they have to show Matthew on the jumbo-tron jammin' to the oldies with his old pals.
• I log onto MSNBC and I see an article about where Matthew's shirt has gone. Do we really care that much about the mysterious disappearance of the guys shirt? He's in love with HIMSELF. Of course he's going to be shirtless all of the time.
• And yesterday as I'm watching Oprah (I'm so sorry I said that out) I see her in the audience while Bon Jovi is playing for her show talking to some ass-faced dude with ridiculous looking facial hair and I say to myself, "IS THAT MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY?" And wouldn't you know, it was. He was desperately looking over Oprah's shoulder trying to make contact with the camera. "LOOK AT ME...LOOK AT ME. I'M MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY...I'M A HAS-BEEN STAR".



Can't Matthew just shun the spotlight like Suri Cruise? Does he have to be everywhere? Can't he just go back to making mediocre movies and quit ruining all the things that are good in life? Like football and music? Does he have to be such a media whore?

By the way. Before anyone feels the need to point out that Matthew WASN'T in Hope Floats, I already knew that.