There is a phenomenon sweeping this great country that needs to be addressed. It also needs to be stopped. I fully realize I am about to alienate at least two of my readers, and one of my favorite. I'll let y'all fight it out amongst yourselves on who my fav is…that, in and of itself is it's own blog.
I'm talking about yard art. Basically, if it hasn't shot out of mother earth's own vagina, it has no business being in your yard. I honestly think a garden gnome here and there is cute. Perhaps a faux stone wagon strategically placed amid your bed of pansies might even be cute. An angel here and there? Knock yourself out. These types of adornments don't really bother me that much. In fact, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I don't have one or five of them.
I am, however, talking about this pervasive usage of these hideous holiday monstrosities that are hand sewn nylon creations (hand sewn by 4 10 year olds in a Thailand sweat shop) with the motorized blowers assembled by some equally inept 8 year old in Taiwan. If your yard decoration has a blower as part of the display, get rid of it. It's not cute, it's not festive, the neighbors are not "going to love it".
Jed's mom was here a couple of weeks ago. She found one such yard display at a local Hell-Mart. She told Jed she was going to buy it. I wasn't there, but the exchange went something like this:
DIVA: OH JED! Look at that! Isn't it adorable? I want to get it for the boys.
JED: Uh, mom. I'm not really sure we're inflatable yard art people.
DIVA: But the boys will LOVE it.
JED: I'm not so sure Freddy will.
Jed was ABSOLUTELY right. There is no way in hell that I would allow an 8-foot tall (and equal diameter) blow up carousel with real spinning horses be blown up in my front yard. Forget the tackiness in my own yard. My neighbors, Hot Tommy and his wife, Hot Sarah, would kill me. RIDICULOUS. So they return from the local town killer and Diva says, "Jed's a joy killer. He wouldn't let me buy a blow up carousel for the boys. He said 'Y'all weren't YARD ART people' and I told him phewy." I told Diva that Jed, apparently, knew me better than I gave him credit for and that I was, in fact, not "yard art people." Good save Jed! I owe you one.
So I'm driving around the neighborhood and I would like to give you some visualizations of exactly what it is that FREDDY thinks is tack-y. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present to you exhibit 1:
This here happens to be the EXACT same carousel that Diva wanted to purchase for me. You tell me, readers. Was I being unreasonable?
Now I'm not sure I even like little snow globes in my house. They fall. They break. They're messy. Children cut their fingers on shards of broken glass. Why would I want this in my front yard?
After, what? 15 years on television, isn't it time you had him blown up in your front yard? And look how festive he is all dressed up in a Santa suit.
In case your children don't get enough of "It's a white Christmas Charlie Brown" on television, you can always send them out to your front yard to recreate it.
Why decorate ONE tree INSIDE your house when you can put 15 artificial trees OUTSIDE your house and import some metal deer to give it an added "country" feel to your city house.
Cute, tastefully done authentic candy cane archway to frame your walkway to your house with an inflatable chimney on top of your house with a Santa popping up and down. Now why didn't I think of that?
Don't have time to decorate a tree inside your house? Just blow one up outside.
This photo is a little blurry, but I wanted you to see the 6 foot tall bear "with gifts"…and it may actually clue you lazier readers into where I'm about to go next…
Don't want to go to Church or the theater this year to see the story of Jesus' birth? Not a problem. We've got you covered.
But the most amazing thing of all folks, in case you haven't figured it out yet…the common thing all these lovely inflatable pieces of art have is their location. Yes, you may have figured it out. They're all at the same house.
And I shit you not. This particular family must shop every post holiday sale throughout the year at every store in town looking for nothing but other inflatables. Because this is the scene in their front yard YEAR ROUND for every frickin' holiday. In fact, catch me in February for the 14 foot tall inflatable cupid and heart.
That's all I got. And frankly, it's enough.