Tuesday, April 22, 2008

You're my obsession

I’ve discussed a couple of times over the last couple of years the various collections or obsessions I’ve had. There was the Vespa phase; the bowling phase; the duct tape purse/wallet making phase; the fish phase; and they tank top phase. I’m sure there’s others…but for folks who know me closely, these will be the ones you recognize immediately. I have discovered, or should I say, I have known, that I come by it honestly. I wouldn’t call myself a hoarder, or even, really, a collector. JED is a collector…Freddy is an obsesser!

The last few high holy days that the entirety of my family has gotten together, my sisters and I have talked to my mother and father about the amount of “stuff” they have in their house and how it would be nice if they started purging now in an effort to help us siblings out in the future (if you catch my drift). The amount of time it’s going to take me and the sisters to clean out the cottage after the folks go take Logan for a walk in the future is mind-numbing. My mother gets rid of NOTHING. (And, mommy…if you’re reading this…it’s ALL meant with love!)

The last trip Jed and I took up there we tried to point out a few of the more ridiculous items she appears to be holding onto for no apparent reason. For example, she’s got CRATES of newspapers from around the time period of the Oklahoma City Murrah Building bombing. Timothy McVeigh is dead…no need to hold on to the papers, eh? The BOXES AND BOXES AND BOXES of “reel to reel” cassettes they have. Do any of you even know what a reel-to-reel is??? I rest my case. How about this little collection of hand lotions obtained from various hotel stays across the country over the years?

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For reals? Ain’t you supposed to use this shit? Isn’t lotion like milk? I’m almost positive it has an expiration date on it.

Another bizarre thing she “collects” is a drawer full of sun/reading glasses. Heading out the door and it’s bright outside? No problem. Grab some glasses. Know you’re going out to eat and won’t be able to read the fine print? Grab some glasses. But really folks. Aren’t these things REUSEABLE? Do you really NEED 90 pairs???

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In one of my parents 13 bathrooms, they have a nice collection of reading material for anyone needing to take a deuce. I actually remember enjoying reading Reader’s Digest when I was a kid. I think this is probably a crappy picture, and you may not be able to see it, but the date on these three magazines are FROM when I was a kid. Christmas gift idea for the folks, A CURRENT SUBSCRIPTION TO READERS DIGEST.

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Some of the collections mom has I actually appreciated. It made it SUPER easy on birthdays and Christmas to know what to get for her. That is the ONE nice thing about knowing someone with a collection. BUT the problem is, when she runs out of space, she forgets to tell you, “I no longer collect x”, or “I no longer collect y”, or “I know longer collect…”



OR…



I don’t have any more space for…



But I these make me feel safe, and I THINK I can still squeeze ONE more in…



Some of the collections I get. Really, I do. But WTF is this?



Look. If it looks like evil, smells like evil, and sounds evil, IT PROBABLY AIN’T A GOOD THING?

And last year’s monkey is this year’s

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Some of the collections are worth a fortune. I’ve already called dibs on this collection…not because I’m fond of small Germanic children, but I REALLY need an extra bathroom at my house…

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But these votive candle holders can be bought for 10 cents a piece at your local Goodwill…

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And I don’t even know what the hell this is??? Colored glass? PEOPLE COLLECT THIS SHIT?

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Do all these hearts surrounding my picture mean mom loves me??? Or am I just part of another collection (NO COMMENTS ALLOWED REGARDING MY 1973 PORNO ‘MUSTACHE’, SERIOUSLY)

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More hearts…

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I probably shouldn’t have done this blog. I feel a revenge blog coming. I know mom is going to come take a picture of my shit. Or worse, one of our friends will violate my secrets. It’s coo. It’ll inspire me to clean up around the house so the kids won’t have to.

What are your collections? I would love to see pictures if you can swing it!!!

3 comments:

Wes said...

Oh, I know what you mean about mother's who collect things. My mother has had many hobbies over her life. Sewing, painting, doll making, cooking and cookbook collecting, commemorative plates, knick-knacks, just to name a few. Then there are things of her parents that she has held onto when they died. My sister and I shudder with the thought that someday we will have to clean the house out when she's gone. If she goes before my father, I think he'll probably rent a dumpster and have it hauled away. If she goes second, it's up to me and sis.

Walt said...

I can totally identify with the fear of having to clean out your parents' house. I wish mine would start purging all the shit they've amassed over the years. It's all trash, too. The Beanie Babies, the M&M figures, the lunch boxes, the American Eagles, the Happy Meal Toys.... You get the idea of the white trash roots I come from.

Leah said...

NO NO NO those colored glass things are actually worth a fortune!!!!!!!!!!
They are covers from the tops of electricity posts. What the hell they cover, I don't know. All I know is that a whole bunch of those won't pay for your WHOLE bathroom, but they will fatten your wallet fairly nicely.
and don't ask me how the hell I know this but there you go. So don't get rid of them what ever you do.
Ebay those sunsofbitches.