I’ve discussed a couple of times over the last couple of years the various collections or obsessions I’ve had. There was the Vespa phase; the bowling phase; the duct tape purse/wallet making phase; the fish phase; and they tank top phase. I’m sure there’s others…but for folks who know me closely, these will be the ones you recognize immediately. I have discovered, or should I say, I have known, that I come by it honestly. I wouldn’t call myself a hoarder, or even, really, a collector. JED is a collector…Freddy is an obsesser!
The last few high holy days that the entirety of my family has gotten together, my sisters and I have talked to my mother and father about the amount of “stuff” they have in their house and how it would be nice if they started purging now in an effort to help us siblings out in the future (if you catch my drift). The amount of time it’s going to take me and the sisters to clean out the cottage after the folks go take Logan for a walk in the future is mind-numbing. My mother gets rid of NOTHING. (And, mommy…if you’re reading this…it’s ALL meant with love!)
The last trip Jed and I took up there we tried to point out a few of the more ridiculous items she appears to be holding onto for no apparent reason. For example, she’s got CRATES of newspapers from around the time period of the Oklahoma City Murrah Building bombing. Timothy McVeigh is dead…no need to hold on to the papers, eh? The BOXES AND BOXES AND BOXES of “reel to reel” cassettes they have. Do any of you even know what a reel-to-reel is??? I rest my case. How about this little collection of hand lotions obtained from various hotel stays across the country over the years?
For reals? Ain’t you supposed to use this shit? Isn’t lotion like milk? I’m almost positive it has an expiration date on it.
Another bizarre thing she “collects” is a drawer full of sun/reading glasses. Heading out the door and it’s bright outside? No problem. Grab some glasses. Know you’re going out to eat and won’t be able to read the fine print? Grab some glasses. But really folks. Aren’t these things REUSEABLE? Do you really NEED 90 pairs???
In one of my parents 13 bathrooms, they have a nice collection of reading material for anyone needing to take a deuce. I actually remember enjoying reading Reader’s Digest when I was a kid. I think this is probably a crappy picture, and you may not be able to see it, but the date on these three magazines are FROM when I was a kid. Christmas gift idea for the folks, A CURRENT SUBSCRIPTION TO READERS DIGEST.
Some of the collections mom has I actually appreciated. It made it SUPER easy on birthdays and Christmas to know what to get for her. That is the ONE nice thing about knowing someone with a collection. BUT the problem is, when she runs out of space, she forgets to tell you, “I no longer collect x”, or “I no longer collect y”, or “I know longer collect…”
I don’t have any more space for…
But I these make me feel safe, and I THINK I can still squeeze ONE more in…
Some of the collections I get. Really, I do. But WTF is this?
Look. If it looks like evil, smells like evil, and sounds evil, IT PROBABLY AIN’T A GOOD THING?
And last year’s monkey is this year’s
Some of the collections are worth a fortune. I’ve already called dibs on this collection…not because I’m fond of small Germanic children, but I REALLY need an extra bathroom at my house…
But these votive candle holders can be bought for 10 cents a piece at your local Goodwill…
And I don’t even know what the hell this is??? Colored glass? PEOPLE COLLECT THIS SHIT?
Do all these hearts surrounding my picture mean mom loves me??? Or am I just part of another collection (NO COMMENTS ALLOWED REGARDING MY 1973 PORNO ‘MUSTACHE’, SERIOUSLY)
I probably shouldn’t have done this blog. I feel a revenge blog coming. I know mom is going to come take a picture of my shit. Or worse, one of our friends will violate my secrets. It’s coo. It’ll inspire me to clean up around the house so the kids won’t have to.
What are your collections? I would love to see pictures if you can swing it!!!