Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Don we now our gay apparel

I have a somewhat embarrassing confession to make. I have personally ordered from the International Male Catalogue. In case you haven't checked out out the Catalogue, you should ( It's embarrassing because A) I think 1/3 of 1% of people out there can wear any of the clothes in this magazine, and B) I certainly wasn't in that winning percentage! While the clothes, or lack of, look good on the models in the magazine, you MUST possess certain attributes which, sadly, Freddy didn't. I'm not talking about my dick y'all, I GOTS that. No. I'm talking about the six-pack abs, the 16" discs a/k/a "pecs", or the bulging biceps. Okay. Maybe I had the biceps, but my abs were more like a keg than a six pack and we may as well just call my pecs what they are, moobs. You got to love a magazine that has an underwear section called "Problem Solvers"…IE: Your dick is so small, we can keep you from looking like a Ken-doll.

Now I'm not saying that I ordered from the catalogue last week. No, dear readers, it was many, MANY moons ago. I was very single at the time and I was, what you could call a "gym bunny". Though I never lifted weights, I did spend many a long afternoon in the gym on an aerobic type machine and/or a step-class or three. I was taking a trip to San Francisco under the mistaken impression (from having watched Full House on television) that San Francisco was a warm, sunny, metropolis. Who knew that it only got into the highs of the 80's during the summer with lows dipping down into the 40's when the sun went down. I should have watched Miami Vice instead.

So I purchased a pair of shorts and a swimsuit for my adventure out west. Please hold all snickering to a minimum.


The shorts, as you can see, are still in "high fashion" today. These are the EXACT same shorts I purchased 13 years ago. I don't recall them being this long though. They did have the split up the side, and nothing screams "gay" like a pair of Daisy Dukes with a 2 inch split up the side of your leg. To accentuate the outfit, I often wore these shorts with Camel hiking boots (which not only showed off my amazing calves, but also made the hem of the shorts look that much higher!) and a brightly colored knit sleeveless button up sweater vest without anything on underneath it. HOT, I tell you, NOT.


I also purchased this lovely swimsuit thinking that I would be spending an ample amount of time in the warm ocean waters of the Pacific. HOLY JESUS. Do people actually get in that water? I've had Cherry Limeaide Slushes warmer than the waters of the Pacific. I don't know what I was thinking with this swimsuit. It was not quite a Speedo, because they weren't briefs. Additionally, the ones I purchased were as brightly colored as the sweater vest I had to accompany my shorts. My "jewels" looked FANTASTIC in this suit, however combined with my keg, it wasn't a pretty sight. I did manage to attract some attention wearing these things, but I'm sure I ended up on some "what the hell was he thinking" website.


On a trip through a mall in Wichita, Kansas with an old friend of mine, I stopped in at one of those mall leather shops. I forget the name of it now, but I think they used to be a national chain. It wasn’t one of those leather shops that sold assless chaps and ball-gags. Rather they had all styles of leather jackets. Why I thought I needed a warm leather jacket in the ‘Bible belt’ of Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, I’ll never know. It’s not like it ever got cold enough to wear it. It did, however, look stunning on the dance floor when I was able to get all the fringe moving at once. I didn’t get the shiny polished version above. No, I got the black suede. I did, however, look JUST like the boy above. Except I was 140 pounds lighter, I had hair, and I hadn’t yet been able to grow facial hair.

Lastly, when I was in Junior High, Wham had just come out (not figuratively) with George Michael and his dual pierced ears. As we all know by now, Freddy was full on Guhay at that point and followed George's example and pierced both of my lobes, along with the cartilage at the top of my left ear. High style. I may have even owned this sweater. It was back in the day before Brian Austin Green made having both ears acceptable for straight men and the saying was still, "Left is right and right is wrong." I think that applied to the ear piercing for men anyway. Now that I think about it, maybe it was my political leanings??? I'm not sure, I'll get back to you on that.


RambleRedhead said...

You have such a skill with writing and especially loved this part:

I also purchased this lovely swimsuit thinking that I would be spending an ample amount of time in the warm ocean waters of the Pacific. HOLY JESUS. Do people actually get in that water? I've had Cherry Limeaide Slushes warmer than the waters of the Pacific.

So funny so good - keep up the great work!

Wes said...

Growing up near the pacific ocean, I know better about getting in the water >:)

I did purchase a tiny swim suit, like the one you posted a picture of, over the weekend on my trip to Palm Springs, cause that's what they all wear at the pool. I brought my boardshorts and my friends said, no you can't wear those. Sigh. I only wish my genitals looked as good as you say yours did.

Walt said...

Um, Wes... Pictures?

(F)redddy said...

Yeah, Wes. For reals. PICTURES. Let us be the judge.