Thursday, April 24, 2008

God does, in fact, work in mysterious ways

"Dearly beloved, We are gathered here today2 get through this thing called life

Electric word life, It means forever and that's a mighty long time

But I'm here 2 tell u, There's something else, The afterworld

A world of never ending happiness, U can always see the sun, day or night

So when u call up that shrink in Beverly Hills, U know the one - Dr Everything'll Be Alright. Instead of asking him how much of your time is left. Ask him how much of your mind, baby."

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here today to testify and to tell the world that through the power of prayer my lifelong struggles with weight control are completely over. Can I get an AMEN? You see, today I went to Taco Bell for lunch. Since I was on my scooter, I opted not to get my "usual" because I wouldn't be able to get the ginormous platter of nachos back to work with me. Instead, I opted for a whole new meal. Taco Bell has a new product right now called the Nacho Crunch Burrito. I decided, by ordering one of these delicious sounding delights, I would be killing two birds with one stone. I'd get my burrito AND my nachos. So I got one of these, two bean burritos, and two tacos...which would have been standard for me along with any nacho order!

As I was waiting for my food, I couldnt' help but overhearing the loud television in the dining area of Taco Bell. Normally they have it tuned to News 8 Austin, so I can catch my weather on the 8's, and the news about Austin's latest serial raper. But today, folks, they had it tuned to The 700 Club. Today's "message" was all about the healing power of prayer and touch. Rather than praying that someone touch me, I just listened, praying that my order would hurry up. I'll be damned if preacher man didn't start telling a story about "Chris" (I'm sure, a made up name).

Chris was suffering from a horrible affliction of "painful, pus filled, blisters, that oozed constantly" when she "accidentally tuned into their program". Through the power of prayer in touch, The 700 Club is happy to announce that not only are Chris' blisters GONE, but there's no scar tissue anywhere to be seen. Praise Jesus. Thank God for that.

So next I take a bite out of my Chicken Nacho Crunch burrito. You would be surprised how the mind plays tricks on someone when they bite into a nacho cheese and sour cream stuffed burrito with refried beans. Yes ladies and gentlemen, my burrito tasted just like this:

Thank you 700 Club. Thank you Taco Bell. From now on, I am a full-on anorexiant. I hope you're happy. Praise Jesus.


Walt said...

That's gotta hurt.

My backyard abuts a Taco Bell. I don't usually smell any of the processed goodness coming from it's doors except this time of the year. The first week we have the windows open, all I can smell is the deep fried goodness. The Long John Silver's half of the place has smelled particularly delicious this week. Another day or so and I'll be immune to it again for another year.