Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The wheels on the bus STILL go round and round

So some almost four months have now gone by and the boys and I are still using public transportation. I can’t say that it’s been a horrible experience. The biggest positive I can share with you is that I have spent exactly $28 on gas since January 15th. Boo-yah! There haven’t been too many negatives. There has been the occasional child melt-down on the way home. But these events have been few and far between and are easily resolved with a pack of crackers and/or a movie on the Ipod. That said, I need a new Ipod, because Adrian has claimed mine as his own.

Other than that, things have gone relatively smoothly on the bus. We have the same bus driver every day and Adrian has started, recently, telling her as he gets off, “I love you.” She laughs and tells him she loves him too. I don’t really understand their relationship, but hey, it works. Periodically she will bring him little snack bags of M&M’s, which, now that I mention it, was a bit problematic in the beginning and I had to tell Adrian that it was rude to ask her every day if she brought him any. Perhaps this is why he tells her he loves her…a little passive aggressive ploy to ensure a daily supply of M&M’s? I dunno.

I DO have some pet-peeves regarding public transportation now that I didn’t have before, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to share some of these with you…

  • If you happen to want to avoid conversation with others by wearing your headphones and listening to music, please make sure that the music is either turned down low enough that you can still enjoy it without having to subject the rest of us to your crappy tunes, or put a little more Miley Cirus on your player so we can enjoy it too.
  • If you are over 40% of your ideal body weight and you decide to take the aisle seat that happens to have someone sitting by the window (or even if you’re your ideal body weight…or under your ideal body weight) and your bus stop is coming up, PLEASE just ask the person sitting by the “stop-cord” to pull it for you rather than stretching out your fat hairy unshowered arm in front of my, er, uh, the window seat’s occupant, face. Seriously. I won’t kill you if you ask me to pull the cord for you, but I may if I have to smell your B.O. one more time.
  • Speaking of B.O., shower…regularly. Now I know those of you who know me well, or have been reading for any length of time, know that I don’t shower on the weekend(s). However, I don’t ride the bus on the weekend either.
  • PLEASE DON’T TOUCH MY CHILD. EVER. I don’t cut your throat, you don’t touch my child. Deal? Don’t wiggle his foot. Don’t jab your index finger in his belly. Don’t rub his hair. DON’T TOUCH MY FUCKING CHILD. I don’t know where your hands have been, nor do I know when you last washed them. Also, IT’S JUST PLAIN CREEPY TOUCHING CHILDREN YOU DON’T KNOW. Please, don’t EVER, touch my child. Understand?
  • I realize you may see me on the same bus at the same time on most every day of the week for about 30 minutes. I don’t really feel like this makes us “friends”. Don’t ask me the intimate details of my life. It’s none of your business whether my wife appreciates me picking up our children every day; if I get the best father’s day gifts because of my dedication to my children; if I’ve lost my driver’s license because of a DUI; if I’ve got plans for dinner. Here’s the deal. I don’t care about you, so you shouldn’t care about me.
  • Are you fucking blind you dumb cunty shit sucking whore? Do you seriously have to use every “colorful” word in your vocabulary right in front of my children (who love to parrot EVERYTHING)??? Is that really necessary? Here’s some tips. Instead of saying, “Dat chicken was fucking delish”, why don’t you try, “that was some of the most tasty chicken I’ve ever had.” Instead of saying, “He pulled his fat cock out of my twat and shot his hot creamy load right into my eye,” why don’t you read the paragraph above this one. So, to sum it up, shut your fucking mouth in front of my children and I won’t cut your fucking illiterate throat? Mmmmkay?
  • I love that you’re trying to save the environment by riding the bus, really I do. I love it even more that you split the trip up between your bicycle and the bus that I’m riding. These bus racks on the front of all Cap Metro buses are not rocket science, sweetie. Seriously. If you could maybe have your shit ready, BEFORE the bus pulls up (instead of waiting for it to pull up) IE: Have your helmet off; have your saddle bags off; have your bike locks off; etc.. My bus ride is 30 minutes and I don’t appreciate you adding another 10 to that by taking your sweet time. This is not YOUR bus, it’s ALL of ours.
  • There are trash cans located at each and every bus stop. Could you please take your empty food wrappers, cups, used condoms, and anything else you brought onto the bus with you off the bus so my children don’t pick it up and say, “Daddy, can I have a snack?” How old are you anyway.
  • If the bus is relatively full and people get on, move your leg off the seat next to you, and stop pretending to “sleep”. There’s plenty of space for everyone if you aren’t taking up three spots.
  • I KNOW JESUS SAVES. I also know you’re not really deaf. So please keep your post cards, I’m not interested.

These are just a few things that will make EVERYONE’S ride much more enjoyable. Thank you for listening, and have a nice day.


Walt said...

Since changing careers 2 1/2 years ago, I've had a chance to revisit mass transit. I understand most of your pain. Even in a small city like Albany, we get all that stuff you mention. And more.

Candy said...

Love it! And can't agree more with your observations.

Nessa said...

I can't beleive people would say things like that in front of your kids! Thats so disresepctful. I wish we had good public transportation here.