Yesterday at the office I noticed my dear sweet Kevin in Danbury on the gchat and noticed he had a cutesy little icon next to his name…a webcam icon. I hadn’t realized gchat HAD audio/video chat now and thought it would be cool to video chat with Kevin, since I hadn’t seen him since our last trip to NYC.
I downloaded the program for the gchat chat chat and installed it. When it started up and did the configuration I was bummed to notice the little blue light on my webcam hadn’t come on. No worries. You typically have to restart your computra after an install, right? I closed everything up and clicky clickied on the start button and restarted my baby. But…then…something…dreadful…happened! My computra didn’t restart. It never shut down. It kept spinning and spinning like Pete Burns (PRE-sex change). I ended up having to do a hard close on my machine to get it to shut down. No worries.
When the computer started whirling again, it went through the standard, “you were an idiot and didn’t shut down properly…I’m going to take 20 minutes to scan your drives to be sure nothing is fucked up”. It never finished. It shut itself down, midway, and restarted again…the second time, it DID finish the disc scan. I IMMEDIATELY went to my add/remove programs button to undo what I had just did. Unistalled the WHOLE enchilada, beans, AND rice. I restarted my computer again, and even though it shut down properly, when it booted back up again it went through the whole disc scan again. I thought it was odd, but honestly didn’t think much of it.
After everything was set right in the world again I opened up my cybercam program to verify my camera was working again. No blue light. Nothing…except a message saying “no camera detected, plug that thing in and let me look again”. (My computer is even sassier than me sometimes!) I went through my entire device manager thing and noticed that the “video devices” were no longer an option for me. I knew I had JUST used the camera, because I had used it to post that totally awesome picture of my new wallet on January 7th. So I did what any rational thinking queer would do.
I did a system restore to the last restore point right before the 7th. I KNEW my camera worked on the 7th (MUST do more video conferencing!!!), therefore restoring my system to right before that point would solve everything. The restore took about 6 minutes and the computer shut itself down to reboot.
When it came back on…IT WENT THROUGH THE DISC SCAN AGAIN! Jesus H. Christ. I went back to the device manager, still no video devices. Went back to the cybercam program JUST TO VERIFY what I already knew, no blue light and same message about no camera found…yadda yadda yadda, plug it in, I’ll give it a tug, we can video conference” message. I tried to do an “add hardware” command, “no new hardware found”. I felt a little defeated.
I knew I had to get my camera fixed pronto. If not for my legions of adoring fans who love pictures of my super hot, humble, self, then so I can have video conference with Jed for the next 9 weeks while I’m back in school so he doesn’t forget what I look like.
I logged on to the HP Help Desk “instachat” thingymabob. After a GRUELING hour and 40 minutes text chat with my technician, he informed me, “Mr. (F)reddy, your computer sir, is, how we say, FUBAR. You know FUBAR? It mean FUCKT UP BEYOND REPAIRS we can do on the intrawebs”. He went on to say, “HOWEVER, I have good news for you Mr. (F)reddy. I have looked at your purchase history and your computer we are try to fix today sir is covered under HP’s warranty sir. And what I am going to do is send you a box and a FedEx label. You, sir, will send us your computer and we will have it fixed and back to you within three days”.
PHENOMENAL.
EXCEPT.
WHY COULDN’T THIS HAVE HAPPENED IN THE LAST SEVEN WEEKS?
WHY did it have to happen THE NIGHT BEFORE I GO BACK TO SCHOOL?
WHAT THE HELL am I supposed to use for school until…
Oh wait! It should be back before Monday, right?!?
Today I spent the better part of the day doing a back up of my files and programs. I’m trusting I did it correctly. Cuz I got about 40 gb of videos from using a bulb syringe to pull bloody mucous plugs from Nathan’s nose and other awesome events from my children’s first 4 years. I’ve got about 37 gb of pictures that I will die if I never get to see again. I have 83 gb of music. I’ve got EVERY SINGLE document I’ve ever created since my umbilical cord dropped off saved in my documents. (Not quite sure how much space that takes up).
I’m mostly bummed because I have programs that I purchased and use frequently that won’t come with a factory reimaged machine. I’m worried about my contacts. I’m worried about my OCD calendars. (Seriously people, you have NO idea how bad my calendar addiction is. I have menus and grocery lists already made out through 2017.) I’m worried about the programs that I bought online that I didn’t save passwords for “unlocking”. Mostly, though, I’m worried about my memories. I ain’t shit without my computer. I can’t even remember my sweet precious boyfriend, Robert’s, name without my computer.
I suppose CHECKING the “backup” would be the most obvious thing to do to VERIFY everything copied over. And I did look…but all the files in the back up are zipped, or otherwise compressed. It’s not like I can just click on the “My Pictures” link and see all of my photos (arranged alphabetically by persons in the picture, location taken, year taken, approximate time of day taken, and what I was thinking when I took the picture). Same thing with the music. I’m basically taking a leap of faith that technology is saving the $32 MILLION dollars I’ve spent on music over the last three decades (I itemize for the IRS, that’s how I’m able to give you exact figures).
I’ll be sending my life-line to the world to some anonymous stranger in Malaysia to blow the pubic hair out from under the key board and fix my stupid, STUPID camera (and other system failures). If you don’t hear from me ever again it’s because I didn’t save my contacts, favorites, or RSS feeds correctly…I haven’t died, nor have you angered me.
MOSTLY, however, I want to say, KEVIN YOU’RE A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG FOR HAVING GOOGLE AUDIO/VISUAL ON YOUR COMPUTER AND MAKING ME WANT TO TALK TO YOU YESTERDAY. YOU’RE DEAD IN MY EYES. YOU HEAR ME? DEAD.
Hope you’re well...AND enjoying your new president. Oh, and in case you missed it! CLASSES started back up tonight…so there’s a chance, if you don’t hear from me for a while, THAT has something to do with it too!
Showing posts with label (F)reddy's (F)alling apart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label (F)reddy's (F)alling apart. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Thursday, December 11, 2008
December Challenge Day 11
MIND PURGE:
I’ve been mostly awake since 242 this morning. I know this, because I got up and walked into the living room to see what time it was. The funny thing is, when I woke up I felt completely refreshed. Like I seriously thought I had OVER-slept and was running late. Noticing it was only 242, I knew I should probably lay back down and try to finish out the night. But I couldn’t fall asleep, of course, UNTIL about 30 minutes before the alarm was scheduled to go off…then I was COMPLETELY knocked out. My mind, during that three hours, was racing on a variety of topics. None really interesting, mind you. BUT since I have this “challenge”, what better place to purge, eh?
THE CONTINUING SAGA OF MY TOOTHLESS ASSHOLE:
I’m so glad hot Dr. Michael from Stuttgart took the time to post a comment on my blog yesterday. He rarely does, so when he shows up it’s an extra special treat. It may have been the subject matter, given Michael is a dentist, and one that I wouldn’t mind drilling around in my mouth! But he sort of touched on something very important in follow up to yesterday’s shag-nasty story.
I went to the Dental Barn and my uber-Metrosexual dentist listened to my tale of woe. He then said, “I can do an impression for you for a new crown today, or you can continue looking for your crown for the next two days and if you find it you can bring it in and I’ll put it back on”. Now, folks, I didn’t drop the thing on the floor in my living room and just couldn’t see it. What he had in mind was totally what Jed suggested. He wanted me to filter through my pooh and look for my tooth. He said, “I know it sounds disgusting, but we do it all the time. We’ll just wash it off, pop it in our sterilizer and it’ll be cleaner than it’s been for the last 8 years you’ve had it in there”. And he actually put my mind at ease. What sealed the deal was when he said, “It’ll be the difference between $518 for a new crown, or a $20 co-pay to have the original cemented back in”.
$498 is a lot of money. It didn’t take much convincing for me to decide what I was going to do. I told his dental hygienist that I would schedule an appointment for Friday morning and that I would look for the tooth between now and then. On Friday I will either bring in a corn-covered tooth, or I’ll have a new one made. I called in sick to work (NOT GAY), stopped by my local Walgreen’s for a bottle of Mag Citrate and went home to shit myself crazy for the rest of the day looking for my tooth.
NOW, I realize I’m opening myself up to a life-time of “Your breath smells like shit” jokes. SO, I have decided that I’m NOT going to reveal, ever, whether or not I found the tooth and whether or not I’ve got a new one. If any of you meet me in person, you’ll just have to wonder yourselves for the rest of your life! So this is officially the end of my traveling tooth saga.
THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME FOR THE HOLIGAYS:
Jed and I are 100% on the same page about where we spend Christmas day. Our boys WILL wake up in their own beds on Christmas day for the next dozen or so years so they can see what Satan brings them. This is our decision. It doesn’t matter what we have to do to be sure we’ll make that happen. The last couple of years we have gone to Galveston the day before Christmas eve, done the family Christmas eve spectacular on Christmas eve and then we load up the car and immediately head home at warp speed. Yeah, driving at midnight for 4 hours on Christmas eve sucks, but it’s completely worth it to see the boy’s faces on Christmas morning. THIS year, I’m not sure what’s going on. For the first time in a decade, our schedules don’t match up. Jed is off on the 24th and 25th, and I am off on the 25th and 26th. I guess the good news is we’re both off on Christmas day. But we may need to split up on Christmas eve, which totally sucks. The LAST time we split up on Christmas eve didn’t end well and I got stuck in OKC for a week! I’m having a mini-freak out about what this Christmas will look like.
ADDITIONALLY, my mind was racing about things I still have left to do “gift-wise” to finish preparing for the holidays. I still haven’t bought the boys anything. It’s hard to buy stuff before I actually need it. Living in a very small house, we have limited hiding space, and it never fails that Adrian will find it and bring it to me and ask if he can open it now. So I’ve been putting it off on one hand, but on the other hand I still don’t know what I want to get them. I also still have to get some more stuff for Cousin Ashley’s husband…whom I don’t really know that well insofar as what kind of stuff he likes…but I “drew” his name for the family gift exchange and am obligated to do so. AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT I still have to make all my candies and snacks and other stuff for all of the teachers, aides, bus drivers, etc. that are involved in the boy’s lives. I’ve got to do that this weekend…and while I love cooking, I stress out about whether or not I’ve forgotten anyone.
My dearest Walt has sent me 4 gigs of Christmas music that I’ve been playing on a non-stop loop since the beginning of December…so that’s been helping me get in the mood for Christmas and getting all this stuff done.
ABA:
I’m not talking about the Swedish pop SUPERSTARS…I’m talking about the end of this very long semester. The semester wasn’t longer than usual, it was mostly long because of the HUGE number of complete idiots in the classes I’ve had. I’ve discovered that I actually ENJOY math. Who knew? I distinctly recall, from high school, saying daily that this stuff was pointless and I’d never use it. And I was right. I’ve NEVER used it. And so when I had to take all these math classes for my degree program I had a little mini-freak-out. It turns out that I’m purdy good at this math thing. It’s like working a puzzle in a way. I killed the curve in the math class I took this semester. I was kicking myself last night because I showed up to take my final. And as professor hottie was handing out the exam he asked the idiot next to me if she had taken the last test yet. She said, “No, I’m going to take the zero and substitute it for my final”. I was confused. I said, “Huh? We don’t have to take the final”? And I was informed that the lowest test grade is dropped and that if we were fine with our previous grades we didn’t need to take the test. I’ve gotten a consistent 98, 98, 98, 94 on the four tests we’ve taken. So I technically didn’t need to take the test. BUT since I was there already AND I find it disrespectful to not show up when the professors give up their time, I decided to stay and take the test. And I’m glad I did. I really enjoyed taking that test…and that class, in general.
My history class sucks balls. I hate history. History sucks. You know why history sucks? Because everyone from history is dead, and being dead sucks. What I beat myself up about is I didn’t even have to take this fucking class. It wasn’t a requirement for my degree program. I was SUPPOSED to take a GOVERNMENT class, and I accidentally signed up for history. I didn’t realize it until a week before the final drop date, and by that point I had committed and decided to finish it. DESPITE the fact that it’s going to completely fuck up my 4.0 GPA. Because I’m going to be DAMN lucky if I get a B in the class. The final is tonight, so this is another thing that kept my mind racing.
My English Comp II class was ANOTHER freebie class that I ACCIDENTALLY signed up for this semester. I REALLY must learn to read the fine print, eh? I thought it was a logical assumption that if you were required to take ENGLISH COMP I, that English Comp II was going to be a requirement. OTHERWISE, why the fuck would you put the “I”??? So I’m beating myself up for wasting an entire semester with two classes I didn’t even need. Fortunately for me I skated through my English Comp II class. And I really, really enjoyed it. I had a mini-anxiety attack at the beginning of the semester because the Comp II class was different than the Comp I class in regards to in Comp I you were allowed to pick your own subject matter for your essays. In Comp II, we had to do literary analysis of short fiction. I think everyone is aware that I don’t “pleasure read”? I hate reading almost as much as I hate dentists (EXCEPT FOR YOU MICHAEL!). The thought of having to read 19 stories in 9 weeks filled me with dread. It ended up not being so bad, but…fine print (F)reddy, read…fine…print. As I said, SKATED by, got an A. Done with it.
While on the subject of my grades and school in general, I suppose now would be a good time to announce the results of the latest blog poll. In regards to how many classes I should take this next semester: 4 of you think I should cut back to 1 class and take 19 years to finish this damn thing; 6 of you think I should go back to the 2 that I took last semester; only 2 of you thought I did okay with the 3 classes I took this semester while maintaining my on-line life; and 2 of you thought I was too old to be in school and should finish this up quicker and take 4 classes. While I didn’t take any of the votes into serious consideration, I decided to (AND ALREADY DID) enroll in 4 classes this next semester.
WHERE ARE MY…:
The last thing that was rushing through my pea-sized brain during the early morning hours was the amount of stuff I want to get done around the house during the next 4 weeks before this next semester starts. I have NO idea how or if I’ll be able to get it done, but my list is growing. I’ll just check it off a little at a time and won’t sweat the rest.
I’ve been mostly awake since 242 this morning. I know this, because I got up and walked into the living room to see what time it was. The funny thing is, when I woke up I felt completely refreshed. Like I seriously thought I had OVER-slept and was running late. Noticing it was only 242, I knew I should probably lay back down and try to finish out the night. But I couldn’t fall asleep, of course, UNTIL about 30 minutes before the alarm was scheduled to go off…then I was COMPLETELY knocked out. My mind, during that three hours, was racing on a variety of topics. None really interesting, mind you. BUT since I have this “challenge”, what better place to purge, eh?
THE CONTINUING SAGA OF MY TOOTHLESS ASSHOLE:
I’m so glad hot Dr. Michael from Stuttgart took the time to post a comment on my blog yesterday. He rarely does, so when he shows up it’s an extra special treat. It may have been the subject matter, given Michael is a dentist, and one that I wouldn’t mind drilling around in my mouth! But he sort of touched on something very important in follow up to yesterday’s shag-nasty story.
I went to the Dental Barn and my uber-Metrosexual dentist listened to my tale of woe. He then said, “I can do an impression for you for a new crown today, or you can continue looking for your crown for the next two days and if you find it you can bring it in and I’ll put it back on”. Now, folks, I didn’t drop the thing on the floor in my living room and just couldn’t see it. What he had in mind was totally what Jed suggested. He wanted me to filter through my pooh and look for my tooth. He said, “I know it sounds disgusting, but we do it all the time. We’ll just wash it off, pop it in our sterilizer and it’ll be cleaner than it’s been for the last 8 years you’ve had it in there”. And he actually put my mind at ease. What sealed the deal was when he said, “It’ll be the difference between $518 for a new crown, or a $20 co-pay to have the original cemented back in”.
$498 is a lot of money. It didn’t take much convincing for me to decide what I was going to do. I told his dental hygienist that I would schedule an appointment for Friday morning and that I would look for the tooth between now and then. On Friday I will either bring in a corn-covered tooth, or I’ll have a new one made. I called in sick to work (NOT GAY), stopped by my local Walgreen’s for a bottle of Mag Citrate and went home to shit myself crazy for the rest of the day looking for my tooth.
NOW, I realize I’m opening myself up to a life-time of “Your breath smells like shit” jokes. SO, I have decided that I’m NOT going to reveal, ever, whether or not I found the tooth and whether or not I’ve got a new one. If any of you meet me in person, you’ll just have to wonder yourselves for the rest of your life! So this is officially the end of my traveling tooth saga.
THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME FOR THE HOLIGAYS:
Jed and I are 100% on the same page about where we spend Christmas day. Our boys WILL wake up in their own beds on Christmas day for the next dozen or so years so they can see what Satan brings them. This is our decision. It doesn’t matter what we have to do to be sure we’ll make that happen. The last couple of years we have gone to Galveston the day before Christmas eve, done the family Christmas eve spectacular on Christmas eve and then we load up the car and immediately head home at warp speed. Yeah, driving at midnight for 4 hours on Christmas eve sucks, but it’s completely worth it to see the boy’s faces on Christmas morning. THIS year, I’m not sure what’s going on. For the first time in a decade, our schedules don’t match up. Jed is off on the 24th and 25th, and I am off on the 25th and 26th. I guess the good news is we’re both off on Christmas day. But we may need to split up on Christmas eve, which totally sucks. The LAST time we split up on Christmas eve didn’t end well and I got stuck in OKC for a week! I’m having a mini-freak out about what this Christmas will look like.
ADDITIONALLY, my mind was racing about things I still have left to do “gift-wise” to finish preparing for the holidays. I still haven’t bought the boys anything. It’s hard to buy stuff before I actually need it. Living in a very small house, we have limited hiding space, and it never fails that Adrian will find it and bring it to me and ask if he can open it now. So I’ve been putting it off on one hand, but on the other hand I still don’t know what I want to get them. I also still have to get some more stuff for Cousin Ashley’s husband…whom I don’t really know that well insofar as what kind of stuff he likes…but I “drew” his name for the family gift exchange and am obligated to do so. AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT I still have to make all my candies and snacks and other stuff for all of the teachers, aides, bus drivers, etc. that are involved in the boy’s lives. I’ve got to do that this weekend…and while I love cooking, I stress out about whether or not I’ve forgotten anyone.
My dearest Walt has sent me 4 gigs of Christmas music that I’ve been playing on a non-stop loop since the beginning of December…so that’s been helping me get in the mood for Christmas and getting all this stuff done.
ABA:
I’m not talking about the Swedish pop SUPERSTARS…I’m talking about the end of this very long semester. The semester wasn’t longer than usual, it was mostly long because of the HUGE number of complete idiots in the classes I’ve had. I’ve discovered that I actually ENJOY math. Who knew? I distinctly recall, from high school, saying daily that this stuff was pointless and I’d never use it. And I was right. I’ve NEVER used it. And so when I had to take all these math classes for my degree program I had a little mini-freak-out. It turns out that I’m purdy good at this math thing. It’s like working a puzzle in a way. I killed the curve in the math class I took this semester. I was kicking myself last night because I showed up to take my final. And as professor hottie was handing out the exam he asked the idiot next to me if she had taken the last test yet. She said, “No, I’m going to take the zero and substitute it for my final”. I was confused. I said, “Huh? We don’t have to take the final”? And I was informed that the lowest test grade is dropped and that if we were fine with our previous grades we didn’t need to take the test. I’ve gotten a consistent 98, 98, 98, 94 on the four tests we’ve taken. So I technically didn’t need to take the test. BUT since I was there already AND I find it disrespectful to not show up when the professors give up their time, I decided to stay and take the test. And I’m glad I did. I really enjoyed taking that test…and that class, in general.
My history class sucks balls. I hate history. History sucks. You know why history sucks? Because everyone from history is dead, and being dead sucks. What I beat myself up about is I didn’t even have to take this fucking class. It wasn’t a requirement for my degree program. I was SUPPOSED to take a GOVERNMENT class, and I accidentally signed up for history. I didn’t realize it until a week before the final drop date, and by that point I had committed and decided to finish it. DESPITE the fact that it’s going to completely fuck up my 4.0 GPA. Because I’m going to be DAMN lucky if I get a B in the class. The final is tonight, so this is another thing that kept my mind racing.
My English Comp II class was ANOTHER freebie class that I ACCIDENTALLY signed up for this semester. I REALLY must learn to read the fine print, eh? I thought it was a logical assumption that if you were required to take ENGLISH COMP I, that English Comp II was going to be a requirement. OTHERWISE, why the fuck would you put the “I”??? So I’m beating myself up for wasting an entire semester with two classes I didn’t even need. Fortunately for me I skated through my English Comp II class. And I really, really enjoyed it. I had a mini-anxiety attack at the beginning of the semester because the Comp II class was different than the Comp I class in regards to in Comp I you were allowed to pick your own subject matter for your essays. In Comp II, we had to do literary analysis of short fiction. I think everyone is aware that I don’t “pleasure read”? I hate reading almost as much as I hate dentists (EXCEPT FOR YOU MICHAEL!). The thought of having to read 19 stories in 9 weeks filled me with dread. It ended up not being so bad, but…fine print (F)reddy, read…fine…print. As I said, SKATED by, got an A. Done with it.
While on the subject of my grades and school in general, I suppose now would be a good time to announce the results of the latest blog poll. In regards to how many classes I should take this next semester: 4 of you think I should cut back to 1 class and take 19 years to finish this damn thing; 6 of you think I should go back to the 2 that I took last semester; only 2 of you thought I did okay with the 3 classes I took this semester while maintaining my on-line life; and 2 of you thought I was too old to be in school and should finish this up quicker and take 4 classes. While I didn’t take any of the votes into serious consideration, I decided to (AND ALREADY DID) enroll in 4 classes this next semester.
WHERE ARE MY…:
The last thing that was rushing through my pea-sized brain during the early morning hours was the amount of stuff I want to get done around the house during the next 4 weeks before this next semester starts. I have NO idea how or if I’ll be able to get it done, but my list is growing. I’ll just check it off a little at a time and won’t sweat the rest.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
December Challenge Day 10
WARNING: THIS MAY BE THE MOST DISGUSTING THING YOU’VE EVER SEEN WRITTEN BY ME. IF YOU HAVE A WEAK CONSTITUTION OR ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF EATING ANYTHING YOU MAY WANT TO JUST CLOSE YOUR BROWSER AND NOT CONTINUE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
So those of you following me on the Twitters are aware that one of my crowns fell off on Sunday evening. I was lucky enough to catch it and washed it off good and scrubbed my stub of a tooth left in my mouth and popped it back on. I had planned on calling the dentist on Monday to have it recemented in place.
Monday was busy. I never got around to making the call. Between studying for my brutal math test and filling out the 380-some odd Christmas cards I had to send out, I just didn’t have the time. I planned to call on Tuesday.
Tuesday was equally busy. As I was mid-dial, I got a pop up notification on my phone reminding me of an appointment I had with Nate’s speech therapist. So I had to do that instead. While back in my office eating my Church’s fried chicken for lunch, my crown popped off again. I went to the bathroom, brushed it off, rinsed my mouth, and plopped the crown back in place. I said in my head that I would call on Wednesday.
I got home from work and made dinner for the fam. We were having one of my personal favorites, Sloppy (F)reddy’s with steak fries. Dinner done, sat down and did “Yaaaay family” with the kids. I took a bite of my sammich, washed it down with some fries. I stuck another bite in and noticed something didn’t feel right. I’ll be go to hell if I didn’t swallow my fucking crown. It was gone. Nowhere to be found in my mouth.
Jed looked at me and asked what was wrong. I told him I had just swallowed my crown. He asked if I was okay. I said that I was. But then I had dollar signs running through my head. I didn’t want to have to pay $2000 for another crown. Not this close to the holidays. And so I weighed my options.
Jed asked if it would come out with my poop. And I said that it would. But I asked, “Do I really want to stick a crown back in my mouth that came out my ass”? And he said, “You could boil it in hot water first”. And I thought, “Huh. He’s right”.
But that was just a little too much for me. I’m cheap, and I hate going to the dentist with all my heart and soul, but my cheapness only goes so far. AND, sometimes I get lucky and I get “the cute” dentist at my local dental barn.
I decided the best course of action would be to get it back immediately rather than waiting for it come out my bunghole. I went in the bathroom and grabbed a bucket. I certainly didn’t want to throw my crown up in the toilet and then have to flush it out of there. Coming out my asshole would have been cleaner. So down on the floor I started shoving my fingers down my throat trying to induce vomiting. After a few heavy heaves, I only amassed a few blobs of spittle. More drastic measures were needed.
I ran up to my local Walgreen’s and picked me up a jar of ipecac syrup. That shit’s tasty, yo. For real. Back in the bathroom I took a good tablespoon and a half. It was slightly more than required by label, but I had 40 minutes to get to school. After taking the dose, I re-read the label and it said, “If vomiting doesn’t occur within 30 minutes, call physician”. SHIT! I DIDN’T HAVE 30 MINUTES. I had to be to school in 40.
So I grabbed my bucket again and went in the bedroom, locked the door, and got horizontal on the bed on my stomach with my head hanging over the bed. And I proceeded to induce vomiting the Karen Carpenter way, by shoving my balled up fist down my throat.
I learned some things last night:
· I’m so cheap that I would rather vomit a crown to have re-cemented in my mouth than pay $2000 for a new one.
· I’m fear dentist…but it didn’t take the experience to realize that.
· I could never be a bulimic.
· My gag reflex isn’t nearly as shallow as I thought.
· Syrup of ipecac is actually quite tasty going down.
· “Last down” doesn’t mean “first up”.
· Church’s chicken remains in your stomach longer than 6 hours.
· I REALLY need to chew up my food better instead of swallowing large pieces.
· The spicy coating on Church’s chicken burns the fuck out of your sinus cavity when it is projected upwards at a high velocity.
· LONG after you vomit everything in your stomach, your crown STILL may not have come back up.
· If you ARE going to be bulimic, it’s a good idea to have a towel at your side, because when your fingers get coated with vomit and become slippery, it’s harder to hit that gag reflex when you’re fingers are sliding around.
· Dentist’s offices aren’t open after 5.
· Dogs will it ANYTHING.
So I never got the crown back. Not that I could see anyway. Now I’m waiting for Jed to make my morning coffee so I can run to the toilet and see what comes out that end. And then I’m going to work and calling my dental barn to see if I can get in this morning to spend the boy’s Christmas gift money on my mouth.
Brush your teeth, folks. And don’t forget to floss.
Side note: For those who don’t already know, I netted my first A of the semester in my English Comp II class. The boy is pretty AND smart…and kind write, too. Final tonight in Algebra…I won’t need much luck on it, cuz I’m the smartest geezer in the class…and I’m not just saying that because of my large ego. Professor hottie actually TOLD me so.
So those of you following me on the Twitters are aware that one of my crowns fell off on Sunday evening. I was lucky enough to catch it and washed it off good and scrubbed my stub of a tooth left in my mouth and popped it back on. I had planned on calling the dentist on Monday to have it recemented in place.
Monday was busy. I never got around to making the call. Between studying for my brutal math test and filling out the 380-some odd Christmas cards I had to send out, I just didn’t have the time. I planned to call on Tuesday.
Tuesday was equally busy. As I was mid-dial, I got a pop up notification on my phone reminding me of an appointment I had with Nate’s speech therapist. So I had to do that instead. While back in my office eating my Church’s fried chicken for lunch, my crown popped off again. I went to the bathroom, brushed it off, rinsed my mouth, and plopped the crown back in place. I said in my head that I would call on Wednesday.
I got home from work and made dinner for the fam. We were having one of my personal favorites, Sloppy (F)reddy’s with steak fries. Dinner done, sat down and did “Yaaaay family” with the kids. I took a bite of my sammich, washed it down with some fries. I stuck another bite in and noticed something didn’t feel right. I’ll be go to hell if I didn’t swallow my fucking crown. It was gone. Nowhere to be found in my mouth.
Jed looked at me and asked what was wrong. I told him I had just swallowed my crown. He asked if I was okay. I said that I was. But then I had dollar signs running through my head. I didn’t want to have to pay $2000 for another crown. Not this close to the holidays. And so I weighed my options.
Jed asked if it would come out with my poop. And I said that it would. But I asked, “Do I really want to stick a crown back in my mouth that came out my ass”? And he said, “You could boil it in hot water first”. And I thought, “Huh. He’s right”.
But that was just a little too much for me. I’m cheap, and I hate going to the dentist with all my heart and soul, but my cheapness only goes so far. AND, sometimes I get lucky and I get “the cute” dentist at my local dental barn.
I decided the best course of action would be to get it back immediately rather than waiting for it come out my bunghole. I went in the bathroom and grabbed a bucket. I certainly didn’t want to throw my crown up in the toilet and then have to flush it out of there. Coming out my asshole would have been cleaner. So down on the floor I started shoving my fingers down my throat trying to induce vomiting. After a few heavy heaves, I only amassed a few blobs of spittle. More drastic measures were needed.
I ran up to my local Walgreen’s and picked me up a jar of ipecac syrup. That shit’s tasty, yo. For real. Back in the bathroom I took a good tablespoon and a half. It was slightly more than required by label, but I had 40 minutes to get to school. After taking the dose, I re-read the label and it said, “If vomiting doesn’t occur within 30 minutes, call physician”. SHIT! I DIDN’T HAVE 30 MINUTES. I had to be to school in 40.
So I grabbed my bucket again and went in the bedroom, locked the door, and got horizontal on the bed on my stomach with my head hanging over the bed. And I proceeded to induce vomiting the Karen Carpenter way, by shoving my balled up fist down my throat.
I learned some things last night:
· I’m so cheap that I would rather vomit a crown to have re-cemented in my mouth than pay $2000 for a new one.
· I’m fear dentist…but it didn’t take the experience to realize that.
· I could never be a bulimic.
· My gag reflex isn’t nearly as shallow as I thought.
· Syrup of ipecac is actually quite tasty going down.
· “Last down” doesn’t mean “first up”.
· Church’s chicken remains in your stomach longer than 6 hours.
· I REALLY need to chew up my food better instead of swallowing large pieces.
· The spicy coating on Church’s chicken burns the fuck out of your sinus cavity when it is projected upwards at a high velocity.
· LONG after you vomit everything in your stomach, your crown STILL may not have come back up.
· If you ARE going to be bulimic, it’s a good idea to have a towel at your side, because when your fingers get coated with vomit and become slippery, it’s harder to hit that gag reflex when you’re fingers are sliding around.
· Dentist’s offices aren’t open after 5.
· Dogs will it ANYTHING.
So I never got the crown back. Not that I could see anyway. Now I’m waiting for Jed to make my morning coffee so I can run to the toilet and see what comes out that end. And then I’m going to work and calling my dental barn to see if I can get in this morning to spend the boy’s Christmas gift money on my mouth.
Brush your teeth, folks. And don’t forget to floss.
Side note: For those who don’t already know, I netted my first A of the semester in my English Comp II class. The boy is pretty AND smart…and kind write, too. Final tonight in Algebra…I won’t need much luck on it, cuz I’m the smartest geezer in the class…and I’m not just saying that because of my large ego. Professor hottie actually TOLD me so.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
December Challenge Day 7
Most restaurants would flip out if they had a rodent infestation. Today Adrian and I went to a place that not only embraces rodents, they have them on payroll!
On Friday, the day Adrian had a melt down at school, I found, stuffed in the bottom of his back pack, an invitation to a classmate’s birthday party. The party was today at Chuck E. Cheeses, and I have to admit I had a lot more fun than I anticipated. Don’t get me wrong. We’re not getting a family fun pass or anything, but yeah. It was a’ight. And the diarrhea hasn’t started yet, so bonus.
Anthony’s mothers started the kids out with a coloring activity. If the kids finished a picture, they were given an additional 12 tokens (3 dollars) to play the games and ride the rides.
We were positioned right next to the animatronic stages, so it made the coloring seem boring. “The Kids” (Adrian and Anthony…and later Lilianna) were more interested in dancing with the robots.
Following subpar pizza and sodas, the kids were cut loose to play for a bit. Anthony and Adrian chased each other around the indoor playscape, and then I was able to coax Adrian onto a few theme rides.
The picture above was a roller coaster adventure. There is a screen in front of the cart and the cart, in theory, is supposed to mimic the actions of the ride. HOWEVER, I was watching from behind and the ride was out of sync with the video. Adrian didn’t seem to notice and had a great time.
I had posted a twitpic when I got there of the delicious candy apples Anthony’s mom had made. I was jealous. I so totally wanted one.
But at least I was able to have some of this cake. Folks, when I tell you this cake was the bomb, it was the bomb-digityest-bomb-bomb of cakes I’ve had in a long time. I wasn’t a huge fan of the icing, but the cake itself was a white cake with a strawberry cream cheese filling and sliced strawberries on top of the cream cheese. I almost nutted in Chuck E. Cheeses. How embarrassing is that?
The absolute best part of the occasion though, was I got to get this very sweet picture of my sweet little boy. I love that kid, and am glad that he’s got friends that will invite him to Chucky’s.
Completely random thought, I just felt a crown fall off in my mouth. JESUS! Seriously? THREE WEEKS BEFORE CHRISTMAS? Why can’t they fall off in March when the IRS pays me back???
On Friday, the day Adrian had a melt down at school, I found, stuffed in the bottom of his back pack, an invitation to a classmate’s birthday party. The party was today at Chuck E. Cheeses, and I have to admit I had a lot more fun than I anticipated. Don’t get me wrong. We’re not getting a family fun pass or anything, but yeah. It was a’ight. And the diarrhea hasn’t started yet, so bonus.
Anthony’s mothers started the kids out with a coloring activity. If the kids finished a picture, they were given an additional 12 tokens (3 dollars) to play the games and ride the rides.
We were positioned right next to the animatronic stages, so it made the coloring seem boring. “The Kids” (Adrian and Anthony…and later Lilianna) were more interested in dancing with the robots.
Following subpar pizza and sodas, the kids were cut loose to play for a bit. Anthony and Adrian chased each other around the indoor playscape, and then I was able to coax Adrian onto a few theme rides.
The picture above was a roller coaster adventure. There is a screen in front of the cart and the cart, in theory, is supposed to mimic the actions of the ride. HOWEVER, I was watching from behind and the ride was out of sync with the video. Adrian didn’t seem to notice and had a great time.
I had posted a twitpic when I got there of the delicious candy apples Anthony’s mom had made. I was jealous. I so totally wanted one.
But at least I was able to have some of this cake. Folks, when I tell you this cake was the bomb, it was the bomb-digityest-bomb-bomb of cakes I’ve had in a long time. I wasn’t a huge fan of the icing, but the cake itself was a white cake with a strawberry cream cheese filling and sliced strawberries on top of the cream cheese. I almost nutted in Chuck E. Cheeses. How embarrassing is that?
The absolute best part of the occasion though, was I got to get this very sweet picture of my sweet little boy. I love that kid, and am glad that he’s got friends that will invite him to Chucky’s.
Completely random thought, I just felt a crown fall off in my mouth. JESUS! Seriously? THREE WEEKS BEFORE CHRISTMAS? Why can’t they fall off in March when the IRS pays me back???
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