For all you lurkers out there, Merry Christmas

I see in my little tracker that I’m officially an international internet celebrity ala Big Fatty! I see London, I see France. I see some other countries I’ve seen their costumes on the Olympics, but have no idea where they are. Welcome y’all. Or as they say in my country, Howdy.

I don’t want to leave anyone out on the Christmas photo card fun, but I’m also not making as much this year as I was last year and can’t afford to send all 3.6 million of you a hand-stamped card. I’ll get to the cheesy holiday greeting card towards the end to encourage you to keep reading along.

Over the turkey slaughter holiday we road tripped down to G-Town to spend time with the family. While there we stopped by Moody Gardens to hit the Festival of Lights. During the 5 mile loop some woman jumped out of the bushes and snapped our family photo in a no-horse open sleigh.



We were given warning in advance that Adrian was making clown face, so I wasn’t expecting too much from the photo. When I ran into the lobby to check out the picture, I saw the jolly fat man (NOT to be confused with Big Fatty) sitting in his chair, surrounded by his elves, and ABSOLUTELY no line! I ran back outside and grabbed the fam. As you can see in this picture, ADRIAN’S is mostly normal while others in the photo thought it was Halloween.



A few weeks ago Jed comes home and says, “Did you know Nathan’s school had school pictures last week? Of course I didn’t. Jed hands me the form from the school and it’s a flier from some company that specializing these “increasingly popular” style of photos where they dress the kids in old-timey clothes and put them in front of an “attic” type backdrop and take old timey pictures. So I asked Jed what Nathan was wearing that day and he tells me he was in his ACLMF t-shirt. I love being able to plan in advance like that.

We received some information from the school that the company taking pictures was giving free pictures to all families that showed up to view them and hear about their package options. So Jed runs up there and listens to the presentation and gets our free pictures. He brings home the information about the packages and I almost shit my pants. There was actually a package for $360. FOR KINDERGARTEN PICTURES. The cheapest package was $60. Needless to say, we didn’t buy any. Not only because they were hella expensive, but THESE WERE THE PICTURES!

BEFORE I POST IT, what the ever loving fuck? WHO in their right mind thought, “It’ll be cute to put him in a pair of overalls with no shirt on and take a picture of him in front of an attic scene?”



Even worse, apparently they decided to make Christmas cards available as an option (free and for a fee), they gave us 6 of these Christmas cards using the same photo. Because nothing says, “Christmas” like, “Son, you sure got a pretty mouth.”



Happy Holidays, y’all. For real.

3 down, 1 to go!

So it’s late, I’m tired beat to shit, but I’ve just completed and submitted my third final for this semester.  I have one more on Saturday morning that I’ll have to take in person.  I actually showed up to my ConLaw class tonight to sit for the final, but Prof. Bradshaw “surprised” everyone by announcing he was giving us our final to take home with us to work on and submit on line.  The “good news” was that it was open book, open note, open to calling any Supreme Court Justices you may have in your “Faves” (on your T-Mobile network)…the “bad news” was there were only two questions.  So you can either do REALLY REALLY POORLY, or REALLY REALLY POORLY on the final. 

 

The materials that he handed out consisted of three questions.  The first two questions were hypothetical scenarios and we had to pick one of the two and discuss how they violated or supported the 14^th Amendment and the due process and equal protection of the law.  The scenarios, literally, were 4 pages of information that you had to digest and then write a point/counter-point analysis in support of your argument.  (Have I put you to sleep yet?  Cuz I’M STILL AWAKE!)

 

I won’t bore you with my analysis of scenario number 1.  Cuz it was mostly serious.  Question number 3, however, was mandatory.  We were to pick one of the 300 cases we’ve digested and studied in class over the last 16 weeks where we approved or appreciated the Supreme Court’s decision and talk about why.  This is, word for word, what I wrote (YES, the items below, in parenthesis, were actually cut and pasted from my submission!):  (***A quick side-note about “my credit worthy peeps”.  There was a heated debate over the issue of gay rights in one of the classes wherein one of the participants spewed some random “well-known fact” that all gay people have excellent credit”  No, seriously, he said that.)

 

In re Romer v. Evans (and subsequently Plessy v. Ferguson):

 

I picked this case as the one I “enjoyed” or “liked” because it clearly effects me, my family, and my credit-worthy peeps.  As a refresher, R v. E was a 1992 case in which the Colorado voters adopted Amendment 2 to their constitution, a statewide referendum prohibiting any state entity from including sexual orientation in any of their antidiscrimination laws.  The TC granted a preliminary injunction to stay enforcement.  The decision was appealed to the Supreme Court of Colorado.  That court sustained the injunction and it was appealed to the US Supreme Court who upheld the judgment of the lower court. 

 

Justice Kennedy, delivering the opinion, refers to Plessy v. Ferguson:

 

One century ago, the first Justice Harlan admonished this Court that the Constitution ‘neither knows nor tolerates classes among citizens…(dissenting opinion).  Unheeded then, those words now are understood to state a commitment to the law’s neutrality where the rights of a person are at stake.  The Equal Protection Clause enforces this principle and today requires us to hold invalid a provision of Colorado’s Constitution.

 

(Premature gay scream)

 

I wish I could be more optimistic like you, Bradshaw, about the future of my rights.  While I still, strongly, disagree with you about our pending “turning point”, it’s cases like these that let me see the proverbial “light at the end of the tunnel”.  However, as the proverb goes, “sometimes that light is the front of the train”.

 

This case was in 1996, and since that time our country, as a whole, has taken 1-step forward, and 2-steps back.  The beautifully written opinion, here, gives me (or gave me) hope for a rose-colored future.  But the continuation of States adding Constitutional Amendments up for a popular vote and watching my family’s rights get stripped away one-by-one make that rose look a little wilted. 

 

The opinion of the court, in fact, wasn’t at all reflective of the “changing of the guard”.  Rather is upheld the lower court’s decision strictly based on the asinine way the Amendment was written.  It wasn’t, at all, based on principal, rather it was based on some idiot not having a grammar checker on his damn computer.  “The State’s principal argument in defense of Amendment 2 is that it puts gays and lesbians in the same position as all other persons.  So, the State says, the measure does no more than deny homosexuals special rights”. 

 

“The Fourteenth Amendment’s promise that no person shall be denied the equal protection of the laws must coexist with the practical necessity that most legislation classifies for one purpose or another, with resulting disadvantage to various groups or persons”.    The Court attempted to reconcile that principal with the reality by stating, “if a law neither burdens a fundamental right nor targets a suspect class, [they] would uphold the legislative classification so long as it bears a rational relation to some legitimate end.” 

 

[Gay scream]

 

Ultimately the Court ruled, a State cannot so deem a class of persons a stranger to its laws.  Amendment 2 violate[d] the Equal Protection Clause.

 

[Gay hand clap]

 

Justice Scalia, writing the dissent (can suck my gay balls) if he firmly believes that Amendment 2 was a “reasonable provision” which did not disfavor homosexuals in a substantive sense, only “merely denying them ‘preferential treatment’.   And yes, while I would prefer not to be fired for being gay and I would prefer not to have to worry about what’s going to happen to my partner, house, and children when I die from writing this paper, I don’t really feel like they “got it” with this case.  It wasn’t based on changing opinions of a class of people, this case was strictly “won” on a technicality.

 

Nonetheless, I liked the outcome, only if it confounded and pissed off a bunch of Republicans for 2 years until they could get it back on the ballot.

 

So, Bradshaw, I do appreciate your enthusiasm for my peeps.  IF I’m proven wrong and you’re right about the changes a comin’, you’ll be the first person I call to ask to be in my fabulous gay wedding.  Of course you’ll have to wear a leather harness, but I can hook you up.  You won’t have to buy one on your own!

 

Seriously, can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed your class(es).  You’re a unique character, and I’m glad to have you on my side.

Gosh, folks.  I hope I get an A.

At the end...

OF NOVEMBER

I had every intention of doing a full-month worth of blogs to prove to Walt that I did, in fact, like to write.  I had to give up shortly before Fredmas eve because the folks came to town for a wonderful weekend of birthday celebrations (which included muh mommy’s, mine, Nathans, and Jed’s).  I simply couldn’t find a single minute in the day(s) to sit down and jot down a simple thought.  Work kept me busy during the day, school and the boys kept me busy in the evenings.  The following weekend Yai Yai came to town to celebrate Nathan’s birthday and I, again, found myself trying to find a second to breathe.  The visit with Yai Yai was a blast.  We got to take the boys to see the Longhorns play some team from up north.  Truth be told, I can’t even remember at this point because of the whirlwind of activity.  The very next weekend (this past weekend) we found ourselves in the car heading to Galveston for Thanksgiving.

 

OF I-45

We had a wonderful time in the gulf city, as always.  We arrived early Thursday morning, just in time to hop in the car again to head over to Jim and Carol’s for Thanksgiving dinner.  There was lots of family and friends.  The food was to die for.  There was not only turkey, but ham, pork roast, all the trimmings.  By my fourth plate of food I had to have Jed help me out of the chair.  There was a brief moment of excitement when baby Luke fell into the pool and Derek had to dive in after him.  I was just thankful it wasn’t one of my kids, cuz I had my good boots on.  We ate so much at lunch on Thursday that we didn’t eat for the rest of the day.

 

Friday morning Aunt Jan woke up at 4 to go “Black Friday” shopping with me.  The shopping excursion started off a bit of a bust…the first place we went to sold out of the main item we went for (I CAN’T TELL YOU, CUZ PEOPLE READ MUH BLOG!) and another item I went for, DESPITE BEING ADVERTISED IN THE HOLIDAY FLIER wasn’t carried by the store because they “don’t support T-Mobile anymore”.  I asked why they had it in their flier if they weren’t selling it and I never got a good answer.  We went to Wal-Mart next, where some filthy whore stole some items that I had picked up to buy when I set them down BY MY FEET to look through a bin of pajamas to find the right size.  Now, mind you, the items weren’t even anything good.  It was two board games for the boys.  But some lazy, fat, low-income, filthy whore was too fucking lazy to walk her lazy, fat, low-income, filthy whore ass pussy to the toy section and pick up her own games.  I fucking hate Wal-Mart and lazy, fat, low-income, filthy fucking, chlamydia dripping pussy, whores.

 

That morning we hit (in order) Sam’s, Wal-Mart, Game Stop, Best Buy, J.C. Pennys, Lowe’s, Target, Game Stop, Target, and T-Mobile (because Sam’s, DESPITE ADVERSTISING T-MOBILE PRODUCTS NO LONGER SUPPORTS T-MOBILE).  We had put in a full-days worth of work by 9 and were ready for a hearty breakfast.  We met up with the fam at El Gusto’s for lunch and then I went to Jan’s house to put together/fix everything we had just spent the morning shopping for.  Then I went home to Yai Yai’s to take a much needed nap.

 

That evening we all met up at Gino’s for a delicious dinner before heading over to Moody Gardens to see the Festival of lights and talk to Santa.  The boys are hopeful they’ve been good enough to get a visit from the old fat guy this year…but I aizn’t so sure about that!

 

We wrapped up our visit Saturday morning with breakfast at my favorite Island restaurant, Sunflower before loading up and heading back to Austin. 

 

OF MY ROPE

I woke up at 4 this morning filled with dread and anxiety about the remainder of the year.  I have so much to do, yo, and I really don’t know how or even if I’m going to be able to get it all done.  I’m awesome and amazing at prioritizing, but everything I have, really, is a priority at this point.  In no particular order:

·         I have two major projects at work that, really, should have been done last week.

·         I have to decorate the house for Christmas with the boys today.

·         I have an appointment with all of Nathan’s therapists at school on 12/1.

·         I have a final drafting assignment due 12/5.

·         I have a birthday party that Adrian has to go to 12/6.

·         I have my final exam in Texas State and Local Government due 12/7.

·         I have my final exam in another one of my classes due 12/11.

·         Two more final exams that same week (now that I think of it).

·         I have to do all my effing Christmas shopping.

·         I have my work Christmas party.

·         I have to make sure my children are happy and well-adjusted.

·         I have to figure out what the fuck I’m going to do with them while they’re out of school for the “winter break” which seems like the entire month of December and half of January.

·         I have to help plan and facilitate Adrian’s school “winter party”.

·         I have to drive to the Oklahomas for the holidays.

·         I’ll have to, at some point, pay some bills, do the grocery shopping, mow the yard, exercise, and take Jed’s fucking car to the fucking tire shop and have a fucking nail pulled out of the fucking new tire(s) that I had to fucking by in fucking Galveston this weekend because I had a fucking blow out (I forgot to mention that above, didn’t I?).

 

I feel like I’m at the end of my rope, but at the same time I love this time of year being reminded of how thankful I am that I have two wonderful kids, a wonderful finger puppet, lots of great family, and two stinky dogs.

 

I may be silent for the next two weeks (you should be used to it by now!), but I’ll drop in when I can.  Hope y’all had an amazing Thanksgiving.

On the twelfth day of Fredmas my true love gave to me

WEIGHT LOSS

Thursday night can only mean one thing, the weekly weigh in.  I hit the scale at 187.6 tonight, which was another 1.6 pound loss.  So it appears that I’m slowing down on my weight loss, and that’s okay.  My ultimate goal, despite what I jokingly said earlier (that not one of you commented on!), is 175 pounds (NOT 140, as I previously stated!).  175 will be a few ounces over a 50 pound loss, and I thinks that mo plenty. 

 

PROJECT RUNWAY

I want to date Tim Gun.  He looks hot in a suit and apron.  

 

WTF?

Can anyone tell me the secret to making soup in the crock pot that has potatoes in it and it cooks for over 8 hours?  This is the second time that I’ve made a soup (last night was vegetable beef) that the potatoes aren’t cook, at all.  Everything else is cooked, but the taters are hard as a rock.  WTF?

 

MORE, GIMMEE MORE

I wish I could, but the folks are coming tomorrow and I’ve got to get my house clean. 

On the eleventh day of Fredmas my true love gave to me

A BAPTISM BY FIRE

I seriously underestimated the number of things I would be able to get done while going back to work.  I think I may need to hire an assistant.  Any takers?

 

WORST FATHER OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO…

My baby boy’s 4^th birthday is coming us so very quickly and I have COMPLETELY dropped the ball.  I may add this responsibility to my new assistant.  My folks are coming down this weekend expecting to celebrate his birthday with him and I have AB.SO.LUTELY nothing planned.  I’m a dick.

 

THE SHORTEST SOCCER SEASON, EVER

I can’t believe we’ve already finished Adrian’s first soccer season.  Okay, not technically, yet…but he’s only got two more games before the season is over.  He’s done amazingly well.  He LOVES soccer.  I can’t tell if he actually digs the game or is more into the uniform.  But he loves it.  Hopefully next season’s practices are later in the afternoon so I can take him again.  As it stands right now, I’ve lost the ability to take him.  The downside to a later practice is it’s so dark outside by 530 right now.  His team, literally, practices in the dark…which may explain why they seem to be so good!

 

CONSTITUTIONAL LAW

I’m sitting in my Con Law class right now, on break, of course, having just listened to a very brief discussion on the Equal Protection clause as it could potentially “change” the face of gay rights.  I’m a bit disappointed, frankly, because we were promised an “extensive” discussion on gay rights and it amounted to a whopping 7 minute discussion.  We’ve had a 9-hour discussion on racial inequalities, gay rights get a whopping SEVEN FUCKING MINUTES.  Maybe he’ll pick it up again after the break?  I’ll report back tomorrow. 

On the tenth day of Fredmas my true love gave to me

OLD HOUSES TRULY DO SUCK BALLS

I’ve always had a pet peeve relating to businesses who take fabulous old houses near the centers of downtowns and turn them into businesses.  In hindsight, it may have been a little bit of jealousy that I couldn’t afford one and wished I could be working in one?  Now that I’m working in one, I can tell you, they truly do suck balls.  And not in a good way.

 

My second day on the job, and I’m having issue with the location.  Not enough of an issue that it’s going to be a deal killer for me, but an issue nonetheless.  So my new office is in an old two bedroom one bathroom house smack dab in the middle of downtown.  The former living room is now the reception area; the former dining room is now a conference room/office space for the junior associate; one of the bedrooms is one of the “adult” lawyer’s office; the other bedroom is the other adult lawyer’s office.  My office is located off the back of the ORIGINAL kitchen of the house, what I imagine, at one time, was the laundry room.  The washer and dryer have been removed.  My issue is with THE BATHROOM.  The firm has the original 1940’s bathroom, it’s been upgraded with new tile and fresh paint over the years.  It still has its original (working) tub.  It’s clean.  It doesn’t look as shitty as MY 1940’s bathroom. 

 

While I have an enormous bladder stem, I have a microscopic bladder.  And I’ve had to rethink my coffee intake.  My first day on the job I peed no fewer than 20 times in a two hour period.  I’m sure I made quite the first impression.  And every time I have to go to the bathroom, I have to clomp through the old house, on the hard wood floors, with my big heavy steel-toed boots…basically announcing to EVERYONE in the office, “Hey, Frederick’s going to the can…again.”  Heaven help me the day I ever have to pooh. 

 

For those who don’t know, the first year I knew Jed I made him go outside of my house whenever I had to pooh.  I have issues.  There were days that he said, “But we’re under a tornado watch…” and I just shrugged my shoulders and told him I didn’t care.  I had to pooh and couldn’t have anyone in the house while I did it.  I’ve lightened up, a bit, since having kids…but I’m trying to think of a polite way to ask my new co-workers if they’d mind stepping outside of the office in the event I have an emergency. 

 

Next time you find yourself bitter about those old houses, count your blessings.

On the ninth day of Fredmas my true love gave to me

A BIRTHDAY SHOUT OUT

To my mommy.  Yes, folks, the woman who spit me out her vajayjay periodically reads my blog from time to time.  She says it saves her money on a perm, cuz what she sees and reads periodically curls her hair.  Muh mommy had a birthday today, and to quote Adrian, “DAYUHM WOMAN!  SIXTY-THREE?  That’s Oooooold”.  We started the day off with a call to granny, Adrian singing “Happy Birthday to daddy’s mommy” and then counting ALL.THE.WAY. to 63!

 

A JOB OF THE NON-BLOW VARIETY

Today was the first day on the job, and it was your typical first day at a law firm.  The first 3 hours were spent trying to get access to the computra network, mixed in with a little “this is what we expect from ya”, and a little bit of “this is what I expect from the y’all”.  I’ve being granted quite a bit of responsibility in my new digs.  I’ve even been given a key to the office.  After lunch, I was thrown full-on into the fiery pits of hell with a gaggle of tasks, which I barely finished before daycare closed.  But it was so nice to be busy, productive, needed, and appreciated again.  I don’t like the fact that I’m not getting home until after dark again, and missing out on some quality afternoon kid-time, but we’ll work something out!  I may need to adjust the boys sleepy time schedules to accommodate my need for squeals of delight, and crazy mad games of chutes and ladders.

 

TURKEY CHILI

Knowing full well I wouldn’t be home in time to make dinner for the family, I dusted off my crock pot and pulled out some old favorite recipes so I wouldn’t have to mess with dinner when I got home.  I made a delicious pot of turkey chili.  It was so good, in fact, I didn’t even have to force feed the kids.  Of course that could have had something to do with the fact that it was 2 hours after our “normal” dinner time, but…  Dear BESSIE, do I love my crock pot!  Got any recipes you care to throw at me?