Waiting for milk, man

It’s a strange thing I do for the many people I love.  Earlier in the week, my hot Cousin Larry sent me a tweet telling me he’d love me for ever if I’d take the fam to the Dairy Queen that Parker Posey worked at in “Waiting for Guffman” and take pictures of us eating a blizzard.

I suppose it’s a logical assumption that as a Texas I should be a huge fan of Dairy Queen?  I mean, after all, the Dairy Queen sign pictured above is “the official stop sign of Texas”.  But, like being a bad gay, I’m also a horrible Texan.  For example, I don’t support “Death Penalty Thursdays”, and as of today I’ve only eaten at Dairy Queen twice in my life. 

It’s not that I don’t like Dairy Queen.  I suppose it’s tasty enough.  But their menu is harder to figure out than your federal income taxes and there are MUCH better places to get “ice cream” than Dairly Queen.  And yes, “ice cream” fully deserves to be in quotes there.  Cuz I don’t know what that shit they serve is, but it surely ain’t ice cream.  Apparently it comes in a colostomy bag that is pre-mixed and frozen on the spot???  That ain’t ice cream folks.  I’ve made ice cream, and I know that ain’t how it’s done.  So how do I know so much about the DQ having only been twice in my life???

As I was ordering our lunch-by-number from the apathetic angry person behind the counter, I started, as I always do, with the kids. 

“I’ll take a number 8 (three tacos) with a milk”.

“We don’t have milk”.

I laughed, because surely this cow behind the counter was yanking my chain.  “You don’t have milk”?

“No.  I di’uhnt stutter.  We ain’t got milk”.

I asked, “Well how do you make MILKSHAKES”? 

She said, “Like everyone else.  I lift the lever up”.

Whore.

So, I’m guessing the milkshakes you get at Dairy Queen aren’t, uh, authentic? 

Since I had “ordered a combo” she pulled down a 3 liter Styrofoam cup for me to get the kid some soda from the teeth rotter.  I told her it wasn’t necessary, that if THEY DIDN’T HAVE MILK, the kids WOULDN’T BE DRINKING ANYTHING…and CERTAINLY NOT 3-liters of soda…each.

So I ordered the second meal, the #6 (“The Dude”) with a diet soda for Jed.  I think Jed was hoping I’d actually say, “Give me the dude” instead of “I’ll take a #6”.  Sorry to disappoint again.  Then I went on to get Nate’s.  I said, “I’ll take the number 9 (chicken strips)" and as I gave a long pregnant pause to order something for myself, I noticed Ms. Mensa 2008 pull another 3-liter soda cup down.

Now, I sort of see the confusion.  I had just ordered Jed’s meal WITH a soda, but I didn’t ask for one for the chicken strips.  I went on to add to my order, “and a number 2” (the “belt buster”) with a coke.  When she pulled down another cup I said, “I only need two cups.  I asked for a coke and a diet coke”.  And  she said, “But you keep ordering by number and the combos come with a soda”.  Uhhhh, NO MENSA, THEY DON’T.  Perhaps it would benefit you if you looked at your own menu once in your career at the Queen.  ALL of the combos CLEARLY have the option of the meal by it’s self AND, priced separately, the same combos “WITH A SODA”.

In an effort to not have Mensa wipe my bun on her crack for pissing her off, I just dropped it and told her I was done with my order.  Four meals, two sodas, and a smile.  BUT, having gotten my lunch.  I have a question.  If you’re going to label a DOUBLE PATTY BURGER a “belt buster” WHY NOT GO AHEAD AND THROW A SLICE OR THREE OF CHEESE ON IT?  For real?  Can it really be THAT difficult to … never mind.

So, for the pics…

And JUST for my hot Cousin Larry…

Can I go ahead and make this one of my official restaurant reviews???

5 stars for eating where Parker Posey filmed, 1 star for the rest.  For reals.

 

P.S. For any of you regulars who are in touch with DQ Rick (the Dairy Fairy), make sure he sees this.  He’s got some splaining to do!  :-)