Typhoid Fairy

Folks, we got an epidemic sweeping through our house. All four of us have been through various stages of ick for the last month and I’m getting sick of being sick. I’ve even gone a little militant, Rambo if you will, on the family. I’m now refusing to kiss anyone on my way out the door, and y’ain’t allowed in my bed unless you’ve showered, washed, wiped, brushed, and swallowed (not necessarily in that order!).

Fans of the Foul Monkeys may recall they started their “Diarrhea” skits about a month ago. That very day, as I sat in my office listening to Ricky laughing about “slidin’ into third…”, I sharted. There. I said it. I was sitting in my chair, at the office, and I shit my pants. For real. I ain’t proud. But I figure I’m not the first person that’s happened to either. (F)REDDY SHIT HIS PANTS AT WORK. There.

I sent an instant message to the ex-wife (and current co-worker) and told her what had happened and that I was going to run home if anyone was looking for me. Once more that evening I thought I was going to fart and I shat down my leg. I was terrified for the rest of the night of the slightest pressure on my gut.

The squirts lasted for a good two and a half days. While it was nice to have a little mindcation from the office, sitting on the toilet for 72 hours wasn’t what I had in mind. But I got some quality me time, even if it was limited to a 60 square foot bathroom space. As soon as I started feeling better below the waist, I started getting a throbbing pressure in my head. I’ve had a LIFETIME history of ear problems. I’ve had a tympanoplasty on my left ear, twice. (Basically, they cut behind your ear, pull your ear down to your nipple line, take a piece of pig skin and graft it to your eardrum to seal any holes, then they replace your ear.) I’ve had so many ear infections in my left ear that I don’t even feel the build of up pressure in that ear anymore. In fact, I can barely even hear out of that ear. So when it happens to my right ear, it’s a very big deal. I immediately called my ENT (cuz I don’t wanna be deaf just yet) and get into his office. He starts me on my usual regiment of cleaning with peroxide/water solution and ear drops. I have to do this four times a day for 7 days. About day number 4 the kids start asking me what the hell I’m doing and I explain to them that I’m putting medicine in my ears cuz they’re sick. To which Adrian replies, “Daddy, you teasing me. Medicine don’t go in your ears, it go in your belly.” About day number 6 Nate is walking around the house tugging on HIS ears saying, “OWWWIE”. His daycare ladies start telling me that he’s been “telling” them for a few days that his ears hurt.

Now, my understanding was that ear infections ain’t contagious. It’s not like herpes or anything. BUT I take ear infections very seriously because of my history. So Jed takes the kid to the doctor and the doctor looks in his ears and says that everything in there in normal, healthy, pink, and the way it’s supposed to be. The little bastard was just mocking me…and I’ll deal with him later.

The NEXT day Jed and I BOTH get the squirts/nausea. Let me tell you. When you have the upward pressure of stuff coming up from your stomach the LAST THING you want when you’re on your knees in the bathroom is a downward pressure from the opposite direction. Those were the worst two days of my life. (Not to mention, Foul Monkeys CONTINUED to laugh about diarrhea on their show!)

As soon as that was over ADRIAN starts the coughing and the night-sweats. WTF? So for the last two days I’ve been listening to him cough through his sleeping. The weird thing about it is when he wants to go outside and I tell him he can’t cuz he’s sick he says, “Daddy, I ain’t sick” and the coughing stops! But then he wants “medicine” (cuz he loves the taste of it)…but he has no appetite…but he wants candy cuz “it make me feel better”. I can’t tell if he’s playing with me or if he’s really sick. So yesterday NATHAN starts coughing. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I picked him up from daycare this morning and ran him to the doctor’s office. I told them the daycare had reported that he was “listless” yesterday and coughed all day and that he coughed through the night as well. I also mentioned that he felt “warm” to me, but that I didn’t have a thermometer (had to throw it away after the diarrhea incident) to know for sure if he had a temperature. The very first thing they do is take his temperature. Nothing. Nadda. He’s a vampire. Not only does he not have a fever, he doesn’t have a temperature. Next they have me get him undressed so the doctor can look at him. THE VERY SECOND I take his clothes off and set him up on the table the kid bursts into song, starts laughing, playing, having a great time…and there isn’t a single fucking “cough”. The doctor comes in and I explain to him why we’re there, again, after just seeing him FIVE DAYS AGO. He starts looking him over. Puts the stethoscope on his tits and asks him to cough. Nothing. No coughing. Clear chest. Nadda. Doc says he can’t find anything wrong with him and asks me if I’m “crazy”. Well, duh. So I start getting Nate dressed and as the doctor is walking out of the room and shutting the door…”cough, cough, cough”. THANK DOG the doc hadn’t shut the door yet and actually heard it. He came back in and asked me to take Nate’s shirt off again. He gets his stethoscope out again and listens to his chest again and…NOTHING. I get Nate dressed one more time and the doc doesn’t understand what’s going on. Nate lets out a couple more coughs and the doc just writes me a script for some antibiotics. He says, “I don’t know if he needs this or not, but I sure as hell don’t want to see y’all here again in five days!”

We’re house full of sickos. I don’t know if it’s the weather change(s), the on-ing and off-ing of the A/C and heaters, or what. But I’m tired of oozing from every orifice. What’s more, I’M TIRED OF CLEANING UP OOZING ORIFY!

Hope y’all are feeling well. Drink lots of juice.