December Challenge Day 31

DEAR BESSIE I’m glad this month is OVER!

So I sorta made the challenge, eh? I missed only a day or two? Not bad.

The boys and I had a great day. We started off the morning returning all of our duplicate Christmas gifts. The only frustration was at Best Buy trying to exchange season 4 of Oz for Season 6. They only wanted to credit me the “lowest advertised price” for the set and have me pay the difference DESPITE the fact that both sets were the same price. They said that since I didn’t have the receipt they had to assume that it was bought at the sales price. I said, “With that logic I have to assume that season 6 was on sale the same time season 4 was on sale and purchased therefore I shouldn’t have to pay the difference”. They didn’t see it that way, so I still have two sets of season 4 of hot prison love.

We made our “magic wands” later in the morning. Honestly the boys had more fun throwing confetti around the dining room than they did actually helping me out with the project. I have it all on video and I’ll be posting that in a bit…more on that later.

We took lunch up to Poppa at work and had lunch with him. At this point the boys were beginning their morning melt-down, so I rushed home and the three of us took a nap.

We made pizza for dinner and then the four of us hoped on the #5 to head downtown for “First Night” festivities. It’s Austin’s NYE celebration. I noticed earlier in the week they had built this huge, gorgeous 3-story wooden clock down on Auditorium shores. I heard on the news that it was a “resolution clock” that was basically an effigy to resolutions that was set to be set ablaze at 8 this evening. I was partly disappointed they were going to torch it, cuz it was that nice, but I was also excited for the boys to see it. We ass u med the bus would be a better, safer, option for us to get downtown…and we wouldn’t have to fight for parking. As it turns out, the buses were on “parade route”, therefore they dropped us off at 12^th and Congress and we had to hoof it the 13 blocks to auditorium shores. We made the most of it.

After having family fun down at First Night, I decided I’d rather catch a pedicab to get back to 12^th rather than carry the 35 lb. boys all the way back up there. I don’t know how or why, but Jed and I always manage to find the ONE pedicab driver that can’t support our weight. Seriously, we could have gotten back to the Capital faster on foot, but it was nice not having to carry the kids. AND it didn’t hurt the cabbie was on the cuter side (and I use that term loosely, cuz none of them were all that!). He got us back just in time for us to see our bus drive right past us. So we had to sit and wait 30 minutes for the next one. We ended up not getting home until 1030…WAY past the boys bedtime and, honestly, after mine.

I FINALLY figured out a way to get around with the problem I’ve been having with editing my videos lately. I’m bummed I haven’t been able to post or send our Christmas day video to my folks (or my interwebs stalkers) yet…but I’ve been having problems with my program. I was having the same frustrating problems editing the videos I took today and ended up downloading a different (older) version of the software and it seems to be working now. HOWEVER, as it’s 1137 in the pm, I’m too tired to work on it tonight…so I’ll get it out when I can.

It’s been a real pleasure getting to know some of you better throughout this past year. Looking forward to writing more for you and reading more of you. Hope you and yours have a safe and happy new year.

And with that, the challenge is O-V-E-R!!! YAAAAAY ME!

December Challenge Day 30

I committed one of the 7 deadly dressing sins this morning and have been mostly ashamed all day. I wore basic dungarees with my cowboy boots. I know this may not sound like a big deal to most of you, particularly anyone north of I-40, East of Slidell and West of Albuquerque, but it’s one of my many clothing pet peeves. It’s more offensive to me than “skinny jeans” on men. I can always tell when attorneys from New York or D.C. are visiting the office because they always come into town and stop by Cavenders to pick up a pair of “authentic ostrich skin cowboy boots” (cuz NOTHING says Western like OSTRICH) and they wear them with a standard pair of 501’s. For those not in the know, it is AGREGIOUS to wear cowboy boots with any jean that is NOT specifically boot cut. DO NOT wear, especially, PLEATED jeans (or khaki slacks) with cowboy boots in my presence or I will ridicule you, for real.

This morning I got up UBER early…which means I got the kids up uber early. Which means they had me rushing around at to get them out of the house before they drove me crazy. I KNEW, when reaching into the closet, I had grabbed a standard pair of dungarees, but I didn’t have time to look for MY pants (Jed don’t wear boots, only (F)reddy)…cuz Jed had been doing laundry and when Jed does laundry there’s one of 50 places my pants can end up. So I put on A) a pair of dungarees and B) a pair of LOW RISE dungarees at that (DIS-GUSTING). The top 2/3 of my ass crack was hanging out of the back of my jeans all day and to top it off I looked like I was wearing MC Hammer pants with my cowboy boots. I looked like those visiting attorneys from the north MYSELF today and I deserved every disapproving glance I got.

I mentioned I got a new dining room table from Ikea the other day. I also purchased an “occasional table”. Those damn Swedes are so funny. Here in Texas we call it a buffet. Nonetheless, I put the occasional table together and placed it in my dining “room”. I should explain that my technical dining area of my house is a 4 foot by 8 foot space off my living “room” (which is also tiny, but that’s a whole nother story…just one of the joys of living in a 1940’s era “bungalow”). For the last 10 years I’ve had my previous dining table (which was a wedding present for my grandparents 80 years ago) along the length of my 4 foot wall in my dining space. Every night at dinner we’d pull it out from the wall so the two wall seats could be seated (Jed and Nathan) and then Adrian and I would take the two non-walled spots.

Our new dining room table is actually a slight bit longer than our previous 4 foot table (6 with the leafs). But it occurred to me to position it horizontally against the four foot wall leaving it off the back of the other four foot wall. Thus creating an adequate sitting space on the back side of the table for two chairs and two seats directly across with the backs of the chairs facing the living “room”. This way we don’t have to constantly move the table back and forth betwixt meals. AND, if we ever have more people over, we can just flip it back the way it was to add the leaf to give us more space. So the new configuration, though it has more furniture IN it actually gives us not only the APPEARANCE of more space, but it’s more user friendly as well. I couldn’t be more pleased with the new layout of my space.

I got a HUGE package from my sister’s husband today. He drew my name for the holiday gift exchange. He went BALLS OUT for me. He’s really an awesome bro-in-law. I got a new watch (honestly, my VERY FIRST WATCH that I’ve worn in 19 years!); Oz Seasons 4 and 5; The last Pirates of the Caribbean movie; NEW UNDIES; and an official White House souvenir Christmas Tree Ornament. NOT TO MENTION, the kids got a HUGE (and I mean HUGE) assortment of musical instruments (an accordion; a triangle, a tambourine; and some mariachis and some other things. They went ape shit crazy with the instruments and we’ve been singing since we got home. Seriously, my bro-in-law rocks socks.

I’m off for the next 5 days again. Tomorrow I’m going to spend the day with my kids making party wands filled with confetti and some noise makers too for an early NYE evening with them. I’m so looking forward to spending quality daddy time with them tomorrow. We may even go to Chick-A-Fil for lunch!

December Challenge Day 29

So I’m a failure. I failed the challenge. I hang my head in shame. Perhaps picking a busy holiday month was not the brightest idea I ever had.

We had a very busy weekend. As I mentioned we made a trip to Ikea on Saturday and bought a new table and some chairs. LOVE it. The problem with me and Ikea is that Ikea becomes a drug for me and I can’t get enough of it. So we went back on Sunday…and bought even more furniture and stuff. I’ve officially spent a fortune. AND spent even more hours putting everything together yesterday.

Yia Yia decided to go back home to Galveston early yesterday. Apparently I was an asshole on Saturday and got into a disagreement with Jed (in front of her). And apparently conflict is uncomfortable. In MY family we often get into disagreements, heated at times, with each other in front of each other. The tide rises and then falls, immediately and life moves on. THIS is NOT how it works in Jed’s family. So I’m an asshole and I made it uncomfortable in my house. Apologies.

The weekend wasn’t a total loss. With YY here, Jed and I were able to go out for a date night on Saturday (EVEN AFTER THE ASSHOLERY). We went to the movies and got to see our first non-animated film in a year. We saw “Milk”, and I enjoyed it. I had heard the story of Harvey before and even seen “The Life of Harvey Milk”. But what I didn’t know was what happened to the ancillary players after the fact. (IOW: What ever happened to Dan White?) Glad to know he took care of himself.

Today was a semi-return to normalcy. I over-slept this morning so I was late getting Adrian and Nathan back to “school”. School is technically out until 1/5, but Adrian is enrolled in an Extend-A-Care program for the rest of the holiday week and Nathan is in daycare during the day until both of them start back in real school. I found out when I dropped Nathan off at daycare that they’re closed Wednesday through Friday this week. WHO THE HELL HAS THAT MUCH TIME OFF? I guess me.

One thing I’m a bit bummed out about with Jed’s mom going home is I had bought a 15 pound ham for NYE dinner…and now there’s just the four of us to eat it. I’m thrilled I’ll have enough ham left over for ham and eggs, scalloped potatoes, etc…but the prospect of eating 15 pounds of ham leaves me feeling a bit gassy and unclean.

Sorry this rambled. That’s kind of how I’m feeling today…a bit scrambled.

December Challenge Day 26

I had to laugh at a twitter post from my dear sweet Sean earlier today. He was appalled by a dining room set he found at Goodwill for $800. You see, that's what I spent my day looking at, and the thinga ain't cheap. The one I found that I liked the most was $4000.00. I had a problem spending more on a dining room table than I did on my first car. We ended the day at Ikea, where we settled on a table and chairs and I spent the better part of 3 hours when we got home putting it all together. Do I like it as much as the 4k one at the Amish furniture store? Probably not. But it suits our current needs, and by the time the boys learn how to get more food in their mouths than on the table, I might be willing to go make the investment in something nicer.

Have a great weekend folks.

December Challenge Day 25

Merry Christmas from the family all, for real.

December Challenge Day 23

On the road again...

Hit the road today to pick up my baby and spend a few hours with family before heading back to Austin to celebrate the holidays at home. It tears me up to see my beloved Galveston still in ruins. I know it'll be back, in time...I just hope the folks down there can hang on til it does. We stopped at Gaido's for dinner the second we got in town. This is one of my few favorite places to eat in Galveston. On a normal night there's a good 45-60 minute wait to get the best Gulf seafood. Tonight we were one of five tables inside the restaurant. I REALLY hope the island can hang on.

I loves being with "my" family, even if they're technically Jed's family. It's good to be here, but I'm most excited about my once-a-year job tomorrow night and the huge pay off Thursday morning in the form of smiles and joy.

Sorry so short folks, but this typing a blog on a cell phone thing is a bitch.

December Challenge Day 22

For some bizarre reason, between 10 pm last night and 515 this morning my SIM card in my cell phone fried itself, dead. This now makes two days in a week’s time that I’ve not had my cell phone with me during the day. I cannot believe how lost I feel without the damn thing. I am a crack whore and, apparently, my cell phone is my crack. I was in a cold sweat the better part of the day.

If I never see the inside of another Target in my lifetime it’ll be too soon. Yes, I filled up the tank so I could make yet ANOTHER trip to my local Target. I swear one of these days I’m going to win a door prize for being the one millionth customer or something.

We have been super busy tonight getting our house in tip-top shape for the “big day” on Thursday. I plan on videotaping the wrapping paper massacre that’s sure to take place after the kids toss their gifts from the jolly fat man aside. Perhaps that’ll even be my blog-o-the-day post on Christmas day. I KNOW you’re dying to hear me scream at my children on film.

In preparation we cleaned up our dog’s bedroom. She has completely torn that shit up. I don’t know what she was looking for in there, but she tore that shit up. FOR REAL, she tore that shit up. Jed did a bang up job cleaning up her room (for his mommy, who is coming to our casa for the Christmas carnage)…but he brought PILES AND PILES of “stuff” into the living room (which I was supposed to be cleaning) to sort through. He basically cleaned his room by messing up mine! Ain’t that love? Don’t answer. It was rhetorical.

The good news about Jed doing a through cleaning of Sam’s room was that he found tons and tons of paper products that I could just recycle. IE: Time Warner bills from 2006. Since we haven’t HAD Time Warner SINCE 2006 I felt it was a safe recycle. It feels GREAT purging that much stuff.

I’ve decided that after the boys have their fun tearing up my freshly cleaned house on Thursday that I’m going to have them each fill up a (large) box of old(er) toys to get rid of before they’re allowed to open any of their new stuff. Call me Scrooge, call me a dick. Call me what you want, but I prefer practical.

I gotta get to sleep. I’m exhausted. The next 2 days are going to be INSANELY crazy for me. Happy Monday, yo. For real.

P.S. Sean, you sure got some real pretty handwriting.

December Challenge Day 21

Folks, I gotta make this quick! I can't believe I almost missed it today. Curses, where has my day gone...

(tick tick tick tick)

I got to sleep in a bit this morning. Jed and I split the weekends so each of us get to sleep in late at least one day a week. And by late, I mean I didn't have to get up at 530 this morning, I got to sleep until 615. The very first thing I did when I woke up this morning was run to Target for my 113th time this week. You know it's bad when the person who checks you out (er, uh, rings you up) A) says, "HI (F)REDDY" when you walk up to the register and B) is the same cashier that rang you up at 1030 the night before. BUT since today WAS Sunday AND the start of a new sales circular week I felt it was necessary to run up there to find anything I may be missing. NOT TO MENTION I still hadn't found the gifties for Cousin Ash's husband, Derwood. WHAT TO YOU BUY AN ACCTUARY? Every place I've been is out of hand stitched leather pocket protectors...so I was a little lost. I FINALLY got a text message from Ash about som Wii games he wanted, so I ran up there to see if I could find them. NO SUCH LUCK. I DID happen to notice, however, that the Dual Screen DVD players that I found on Black Friday for $88 that immediately went up to $164 the hour following Black Friday were back on sale for $83. I went ahead and bought it as a back up gift just in case I couldn't find the Wii games anywhere. The thing is, ASH is the one who wanted the DVD player for the car, NOT Derek.

I went home and loaded up the family and we drove to Columbus to drop Adrian off with grandma. Relax bitches. Columbus, Texas, not Columbus, Crazy. We had a delightful lunch at Schoebles (pronounced "Shy-bulls" for you Yankee folks), seriously, it was FANTASTIC. We couldn't get Adrian and his crap out of the car fast enough before we got back on the road to come back to Austin.

We stopped at the South Austin Wally World, the ONLY place I could find on-line inventory listings that had the Wii Game Donald wants for Christmas. AS A BONUS, the game was on sale in the store for cheaper than it was on the web. Daniel better be DAMN happy with this game for as much as I did to get him something HE wanted!Got home and napped with the bug while Jed visited with our dear sweet Heath-O (Pronounced "Heath-O" for you Yankee folk).

When I woke up I ran some errands in this order:

Furniture in the Raw: We've been looking for a new dining room set. We found one we really liked there in November for about $180 (for the table) and $80/ea. for the chairs. There was a commercial on T.V. last night that the entire store was 50% off...so I went. I, jokingly, said to Jed on the way to Columbus (TEXAS) this morning that I'd be willing to bet my third testicle that the store marked their prices up 85% to give 50% off. AND I WASN'T TOO FAR OFF. The table that we liked A MONTH AGO was marked up to $999 with a 50% off sale price of $499. STILL $210 MORE than it was originally a month ago. OH, and those chairs. Today's price $274/ea. marked 50% off. FUCK YOU furniture in the raw, fuck you very much.

HEB: Jed asked for Chicken Pot Pie for dinner tonight. After I pulled the car out of the ditch I drove into when he said it I said, "OKAY", without giving him a chance to change his mind. Cuz TRUST me when I say my boo ain't a chicken pot pie kind of guy. Perhaps it had something to do with the bitter cold weather this morning???

Target: AGAIN. For real. I've been to Target 3 times today and I think "Ryan" the cashier thinks I'm stalking him. But I had to return the DVD player and buy Jed some fru-fru peppermint flavored mocha frappasumthing.

Crestview IGA: I was outta beer and there was a little girl in there selling fresh hot tamales that I bought...

Dinner was just getting out of the oven when I got home and Heath-O joined us for a family dinner. Out of habit we grabbed the "guest chair" for her place at the table and then we all realized Adrian wasn't there. BOO HOO. So quiet in our house tonight.

I wrapped 513 Christmas presents tonight while we listened to Christmas music and Jed asked me how much a GPS unit costs these days. It was while looking on-line that I realized I hadn't entertained you people yet today...and so here I am.

What a super fantastic weekend. Hope y'alls was swell too. Gearing up for an UN-believably busy holiday week. But you know what? I'm blessed with a super fantastic family and a great group of friends (both IRL and IIL)...so it's all worth every second that I don't have to myself.

December Challenge Day 20

There is a phenomenon sweeping this great country that needs to be addressed. It also needs to be stopped. I fully realize I am about to alienate at least two of my readers, and one of my favorite. I'll let y'all fight it out amongst yourselves on who my fav is…that, in and of itself is it's own blog.

I'm talking about yard art. Basically, if it hasn't shot out of mother earth's own vagina, it has no business being in your yard. I honestly think a garden gnome here and there is cute. Perhaps a faux stone wagon strategically placed amid your bed of pansies might even be cute. An angel here and there? Knock yourself out. These types of adornments don't really bother me that much. In fact, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I don't have one or five of them.

I am, however, talking about this pervasive usage of these hideous holiday monstrosities that are hand sewn nylon creations (hand sewn by 4 10 year olds in a Thailand sweat shop) with the motorized blowers assembled by some equally inept 8 year old in Taiwan. If your yard decoration has a blower as part of the display, get rid of it. It's not cute, it's not festive, the neighbors are not "going to love it".

Jed's mom was here a couple of weeks ago. She found one such yard display at a local Hell-Mart. She told Jed she was going to buy it. I wasn't there, but the exchange went something like this:

DIVA: OH JED! Look at that! Isn't it adorable? I want to get it for the boys.

JED: Uh, mom. I'm not really sure we're inflatable yard art people.

DIVA: But the boys will LOVE it.

JED: I'm not so sure Freddy will.

Jed was ABSOLUTELY right. There is no way in hell that I would allow an 8-foot tall (and equal diameter) blow up carousel with real spinning horses be blown up in my front yard. Forget the tackiness in my own yard. My neighbors, Hot Tommy and his wife, Hot Sarah, would kill me. RIDICULOUS. So they return from the local town killer and Diva says, "Jed's a joy killer. He wouldn't let me buy a blow up carousel for the boys. He said 'Y'all weren't YARD ART people' and I told him phewy." I told Diva that Jed, apparently, knew me better than I gave him credit for and that I was, in fact, not "yard art people." Good save Jed! I owe you one.

So I'm driving around the neighborhood and I would like to give you some visualizations of exactly what it is that FREDDY thinks is tack-y. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present to you exhibit 1:

This here happens to be the EXACT same carousel that Diva wanted to purchase for me. You tell me, readers. Was I being unreasonable?



Now I'm not sure I even like little snow globes in my house. They fall. They break. They're messy. Children cut their fingers on shards of broken glass. Why would I want this in my front yard?



After, what? 15 years on television, isn't it time you had him blown up in your front yard? And look how festive he is all dressed up in a Santa suit.



In case your children don't get enough of "It's a white Christmas Charlie Brown" on television, you can always send them out to your front yard to recreate it.



Why decorate ONE tree INSIDE your house when you can put 15 artificial trees OUTSIDE your house and import some metal deer to give it an added "country" feel to your city house.



Cute, tastefully done authentic candy cane archway to frame your walkway to your house with an inflatable chimney on top of your house with a Santa popping up and down. Now why didn't I think of that?



Don't have time to decorate a tree inside your house? Just blow one up outside.



This photo is a little blurry, but I wanted you to see the 6 foot tall bear "with gifts"…and it may actually clue you lazier readers into where I'm about to go next…



Don't want to go to Church or the theater this year to see the story of Jesus' birth? Not a problem. We've got you covered.





But the most amazing thing of all folks, in case you haven't figured it out yet…the common thing all these lovely inflatable pieces of art have is their location. Yes, you may have figured it out. They're all at the same house.



And I shit you not. This particular family must shop every post holiday sale throughout the year at every store in town looking for nothing but other inflatables. Because this is the scene in their front yard YEAR ROUND for every frickin' holiday. In fact, catch me in February for the 14 foot tall inflatable cupid and heart.

That's all I got. And frankly, it's enough.

December Challenge Day 19

December 19, 2005 I went to Georgetown, Texas to meet Nathan and find out when he was going to get to live with us. CPS ended up throwing a car seat in the back of my Jeep and wished me luck as I headed out of the parking lot.

It’s been a mostly wonderful 3 years. Yeah, sure there was that almost two year period with the social worker who ended up being a felon and had to have our case start over from scratch. And there’s that whole “not talking” thing (WHICH, now that he’s talking doesn’t seem as bad…in hindsight).

We’re a family of celebrations. We celebrate each day each boy came to live with us. We celebrate the days that both of us got to adopt each of them. We celebrate the birthdays, the first poopie in the toilet days, the first made it through the day without getting in trouble at school days (haven’t had any of those yet!). But these days that each of the boys came into our lives are extra special for me. They’re the equivalent of having my water broke, it’s the only similar experience I can think of.

So tonight we celebrated 3 great years with Nathan in our lives.

That was then:



This is now:

December Challenge Day 18

Since the last two posts have been boringly serious, let’s aim for levity today, shall we?

I’ve been sitting on these pics for about a week now. After the Chuck E. Cheeses party Adrian and I went to last weekend we stopped by my gal-pal, Elizabeth’s house. She had gotten a couple of pot bellied pigs about a year or so ago and had been wanting the boys to meet them. I don’t know how it works in the rest of the country, but here in Texas our farm animals are 100% fully integrated!

This here is Nathan…cautiously optimistic that the pig won’t eat him.



This are my friend, Elizabreast. She’s a hottie WITH a body.



Where do you feed YOUR pigs?



I had mentioned to Nathan the best way to dispose of a body is to feed it to the pigs. You can understand his apprehension in waving a cucumber slice near his mouth.



Adrian, however, was fearless and didn’t believe me when I told him about the dead bodies.



YES, everyone in Texas has pigs in their house. Just deal with it ya damn Yankees.

December Challenge Day 17

Forgive me in advance. I was at the school today in a 3 hour meeting with the vice-principal and the counselor. Little was resolved and we both need to be back tomorrow at 150 to add the teacher into the exact same mix. That was my day. Needless to say I am in a shit mood, and this is all you get.

December Challenge Day 16

I’ve had a really weird day. I woke up in a surprisingly fantastic mood following a night of restless sleep. I’m not sure why I didn’t sleep well. The boys and I had a great morning. There were few spills at breakfast. No tears while getting dressed and getting off to school.

I should back up about 13 hours before I woke up…

Everyone knows we’ve been having behavioral issues with Adrian at school. These past two weeks have been horrible. We had worked out an “improvement plan” with his teacher, wherein she was supposed to fill out a daily calendar and send it home every night so we could see exactly where it was he was falling down on his behavior. Jed had ANOTHER parent/teacher conference with her this past Friday, and I guess since she had met with him she decided it wasn’t worth sending a daily report home. According to Adrian he had a “good day” on Friday. When I dropped him off at school yesterday she said he, in fact, hadn’t had a good Friday. When I picked him up yesterday he again, was missing his daily report. His after school peeps reported he had a fantastic afternoon and was very well behaved. Since his folder wasn’t in his backpack I asked him how his day was. He said it was “good” and that he “listened to his teacher”. I took him at his word, and we had a great evening. We went to the store and bought a gingerbread men(s) kit to take to his class for a fun project and ordered a tray of sammiches for his holiday party tomorrow afternoon. We had a great night.

So back to this morning…

As I said, I was in a surprisingly good mood when I woke up this morning. I took him to school and went in with the gingerbread kit. When I got to the classroom I handed it to her and mentioned how I saw it and thought it’d be fun for the class. I also mentioned how I had ordered the sammiches for the party and she said, “Oh thank you so much. Not many parents signed up for stuff and I was worried. I really appreciate it…” and in the same breath, without skipping a beat, she dropped her chin to her chest and her eyes to the ground and said, “Did Jed get my message about yesterday”? And I was clueless, but knew that I was fixing to get the wind full on blasted out of my sails. I told her I didn’t think so because he hadn’t said anything to me about a phone call from her. And then she went into a tirade about what a complete and total shit Adrian was yesterday. I swear to god I went from 70 to 0 in 1.7 seconds. She also told me that she had to send him to the principal, who then sent him to the counselor, who decided it would be best for both of us to come in again to talk to the teacher, the principal, AND the counselor. I looked at Adrian and said, “You told me you had a good day yesterday”. And he just looked like he was going to cry. And so I told him to not worry about it, we’d discuss it later. I told him to have a good day and to try as hard as he could to be a good boy today.

So I was ten-shades of pissed for getting bamboozled while in my good mood. While I take responsibility for my son’s behavior, I was mostly angry that if she was having issues with my child that she needed to follow through with HER responsibilities and commitments. Why the fuck didn’t she send a note home with her “issues”? I steamed for a better part of the day. I can’t tell you what being told what a horrible child your son is EVERY SINGLE DAY does to you. I get filled with anxiety EVERY SINGLE DAY that I have to take him to and pick him up from school. I can’t stand to walk in that building any more. I can’t stand forcing him to go into a place I know he CLEARLY isn’t enjoying.

So I picked him up this afternoon, hole in my stomach, filled with anxiety. I got him from extend-a-care and Mr. Hottie Bobby came up and said that Adrian had a FANTASTIC afternoon; he was really well behaved; and he was just a joy to be around today. I grabbed Adrian’s backpack and I’ll be fucked to ever loving tears if his mother fucking notebook wasn’t in there again today. So I asked Bobby if he knew how his morning was and Bobby said his teacher didn’t mention anything about it. She, of course, leaves at fucking 2 o’clock every day, so there’s no fucking chance for me to talk to her about whether or not he behaved today. I asked Adrian how his day was and he, as always, says it was “good” and that he listened to his teacher. And, as usual, I have to take him at his word.

To say I was livid when I got home is an understatement. I am so angry with his teacher right now. One would think that in this time when WE are supposed to be getting HIS behavior in check that SHE would take the fucking ONE MINUTE A DAY to fill out his fucking calendar with a SYMBOL representative of how his hours went. It’s not rocket science the routine we’ve come up with. It’s a fucking calendar with ONE HOUR TIME BLOCKS through a regular day and she either puts a “STAR” for “excellent behavior”; a “SMILEY” for “pretty good behavior, minimal redirection needed”; a “STERN FACE” for “not to good, but not horrible. Needed lots of redirection”; or a “FROWN FACE” for “I wanted to kill him”. IT’S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE. WHY IS IT SO FUCKING DIFFICULT TO MAKE SURE IT COMES HOME EACH DAY?

The negative side to this frustration is it (I KNOW THIS IS WHERE I FAIL AS A PARENT AND A PARTNER) makes me take it out on MY FAMILY. When Jed got home I was angry, and loud talking about my frustration. And while it isn’t directed AT HIM, it comes off as me attacking him. And regardless of what the boys do I find myself being hypersensitive to their behavior and overreacting for the most ridiculous of tiny offenses. PERFECT EXAMPLE: I asked Adrian to sit in a chair and watch Suess’s “Grinch” when we got home. After the third time of him getting up and walking around I flew off the proverbial handle and put him in his pajamas and told him to go to bed…AT FIVE FORTY FIVE IN THE EVENING. I KNOW my reaction wasn’t rational. But I don’t know how else to get him to “listen” to his teacher…or me.

The thing is, I don’t have a problem with Adrian and his behavior. BOBBY doesn’t have a problem with Adrian and his behavior. NOBODY has a problem with Adrian and his behavior EXCEPT FOR HIS TEACHER. She’s THE ONLY person who can’t connect with him and get him to “perform” for her. And I don’t know where the disconnect is. This whole school experience has turned me into a monster and I don’t know what to do about it. So Adrian is in his room in his pajamas in his bed crying…and I’m in the kitchen feeling like a shitty parent.

I don’t want to “out kid” the kids. I WANT them to enjoy the best parts of their lives…their childhood. I don’t want my child to respect me because he fears me, I want my child to respect me because I’VE EARNED HIS RESPECT. I failed my son as a parent today. Today I don’t feel like I’ve earned anything except for a hot steamy pile of shit in my mouth.

Eventually I had Jed play “good cop” and go get Adrian out of his bed. We had a wonderful family dinner. And I tried to refocus and end the day on a positive note. After dinner, Adrian and I…

Made a Gingerbread House…and reconnected…and made the best out an incredibly shitty day.

Enjoy.

December Challenge Day 15

The most wonderful gift of the semester:

I think everyone is aware of how much I’ve struggled through US History I this past semester. The course was brutal. The professors teaching methods weren’t my favorite. It seemed the harder I tried the worse I did. I went into the very first test of the semester with no studying time. I took the test relying solely from memory. I got an 82 on that test. It was completely unacceptable to me. The second test I spent a lot of time preparing for. I transcribed the material from the book that I had highlighted in class and I spent days before the test reviewing the materials. I scored a 75 on that test, but she gave the entire class an extra 5 points, bringing that grade up to an 80. WAY more unacceptable to me as I had gotten a 75 on my merits and only gotten an 80 due to her good graces. For the next exam, I not only transcribed the highlighted notes, but I read them into my computer, making an MP3 file and then transferring it over to my iPod. Rather than spending my days listening to my favorite podcasts, I spent an entire week of listening to my hour long recording on an endless loop: morning, noon, and night. I went to bed with my iPod on listening to my lecture. I scored a 70.

Upon learning of my 70 I went to talk to her to ask her what I was missing. I told her it had been 20 years since I’ve been in school, so perhaps my learning skills needed refreshing. I told her that I wasn’t attacking her tests, but her test questions seemed geared towards making people fail. For example:

What is used to make wine?
A) Grape
B) Grapes
C) A bunch of grapes.
D) A whole lotta grapes.

Obviously this is simplifying the tests, but you get my point. I told her that I certainly didn’t expect her to dumb down her tests so that a 4 year old could pass them, but hearing all the other students in the class crying about their test scores, I knew that nobody was doing well. ADDITIONALLY, each test consisted of an essay question worth 50 points, and multiple choice questions worth 50 points. I honestly can say I never got over a 40 on the essay portion of the test and I couldn’t figure out why. I mean, I KNOWS I CAN WRITES. And she would make commentary in the borders of my essays that would say things like, “RIGHT!” and “YOU GO GIRL!”. So I knew I was on target with my essays. She told me I shouldn’t fret too much about my grade. She said, “You still have control over your final grade. You have a movie critique to turn in worth 100 points and your final exam counts twice. AND BESIDES, even though you don’t think you’re doing well, you’re still doing better than ¾ of the class”. Well THAT didn’t make me feel ANY BETTER.

So I wrote this essay on the movie, “Glory”. I far exceeded the 1000 word minimum requirement. I RESEARCHED THE SHIT out of the movie, the characters that were based on real folks, everything. I SPENT HOURS researching this thing. AND I turned it in two weeks early. The week after I turned it in she walked in the class and looked right at me and said, “Your essay was excellent. It was wonderful. It was truly a joy to read”. And I felt great…but didn’t know what I had made on it. When she finally handed it back 3 weeks later I had gotten a 98 on it. A NINETY FUCKING EIGHT. It was then that I knew that no matter how well I did I would not be getting an A in the class. We had just taken our fourth test and while I felt better about it than the previous three I knew I hadn’t done spectacular on it.

When walking out of the class following test 4 we were given all of our previous testing materials (which included the correct answers) as well as the answers for the 4th test we had just taken. ALL of the questions of the final exam would be taken directly from the four previous tests. As it turns out, EVERY QUESTION, all 200 questions, from the previous 4 tests were included on the final exam. I went home and typed out flash cards with the questions and all the multiple choice answers on the fronts and the answers on the back. I studied them. I had Jed quizzed me on them up to and including 3 minutes before I walked out the door to take the test. I knew the answers to every question backward and forward. I had studied them in Spanish (just in case she tried to trick us by giving us the test in Spanish); I studied them in French. I studied them in English. I udistayed emthay in igpay atinlay. I KNEW EVERY ANSWER TO EVERY QUESTION when I walked out the door to take the test.

When I showed up the first thing she did was hand back the last test we had taken. I got a seventy fucking eight on the test (in part because, ONCE AGAIN, despite my BRILLIANT essay, I only got 40 points for the damn thing…otherwise I would have gotten an 88! I was discouraged. Since I’m a mathematical GENIUS, I did my guzzindas in my head and I KNEW, EVEN IF I got a hundred on the final, the BEST I could hope for was an 87. And this was the end of my 4.0 GPA (that stands for grade point average y’all!) I was devastated. I didn’t even want to take the god damn final.

BUT I DID…

And I ROCKED IT LIKE DOKKEN.

Teacher said that if we wanted to know how we did on the final exam as well as our final grade for the class to email her on Saturday and she would get back with us. And so at 11:59 pm on Friday I sent her an email thanking her for her time, guidance and to let me know how I did when she could.

And I waited.

I refreshed my phone email button every 37 seconds on Saturday because I thought it was defective and not pushing through my new emails.

I refreshed my phone email button every 26 second on Sunday until my battery went dead.

And then it happened this morning, the greatest gift I could have received…do I deserve it? Probably not. Am I gonna question it? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I BUSTED MY ASS FOR THIS FUCKING THING!

December Challenge Day 14

So this morning after church* I was starving and we decided to have a family Sunday brunch at our old favorite, Trudy’s. It was a’ight, but honestly…either we’ve been gone too long and the quality has gone downhill, or it was never really fantastic to start with. They had some DELICIOUS carne guisada, but other than that, everything else was just plain ol’ plain ol’.

Next we ran up to Target to pick up a couple of supplies and various knicka knackas we probably didn’t really need. It was either the carne guisada or the fiber tablets that I took before we left the house, but something happened that we ended up cutting our trip short.

Got home and I took a nap with the bug while poppa took Adrian comic book shopping. GOD I LOVE MY SUNDAY AFTERNOON NAPS.

We had a fairly lazy rest of the Sunday afternoon, but this evening we took the boys down to Lady Bird Johnson Lake to see the magnificent trail of lights. Folks, I present to you…photos. DEAL WITH IT.

*Yes, church bitches. Don’t sound so shocked. Get over it.

December Challenge Day 13

I’ve had my tits slung over the stove ALL friggin’ day. Well, except for that hour I had to go hang with the straighties this morning followed by the hour at the grocery market followed by the hour and a half nap with the kids. With the exception of THOSE few precious hours, I’ve been in the kitchen ALL EFFIN’ day. Did we rewind to Thanksgiving? It sure feels like it.

So I wanted to put some drivel out for you, the ones who are expecting me to fail miserably in the challenge. I figure if I get this put out by midnight on the west coast, I’ve complied with the rules of the challenge.

TOP CHEF:

Cuz I’m a…

Anyway, so I spent the day in the kitchen finalizing 2/3 of the treats that I’m making for the holidays for friends, teachers, Jed’s co-workers, etc. The kids helped me out a bunch, and had a lot of fun. We made about 12 pounds of spicy pretzels; chocolate covered pretzels (they didn’t turn out too pretty, but, as Adrian said, “Drizzlin’ chocolate is the shit, pops”; chocolate covered Oreos (again, drizzle baby, drizzle); and 18 pounds of caramel corn. I’ve still got a little bit left to do tomorrow, but…hopefully it won’t take me the entire again. I’ve gone through a minimum of 180 Ziplock baggies; 28 sticks of butter; 8 pounds of brown sugar; 6 pounds of chocolate; and a gallon of corn syrup. I’ve literally used more butter today than I have all of last year.

Cinderfella, Cinderfella, all he hears is Cinderfella:

The boys played hurricane Ike in their room today, minus the water. The room looked like a bomb had gone off. Jed cleaned it three times. On the third time, he decided to start pulling toys out, leaving each boy with 5 toys. There’s a little anger in the house tonight. The boys are angry cuz they only have 5 toys each. Jed’s angry cuz he had to be the Grinch who stole the gifts of Christmas past.

Toilet madness:

I don’t know how often the rest of the planet goes through toilet seats, but I seem to be cursed with the shittest toilet seats in America. I have, no kidding, replaced my toilet seat a minimum of 4 times in the last year. For some reason the rim keeps cracking and breaking. NOW, in case anyone is interested, I did NOT change the toilet seat today while I was doing all my cooking…but it IS on my list of shit to do tomorrow.

Satan Clause:

The shopping is officially done folks! After we had dinner last night, Jed sent me to Toys R Crap for the “Sale of the CENTURY”. He was off all day on Friday and said several times throughout the day they were advertising on the television Toys R Us’s biggest sale of the year. Jed said, “The whole store is 40-75% off”. While he was shopping throughout the day, looking for gifts for the boys, I had given him a $40 each/boy limit on the gifts. Honestly folks, we’re about to get SO MUCH STUFF over the next two weeks from all the family/friends that the thought of where to put it all has already overwhelmed me. That said, I didn’t see the need to go and buy a bunch of stuff of our own, because by the time all the gifts are opened, the boys are going to be so distracted they’re not going to care who got them what. I did buy two special gifts from Santa…

I have to say, sending ME to Toy’s R Us by myself isn’t a good idea, at all. The place is a grown up kid’s wet dream. I found so much stuff that I couldn’t live without. I ended up getting Nate some dinosaurs. The kid is REALLY into dinosaurs lately. I got Adrian a really cool kids keyboard that plugs into a regular computer and it’s got a drawing pad on the side with an electronic pen. It’s supposed to help him learn how to write and read. I have a feeling what it’s REALLY going to do is eat up some of my precious computra time. I had a lot more stuff in my basket, but I ended up putting a lot back cuz I didn’t want to go crazy.

I’m really so tired that’s all I can think of at the moment. This will have to do for day number 13, I’ll try to do better tomorrow.

December Challenge Day 12

My reality, what I saw:
This morning I had to stop on the way to work to fill up my Jeep. I was at the intersection of Woodrow & Koenig. I was distracted, briefly, by my phone when I heard a very loud crash followed by the squeal of tires. I looked up from my vantage point to see a black Chevy Blazer speeding away from a white Honda the driver had just annihilated in the intersection. I watched for a few seconds to notice A) the driver’s side front wheel of the Blazer had bent in slightly and knew the driver wasn’t going to get very far. The Blazer was speeding down Koenig and appeared to be trying to get control of the vehicle. Smoke was coming from the tires. The next intersection up, Grover & Lamar, the stop light was red and there was a line of cars stopped at the light. It appeared the driver of the Blazer was going to disregard the stop light to get away from the scene and swerved into the oncoming lane of traffic. I lost sight of the Blazer from that moment on.

I was concerned about the two people in the white Honda, but I could see them both moving in the car, shaken, but moving. I wanted to avoid what was surely going to be a traffic nightmare, so I drove off, back into the neighborhood to circle around. I was also planning on driving up Koenig, which I never do, to see if I could spot the Blazer. As I said, with the driver side front wheel being bent as it was, I knew it wouldn’t get very far. I also knew that given the reckless manner in which it was driving, there was a strong possibility that it would have hit another car further up the road.

I went one block into the neighborhood and took the first right. Went up to the next street, Grover, and took another right. To my surprise, I saw the disabled black Blazer sitting up on the side walk. I called 911 to report that I had just witnessed a “hit and run” and that I was parked on the street behind the car that had done the hitting and running. At that point, I could already hear the sirens of the hotties at Battalion #5 coming to render aid.

When the police officer came up he asked me for my information and my version of what I saw, and I told him. That from MY perspective it appeared that the Blazer had smashed into the Honda and swerved around it to proceed up Koenig and then appeared to be avoiding the next stop light by swerving into the oncoming lane of traffic. It was clear as day, anyone could see the skid marks on the road and come to a similar conclusion.

The driver of the black Blazer was a Hispanic woman. And she was clearly shaken as well. She was very tearful. She didn’t appear to look like someone who would completely wipe out a car and just flee. Since my Spanish is horrible, I couldn’t understand what she was saying, but she was talking to one of the EMT’s and was very animated and pointing in various directions. Another fella had stopped at the same intersection, as he had seen where she became disabled from his perspective. He said it didn’t appear that she had any control of the car. He said that when she spun around in the intersection and her car flipped up on the sidewalk he noticed her back tires were still spinning.

HER reality:
The EMT came up to me and asked me if it looked like she was trying to get away from the accident and at that point I wasn’t sure anymore. I told him that from MY perspective it certainly looked like someone was trying to flee. He told me the woman’s gas pedal was stuck and that the swerve lines were most likely because she had her foot on the brake and was trying to stop, but the wheels were still spinning out of control because of the pedal being stuck.
…and at that moment I felt a slight twinge of guilt for being a “witness to the scene” and having already pre-judged what had happened.

That’s all I got. Have a good weekend.

December Challenge Day 12

It is, man. It really is.

Christmas is a horse.

December Challenge Day 11

MIND PURGE:
I’ve been mostly awake since 242 this morning. I know this, because I got up and walked into the living room to see what time it was. The funny thing is, when I woke up I felt completely refreshed. Like I seriously thought I had OVER-slept and was running late. Noticing it was only 242, I knew I should probably lay back down and try to finish out the night. But I couldn’t fall asleep, of course, UNTIL about 30 minutes before the alarm was scheduled to go off…then I was COMPLETELY knocked out. My mind, during that three hours, was racing on a variety of topics. None really interesting, mind you. BUT since I have this “challenge”, what better place to purge, eh?

THE CONTINUING SAGA OF MY TOOTHLESS ASSHOLE:
I’m so glad hot Dr. Michael from Stuttgart took the time to post a comment on my blog yesterday. He rarely does, so when he shows up it’s an extra special treat. It may have been the subject matter, given Michael is a dentist, and one that I wouldn’t mind drilling around in my mouth! But he sort of touched on something very important in follow up to yesterday’s shag-nasty story.

I went to the Dental Barn and my uber-Metrosexual dentist listened to my tale of woe. He then said, “I can do an impression for you for a new crown today, or you can continue looking for your crown for the next two days and if you find it you can bring it in and I’ll put it back on”. Now, folks, I didn’t drop the thing on the floor in my living room and just couldn’t see it. What he had in mind was totally what Jed suggested. He wanted me to filter through my pooh and look for my tooth. He said, “I know it sounds disgusting, but we do it all the time. We’ll just wash it off, pop it in our sterilizer and it’ll be cleaner than it’s been for the last 8 years you’ve had it in there”. And he actually put my mind at ease. What sealed the deal was when he said, “It’ll be the difference between $518 for a new crown, or a $20 co-pay to have the original cemented back in”.

$498 is a lot of money. It didn’t take much convincing for me to decide what I was going to do. I told his dental hygienist that I would schedule an appointment for Friday morning and that I would look for the tooth between now and then. On Friday I will either bring in a corn-covered tooth, or I’ll have a new one made. I called in sick to work (NOT GAY), stopped by my local Walgreen’s for a bottle of Mag Citrate and went home to shit myself crazy for the rest of the day looking for my tooth.

NOW, I realize I’m opening myself up to a life-time of “Your breath smells like shit” jokes. SO, I have decided that I’m NOT going to reveal, ever, whether or not I found the tooth and whether or not I’ve got a new one. If any of you meet me in person, you’ll just have to wonder yourselves for the rest of your life! So this is officially the end of my traveling tooth saga.

THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME FOR THE HOLIGAYS:
Jed and I are 100% on the same page about where we spend Christmas day. Our boys WILL wake up in their own beds on Christmas day for the next dozen or so years so they can see what Satan brings them. This is our decision. It doesn’t matter what we have to do to be sure we’ll make that happen. The last couple of years we have gone to Galveston the day before Christmas eve, done the family Christmas eve spectacular on Christmas eve and then we load up the car and immediately head home at warp speed. Yeah, driving at midnight for 4 hours on Christmas eve sucks, but it’s completely worth it to see the boy’s faces on Christmas morning. THIS year, I’m not sure what’s going on. For the first time in a decade, our schedules don’t match up. Jed is off on the 24th and 25th, and I am off on the 25th and 26th. I guess the good news is we’re both off on Christmas day. But we may need to split up on Christmas eve, which totally sucks. The LAST time we split up on Christmas eve didn’t end well and I got stuck in OKC for a week! I’m having a mini-freak out about what this Christmas will look like.

ADDITIONALLY, my mind was racing about things I still have left to do “gift-wise” to finish preparing for the holidays. I still haven’t bought the boys anything. It’s hard to buy stuff before I actually need it. Living in a very small house, we have limited hiding space, and it never fails that Adrian will find it and bring it to me and ask if he can open it now. So I’ve been putting it off on one hand, but on the other hand I still don’t know what I want to get them. I also still have to get some more stuff for Cousin Ashley’s husband…whom I don’t really know that well insofar as what kind of stuff he likes…but I “drew” his name for the family gift exchange and am obligated to do so. AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT I still have to make all my candies and snacks and other stuff for all of the teachers, aides, bus drivers, etc. that are involved in the boy’s lives. I’ve got to do that this weekend…and while I love cooking, I stress out about whether or not I’ve forgotten anyone.

My dearest Walt has sent me 4 gigs of Christmas music that I’ve been playing on a non-stop loop since the beginning of December…so that’s been helping me get in the mood for Christmas and getting all this stuff done.

ABA:
I’m not talking about the Swedish pop SUPERSTARS…I’m talking about the end of this very long semester. The semester wasn’t longer than usual, it was mostly long because of the HUGE number of complete idiots in the classes I’ve had. I’ve discovered that I actually ENJOY math. Who knew? I distinctly recall, from high school, saying daily that this stuff was pointless and I’d never use it. And I was right. I’ve NEVER used it. And so when I had to take all these math classes for my degree program I had a little mini-freak-out. It turns out that I’m purdy good at this math thing. It’s like working a puzzle in a way. I killed the curve in the math class I took this semester. I was kicking myself last night because I showed up to take my final. And as professor hottie was handing out the exam he asked the idiot next to me if she had taken the last test yet. She said, “No, I’m going to take the zero and substitute it for my final”. I was confused. I said, “Huh? We don’t have to take the final”? And I was informed that the lowest test grade is dropped and that if we were fine with our previous grades we didn’t need to take the test. I’ve gotten a consistent 98, 98, 98, 94 on the four tests we’ve taken. So I technically didn’t need to take the test. BUT since I was there already AND I find it disrespectful to not show up when the professors give up their time, I decided to stay and take the test. And I’m glad I did. I really enjoyed taking that test…and that class, in general.

My history class sucks balls. I hate history. History sucks. You know why history sucks? Because everyone from history is dead, and being dead sucks. What I beat myself up about is I didn’t even have to take this fucking class. It wasn’t a requirement for my degree program. I was SUPPOSED to take a GOVERNMENT class, and I accidentally signed up for history. I didn’t realize it until a week before the final drop date, and by that point I had committed and decided to finish it. DESPITE the fact that it’s going to completely fuck up my 4.0 GPA. Because I’m going to be DAMN lucky if I get a B in the class. The final is tonight, so this is another thing that kept my mind racing.

My English Comp II class was ANOTHER freebie class that I ACCIDENTALLY signed up for this semester. I REALLY must learn to read the fine print, eh? I thought it was a logical assumption that if you were required to take ENGLISH COMP I, that English Comp II was going to be a requirement. OTHERWISE, why the fuck would you put the “I”??? So I’m beating myself up for wasting an entire semester with two classes I didn’t even need. Fortunately for me I skated through my English Comp II class. And I really, really enjoyed it. I had a mini-anxiety attack at the beginning of the semester because the Comp II class was different than the Comp I class in regards to in Comp I you were allowed to pick your own subject matter for your essays. In Comp II, we had to do literary analysis of short fiction. I think everyone is aware that I don’t “pleasure read”? I hate reading almost as much as I hate dentists (EXCEPT FOR YOU MICHAEL!). The thought of having to read 19 stories in 9 weeks filled me with dread. It ended up not being so bad, but…fine print (F)reddy, read…fine…print. As I said, SKATED by, got an A. Done with it.

While on the subject of my grades and school in general, I suppose now would be a good time to announce the results of the latest blog poll. In regards to how many classes I should take this next semester: 4 of you think I should cut back to 1 class and take 19 years to finish this damn thing; 6 of you think I should go back to the 2 that I took last semester; only 2 of you thought I did okay with the 3 classes I took this semester while maintaining my on-line life; and 2 of you thought I was too old to be in school and should finish this up quicker and take 4 classes. While I didn’t take any of the votes into serious consideration, I decided to (AND ALREADY DID) enroll in 4 classes this next semester.

WHERE ARE MY…:
The last thing that was rushing through my pea-sized brain during the early morning hours was the amount of stuff I want to get done around the house during the next 4 weeks before this next semester starts. I have NO idea how or if I’ll be able to get it done, but my list is growing. I’ll just check it off a little at a time and won’t sweat the rest.

December Challenge Day 10

WARNING: THIS MAY BE THE MOST DISGUSTING THING YOU’VE EVER SEEN WRITTEN BY ME. IF YOU HAVE A WEAK CONSTITUTION OR ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF EATING ANYTHING YOU MAY WANT TO JUST CLOSE YOUR BROWSER AND NOT CONTINUE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

So those of you following me on the Twitters are aware that one of my crowns fell off on Sunday evening. I was lucky enough to catch it and washed it off good and scrubbed my stub of a tooth left in my mouth and popped it back on. I had planned on calling the dentist on Monday to have it recemented in place.

Monday was busy. I never got around to making the call. Between studying for my brutal math test and filling out the 380-some odd Christmas cards I had to send out, I just didn’t have the time. I planned to call on Tuesday.

Tuesday was equally busy. As I was mid-dial, I got a pop up notification on my phone reminding me of an appointment I had with Nate’s speech therapist. So I had to do that instead. While back in my office eating my Church’s fried chicken for lunch, my crown popped off again. I went to the bathroom, brushed it off, rinsed my mouth, and plopped the crown back in place. I said in my head that I would call on Wednesday.

I got home from work and made dinner for the fam. We were having one of my personal favorites, Sloppy (F)reddy’s with steak fries. Dinner done, sat down and did “Yaaaay family” with the kids. I took a bite of my sammich, washed it down with some fries. I stuck another bite in and noticed something didn’t feel right. I’ll be go to hell if I didn’t swallow my fucking crown. It was gone. Nowhere to be found in my mouth.

Jed looked at me and asked what was wrong. I told him I had just swallowed my crown. He asked if I was okay. I said that I was. But then I had dollar signs running through my head. I didn’t want to have to pay $2000 for another crown. Not this close to the holidays. And so I weighed my options.

Jed asked if it would come out with my poop. And I said that it would. But I asked, “Do I really want to stick a crown back in my mouth that came out my ass”? And he said, “You could boil it in hot water first”. And I thought, “Huh. He’s right”.

But that was just a little too much for me. I’m cheap, and I hate going to the dentist with all my heart and soul, but my cheapness only goes so far. AND, sometimes I get lucky and I get “the cute” dentist at my local dental barn.

I decided the best course of action would be to get it back immediately rather than waiting for it come out my bunghole. I went in the bathroom and grabbed a bucket. I certainly didn’t want to throw my crown up in the toilet and then have to flush it out of there. Coming out my asshole would have been cleaner. So down on the floor I started shoving my fingers down my throat trying to induce vomiting. After a few heavy heaves, I only amassed a few blobs of spittle. More drastic measures were needed.

I ran up to my local Walgreen’s and picked me up a jar of ipecac syrup. That shit’s tasty, yo. For real. Back in the bathroom I took a good tablespoon and a half. It was slightly more than required by label, but I had 40 minutes to get to school. After taking the dose, I re-read the label and it said, “If vomiting doesn’t occur within 30 minutes, call physician”. SHIT! I DIDN’T HAVE 30 MINUTES. I had to be to school in 40.

So I grabbed my bucket again and went in the bedroom, locked the door, and got horizontal on the bed on my stomach with my head hanging over the bed. And I proceeded to induce vomiting the Karen Carpenter way, by shoving my balled up fist down my throat.

I learned some things last night:
· I’m so cheap that I would rather vomit a crown to have re-cemented in my mouth than pay $2000 for a new one.
· I’m fear dentist…but it didn’t take the experience to realize that.
· I could never be a bulimic.
· My gag reflex isn’t nearly as shallow as I thought.
· Syrup of ipecac is actually quite tasty going down.
· “Last down” doesn’t mean “first up”.
· Church’s chicken remains in your stomach longer than 6 hours.
· I REALLY need to chew up my food better instead of swallowing large pieces.
· The spicy coating on Church’s chicken burns the fuck out of your sinus cavity when it is projected upwards at a high velocity.
· LONG after you vomit everything in your stomach, your crown STILL may not have come back up.
· If you ARE going to be bulimic, it’s a good idea to have a towel at your side, because when your fingers get coated with vomit and become slippery, it’s harder to hit that gag reflex when you’re fingers are sliding around.
· Dentist’s offices aren’t open after 5.
· Dogs will it ANYTHING.

So I never got the crown back. Not that I could see anyway. Now I’m waiting for Jed to make my morning coffee so I can run to the toilet and see what comes out that end. And then I’m going to work and calling my dental barn to see if I can get in this morning to spend the boy’s Christmas gift money on my mouth.

Brush your teeth, folks. And don’t forget to floss.

Side note: For those who don’t already know, I netted my first A of the semester in my English Comp II class. The boy is pretty AND smart…and kind write, too. Final tonight in Algebra…I won’t need much luck on it, cuz I’m the smartest geezer in the class…and I’m not just saying that because of my large ego. Professor hottie actually TOLD me so.

December Challenge Day 9

Yet another Christmas post, this is a tour of some of my more favorite ornaments on the tree. This isn’t an inclusive photo blog, but some of my more favorite ornaments…

A parent’s tree wouldn’t be a parents tree without handmade ornaments from daycare from the kids. This is one that Nathan made last year.



This is one of both of our favorites. This was Adrian’s second year of daycare. He was, apparently, sick the day the photo was taken, but it gets put on our tree every year cuz it’s so fucking adorable.



And until this just completely falls apart, this will ALWAYS be our tree topper. It’s a reindeer made out of a toilet paper roll. The antlers of the reindeer are cut-outs of Adrian’s hands.



Every German household has a pickle ornament. It’s a tradition. I like my pickle.


Our dear friends, Leslie & Kevin, have made us ornaments for the last two years. I hope it’s a tradition that continues, because I truly look forward to them. (NO PRESSURE LESLIE!)





My folks picked up this one for us in Hawaii. Who doesn’t love a guy in a skirt?



A comic geeks house wouldn’t be complete without passing on the tradition to the kids. This is Nathan’s favorite comic book character.



And Adrian’s favorite???



There’s a Mexican game called “Lotteria”, which is a complete rip off of Bingo. Instead of letters and numbers though, they call pictures. There was a vendor at a street fair here in town a few years ago selling Lotteria ornaments. I liked this one.



Mukwanago is a small town in Wisconsin where my favorite of favorite relatives, Uncle Clyde, lives. It also happens to be very near the one horse town my mom grew up in. When we went to visit Clyde for my aunt’s funeral a couple of years ago we picked this one up.



Jed’s aunt started buying us the Radko collectable ornaments a few years ago. I think people are crazy for spending this much on single ornaments, but I really like them. They, of course, go at the very top of the tree so the boys can’t reach them.

Radko’s cupcake.



Radko’s Satan in a hammock.



Radko’s Satan checking his list.



Radko’s bionic dog.



We picked this one up earlier this year in Gruene (pronounced “Green”) Texas at a market days event. It’s a very simple collection of stars cut from a steel drum. Because nothing says Christmas like stars cut from a toxic waste drum.



And finally, I don’t even know what to say about this one. It’s so awful that I think it’s one of my favorites. The legs on this little fella are slinky like, so you can stretch them. I LOVE my hairy monkey boy.

Ecemberday AllengeChay Eight ointpay ewwwwtay

I uzway eyingtray ewtay ebay ubtlesay at innerday while alkintay ewtay Edjay. I entionmayed that Athannay issmayed Antasay at oolskay this orningmay.

Jed looked at me onfusedkay and said, “(F)reddy, did you say something.”

And osay I epeatedray what I had just aysayed.

He looked at me again like I had a okstray.

I repeated it one more time.

He said, “I have NO idea what you’re saying.”

I uldn’tkay opstay aughinlay. I said, “Don’t think I’m not going to ogblay about this”! And then
I asked him if he wanted another ammichsay!

I love my ittenkay.

Off to a test...wish me luck...I think I may need it onightay.

December Challenge Day 8

Christmas Vomit:

Christmas threw up over our house on Thanksgiving weekend, here’s a little tour for ya.
We’ll start with the stockings that we will all find our Satan gifts on Christmas morning. NOW I KNOW everyone is saying, “Where’s the ‘f’, where’s the ‘j’”? THINK ABOUT IT FOLKS!



Somewhere along the way Jed managed to start collecting Satan. His mommy gets him one a year. The problem is, if you’re doing the math, he should have a lot more. We think one of our former roommates accidentally took a box with them when they left. What’s left over are the Santa’s you see on top of the bookcases. Some of them I really dig.









This is our finished tree product. I don’t have the lights on in the pic, but the lights are colored. BJ I was a HUGE fan of the white lights. Jed likes colored lights, and this is a compromise I have accepted. ALSO, I like big gay trees, but Jed feels like my trees resemble more of a Liberace fingerset rather than a Christmas tree. So I’ve lost the gold wrapping. BUT I’ve also not found anything I like better, so I don’t wrap anything around the tree.



This bookcase is our main focal point in our living room. Therefore this is where we’ve staged quite a bit of our stuff. I’ll get down to the specifics below.



This is our countdown to Satan.



Jed, apparently, also collects Nativity scenes? Weird. Actually, now that I’ve said that out loud, I think one of them is mine! Bygones.



This is Jed’s nativity scene. I “like” it, but we don’t GET IT. Toothpicks? Toothpicks for a stable? For real?



This be the last of our Christmas vomit. My sister made me one of the trees a few years ago and I don’t recall where the second one came from. The Santa is another of Jed’s collections.



We’ve got some shit outside of our house too, but you may have to just cope with the loss, or perhaps I’ll do an outdoor blog in the next couple of weeks.